Delilah Lavigne
The weather today is gloomy, filled with clouds in the sky but no rain.
I look at it as a way of how we're feeling, none of us are crying we are just gloomy.
Harry and I drove to Niall and Zayn's apartment, everyone's already there since Jade and Louis are staying there. Zayn didn't want Louis alone so he forced him to stay with them.
None of us want to get ready alone.
Jade's doing my makeup in the bathroom while everyone else is in the living room already suited up. No one has really spoken a word.
Both of us are wearing light makeup today, just some mascara, blush and lip gloss.
"Go like this." Jade tells me to rub my lips together after applying the gloss.
"Alright all done." She puts the makeup into her bag and leans down to set it in the cabinet under the sink.
She turns me around for us to look in the mirror together, "You ready?" Her hands rest on my shoulders.
I take a deep breath, "Yeah I think so."
The door opens before either of us get to it first, Harry peeks his head through, "Baby can you help me with something?"
I nod and go to step out, "No in here." He nods into the bathroom and I step back with furrowed brows.
Jade leaves us alone and joins the guys. Harry stands in front of the mirror, "I want to do something."
"Okay..what?"
"I want to cut my hair."
My eyes widen in surprise, "You want to do what?"
He shrugs while running his hands through his long locks, "I'm tired of it."
"Can't this wait until after?" I take a glance at his face in the mirror, he looks eager to do it now.
"N-No. It's important that I do it before."
"Alright then, do you have scissors?" I hold my palm out as he reaches into his pocket jacket and places scissors into my hand, "These are mine that I use for my hair, you've been planning this?"
He shrugs, "Kinda."
He sits on the toilet as I stand in front of him, "You look beautiful baby." He runs his hand on my outer thigh glancing up at me.
I smile, "Thank you. You look very handsome." He's wearing an all black suit.
I have never seen him with short hair, only in pictures so I have no idea how this will look.
I put it back in a low ponytail, having to kind of lean into him slightly to see the back of his head, "You should have brought a chair this is almost impossible." I chuckle and he agrees.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" I double check once more before fully committing.
"Yes. I want it short." He sounds sure.
Alright here goes nothing.
I cut right through the hair. I hold up the ponytail of hair for him to see, he smiles down at it and pushes back some of the hair that fell on his face, "That's so much hair."
I frame around his face and fix the back that was all jagged from the first cut. Then I shake my hands through his hair to mess it up and make any pieces fall out that didn't before.
"Alright you're done." I step in front of the mirror and he follows, "You look so hot." I admire him in the mirror.
He runs his hand through his curly hair, inspecting the new look, "You did really good. I like it, thank you baby."
"Of course." I stand on my tippy toes to kiss him.
"Are you ready to go?" He rests his hands on my hips. "Yeah." I sigh.
I can't stop looking at him, it's so different now with the hair being much shorter.
We exit the bathroom and join everyone in the living room, "Holy shit styles what happened to you?" Zayn looks completely shocked. Everyone else looks confused.
He shrugs, "Needed a change."
Jade squints her eyes and tilts her head, "It actually looks good."
I shrug, "Because I did it." She smiles at me with a wink, "That makes sense."
Niall stands from the couch, "Let's get this over with." He doesn't look too good. His hair is messy, which don't get me wrong is a good look, but it's not him. His face is just full of complete sadness, his eyes are glossy every time I look at him.
He won't look at me though. At least not in my eyes.
Harry, Louis and I ride in Harry's car and Zayn, Niall and Jade ride in Niall's.
We decided not to go to the service this morning, it was just filled with people who worked with us and under Luca and we don't want to be around any of them today since I don't know them and the guys hate everyone they work with so we skipped it. Apparently it was an open casket and none of us wanted to see that. Saying goodbye to someone who's already dead isn't really a goodbye.
Instead we're going to the cemetery where he was buried.
After a long ish drive we finally arrive, Harry parks next to Niall and we all get out, dreading the walk up to the grave.
Harry grabs my hand and holds it in his as we all walk through the gates, we can see his grave ahead just from the way it looks so fresh.
I'm relieved I don't have to use the crutches today. I felt like I could walk just fine this morning and decided to ditch them.
We approach it slowly, not a word spoken between any of us.
Once we all stand in a half circle around his grave, I read the headstone.
In loving memory
Liam James
Payne
August 29, 1999
July 21, 2022
Zayn mutters a 'shit' next to me and drops his head.
I can't tear my eyes away from it. I keep reading it over and over.
Harry sniffles, "Does anyone want to say anything?"
He looks around and no one responds, "Alright I guess I'll go first." He keeps a grip on my hand while staring down at the grass below us.
"Liam didn't deserve any of this. Ever since that day I've lied awake every night thinking about the things I could have done to prevent it. But that's the thing, none of could have done anything different. And I'm sure if it were any of us instead, he would be standing here giving this same speech. He was such a good person. He was practical, amicable, reliable and trustworthy. He was the one person you could go to for anything, especially advice. And when he would go to you, you just feel special that he thought of you and trusted you. I uh—I wanted to share my favorite memory of him,"
Harry wipes his nose and keeps his head down, not liking the attention on him right now, "This was about two years ago on our last tour, I'm sure you guys remember that whole tour—" they smile and nod, "Liam and I were up on the stage hours before we were supposed to even perform and were just messing around with all the equipment and instruments. I was absolutely shredding it on the guitar as I do," We all chuckle knowing he sucks at playing, "And he ran all the way to the sound booth and shut the lights off. I was yelling and yelling for him to turn it back on because it was pitch black and he started laughing while running back and kept calling me a pussy, then when the lights came back on he was butt ass naked running back to me with the biggest smile on his face. I fell to the floor completely losing it, laughing so hard that my stomach started hurting. I don't know why he thought to do that but that's just who he was, his personality was golden. Nobody else like him." He smiles at the memory while we are still chuckling at the story.
Zayn shakes his head with a smile, "Liam truly was one of a kind." Everyone nods in agreement.
"Niall? You good?" Harry questions him. Our attention goes to him and he looks pale, "I can't do this." He shakes his head and walks backwards, sprinting behind a tree and vomiting.
Jade runs after him to help, "He is not doing good at all." Louis says with a sigh.
"Do you guys wanna say something before we go?" Harry asks them, ready to leave.
"I've said what I needed to say." Louis nods with flat lips.
Zayn crouches down in front of the headstone, "We'll never forget you Liam." He taps the headstone and walks away. Louis walks with him and Harry grabs my hand again to go with them but I stop, "Wait, can I be alone for a second?"
He turns his head to me, "You sure?"
I nod, "Yeah I'll be quick. Go, I'll meet up with you at the car."
He kisses my forehead and leaves me alone.
I stand in front of the dirt where his casket lays under, staring down at it.
I take a deep breath ready to say what I've been needing to.
"I'm mad at you Liam. More than I am with myself. You lied to me. You fucking promised me you wouldn't die. I held you in my arms and you made me a promise that you didn't keep. We were supposed to have more time together, you had so much more to do. You were supposed to fall in love, get married, have children with the love of your life and grow old together with all your grandkids surrounding you. You were supposed to leave this dangerous life behind you and move on. You deserved better than what you were given and I promise to live for you. I promise to honor you and tell everyone I cross paths with about how incredible you were. None of us could ever forget you. Thank you for being you and teaching me things that I will cherish forever."
I wipe the tears that stain my cheeks and turn around, walking to a nearby bush with red flowers growing and forcefully take off a few, placing them against the ground by his headstone.
I walk back to the car, trying my hardest to avoid stepping over any graves.
Finally, I reach the car where they all stand talking to each other. "Are you okay?" Harry wraps his arm around me staring at me with concern, "Yeah, I'm good." I smile.
He kisses my tear stained cheeks and tells everyone to meet at Reign.
It's been forever since we've gone there.
We pull up into the parking lot, all of us taking a long look at the place we feel the most comfortable at. Harry unlocks the doors and we step inside. It looks so clean in here, cleaner than I've ever seen it.
Louis jumps behind the bar and pours drinks for everyone. He's looking better. I think today brought him the closure he needed, none of us will truly move on since there will always be a missing piece but as long as we're together we will be okay.
We travel in a group up the stairs and sit in our booth that overlooks the club.
Louis is carrying the tray of drinks and sets them in front of us on the table, we grab one and hold it up in the air, "To Liam." Harry toasts and we clink the glasses together, throwing them back.
I cough a little at the taste shooting down the back of my throat but it fades, I'm getting a bit better.
He grabbed as much alcohol he could find so once we take the shots he pours tequila, whiskey and rum with soda for anyone to take.
Niall stands up from his seat and walks towards the bathroom silently, Jade is about to go after him but I place my hand on her shoulder to stop her, "Wait, can I?"
She turns to me with a smile and sits back down, "Of course."
I squeeze out of the booth and follow him to the bathroom. Pushing open the door I see him leaning over the sink, "Hey." I announce myself.
He looks up at me in the mirror but immediately looks back down, clutching the sink making his knuckles turn white, "Are you okay?" I step forward, looking at his back profile. He's breathing heavily and his jacket is sitting on the counter so I can see sweat drenching his back through his white shirt.
"I'm fine. Go back." He tries to shrug me off.
"Niall come on."
"I said I'm fine Delilah."
"We haven't spoken in days, please just talk to me?" My arms cross. I talk quietly because I know he's not in the best state right now.
He lifts his head in the mirror and stares at himself, putting the fakest smile I've ever seen him wear on his face, "See? Nothings wrong I just needed a minute okay?"
"I haven't seen you since the hospital, how are you doing?" I don't really know what to say.
His head drops low, "I really don't want to talk about this."
"Okay you don't have to, I jus—" He turns around faster than I can blink and still looks anywhere but at me, "You just what? Wanna make conversation? Ask how my days been?"
My eyebrows furrow, "What? No I just want to make sure you're okay."
He huffs out a laugh, "You're joking right? Are any of us okay? You look like shit, Louis smells like shit every time I walk past him and I feel like shit. Is that the answer you're looking for because it's the only fucking one I can give." He throws his hands up then smacks them back down on his sides.
I've never seen him act like this but I can't be mad about it.
I shrug and arch my eyebrows, "You're right. None of us are okay but that doesn't mean we don't talk to each other about how we're feeling. Trust me, I would know how much it hurts to keep everything built inside. So if you wanna be angry at me then be fucking angry but don't cut me off like a damn wart."
He turns back around, facing the mirror now,"If I wanted to talk I would. So just get the fuck out."
I stay standing because I don't want to leave him alone. None of us should be alone.
He looks up and sees me still here, "Did you not hear me? I said get the fuck out."
"No."
He furrows his eyebrows, "What the fuck is wrong with you? You follow me in here and can clearly see me not wanting any company, and then when I ask you to leave you don't?"
"Yup. I'm not leaving until you tell me the real reason you're so angry right now."
I know I'm pushing him but he needs to be pushed.
"Fine. You wanna know why I'm so angry?"
"Not until you can look me in my eyes and say it."
His head turns to me, "What?"
"You haven't looked me in the eyes for days. So look at me and tell me."
He stands up straight and walks towards me, finally meeting my eyes. But I'm not happy that he is, because his eyes are full of hate. "I'm angry that one of my best friends died trying to save your ass from yet another dangerous situation. You're like a fucking magnet when it comes to that. We should have known someone was going to die but got too hopeful. If you weren't here, no one would've gotten hurt. And trust me, I'll be damned if I let another person die for you."
His voice was malicious. He meant every word.
My lips part, before I can speak someone else does.
"What the fuck did you just say to her?" Harry stands in the doorway of the bathroom. He heard everything.
Niall keeps his eyes on mine, "Clearly you heard me."
Harry stands beside us, "Mate I'm gonna need you to back up or you'll regret every single word you just said."
Niall takes a step back and faces Harry, "What are you gonna do? Make me say sorry?"
Harry narrows his eyes, "What the hell is wrong with you? Are you at all coherent because you have to be fucking mental to talk to her that way."
He shrugs, "I meant every word."
"Delilah, go join everyone else. I'll be out in a second."
"Come with me." If I leave I'm afraid of what will happen.
They stay standing in the middle of the bathroom just staring each other down, "I'll only be a minute. Go."
Niall points to me, "No she should stay, she can see how big and bad her boyfriend is with all the empty threats he's about to make."
Harry chuckles, "You've got some nerve, first you tell my girlfriend that she doesn't deserve to be saved in situations that she never fucking asked for and wouldn't even be in if she wasn't involved with us, which was your idea might I add, and then you try to make a fool of me?" Harry mocks Niall with his stance.
Niall shrugs with a grin. I keep looking back and forth between them, not knowing who to look at and who to stop if things get ugly. "Harry let's go, it's fine." I grab his arm but he shrugs me away.
"No it's not fine. I get you're going through a rough time right now but tough shit, we all are. So either suck it up and come join the rest of us or keep using that mouth of yours and see where it gets you."
"You're a fucking pussy." Niall spits.
Oh god. Bad move.
Harry takes a step back, dragging his tongue along his top teeth with a smile.
Then he lunges at Niall, grabbing him by the collar and pushing him between the sink and a stall.
"Wanna repeat that?! Didn't quite catch it." Harry leans into Niall.
"I said you're a fucking pussy." He mutters, pushing his buttons even more.
Harry slams him against the stall again then balls his fist, immediately slamming it into Niall's nose.
"Harry stop! Please just let it go!" I yell, they don't seem to pay any attention to me.
Niall's nose is bleeding and they are both out of breath, "Never fucking talk to her like that again! You have a problem you tell me, got it?!"
Niall doesn't answer he just stares at him. He slams his back against the stall again, "I asked if you fucking got it!"
Niall flattens his lips, "Yes. I got it."
Harry let's go of him, "Good. Now we can go." He walks over to me and grabs my arm, dragging me out of the bathroom.
I stop in my tracks outside the door, "Why did you do that? You just caused even more problems!"
"He can't talk to you like that. I won't let him."
"Harry I pushed him to get to that point. I didn't think he would say those things but I technically brought it out of him."
"It doesn't matter." He keeps walking and I follow, Jade approaches us with confusion on her face, "What happened?"
"Your boyfriends out of his goddamn mind." Harry says then walks away, joining the others back at the booth.
"I'm confused.." she crosses her arms. "You should go check on him, I'm sorry." I walk around her and go back to the table, Harry tells them we're leaving and grabs my bag. They say goodbye as we walk down the stairs, they're confused too.
I never wanted this. I just wanted him to talk to me because I miss him. I can't help but agree with him though, I mean I am a magnet to dangerous situations. I really don't mean to be but it's true, and everyone around me gets dragged down with me. Look at Louis and Liam for example.
But now Harry just made things worse, I know he was defending me and I appreciate that so much but Niall won't talk to me after this. He hates me now for what I caused and I don't blame him.
Maybe I should just run away from here, go into hiding and stay there. That way, their lives would be easier. They would be safe without me here.
I should text Enzo to see if he ever figured out a plan but just for me now instead of all of us because if I'm out of the equation then their problem is solved. No more danger. No more lives lost. They can live more freely again.
I couldn't stand to lose Harry but if me being gone solves their problems then I can sleep at night knowing he's safe and that's all that matters. I don't want him to kill for me and certainly don't want him to die for me.
I'm done being the problem that's invading their lives.
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this chapter was so hard to write.
harry is now hs1/2017 harry because of the haircut which is one of my fav era's :)