The breeze in itself was refreshing alongside the beautiful baby blue sky that was in view. The sun had already come out of hiding, but it was still early in the morning -and surprisingly, nature served as a source of comfort after a very heavy night.
She rested upon a gray chaise lounge chair that she'd taken out of her room, with a journal seated upon her laps. It had been gifted to her late last night, the journal that is, since she had refused to speak to anyone beside her father.
He told her that if she wouldn't talk, the very least she could do was write her thoughts down to help her process. The thing that most people did not know was that to talk was to heal, to pour it out of one's heart was how you learnt to deal with it. Hence one had friends, and one had family.
However the world had taught Shane to live in isolation, and right there was the crack in her supposedly strong foundation. When the cracks kept multiplying they kept affecting and molding her character into who she was now. She couldn't tell if she liked it or not, whether she wanted to change it or not.
However, she did want to feel fulfillment in her. She wanted to feel like she had accomplished something, something that was a dream. She wanted to leave the world feeling like she'd done all that she could, she had lived, and now it was time to sleep eternally.
She had done a lot of processing last night, and even though it opened up wounds that had not yet healed, she was determined to go through the hurt and come out a better woman. Her dad was right, she had to live her own life, and not a life she was taught by all the undealt emotions she had subconsciously buried under.
She had cried a lot. Her face really didn't look that pretty with all the puffiness, but she needed that cry and she knew she still had to cry some more. She knew that she'd probably shut down in order to heal, but it was a process she needed to go through.
When speaking about her dreams with her father, she also came to a realization that she had to finish what she had started. She was never the girl who would leave things incomplete, she had always been someone who saw things to the very end.
Hence she found herself placing her pen on top of her journal, and picking up her phone instead. During the early hours of this morning she had already deleted her social media, and her Netflix plus Hulu, because she knew these were distractions she'd often used to get over her emotions. She didn't want to use them as a crutch anymore longer.
She selected Hendrichs Hayes' contact so she could send him a text message. She had to relay her message to him.
Hey. It's 'Shanae' , incase you don't have
my number anymore. Let me know when
you're free to take a call. I have an answer
for you.🤓
She momentarily bit her lip, before she released it so she could let out a sigh. She closed her eyes, putting her phone down so as to steady her heart. For some reason, she was anxious and it didn't help that she hadn't actually gotten a chance to sleep.
She could feel the way her arms and legs were aching, and just by that she could tell that she was exhausted. However, she didn't feel like facing Amaru in her dreams, or would that be called a nightmare?
She was interrupted by the buzzing of her phone that could be felt by her thigh. It wasn't a message, neither was it a normal call. It was a FaceTime call, and she didn't know if she wanted him to see her like that or rather not.
Frowning, she asked herself when she started caring about how Hendrichs saw her, or anyone else for that matter. She glanced at her screen just to confirm it was him, and for sure it was. Sighing, she picked it up and walked with haste to collect her ringlight stand, and her dad's AirPods.
She connected them to her phone, before she attached her phone to the ringlight, and answered his call at the very last ring.
"Well shucks, don't you look like you've been hit by a bus," he moved his head back, immediately taking a shot at her.
"Shut up. Start dealing with your emotions and you'll start looking like this too," she gave a small smile, taking a seat once she was satisfied with the angle the phone was on.
"Well if it looks like that, then I don't wanna do it," he gave a sympathetic smile and she returned a playful eyeroll to him.
"Look at you being eager to be on a call with me though, I love that for me," she smiled, deciding to tease him back a little.
"I was already up, and about to start my journey back to Chicago," he explained, setting his phone up to it would be on the windshield.
"You're driving back alone?" she lifted an eyebrow once she noticed that the car was silent and he wasn't wearing any headsets.
"Aha, you sound concerned. You tryna ride back with me?" he smirked, mirroring her lifted eyebrow on his end.
She tried to suppress her smile yet again, but this time it failed, so to defend herself and her pride, she rolled her eyes at him yet again.
"No. I was just asking since I didn't hear Logan in the background and he's usually very loud,"
"Hmm. You're explaining yourself an awful lot hey. I'm definitely gonna go with you are concerned about me,"
"Please, don't push me to start hating you again sir," she narrowed her eyes and he laughed, starting the car, and raising his hands in surrender too.
"Never that Shanae. Never that. You looked good yesterday by the way, in a very totally unprofessional way since you're quiting and I'm no longer your boss."
"Oh wow, Annalise really opened up her mouth that quickly?" Shane asked, completely ignoring his compliment because she didn't know what to say to that.
"The grapevine is fast at Haines City, it's a good and bad thing. However, you really told her first, and couldn't just tell me yesterday?" he was no longer looking at his phone since he was focused on driving now.
"We got into a little tiff last night actually, and I had to come out on top of course, as I should be," she quickly smiled, tooting her own horn, "then I had a reality check chat with my dad during dinner, God knows I love that man otherwise I would have checked him,"
"He reminded me of how even before all the hurt from the city of Chicago came about, I had always been drawn to the city. It's where I'd always wanted to set camp, and each time it keeps chasing me away," she paused, because the memory was just so bittersweet. Things she'd forgotten really, but her heart clearly hadn't hence it drew her there again.
"So, I'm gonna come back and finish my month. And hopefully, and that's really if you want to, but I need you to," she softly chuckled realizing that she'd always be pushy, "you'll be able to give me two or three months of work, preferably three, whilst I figure out what I really want to do,"
She looked back up at the screen, since she was met with silence and all she could see was his face in concentration.
"Uhm, if it's not possible that's okay too. Totally cool, I'd understand — or at least try to," she nervously bit the edge of her bottom lip, fiddling with her fingers as she couldn't bare waiting in silence for his answer.
He quickly glanced at her, before focusing on the road yet again.
"I wanna be petty, and say no. However, I'm a nice person and I can appreciate you being honest with me about your plans going forward." he paused with a sigh released as he slowly rubbed his chin, which again seemed to draw Shane's attention.
"You're feeling the suspense?" he smirked looking at her from the corner of his eye, before she rolled her eyes with a small smile. She wished she could push him away with her hands or something, just so he could tell how annoyed she was, and how much of an annoying person he is.
"I'm planning to employ Ben anyway, to temporarily replace Amaru whilst he recovers. I know you probably don't want to hear about him right now, and once he comes back, if he comes back, Ben will just move into your position. So that's fine. You can do your three months and a quater,” he smiled as he told her, and she couldn't help but to smile too.
"Is Ben fine?" she teased, and Hendrichs gave her his best stale face, before she laughed, "I'm just tryna find out, so I prepare myself,"
"You know Ben, you were seated right next to him before you barged your way in. That was the guy who was supposed to get your job,"
"Won't he be shocked when he sees me there, now I gotta prepare for another misogynistic man in there. Just after you and I got cool," she huffed, and Hendrichs chuckled at the sight before him.
"So I need to come pick you up then?" he asked, and also offered at the same time. For some reason, that really warmed her heart but she shook her head no.
"No, my dad's probably gonna fund my flight back. I should be in the shop come Monday," she twisted her lips, knowing that the weekend would be all she allowed herself to deal, then she'd pick it up the next weekend.
"Thank you though," she spoke with such a small voice such that it caught Hendrichs off guard.
"It's my pleasure Ms. Shanae," in that moment she also realized that it had been quite a while since he addressed her as sweet pea. This whole time, he'd referred to her by her name.
"I'll let you go then, I have some sleep to catch and a conversation with my mother to have," she said in conclusion, her mind racing as she wondered whether she should mention what she wanted to mention to him.
"Have a good mornings rest then Shane, and I'll see you back in Chicago," he concluded the call on his end, ready to hang up when she said goodbye.
"See you then." to hell with it, she was gonna do it.
"Oh, and Hendrichs," he was just about to end the call when she stopped him by calling his name.
"Yes Shanae," he answered, waiting to hear what she would say. She picked up her phone from the stand, so she had close access to it.
"In a totally professional manner, you are definitely the fine man you think you are. You should feel proud of the fact that Shanae just might find you attractive. Now do what you must with that information," she sent a smirk his way, before swiftly hanging up on him and promptly placing her phone on flight mode.
"What in the world Shane! What the actual hell?" she whisper yelled, totally reprimanding herself for saying all that nonsense.
She wanted to get the upper hand in the situation but she felt like she'd just shot herself in her foot by how her heart was pounding right within her chest.
"City Girls down one thousand points Shane, what the hell?" standing to her feet, she walked into her room and threw herself onto her bed. She had literally just fed his ego. She had shown him a peak at his cards. If she'd stayed on to see his reaction, just maybe she'd have had the upper hand.
However in this moment she just felt really dumb.
●●●
"
I feel so dumb for admitting all that to my boss momzy, I thought I was being smart and flipping the script on him, ugh so embarrassed, I can't go back anymore," she shook her head with a sigh, resting her head against her arms on the counter.
Her mother laughed as she stirred the ground beef in her favorite steel skillet. She was making baked spaghetti for lunch, and Shane was sitting in the kitchen with her after her perfect sleep.
"I thought you said there was nothing there Ms. Madam," her mom teased, briefly looking at her daughter.
"There's nothing there. But I just wanted to flip the script on him since he admitted all that to me," she sighed, still heavily embarrassed. She'd decided to use this as a conversation starter with her mom.
"Well you showed him all your cards now, and whilst I'd advise against it, I guess in today's culture it's kinda the norm. Women revealing their feelings and all," she drastically sighed, "they are calling it feminism these days,"
"I wouldn't normally reveal my cards either. Trust. However, we have this dynamic where one pulls something over the other. However, I feel like I shot myself in the foot," she responded nicely, even though she was slightly annoyed. She felt like that was growth.
"Hmm. Whatever you say darling. Now, what did you really come here to say? I know you really don't like to talk to me," a quick smile of sadness rested upon her mother's face as she glanced at Shane. More than anything she was hurt that Shane was so close to her husband, more than to her, the actual biological mother.
"I'm here to try and change that, just before I leave," she sighed, getting ready to unpack a bit of the hurt.
"The floor is yours darling. But just before we get into it, I just wanted to let you know that I love you very much. I hope you know that," she gave her daughter such a loving smile, such that Shane could only smile back before she responded.
"I love you too momzy, even though we butt heads a lot, dad loves to say it's cause we're slightly the same,"
"I definitely see my younger self in you, it's like they say, we become what our parents are, unless we change the cycle," she said, placing her skillet on the side and turning down the heat.
"Let's talk,"
"I don't think I'll be able to say all that I want to say freely in person. For some reason, I feel scared, or maybe prideful to approach you. I know we made some sort of bet to see where my chosen path would take me, and well, here I am saying you were right and I was right too, but I seemed to have stopped. Let's end the feud and love each other the right way," Shane sighed, not wanting to go further in detail.
She didn't want to admit that she was wrong, because she hadn't reached that conclusion herself. She was just choosing to operate differently.
"I'm very open to loving each other the right way. I want to say I agree to ending the bet too, but that doesn't mean I won't speak up if I don't agree with something either,"
"I'll unpack the rest of what's been going on with me when I'm ready, and probably over an email or something. However, you should at least know that the reason I came back home was because I saw someone commit suicide then come back to life, and that scared the loving daylight out of me," she nonchalantly shared, not feeling any relief or anything. She just felt numb.
"I'm not looking for sympathy either, I just thought I'd let you know," she gave her mom a very awkward smile, signaling that she was done sharing.
She honestly thought they'd go deeper but she was appreciative of the small start.
"Well thank you for sharing that with me. And I am sorry that you went through that. It was very selfish of the person to do that right in front of you. I believe God probably brought him back to make amends or something,"
"Well that's tough, looks like he's gonna be stuck on planet earth for sometime because I'm not interested in hearing him out. It was selfish. It was uncalled for. It was cowardly. And yeah, I'm gonna stop talking, otherwise I'll get angry,"
Because she was so heated in sharing her thoughts, she didn't even realize the tears that had left her eyes and were staining her face. As her mother saw this, her heart couldn't stop itself from breaking. She could feel and see just how much hurt Shane was carrying, and she couldn't help but to worry.
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excuse all errors!
here's the update. Next update comes Monday, giving you guys time to catch up.
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till next time 🥂