"Elly? How are you feeling?" It's Ryia, her voice was filled with worry and uncertainty.
I open my eyes and everyone tried to go and help me sit up.
"What happened?" I question as I held my head, feeling the pounding from the sudden opening of my eyes.
Lisa was the one who answered me, "You passed out..."
"Are you okay now?" Carter asked me again while guiding me to sit up properly. His touch warms me, but there's something I can't pinpoint with everything that has happened.
I scan the place that I am in and I can see that I'm in my place's living room. So why is Carter here? Am I thinking too much? Imaging things, that is.
"What..." I trailed off as I tried to recollect my thoughts on what just happened.
I remember talking to my friends before I passed out. Opening up about my past still affects me, it turns out that I haven't really moved on from it. But then going back, I didn't remember having Carter inside the apartment.
When did he arrive?
It seems like they understand why I fell silent so Carter explained himself.
"I was on my way home and decided to come and visit you. You're hyperventilating when I arrived. Do you remember?"
I shook my head in answer, "Well. Umm. This is awkward."
"Definitely is!" Ryia exclaimed, and they all laugh trying to cast away the awkwardness.
Carter didn't seem to mind though, he was just looking at me like he wanted to say something, but can't really voice it out.
"I'm sorry, you have to witness that." My eyes darted to my friends, silently telling them to leave Carter and me for a second.
"Umm, let's prepare dinner. Shall we? Carter? You're going to stay..." Martin halted then his eyes move from me to Carter then back at me again to confirm, "for dinner?" He grimaced when he saw my expression.
And it seems like Carter also noticed it, because his face suddenly becomes unreadable, "No, thank you. I have an early flight tomorrow. Can I have a moment with you?"
I nod my head and I saw my friends silently going to the kitchen, hopefully, to cook and not to eavesdrop.
"You don't like the idea of having me here, do you?" Carter asked with such straightforwardness.
I didn't hesitate to answer him, not minding what will he think of me after this. Although his presence is very much appreciated, I can't shake off the feeling of awkwardness and disappointment.
"Yes."
I never want him to see me like this. To pity me. I don't want him to see me as someone who's fragile like glass. I don't like people treating me softly for my expense.
"Alright. I'll leave."
Nodding my head, "Yes, please."
His movement caused me to be still. Wrapping his arms around my waist, he pulled me for a hug. "I'm going back to Washington tomorrow. It's my Dad's birthday, I'll be staying there for a week, maybe."
The only sound I can hear is my heartbeat, which is beating so fast and loudly. I'm afraid he will hear the loud thump from my insides.
"I'm sorry," he whispered softly, caressing my back. "I should have given you notice about my arrival. I was hoping to surprise you and asked you out for dinner before I go."
"Don't you think you're being too close?" I pointed out when I can't take it anymore.
It's uncomfortable. Too good. Happens so fast.
I don't like it. I don't like how close we are, how he easily manages to climb up the walls I build for a very long time. He is no exception. He is just like everybody else.
Instead of letting me go, he tightened his hold on me.
"Do we have a problem?"
"You're too close for my own space. We just met, Carter. Don't act like you've known me enough to do this."
This time, he slowly release his hold. Carter looks at me intently, as if looking for something to explain why I am saying those words.
Once he finally let go, I scoot away from him. "I appreciate you really, so thank you. I just don't think I want to see you or talk to you."
He didn't move, he keeps staring at me. It eventually made me feel bad, but I can't do this. It's too much for me. All of him. All about him. I don't think I'll be able to handle it.
"El—"
"I'm sorry. Can we just talk another time? I'm really tired right now. I don't know, I can't think straight at the moment. I need to gather my thoughts."
Carter sighed, then move to stand up. He didn't say anything, he just turned his back to me and leave. When the sound of the door closes, my friends immediately popped out of the kitchen.
"Where's Carter?" Mariette asked although I know that they knew where he is.
They hurriedly went to my side and asked me questions.
"Did you make him leave?" Martin worriedly asked.
I didn't answer any of their questions though. I remained silent, trying to bottle up everything that has happened.
"Elly... Don't take this personally, okay? You know that we are friends. And I treat you as my sister. So I was just wondering if maybe, just maybe, you need help? Like you know, visit a psychologist." Ryia voiced out.
I looked at her, hurt by her words. I know to myself that I can handle it. I don't need anyone, I don't need any help. Only I, can be able to solve my problems. I'm perfectly fine, I've been through a lot, but it's normal. People experience these kinds of things, it's only soluble by themselves.
Sure, there are some that need help. But I'm not one of them. I know I can do this, I don't need help.
I need to do this for myself.
"You should rest, Elly. We will just call you if the dinner is ready." Lisa said softly.
I stand up, not saying anything. I'm too exhausted to say a word. I don't know what to do, it's always been like this. Sometimes I'm full of words, full of thoughts, but there are also times when I'm too exhausted to think. Too tired to be rational in every situation.
Locking myself in my room, I cried my heart out. I told myself that I would never cry again if it isn't worth it, but why do I feel this way?
One day I'm happy, then all of a sudden I feel lost. There are times when being strong is my only foundation to keep going in life, but right now, I want to give up. I want this to be over. I don't understand myself. I continue to cry silently. That's all I can do. No matter how hard I try to be strong, positive and act cold, I still can't be the person whom I wanted to be.
Looking at the phone I am holding, I'm battling with myself whether to apologize or just let it be that way for a moment.
Carter is a good guy, I must say. When I saw him in Cicatrix, I never thought that he'll be someone who was bound to have a special place in my life. I don't have the intention of keeping him, especially because I am messed up, but God really has His own way huh?
A message from my Dad suddenly pops up. He's asking how I am doing.
Wiping my tears away, I took a deep breath. Calming myself with the breathing technique I've been doing for the past years.
I sent my reply to him saying I'm okay and that I'm doing great. I went to Instagram and visit Carter's profile.
My gaze fell upon my study table. I wanted to write something. A song, maybe? A poem or anything that will serve as an apology. I need something to divert my attention.
Before doing so, I restricted Carter's account so his messages won't notify me if ever he intended to send some.
Tangled Attachment
Staring at the title, I can't help but to my bite my lower lip.
"Tangled Attachment. How accurate is that." I whispered to myself before started writing.
Never expected to meet you
Never thought your presence will be a breath of peace, too
It's overwhelming, really
Feels like I'm drifting away from reality
Bind by fate
It's nice to be your friend
I'm tangled in thoughts
Attached with these words...
Tussled against memories,
Sometimes I feel like it's a dream,
But was it really?
When our body gleams from the moonlight's kiss
As my mind captures every scene
When we're driving toward the home of literature,
Our intimate sanctuary
An imagery of love,
Like a quotidian taste
Comes to me in such haste
Telling me a place to start,
Intertwine and can't be apart
Found in the heart
Now I'm wondering if this piece,
Will be enough as an apology
Tangled attachment
Words caused you to be fragmented
But just like any monument
This piece could be an amendment
Just as I finished writing, a soft knock made me turn my head to the door.
"Dinner's ready, Elly." Martin's voice filled my ears
"Gonna be there in a minute," I replied.
Fixing myself in front of the mirror, I decided to be okay. For now. This is what I need to do. And when I arrived at the kitchen and their faces greeted me without any hint of awkwardness, I feel glad and safe. Looking at them right now, I thought a place to start is somewhere. But then, sometimes, a place could be a person's presence too. It just gets tangled sometimes, since attachment has never been easy for people like me.
♡Altairythosia's
Hello everyone! I already edited this one out so if you see some errors, please pardon me. Anyways, the poem was made by yours truly. I filled it with chapters 1-8 titles. Thank you for still reading Literature of Love.
Much love to receive! 🤍