*Katniss's POV*
I see the mutts tackling Finnick. He's screaming my name. But, I just stand there. I don't do anything, and that's why he's dead. Except this nightmare was different. It felt like I could hear Finnick talking to me after I had dropped the holo. It was like we were chatting over tea. I heard him talking about how he forgives me and how it isn't my fault. It was echoing through my head. I probably misheard him, he was most likely blaming me, because I know he'd never forgive me. I took him away from his child and his wife—who was already mentally unstable as it was.
I wake up with tears streaming down my face. I pull my knees to my face and cry into them. I'm so sorry, Finnick. I would've given anything to swap places with you.
I feel his arms encase me and I shutter at his touch. "You're okay, Katniss." He hushes me while rubbing my shoulder. I lean into his chest and he holds the back of my head. "It's just a nightmare." I nod quickly while trying to contain my breathing pattern. I feel as if I can't take in enough air, and the world seems to be swallowing me whole.
"If you need to talk about it, you can tell me." He says quietly. I have no intention of telling him about my nightmares. I'm scared they'll trigger one of his attacks. I have heard them a few times yet by the time I'm downstairs he's already snapped out of it. Another reason why I'll never be good enough for him, I can't even make it to help him. He helps me every night and I haven't been able to comfort him once. Maybe I should just do it. Leave and never come back. But that would only do good for me. And that would be selfish for Peeta, after everything he does for me.
I scramble out of the safety of his arms and stand up quickly. He gives me a confused look and I shake my head.
"I can't go back to sleep." I pause before moving towards the door. "I'll just take a shower instead." I close the door before he can respond and walk across the hall to the bathroom. As I enter the bathroom, I get a view of my reflection. I shutter as I turn my back towards the mirror.
How does he manage to look at me? The monster that I am is showing through me like I'm made of glass. I'm not a good person, I never will be. I've killed thousands of people. Including my friends and family. How does he forgive me? How can he possibly ever dare to be near me?
I'm snapped out of my thoughts by the cold water hitting my skin. The water feels smooth against my skin, like it somehow has the ability to wash away my sins. But it can't. And it won't. They're always going to be there. They've become a part of me, and I can't do anything to change it.
The pain and guilt overthrows me. I slowly press my back against the wall of the shower and slide down slowly. I bring my knees to my chest and I sit there, letting the water his my body. I feel tears begin to fill my eyes and slowly, one by one, they trickle out. I sniff as memories of all of the people I've killed fill my head. I hear a gentle knock on the door and I lift my head slightly.
"Are you okay, darling?" His voice is slightly muffled by the water hitting me.
"I'm fine." I say as my voice breaks on the end.
"Katniss, I know that's not true." He mutters. I watch through the glass of the shower and he walks into the bathroom and sits down on the floor outside of the shower. "What can I do for you?"
"Can you sit with me?" I ask quietly. He hands me a towel to cover up with and waits until I semi-wrap the towel around me before coming in. He sits down beside me and leaves the water running. I lean my head onto his shoulder and I remain that way for awhile, comforted by his kindness. "I'm sorry you're soaked." I squeak with tears still flowing down my face. He shrugs his shoulders and turns to look at me.
"It's okay." He remarks. I look up at him and his wet blonde hair is just reaching his blue eyes. I could get lost in his eyes, and his golden eyelashes as well. They have a somewhat calming quality to them. As if I could get lost in the peaceful waves of them. Eventually, he turns off the water and helps me stand up. I grab a dry towel to dry off with and Peeta heads to our bedroom to dry off. I turn to face the mirror and see that my face is red from crying. My eyes wander to my hair, which seems to be matted. I pick up a brush from the drawer located next to the sink and begin combing through it slowly. It doesn't take long for me to smooth it out, and it actually doesn't look bad.
I should take more care of myself, I know. But it seems like such a daunting task, because I'm a complete mess as it is. Any success I manage to maintain is all because of Peeta. I owe him everything.
I start to walk towards the bedroom but I find it empty. I quickly change into clothes I find in my dresser and throw my towel into a laundry basket on the floor. I quietly walk down the stairs and I see Peeta walk out of his art room. In his hand he has a small bag.
"What's that?" I ask softly while approaching him. He opens the bag to reveal a book, but it isn't a regular book. It's one of the books that my father and I used to write in about plants. He hands me the book and I hold it gently in my hands.
"I was thinking that maybe you could write stuff in here about your family or friends that," he pauses carefully, "aren't here anymore." I flip through the pages and nod my head slightly. "But if you don't want to you don't have to. It was just a thought."
"Thank you." I look into his eyes and I lean into his lips. It's the first time I've kissed him in a while. I'm still trying to figure out where him and I stand. I know he's always going to be here for me, and it really does seem like he wants to be with me. But I'm a mess. I don't want to confine him to a life of misery.
I pull away after a short while and I look back down to my book. "Could we go on a walk?" I watch as he nods his head and I smile softly. He doesn't know how much I appreciate him, and he never will.
_
As we near the entrance of the hob, I grab Peeta's hand. His eyes dart towards mine but I give a reassuring look.
"I don't want to be on the cover of every channel again." I huff quietly.
"Pull the hood of your coat over your head. They won't have good content if they can't see our faces." I nod as I use my other hand to pull my hood over my hair. Part of my face is showing, but it's only slightly noticeable.
We enter the hob and nobody seems to notice us. We walk past all of the tables with a bunch of different things. One pair of earrings catch my eye. They're pink flowers with gold rims on them.
"Can we get these for Effie as a welcome home gift?" I ask quietly. She called me a few days ago announcing that she'd be making a short trip to 12 before her fashion line drops.
"You don't have to ask me." He remarks while handing the vendor money. We are almost to the exit when somebody accidentally walks straight into me. I feel my hood begin to fall down, revealing my hair and face. Everyone gasps, which I think is dramatic, and I hear cameras snapping pictures. I look over to Peeta anxiously and he calmly pulls my hood back up. I turn my head slightly to spot the person that ran into me.
I thought that maybe it was an accident, and that maybe someone just hadn't looked where they were going. When in reality, it's the complete opposite. The person that ran into me was Gale. And knowing him, this was no accident.
I begin to hold Peeta's hand tighter as the cameras begin to follow us towards the victors village. I occasionally look back to spot flashing lights everywhere. As soon as we reach the gate, the cameras begin to slowly fade away. I suppose they aren't allowed to film us inside of the privacy of our homes.
"Do you think he did that on purpose?" I ask Peeta as we walk towards the door. He shakes his head while using a key to unlock the front door.
"I don't think he'd do that to you, Katniss. After all, you were best friends at one point." I look at him with slight confusion. I know he's able to find good in everyone. He's even able to find it in me. But I think he may be wrong this time. I know Gale, and he'd do anything to get what he wants.
As we enter the house, I can hear the phone ringing. It's Effie. She lets us know that her train got delayed and won't be arriving till tomorrow.
"I'm sorry, Effie. I guess we'll have to manage for one more day. We all miss you very much though." Peeta says into the phone. I make a face at him and he turns away from me chuckling. I hear him start to explain to Effie that he's not laughing at her and I walk away for a moment. I stumble to the couch and sit down in the corner. I turn the tv on and begin to watch our recent sightings when Peeta walks in.
"You just got me in trouble." He says while sitting beside me. I shrug my shoulders innocently and he tries to refrain from laughing. I smile as I turn towards the tv and begin to hear Caesar talk about us. He enters the tv by saying: "The star crossed lovers have made a comeback! They have been spotted holding hands and shopping today. Tune in for more details!"
"They act like it's such a big deal." Peeta starts while rolling his eyes. I nod my head in agreement and eventually the channel begins to report on the other victor's lives.
I remember the reaping for the quell. There was so much fear instilled in everyone. Nobody wanted to relive the horror for a second time. I recall Finnick's reaping, and how he showed no mercy. He didn't care about any of the others lives, he just wanted to be with Annie. And yet, after everything we've been through, it still wasn't enough. Him and thousands of innocent people were murdered. I take full responsibility, and I always will.
I'm brought out of my thoughts by the ring of Peeta's voice. I don't catch what he says before he hands me a thin piece of paper. I look at it puzzled until I read the label.
It's a letter from Annie.
(Authors note: I will be speeding up some of the things that take place, just for it to make sense. Thank you!! :) )