*Katniss's POV*
I stare at the letter. My guess is that the letter is full of words that tell the story of her hatred towards me and then enmity she feels. I don't want to open this letter, I have enough hate for myself, I don't need another's opinion on my worthless being.
"You should read it, Katniss." Peeta says while walking towards me. I glance at him and shake my head.
"I don't think that's a good idea." I say while holding the letter in my hand. "I don't think I can handle reading Annie's endless paragraphs on Finnick."
"Annie wouldn't do that." He remarks while walking into the kitchen. "I'm not sure she can bring herself to eve think about him, let alone write about it."
I follow him and I lean against the counter as I brace for myself for opening the letter, knowing Peeta will open it either way. I begin to peel the letter open, but I falter and stop before I even see the piece of paper inside.
My hand trembles slightly, but I resolve it by handing the letter over to Peeta. He gives me a look as I do so, but I just shake my head as an answer. I assume he understands, because he doesn't say anymore.
"You'll be happy to hear that Katniss's mother has been training new medical units in the capital. Gale has been promoted to be a captain in District 2 to help keep order and security." He begins to read the letter out loud, and I cringe at the reminder of Gale.
"And I am loving every moment with my son, who reminds me every day of his father." I turn to look at him, remembering every single second I spent with Finnick—all of my memories coming in flashes that dance through my mind.
"We've all suffered so much. But we owe it to their memories and to our children to do the best with these lives. I hope you're both finding some peace, Annie." Peeta looks away and places the letter on the table.
He picks up a small piece of paper and come closer to me, angling the picture so I can see. I find the photo to be a picture of Annie, and in her arms is a small boy with green eyes like Annie, yet golden hair like his father. I stare in awe at the child, who looks so identical to him.
"He resembles Finnick so much." I say, with tears in my eyes.
Peeta nods, but his face turns once he sees my expression. I fight back the tears that fill my eyes, and I feel him pull me into his chest. I stand there, reliving every second of those sewers.
"He should be alive to see him, Peeta." I start quietly. "This is all my fault."
"It's not your fault, darling. Finnick sacrificed himself fighting for what he believed in, and I know he wouldn't want to see you so distraught over him." He takes his hands to my face and wipes away my stream of tears, holding my face gently in his palms. "If he was here right now, he'd definitely be laughing at you for crying over him."
I laugh softly at the thought of him making fun of me, even though I miss him so terribly. Now that Prim is gone, I'm not sure what I have left anymore. If I had the chance, I think I would've swapped places for him. Nobody needs me, and yet the person others do need is gone—because of me.
"I'm going to go lie down." I say quietly, backing away from him arms. He nods at me, but I notice he watches carefully as I leave and walk into the living room. I fall down onto the couch, letting my thoughts run through my head.
It's my fault. I sent the bomb into the sewers. It was my choice that killed him—I should've jumped down there and grabbed him, I—I could've saved him. There's so much that I could've done to save him. Yet I froze, and watched him become a mutt meal.
Finnick had a reason to live, and I don't. All of the people I've lost along the way have had a reason to live, yet it hasn't been enough. I'm the cursed one. I'm the one who has to feel all of the pain. Everyday I regret not taking that nightlock pill sooner, maybe I could've avoided all of these hardships.
_
After what seems to be only a short time, Peeta comes to get me for dinner. I stand up reluctantly and I drag along towards the kitchen. I feel no desire to eat, no desire to live. I don't want to be here—I never did. I should've died in the quell, along with all of the other victors who passed in that rigged game.
Why was I chosen to be the symbol? Why did I have to be the one to survive everything? Why did I have to be the mockingjay?
_
As we're lying in bed, I feel lonely. I'm not alone; I have Peeta to protect me from whatever may threaten my safety. But Peeta can't protect me from myself, from my thoughts. He can't stop this madness running freely in my head.
It's like they're never ending—my thoughts never turn off. But even with all of my thoughts and subjects, I'm still alone. It's still just me in my head. My family is gone, Prim, my father, all of the people I've lost along the way. Gone.
There's no doubt I'm grateful for what I still have. Peeta, Haymitch, and Effie are all huge reasons on to my success. I just don't know how to thank them, and I'm afraid I'll never deserve everything they do for me. And I'm afraid that they'll be gone shortly too, because I've taken them for granted. And I'll be left even more alone.
I may always be complaining. I may always be talking about how nothing goes my way. But I never take the time to think. I never take the time to think about my actions—and what they may result in.
I always fail to think about Peeta as well. He's always on my mind, yes, but I never think about how my actions may affect him or how they might make him feel. He's never not worrying about me, why can't I be selfless like him? Why do I have to be so cold?
_
I awake to a loud crash coming from downstairs. I sit up immediately and I look around for Peeta but he isn't in sight.
Where is he?
I quickly hop out of bed and open the door to here another noise coming from the kitchen. I stumble down the stairs to find Peeta with his back towards me. I start to call for him, to ask what he's doing, when it crosses my mind. There's a likely chance that he's experiencing an attack. My eyes dart down to the floor to spot blood scattered across the floor. I begin to walk towards him in shock. His hand is cut down the middle.
He looks so, gone. His eyes aren't as blue as they usually are. They have a glossed quality to them. I put my hand on his shoulder and he turns around rapidly. His crazed eyes search my face for an explanation of who I am, and if I'm a threat towards him. His face turns, and suddenly his once sympathetic face looks awfully harsh.
"You're a mutt." He remarks while looking at me. "You've killed thousands of people. You killed my family."
"No, Peeta, listen. I'm not a mutt, it's just me, Katniss." I say softly.
Although, I know his words are true. I killed everyone and it's all my fault. I suppress tears behind my eyes. This isn't about me. He needs to be comforted, it's my turn to be the role of the understanding one.
"You're a mutt," he shakes his head and suddenly grabs me by the neck. His grip tightens as he pushes me to the wall. I scramble to breathe but gasp as I continue to talk.
"Peeta, look at me. I didn't aspire to hurt you," my voice breaks as he pushes harder, "I never intended to start all of this. But, please, I'm not a mutt or your enemy. It's just me." I say trying to break away from his grasp. It's no use though, he's holding on too tightly. My only resort is to beg. I look into his eyes and plead for him to let go. "Please," I huff while fighting the urge to give up.
I prepare myself for the worst as close my eyes when all of a sudden, he drops his hands. I fall to the floor and open my eyes. Peeta's on the floor and seems to be crying. I begin to crawl over to him when he moves away from my reach.
"It's okay, Peeta. I'm okay." I breathe while catching my breath. "Don't be upset—"
"Katniss, it's not okay. I just pinned you against the wall." Peeta says with a tear streaming down his face.
"I was fine. You barely had any grip." I lie through my teeth, but it's for his best interest. He shakes his head while denying any form of touch I try to apply.
"Peeta," I sigh, while trying to comfort him.
"No." He wipes his tear and stands up quickly. He begins to back away from me and I look up to him in shock. "You can't trust me."
"Peeta, you didn't mean it. Please, let me help." I say gesturing towards his cut. He shakes his head one last time before resorting towards the door. He looks back once and then leaves. I try hurrying after him but it's no use.
It's too late. He's gone. He can't do this. He has to come back. Why is he doing this? He didn't even hurt me. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. All I need is him, everything else is unnecessary. He's the only thing I need desperately right now.
I stand up slowly and open the door. I run out the door and across the yard to reach Haymitch's house. I march up the steps in tears and bang on the door until Haymitch reluctantly opens the door slowly. The wall holding my composure breaks as soon as I see him. I walk into his arms and he's sober enough to hold me close until I calm down.
"What happened, sweetheart?" He asks quietly towards me.
"He left." I say in between tears.
"Peeta?" He remarks confused. I nod my head slightly and pull back to look at him.
"He left because of his venom attack." I begin with a shaky voice. My voice trails off as I look around, searching for something to focus on.
"He'll be back, Katniss. He probably left so he wouldn't hurt you during it." He says a little drunk and not understanding.
"No, Haymitch. You don't understand. He left after the attack. He left because he choked me." After I say that Haymitch looks startled.
"He choked you?" Haymitch says as he looks at my neck.
"Yes, but that doesn't matter." I sigh. "He barely was grabbing my neck." I stutter in a panicked mode and he hushes me while closing the door. He pushes me towards the couch and walks to the kitchen to grab an ice pack. He comes back and lays it on my neck. I give him a questioned look and he rolls his eyes.
"Unless you want Effie asking questions, you should probably hide those bruises on your neck, sweetheart." He says sarcastically.
"What bruises?" I say as I jump up and look in the mirror. How did those appear so fast? They barely hurt, only when I brush my finger against it.
"Haymitch, I've got to go and find Peeta." Haymitch nods and I quickly walk out the door.
"Sweetheart, wait." I turn to look at him. "Cover those up before lover boy sees them. He won't come back if he sees he did that." I nod and thank him while practically running over to my house.
I have to cover these up. I can't risk him seeing these and refusing to come home. I need him. He's my only reason to keep going. He has to come around. I'm not mad at him. I just need him to come home.
I walk into the bathroom and dig through my mom's old drawers seeing if she left any makeup. She has concealer, blush, and eyeshadow. I hesitantly grab the concealer and ponder about how to use it. I remember what how my team used to use this under my eyes. If only they were here to help me, I'm no good at this stuff. I put a few dots on my neck just like they used to do and rub it in gently. It's definitely less noticeable but if you look closely you can tell slightly. I throw on a high collared shirt just to be safe and as I'm walking out the door, I grab a coat with a hood so I don't attract the reporters.
Where could he be? He has to be somewhere in town. He knows I can't survive without him. I just hope I can talk him into coming home. I'll beg him to do it for me.
I try and fathom where he possibly could've gone. I doubt he's waiting for Effie at the train station. Plus, she isn't arriving till later. I don't know where else he could be besides the hob, so I might as well check there.
I carefully walk into the hob and be very quiet to remain a low profile. I look around and I eventually spot Peeta. Even though he's in the same room as me, it feels as if he's so far away. Like he's out of reach from me.
I watch as he begins to wander off into another section of the hob. I assess the room while forming a plan. If I approach him where he stands currently, it would be difficult for him to avoid me without creating a scene. I quickly walk over to where he stands and slowly walk right up next to him.
"Peeta." I whisper softly. He looks over at me startled, almost dropping the item he possesses in his hand.
"Katniss, I told you to stay away from me." He looks away guiltily.
"I don't want to stay away." I remark as he tries desperately to walk away from me. I follow after him and it feels as if I'm on a wild goose chase. Finally, we reach the middle of the hob and he turns to look at me.
"I said leave." He accidentally huffs loud enough for everyone to hear. I look around to find everyone staring. I feel a push of my shoulder and see a man walking by as my hood fly off. Why does this always happen? I attract karma. Everyone gasps as they see me.
I don't understand why they act so surprised. Obviously I live in District 12 and I'll have to leave my house eventually. I can't stay out of sight forever. Maybe one day they'll start to careless, and I'll become a normal human.
Peeta hurries off as I follow him and as usual, I hear the cameras snapping photographs of us. I could never explain where they come from, it's like they appear from thin air. Although, I can't wait to see the headlines on this spotting.
"Peeta, wait." I call while trying my best to walk as quickly as possible. He completely ignores me and I hear the people following me.
"Please—" I plead but get cut off.
"Katniss, stop." He says rigidly. "I can't be with you. I'll just hurt you." I stop, frozen, but he continues walking on. He walks into his house, not ours. I hear him slam the door. I turn around to see hundreds of people with cameras.
"Katniss, what's going on with you and lover boy?" A reporter asks into a microphone.
"Katniss, is everything all right?"
"Trouble in paradise?"
"I—"I hear all these reporters asking me questions and I have no answers. I can only think of doing one thing. So I run. I run to my house and don't look back. I unlock the door as quick as I can and slide in.
He doesn't want me. He doesn't want to be with me. The only person in the world who truly knows me, can't stand me. I can't go on like this. I need him. I don't care what he says, I'll find a way to convince him to be around me.
I need him.