— you drew stars around my scars —
tw // self harm
taeyong chews the back of his pencil as he stares at the test paper in front of him. a 76 on 100. the more he stares at the numbers written in bold red ink, the more he wants to crumble the paper in his fist and tear it into tiny pieces.
he's sitting on his study chair inside his room. there's a window on his left and he looks out of it. there are cars and bikes moving on the streets and people walking on the sidewalk. from above here, it looks like everyone down there is happy, without a care of the world.
taeyong wants to jump. no, not in a 'i'm so tired, i want to die' way but he wants to be out of his cramped apartment. he wants to run away somewhere, where he can finally be at peace. if that is even possible.
he often imagines himself in a lush green field, with colourful flowers everywhere. a bright blue sky above his head and clouds like cotton floating. the smell of the plants tingle his nose and the wind blows through his hair. as far as his vision allows, the only colours he can see are blue and green. he is alone but free.
his phone rings and he flinches at the sound. he reads the caller's name with a sigh. it's his mom.
the picks up the call and places it on his ear as he waits for his mom to speak.
"taeyong, sweetheart, how are you?"
he takes a deep breath, gathering the courage to speak in a cheerful tone. the last thing he wants is his mother worrying because of him.
"mom, i'm good. how's everything there?" he says ,in a voice that sounds fake even to him.
"everything is great here. your dad misses you a lot"
"i miss him too" taeyong doesn't know if that's the truth or if he just said it for the sake of his mother. he doesn't want to think.
"taeyong, you got your test paper today?" she asks and taeyong's breath hitches "a 76, mom" he manages to say.
"ohh.."
there is silence and neither of them speak. taeyong closes his fingers tightly into a fist. he feels like he's standing in a court, waiting for the judge's final verdict.
"that's… that's nice, baby" she's attempting to comfort him. "but that's not you. you have so much potential, yong. you used to get above 90s every time. what happened now? is there something bothering you?"
taeyong's eyes land on the test paper and he flips it upside down so he won't see the scores written on it. it's a proof of his failure.
"it's just.." he starts "it's nothing. this semester has been more difficult than i thought. it won't happen again"
"i know it won't. you're a smart boy" his mom chuckles. "you know how proud everyone is going to be once you get your degree? i would finally be able to brag to your aunts about it" she says, laughing and taeyong has never felt so disgusted. he clenches his fist tight, his nails digging into his palm, almost drawing blood.
he wants to throw the phone across the room and watch it shatter into pieces. but instead he says "mom, i need to complete my assignment. i will talk to you later"
ofc, i won't disturb you. take care, okay?"
"yeah, you too" he says, trying his best to not sound shaky.
the line goes silent. the phone from his hand slips and falls on the floor but taeyong is too dazed to notice.
he feels a pit in his stomach like he's going to throw up and his mouth tastes bitter. he gets up, rushing towards the bathroom. he gurgles several times and when that doesn't seem to work, he picks up the toothbrush and brushes his teeth.
he stops when the only thing he can taste is the mint flavoured toothpaste. the brush is damaged because of how hard he has used it, probably hurting his gums too.
he doesn't know if he's having a panic attack but it's getting hard to breathe. he opens his mouth but no matter how many times he gasps or sucks air, it does not reach his lungs.
his mind is like a wild storm. his thoughts run in a spiral. it's like a train crash or an explosion of a rocket mid air, except it's not just one crash or a single explosive. it's a continuous, never ending cycle of crashes and explosions.
it's too much for him, so he does what he thinks will stop it. may it be temporary.
he stands under the shower, fully clothed, the temperature on the highest. the hot water falls on his skin, turning it a light shade of red.
he stares down at his feets, the water drips down his jeans, gliding down his feets and sliding through his toes, into the drain.
concentrating on something that's not his thoughts helps him calm down. he focuses on the hot steamy water falling on his delicate skin, turning it red with burns.
he hears the faint sound of the door opening and footsteps walking towards his bedroom.
"taeyong? baby? im home" it's johnny, his boyfriend of three years.
johnny walks into the bathroom and stares at taeyong standing under the hot shower, burning himself on purpose. his legs are trembling so much, johnny thinks he's going to collapse on the floor.
johnny doesn't say anything. he quietly turns off the shower and wraps taeyong's shaking body in a towel. he guides him out of the bathroom and makes him sit on the study chair he was sitting minutes ago.
he brings taeyong's dry clothes from his closet and helps him wear them.
taeyong uses the towel to dry his hair as he observes johnny's movements. he's so calm. that's one thing he admires about him. johnny doesn't make a big deal out of his problems. he deals with everything so calmly and peacefully, unlike taeyong.
taeyong is like a wild, salty ocean whereas johnny is a calm, sweet river. taeyong is messy even though johnny would prefer the word abstract.
johnny comes back with a first aid box. he picks up a cream and holds taeyong's slender fingers in his. "it won't burn" he says and he's right. the cream doesn't burn. in fact it feels cool on his red skin.
he watches as johnny gently applies it on his neck, hands, knees and finally legs, making sure not to apply much pressure on his skin, in case he hurts him.
when taeyong looks up from his feets, he finds johnny staring at him. he knows johnny wants to say something so he waits patiently.
"want to talk or want to cuddle?" johnny asks, voice soft as if he's talking to a child.
"cuddles" taeyong says almost in a whisper.
johnny smiles softly and picks him up bridal style so he won't get his cream smudged. taeyong once told him he likes getting carried like this and johnny hasn't stopped ever since.
johnny places taeyong on the bed, gently and lays down beside him. taeyong uses johnny's hand as a pillow and buries his face in his chest, already drifting to sleep.
— ♡ —
yeah, this oneshot is pretty shitty but i wanted to use this opportunity to tell y'all how proud i'm of everyone who's struggling right now. how proud i'm of you for waking up every morning and going through your day, knowing well how shattered you are from inside. it takes a lot of courage and i'm proud you have been strong enough — strong enough to go on, strong enough to fight, strong enough to not give up. please don't give up.
here are some of my favourite johnyong pictures since they're my comfort duo.
have a comfortable day everyone <3