Chapter 67
A month has passed since I moved to California. My chest heaved as I placed the cap back on the marker after crossing off yet another date from the calendar. I stared at my masterpiece of red Xs and then focused on the last date without one. Thirty-first. It's the last day of the year.
I grabbed the tote bag off the counter and went out of my small apartment. This has been my routine for the past four weeks: going out every single day to buy groceries. I know it's dumb not getting all the stuff you need in a single trip, but these walks have helped me take my head off of everything that has happened. Well, not everything. It would've been easier if that was the case. The truth is, I've never really stopped thinking about it, especially this holiday season.
I've been miserable, yes, but for every wave of sadness that hits me, I remind myself that keeping my distance from everyone was the best thing to do.
After that disastrous Black Friday, I met with Katie. I called her and she agreed to meet me at a coffee shop. She made me wait twenty minutes at the scene like the proper diva she is. And when she arrived, she pulled up the chair in front of me and sat like she owned the place. She didn't say anything untoward, but she constantly looked down on me like I was inferior. I wanted to slap the smug look on her face. Of course, she'd act like that. She came out victorious. She drove me out of my job and out of New York. I'm sure she's also had a whiff of my situation with Axel and my family so, that's a bonus for her. She got the revenge she wanted and I'm paying for a debt I never owed.
We made a deal: I'll leave MGC and New York, and she'll retract the case. I thought about clearing my name at that time, with everything that had happened with her beloved Uncle Randall, but I figured there's no use in trying to change someone's point of view once they're set.
Before I left New York, I applied for a restraining order against Clark. I can only handle too much and I don't want a crazy ex-boyfriend on my pile of problems.
As for Dean, we haven't seen each other again. I've heard he's been plenty busy with brand ads and interviews. That music video with Katie really worked out for him. Just as he wanted.
The DNA results came in just a week after that night. 99.9% match. Noelle is Beth's long-lost daughter.
According to Hailey, they spent Christmas at Noelle's. Everyone was there but me. They wanted to find me, of course, but I didn't want to be found. I changed my phone number so they couldn't contact me. I moved to a different state so that I'd be well far away from them. Only Hailey knows where I am. I call her from time to time just so I can assure them that I was safe and that they have nothing to worry about. I just needed space.
I'm not entirely sure what I wanted out of this seclusion, but as each day goes by, my problems feel smaller. Maybe it's because I'm coming to my senses that I only overreacted or maybe it's just a case of 'out of sight, out of mind'.
Now, I'm walking to the grocery store and the sound of my stomach grumbling caught me off-guard. One more thing to note is that I don't have the best relationship with food as of late. I sometimes forget meals, being too caught up in my head. And just like today, I forgot to eat breakfast. But I'm trying my best in listening to my body and feeding it whenever my stomach feels hungry. I looked around to find a cure for this and spotted a bakery just a few meters ahead.
"Good morning," a lady greeted me as I entered the store.
"Good morning," I replied and scanned their selection of pastries. "I'll have one croissant and one vanilla coffee in your biggest cup please."
She repeated my order and punched it in on the counter then asked, "Would that be everything?"
"Yeah, that'll be all."
"Alright, your total's $6.70."
I gave her my card; and as she processed my payment, she spoke, "Fine day in Santa Monica, right?"
I glanced outside and saw the beaming sun, so different from the East coast. I'm glad because it makes the holidays a little more bearable. I sometimes feel like I'm just on vacation since it's my first December without snow. I smiled and nodded, "Yeah."
"Love your necklace by the way," she complimented and my hand instinctively touched the pendant laying on my chest.
"Thanks," I tucked it back inside my shirt
"My grandma always had that kind of herb in her kitchen. What's that called again?"
I smiled, "It's Rosemary."
"Right," she nodded, finishing up the process of my payment, and then handed me back my card. "Just get yourself comfortable and I'll have your order ready in a bit."
"Thanks," I sat on the table near the window as I wait for my order.
These days, I've been trying to be mindful of my actions – staying present in the moment and encouraging myself to be back in my current state whenever I spiral into the past or overthink about the future. Some days, I succeed; most days, I don't. But I figured it's better to try than not do anything at all.
I stared out the window and saw a group of men laughing as they load case after case of booze, ready for New Year's Eve. I used to be like them. All hyped up for the new year. Hailey and I even used to make New Year's Resolutions that were never really fulfilled. But now, I don't get it. I don't get the hype; I don't understand what's so special about it. It's just another day that people chose to celebrate.
I think the reason behind the new year's is that people are just so obsessed with labels. You have to define everything. You have to define a new year, new me, new leaf, new everything. It's funny because it isn't like something magical can happen once the clock strikes twelve. It's literally just the next day. Only humans invented the calendar – how many days it has to be to become a year and what number we currently fall into. It's kind of exhausting when you think about it.
"Here's your croissant and vanilla coffee," she placed my order on the table, snapping me out of yet another spiral.
"Thanks," I took the coffee in my hand and glanced back at the window only to see that they were already gone. I shook my head, hating the way I sounded. I sounded so bitter. Maybe I am.
I grabbed the food off the table and decided to just eat it on the walk to the shops. The holiday spirit was very much alive everywhere I walk. A little bit different, sure, but all the shops were still adorned with holiday decorations.
The distinct sound of chimes rang as I entered the local grocery store. I have no list whatsoever; I just go with whatever I felt like. Besides, does it really matter when I go here every day?
I picked up a few items and I found myself leaning towards the booze. Maybe I'll grab a wine or two.
"Having a party tonight?" the cashier asked with a smile as she packed five bottles of Pinot.
I raised my head to her, "Uh... yeah." Yeah, a party of one.
"That's nice," she handed the paper bag. "Have a great New Year's."
"You too," I replied and grabbed my stuff.
I booked an Uber on my way out because there was no way I can take all these bottles home with me without breaking one of them. I'm just glad somebody accepted despite the short distance.
"Thanks," I said to the driver as he dropped me off in front of my apartment building.
I was approaching the stairs when I saw a figure sitting on the bottom step.
"Who's there?" I asked from a distance.
"Lauren," the figure stood from the shadows and I almost dropped the things I brought once the light has shone on his face.
"Axel," I breathed, rooted to the ground, "What are you doing here?"
He only stared at me like he couldn't believe what he was seeing.
It's only been a month but he looked much older than when I saw him last. He has grown a scruff and the circles under his eyes deepened. His cheeks sunk a little more than usual with all the weight he has lost.
I didn't know how to react. My body was buzzing. I wanted to drop everything and rush into his arms; I wanted to touch his cheek and feel that he was real and not just a product of my imagination. God, I missed him. I missed him so much that it can cloud any reason I have left.
His throat bobbed up and down and his hand curled into a fist on his side. "I can't believe it's really you."
I wanted to say the same but my different words fell from my lips, "How did you find me?"
He paid no mind to my question and focused on my eyes and my eyes only.
Then I heard whispers, "Isn't that Axel James?" I turned and saw some people already huddling as they question if it really was him. I turned back to Axel whose eyes have never left me. "Why don't we talk inside?"
I climbed up to the second floor and he followed me. I let him enter my apartment first and he soaked in the place – my things were still in boxes, no couch, and not a single festive decor in sight.
I placed the groceries I bought down on the kitchen counter. "Sorry, my place's a mess."
If he thought the same, he didn't say anything.
I've had my fair share of awkward moments in my life, but I have to say this easily takes the podium.
"I have one more date," he said out of the blue. My face must've reflected how confused I was because he further explained, "We've only gone to four official dates. You owe me one more."
I opened my mouth to say something but he continued, "I'm sorry that sounded demanding. But if I could claim that last date, can I have it now? Please?"
I could say he had no right to demand such a thing from me. Or that his claim was no longer valid because I already left MGC. But he's here. He's here for me and I'd be lying to myself if I said I don't want to see him because he was all I could think about these past few weeks.
"Okay," I finally said.
He looked surprised, but he didn't question why I didn't push back any more than I usually did. He only gave a stern nod as the edges of his lips quivered in an attempt to fight the smile that was forming on his lips until he couldn't hide it anymore. He grinned to the floor then nodded as he raised his head back to meet mine. Then he smiled. The sweetest smile I've ever seen.
"I have one condition though," I stated.
"Anything."
"Let's forget everything that's happened in Raleigh."
"Everything?"
"Yes," I replied almost too quickly. I paused then breathed, "Let's pretend none of those things happened and we can have all day."
He nodded then like a flip of the switch, his brows knit together mischievously, "What happened?"
I can't help my smile. He's still the same Axel I liked, "What did you have in mind?"
He paused for a moment then said, "I've always wanted to see the pier."
"You haven't seen it?"
"Well, I have, but from a distance. What do you say about taking the rides?"
"I'd like that."
"Well, come on then."
"Right now?"
"Of course, right now," he went out of my apartment and rushed down the stairs.
I laughed.
I missed this. I missed him. I never thought I'd see him again. So, what's the harm of taking the day off and pretending everything's alright?
I locked my apartment and rushed downstairs to follow him. He has two bikes on either side. "Where did you get those?"
"I brought them with me."
"Feeling lucky that I'd say yes to a date with you?"
"Well, you did. Didn't you?"
"Still cocky, I see." I shook my head. "Wait," I motioned at the bikes. "I thought you didn't know how to."
"I learned," he pushed the other bike gently towards me, "for you."
I didn't know if he only said that to hand me the bike or if he learned how to bike for me. Either way, I just said "Thanks," then grabbed the helmet, put it on, and crossed one leg over, positioning to ride the bike. He did the same.
"Race you to the pier?" he suggested.
"Look at you already going for a challenge."
"Loser pays for ice cream," he said then went away on his bike.
"Hey!" I went after him.
* * *
"I have to admit that was pretty impressive," I said then immediately licked the ice cream that was melting on one side.
He laughed, "Thanks for the ice cream."
"Yeah, I still think you had an unjust advantage," I teased and he chuckled. People were passing by and I suddenly had this fear that people might recognize him and we'll end up in tabloids again. "Hey, aren't you the least bit worried that people may recognize you? The one outside my apartment was a close call."
"Are you doubting these shades?" he raised his head and adjusted his eyewear. "They hide me from the streets, you know?" I only shook my head, feigning annoyance; he laughed. "No, but seriously, I just don't think I care anymore," he brought his hand down and reached for mine. "The only thing that matters is that you're here with me right now." His fingertips examined mine before intertwining them. I hesitated for a moment before I closed my fingers down with his.
A smile played across his lips as we walked down the pier holding hands, making our way to the amusement park.
Time flew by as we hopped on every ride available in Pacific Park. It was so refreshing to see him act so carefree. I don't think I've ever seen him this way. He looked like the happiest he has ever been.
By the end of the gyro loop ride, he looked like he was just about ready to vomit. He didn't though. Just like he didn't want to admit that he got dizzy from all the rides; he just blamed it on the air smelling like Fish and chips the entire time.
The day was so fun that we even forgot about dinner. We only remembered food when we heard a ride attendant ask his co-worker what he's had for dinner.
Axel was very excited. I think the rides did his adrenaline good. I told him I was fine with just about any food on the pier but he insisted on something better. He dragged me to the Yacht Harbor and chartered a yacht. I said it was excessive; he said it was nothing.
When we got inside the yacht, a table was waiting for us. Completely set with cutlery and candles.
"This wasn't pulled off last minute," I circled around the table, looking at the set-up in wonderment.
"Does it show?"
I looked up at him and he was staring at me with a smile. His eyes flitted away and he spoke, "You know I like spontaneity, but I've always been one to plan things."
He pulled out the chair and motioned for me to sit. After we were both seated, someone took out the food on a silver platter. I expected to see something quite fancy but I got surprised when I saw fast food burger and fries inside. It was the same food we ate on our first date inside his car. We had a good laugh about it; he looked proud of himself.
We talked about whatnots, anything but serious matters. We were doing great, just chatting and having a great time, until the salty breeze of the Pacific blew out the candle and changed the entire mood. We were silent for a while, suddenly aware of each other's presence and how the night is closing to an end.
I checked the time. It was almost midnight. I smiled grimly, "I guess it's time to go back." I wet my lips, "Can you ask the captain to drive back to the dock?"
"Lauren," he spoke so softly that I knew what was coming next.
I exhaled deeply, "Let's not-"
"We have to." his voice was full of reason. "We have to talk about it, Lauren. We can't just dance around and pretend it didn't happen because we'd be lying to ourselves."
I looked down, not liking this uneasy feeling churning from inside my gut.
He tipped my head up to meet his eyes which were staring directly at mine. I stared back but he looked away, seemingly incapable to bring himself to look at me all of a sudden.
He stood from his chair and brought himself near the railings of the yacht.
"What the hell?" I followed him. "What was that, huh?"
He didn't reply.
"I thought we had a deal. No bringing up the past, just pretending that day never happened."
"But I'm tired of pretending," he snapped. "I'm tired of pretending I'm okay. I'm tired of pretending this is okay. I'm tired of pretending that I don't care about you. I'm tired of pretending that none of it ever happened. I'm tired of pretending to keep my cool the entire day when I felt like bursting at the seams." he came closer, "I've been miserable this past month, Lauren. You're all I could think about day in and day out. And everything we could've been if the DNA results came back negative."
"Axel..."
"You turned your back on me. You left me. And I looked far and wide just to find you. I never stopped. I should be mad at you, but I can't. I'm physically incapable to hate you. You've changed me in more ways than you could imagine, Lauren. You've shown me what it's like to actually care about something other than myself."
I looked away, guilty of the consequences of my past actions. "I don't know about that."
He blinked in surprise, "You're still doubting yourself after the sacrifices you've made for MGC?" his mouth parted in shock. "How will I ever deserve you?"
"I," I stuttered. "I don't know what to say to that."
He shook his head and moved closer, "I love you, Lauren."
I wanted to say he was wrong but I was frozen. I never expected him to say that. My feet were rooted to the ground and my mouth couldn't make out the smart comebacks I usually give. My brain was overpowered by the deafening sound of my pounding heart.
"I've fallen in love with you." A tear fell on his cheek, but he was too focused on me to even wipe it off. "And I know you don't want me the way I want you, but I just can't help it. I don't know how to live without you, heck I don't want to live without you, but I guess I just have to live with it." He looked down sadly.
"I don't expect you to reciprocate. I just wanted to let you know how I feel and how you affect me. I will never ask you to be mine. But I'm yours." he took my hand and pressed it against his chest. His heart was beating so fast and I swear I felt it skip a beat. "I'm yours, body and soul."
I felt my heart squeeze. We stared into each other's eyes, speaking without words. The wind picked up swaying my hair to one side. He blinked in surprise then his eyes moved wildly back and forth from my eyes to my neck.
I looked down and saw that my necklace was now visible.
His face was etched with wonder, "You kept it."
My mouth parted, but no words come out. How can someone so loud and outspoken be so out of words? How can this be? For the first time in a long time, words fail me. I only nodded, my vision becoming blurry from the tears brimming in my eyes.
Before I knew it, his lips came crashing down to mine. Our eyes closed squeezing the tears down, mixing his with mine as our mouths moved in sync.
I can't believe this is happening. He loves me. He loves me. Me! And I love him. I hadn't even admitted it to myself, but he helped me realize that I love him. All this time, I thought my sadness was just about losing my job and being away from my family. I never thought I was longing for him.
Fireworks exploded and people screamed from a distance.
We parted and I glanced at my watch, "It's midnight."
"That's the first thing you say?" he smiled breathily.
"Happy New Year?"
He squinted, mischievously inching closer.
I laughed, "Fine," I dangled my arms around his neck. "I love you too."
He almost fell but I caught him.
"Are you alright?"
"Yeah," he said as his eyes moved like crazy. "Sorry, my knees got a bit weak. I didn't know that phrase happens literally."
I laughed deep from my chest.
He gawked at me. "You don't know how much I love the sound of that. I'd do anything to hear that forever."
I stared into his eyes and asked, "Can we do this?"
He returned my gaze with equal fervor and nodded then his lips fell on mine once again as the fireworks exploded behind us.
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AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Thanks for reading and supporting 'How to Date an Asshole'. This is the final chapter, but look out for the Epilogue in the next few days.
I can't believe I finally finished a manuscript and it's all thanks to your support. I wouldn't have done it without you.
All the love,
Alanis Korali