Damien's POV
My own thoughts weren't clear to me until I recited them out loud.
This whole time I had been delaying the discussion of my marriage among the council, trying to find loopholes to escape what comes next. But now that I think of it, I wasn't trying to save myself from it, I was trying to save Aliya from the unimaginable pain that comes along with it.
The pain of watching your mate belong to another.
If I was to go forth with the marriage and mate with another female, she would feel the ultimate ache of losing me. It may be something she might never recover from, because at the end of the day she was human. A human connected to a vampire for the rest of her life.
It was easy for me to be selfish and consider myself first, but somehow I moved past that a long time ago without even realizing it.
For her.
Protecting her from ever feeling that pain and emptiness that comes with losing one's mate became a mission of mine.
I meant every word I said.
If I can't be hers then I can't be anyone else's.
It would kill her and that would kill me.
Aliya grabbed my hand and squeezed it between her palms, "Damien, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I feel guilty because part of it is my fault you have to put up a fight against your own people, your advisors. You said you need your mate to have a child and that would be me, but I can't give you that. I'm not-"
"Let me stop you right there," I said, "none of this is your fault. Why would you even think that?"
"Because I'm the one who's not ready to—"
"I know, and that's okay. You don't have to explain yourself or be ready for anything that your heart doesn't desire. I only told you that to make you understand a point. That point being I cannot be with anyone else besides you."
Aliya opened her mouth to say something but thought against it.
Sometimes I wish I could just read her mind like I used to. But I had to respect the promise I made to her about not doing that again.
She tried again, "even if that means being alone for the rest of eternity?"
There was hesitation in her words, spoken slowly and just merely above a whisper. I think she was afraid of the answer I might give her. But there was no more confusion in my mind.
"Even if that means being alone for the rest of eternity," I confirmed.
She was taken back, surprise written all over her admirable face.
Hell, I was surprised too.
I had never met anyone who I was willing to sacrifice my entire being, my entire life for. Even with Katrina it was never "if not you then no one". I could never imagine myself not being attracted to other women besides a single one. Could never imagine putting my life on hold for anyone, be it Katrina or anyone else.
So if I thought that was love then what do I call this?
"Will you wait for me?" Aliya asked me a heavy question.
Wait for her?
I think she might be forgetting I have an unlimited supply of this very important thing called time.
"To wait is to expect something, and I don't expect you to accept me or the life that I offer. More like, the undeniable list of madness that comes along with it. You don't have to feel pressured to choose."
We're in a very weird position right now, and not to mention I've already snatched a big chunk of her life away from her. I don't want to make the same mistake twice and ask her to stay with me.
"Do you want me to stay with you?" She asked, tucking a piece of her hair behind her ear and staring at me with curiosity. Her heart was beating fast now with nervousness.
Since when did she start reading my thoughts?
"I can't answer that."
In no way did I want to influence her decisions, she had to come up with that conclusion on her own. She had to choose on her own.
"I guess I could imagine what life in the vampire world would be like for me," Aliya said, "but it's not something I'm overly excited about. And I don't mean this in a petty way."
She continued, "I care about you, a lot. But that can't be enough to make me want to live here. I don't want to depend on you for my own happiness, that wouldn't be fair to you either. If I'm going to choose this new life it would take more than that, I just don't know what yet. Not to mention I'm not really welcomed here. At all. It's taken me a long time to realize my worth and if other people don't see it, then I'm not going to stay in such a place."
"It's not you, Damien. I like spending time with you, the good and the bad. Even if we are both busy with our own work, I still enjoy your company in the background. Even your stupid jokes and attempts to annoy me. That's something I could live with. But what I cannot live with are the whispers and the head turning conversations that goes on about me, the closer I get to you the more attention I attract. I can't even imagine what people would have to say once they find out that we're mates. I really don't want to be the hated queen. The vampire community would never accept me, and I don't want to be in a place where I don't belong."
"You are not going to be the hated queen," I corrected her, "once they see you for who you are, they'll realize that you're a gem of a person, vampire or not. It's going to be impossible for anyone to hate you after getting to know you. And besides, you act like I won't be here to snap anyone's head if they speak ill of you."
She sighed, "I know... but—"
"I understand. Like I said, no pressure. Just listen to your heart," I told her.
"Right, like you listen to yours?" She raised her eyebrow.
"I don't have one, remember? But if I did, I would definitely lose it over your smile. You would be the queen of my heart."
I mentally cringed at how cheesy that sounded once I said it out loud. Aliya did the same, but didn't try to hide it.
"Too cheesy?" I asked her and she responded with a yup.
"I need to know," she trailed off, "what we share... is it because of the mate bond or do you like me for reals?"
I stared at her confused.
"I like you, for reals," I emphasized, "Do you honestly think I give a shit about the mate bond?That was only a bridge to bring us closer. But now that you're, now that I know you, it only makes it a hundred times harder to resist you. It's not the sparks I feel every time we touch, it's the way you retrieve yourself with a rosy flush on your cheeks. Cute little acts that make me fall—"
I cleared my throat, "It's not how the bond makes me crave you physically, it's how you pull me in with your loving energy."
She gave me heart-warming smile, "I think I'm not as strong as you when it comes to resisting the physical cravings. Like the other night, I don't what happened to me after I got drunk. It must've been the mate bond... or the fact that you were looking like a sex god. It's like the more I try to divert my mind from you, the more I think about you."
"Oh trust me, I know," I winked at her, "no wonder I'm so tired all the time. Must be because I keep running through your mind."
Aliya was still sitting in my chair with me kneeling in front of her. But upon hearing my words, she pushed me back slightly and I ended up falling back onto the floor in a sitting position.
Soon after, she joined me on the floor as she sat across from me, crossing her legs.
She was too far for my liking.
"Are we having a meeting? Come here," I reached forward and pulled her closer, positioning her between my legs as she faced the other way with my arms wrapped around her.
To my surprise, she didn't protest and let me have my way.
I think we both needed this moment of bliss after a stressful morning and turn of events.
She fit so perfectly in my arms, which only make me tighten them around her even more.
My face buried in her hair and the smell of her shampoo instantly overpowered my senses. I took a deep breath in and that was probably the first mistake that I made.
Her scent clouded my thoughts as it spread to every part of my body. But not just that, the smell of her blood took over my senses as well. The sharp memories of tasting her blood for the first time flooded my mind.
I accidentally ran my nose over the bare skin of her neck; second mistake that I made.
My fangs evidently made a comeback, I could feel them sharp as ever as I ran my tongue over them.
Fuck.
No matter what, I am still a vampire.
How can I forget such a simple fact?
"Aliya, I need you to leave."
She turned her face to the left, looking back at me. As if trying to assess my sudden change of tone.
"Why?" Her voice fragile as ever.
"Leave. Now," I let her go and instantly stood up from the seating position.
Aliya brought herself upon her feet and took a few steps away from me. She must've seen something on my face, or my posture that gave away exactly what I was thinking.
Perhaps she saw the monster hiding behind the calm and collected face. Of course I had to be calm, I didn't want to scare her.
Or perhaps she saw the warning in my eyes; or maybe they were filled with lust for her blood.
I didn't fucking know anymore.
Why is it becoming harder to resist her human blood?
Finally coming to her senses after what felt like eternity, Aliya made a run for the door. I averted my eyes from her to calm myself down, not breathing altogether just so I won't be taking in any more of her intoxicating scent.
But I could hear as she struggled to open the door, fidgeting with the locks.
I don't even remember locking it.
"It's not opening Damien," there was fear in her voice as she called out.
I was the reason she was scared.
"Just try, please." I practically begged, hoping she'd get away from me in time.
Before I let go the last thread of my control and lose it altogether.
I had never felt so desperately hungry for her blood.
Was it the bond or something else?
It's like I didn't know my own cravings at the moment, as it reached to a new level of temptation.
Pure temptation.
I could hear Aliya freeze by the door as a growl escaped my throat, I landed a punch on my desk. Anything to divert my mind off from her, trying to focus on the pain that was now burning in my knuckles.
"Damien!" She called out.
I wasn't the only one in pain.
If only I could endure it for the both of us.
Turning away from her, I punched the wall besides me with the same hand. It doesn't hurt enough to steal my attention away from her.
"Damien, stop! You're hurting, I can feel it."
Aliya's words made me freeze this time, how can I forget she feels my pain too?
Fuck.
"Aliya, stay away," I held up my hand and turned to face her. She was just about to close the distance between us, to make sure I was okay.
How can I be okay, after knowing the harsh truth of my entire being?
I will always be the creature that she has to run away from.
And that thought alone hurt more than the physical pain.
My back hit the wall as I took a step away from her.
There was only one way to stop myself from what was about to happen next.
Closing my eyes, I thought of a place far away from the palace, as far away from her as my memories would take me. Then I teleported myself there.
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A/N
Question of the day:
What do we like the most when it comes to Aliya and Damien's story?
A. Cute and fun moments.
B. Steamy and hot scenes.
C. Deep conversations.
D. All of the above.