No...I can't be.... I pulled the other one out of the cup and closed my eyes. Slowly, I began taking deep breaths, calming myself. Okay, Liyah...maybe it was wrong. I felt nauseous and dizzy...as if the world was shifting beneath my feet. I swallowed the lump in my throat, taking another large breath before opening my eyes.
It was turned over, which frustrated me. Letting out the groan I flipped it over and looked at again.
Positive? What...?
"Oh, my...God..." I leaned on the counter to keep myself from falling. Why now? Was the only thing I think of. I staring at two positive pregnancy tests in my hands. My whole world felt like it was slowly changing just by staring at these two small objects. Two blue crosses. Why now? I asked myself again. We should've been more careful. There was so much coming our way: American Music Awards, Gramnys, Tours. And Lord knows what else. This was the wrong time to be expecting a child. The wrong time. I couldn't see how we were gonna get through it.
Maybe in the back of mind I knew. But just like all the other times I had known something, but didn't want to admit it, I was in denial. For the past couple of months I had noticed my appetite increasing. Strange cravings, and then regurgitating after eating it. I would cry over the smallest thing, or for just no reason at all. I was grumpy. Snapping at Michael or the girls anytime they would ask me something. What really pushed me to take the tests was when I randomly started crying at rehearsal that day. And Leena looking at me with her eyebrow quirked up and her lips pursed saying, " You need to go piss on a stick."
I believe the girls may have suspected something, because the week before we were being fitted for our costumes and mine did not fit. "The girl is finally putting on a few pounds!" Leena laughed when Danny made a remark about it.
"With the way she's been eating, I'm not surprised. " Jojo said, shaking her head at me in judgment.
"What do you mean?" I asked. I was convinced that he might have gotten my measurements wrongs or something. It had been a frantic week.
" Girl, ya apetite has picked up." Nikki told me.
"Yeah girl! We scared to eat around ya!" Leena said, laughing as she glanced around for other people to agree.
I was quick to shake my head, not giving it any thought. " No it hasn't."
"Yes it have!" They all said at once.
I just shooed them off and walked into the dressing room to pull it off.
Looking back on it, I know I probably would've noticed that I was gaining some weight. My boods were huge and they hurt like crap. That right there should've been a clear sign. Or the fact that I had missed my period. I been so preoccupied that I never really noticed if I had had it or not.
I knew something was wrong, but I didn't tell anyone. Michael hadn't quite noticed a change. I mean, he had noticed that my appetite has grown, and that I had been crying a lot. But I wasn't sure if he had noticed my body changing. If he had, he never said anything to me about it.
I turned to the sink and pulled off my rings, and splashed some water in my face. I looked up at my reflection, staring at my hazel brown eyes at the first glance. My hair was pulled into a messy knot, showing off my fresh face all together. I bit my lip as I glanced down at the tests again. I shook my head in disbelief again, apart of me expecting to wake up from a dream.
But this wasn't a dream. This was reality. Standing there in disbelief wasn't gonna change anything. I was still carrying a baby. A new life that was waiting to be born in however many months. It was time for me to face up, and put on my big panties. It was time to grow up and lay everything down to rest. My past, my confusion, everything. I couldn't play any games that I had been playing with myself, because I was about to be a mother.
Mother....
The words burned in my head. There was so much meaning to it. So much light on it. It meant that I had to put away all selfish things and become a mother to my baby. The mother that my mother never was to me. I had to prepare myself to be a better mother than she ever was. I'd be damned if I ever allowed my own child hate me the way I hated my own mother. I would not hurt this baby they the world hurt me. I would let it know what love is so that it would not have to figure it out the way I had to. For once it wasn't gonna be all about me. It was about the baby boy or girl that was resting in my womb at that moment.
I stood up straight and placed my hand over the small bump that was forming at my stomach. " Its okay little one," I said in a faint whisper. " You'll be okay." I smiled down at myself as I rubbed it gently. " I gotchu."