*Katniss's POV*
I watch as Prim runs to help someone from the previous explosion, kneeling beside them and taking out her medical bag. I begin to call out to her, screaming her name. I watch as she turns and looks at me, but there's only a few moments before the explosion hits, once again. I watch her become engulfed in flames, and I'm catapulted backwards until I hit the ground. My entire body begins to light on fire, and I look up at the sky, motionless, and I watch as the once blue sky turns grey.
I wake up from my dream screaming, and I fight to catch my breath. I begin to cough from my lack of breathing, and I close my eyes in an attempt to close out any tears that might begin falling down my face. I pull my knees towards my chest, and I sit there for a long time, waiting for the exhaustion to hit me.
I'm startled from my position by the sound of my front door closing downstairs. I quickly crawl across my mattress, and I reach towards my nightstand. I open the drawer, scrummaging through it until I can grip the knife I've hidden in the palm of my hand. I remember when I put this here, because I began to understand why Haymitch slept with a knife all those years. I hope one day I'll eventually feel safe enough to keep it downstairs—although, maybe I'll be dead before I do.
I back into the corner of my room as my door slowly creaks open. I extend my arm at the door, the blade facing directly in the middle, and I brace myself for whoever walks in that door.
Once that door opens, I'll have no idea what to expect. This feels like reliving the games again—not knowing what'll happen next. I can't help but ask myself, would I fight back if the person that walks through the door has intentions to hurt me? Or would I just allow myself to be be killed? Because truly, I have no reason to live anymore. This could be the end of me, and I'm not too concerned about it.
I'm not living. I'm just stuck here, reluctantly breathing in and out.
He walks in slowly, and his blue eyes glisten in the bright moonlight. I drop my knife, shaking, and let out a deep sigh.
"You scared the hell out of me," I begin, catching my breath.
"I'm sorry," he starts with a worried tone as he softly approaches me. "I heard you screaming, and I came over to make sure you were okay." He picks up the knife that I dropped on the floor and places it on the dresser beside him.
"Nightmare." I remark, using his extended hands to pull myself up. He nods knowingly, and I look up at him.
There's a silence between us, and there almost looks like there's something he wants to say. I wait for him to begin, but he doesn't, and I watch as his face turns to hesitation and he takes a step back from me.
"If you're alright, then I'll get going." He says, still looking at me. I nod my head, and he gives me a short smile. "Goodnight, Katniss." I watch as he moves towards the door, and a sense of realization washes over me.
I can't let him leave tonight. I won't be able to sleep. I miss when he used to comfort me. But is he ready? I don't want to be the one to push him into something he's not ready for; I don't even know if I'm ready. All I know is I can't be alone.
"Peeta?" The squeak croaks out of my throat rapidly, and it seems as if I didn't have a choice in speaking—it just happened. He turns around at the sound of my voice and searches my face for an explanation, like he used to do long ago. "Will you stay with me?" I'm just as shocked as he is, hearing that come from my mouth.
It seems we've been so distant lately, maybe this'll be the change we need.
"Yeah." He mentions softly. "Always."
As I'm carefully laying in his arms, I remember the days on the train. His arms having a feeling of reluctancy, like they aren't as strong as they were before. Although he's came so far, I know I'll never have the Peeta I once knew back. He's gone. But just maybe, some of his old characteristics might show through. He'll always be the compassionate and caring person he's been. Nothing can change that. But his feelings toward me can. They can change like the temperature outside; rapidly and drastically.
_
I wake up suddenly and look around to find myself in the exact same position as last night. His arms are still warm and they're holding me close to him.
I didn't have any nightmares after he stayed with me. It's like just the thought of knowing he's with me has eased my mind greatly. It's like the thought of being comforted has prevented any nightmares that could've came.
I stare at the wall ahead of me, resting my head on his chest and embracing him. His heartbeat is steady, and it's calming to have a sense of stability. Suddenly, I feel his head begin to rest close to mine and I realize he must be awake. I move my head slightly to look up at him and he smiles at me softly.
"I didn't have anymore nightmares." I remark, feeling delighted to even gain an hour of sleep. He nods his head slightly and begins to untwine himself from me. I give him a confused look as he stands up and he shrugs his shoulders. "Where are you going?" I ask as he
"I was just going to go home. I didn't realize you still wanted me to stay after I barged in last night."
"You didn't barge in, I asked you to stay." I start, longing to be in his arms still. "Speaking of which, will you stay today? I need company." I ask, seemingly desperate.
"As long as you want me to." He says while gently sitting back down on my bed. I gesture for him to lay back down and he does, beginning to play with my hair as he used to.
I feel hesitant with our relationship. Because as much as I would love to stay like this forever, and continue to be with him, I know I'm not ready and neither is he. We've came a long way and I know that. But I just can't help of think of the future, and I sometimes manage to forget that I should be focusing on current times. Anything can change. The course of our future could be decided from a choice we made without thinking about the outcome.
"We could visit the meadow today," I pause while looking out the window, "we can walk to the lake." I suggest quietly.
In full honesty, I don't mind where we go. I don't mind if we merely go as friends. All I know is that I want to be around him, I want to be near him.
"Sounds good." He says while rising for the second time. I smile softly as I begin to get up. "I've got to run home real quick," he says while walking towards the door.
I nod my head and then he's gone. I turn my head back towards the mirror and look ahead. My face looks like it has a subtle glow to it—like I actually am alive. Maybe I should sleep more often, it seems to do me a favor.
_
As we walk through town, I can feel the stares directed at us. But they aren't looking at Peeta. They're looking at me, because I killed their family. I killed everyone. I start to feel uneasy and Peeta notices. It's not until we get out of sight that he begins to mention his worries.
"Are you okay, Katniss?" He asks quietly. I look towards him and nod my head.
"I'm fine." I remark briefly.
"I know you're lying." He says looking me in the eyes. I can trust him. I know I can trust him with details about me that nobody knows.
"I walk through the town, past the hob, acting as if nothing happened when in reality, I killed thousands of people who were purely innocent. I can't help but feel remorse and I can't control the immense amount of guilt I have." I snap. He doesn't react to my tone and begins softly again.
"From my perspective, you didn't kill thousands of people—you saved them. They never had a life that was theirs. They're just unable to look past their narrow concerns and they blame you for any misfortune that might've taken place."
"They won't ever see it like that. And I won't either. I should of been killed just like Prim was. I should be dead right now. I wish I was dead—" I catch myself. I've never been able to speak this freely. Yet, I've taken advantage of it and pushed it too far. Peeta was nearly met with death, and here I am wishing for it to happen to me.
"You really shouldn't think like that. Death has no solutions. It just creates more problems for others."
"I can't help the way I feel." I say stubbornly, even though I am sorry for stating my wish to perish. I realize it was insensitive, but I can't go back now. I watch as he nods his head and looks away. I let my head fall slightly and look at the ground as we continue to walk along the path.
I don't like being frustrated with each other. "I'm sorry." I say quietly.
He turns to look at me and shrugs his shoulders care free. He doesn't seem to mind. I watch as he begins to talk about the nature surrounding us, but I can't help but be distracted by his eyelashes—once again. They glisten in the sunlight and are longer than most. I could watch them for hours.
_
Before I know it, we arrive at the lake and I lay down a blanket on the grass. I sit down slowly and pull my knees to my chest, while looking out into the water. The water ripples so peacefully.
Peeta's voice captures my attention and I turn to look at him. He turns his head to the sky and he's looking at the clouds. I watch as the raises his hand to point at an area in the sky.
"That cloud looks like Buttercup's face." He says. I look at the cloud and pause, slightly in frustration.
"I don't see it," I begin. Peeta leans over and takes my face in his hand and tilts it to the right.
"See?" He says still with his hand on my face. I smile softly from the soft touch of his hand on my chin.
"It does." I laugh, "what an ugly thing he is."
He smiles at my joke and removes his hand. He sits back with his hands in back of him to support himself.
"Wanna go swimming?" I ask, gesturing towards the lake.
"Sure." He says. He takes off his shirt and I slowly take my sundress off to reveal my bathing suit. It's nothing special. It's a green floral pattern with ruffles on the top.
"You look gorgeous." He remakes while looking at me. I feel a weird sensation in my stomach after the compliment. I remember the feeling from the first games.
"Thank you." My cheeks become flushed with red hues and I turn away smiling. He walks towards the water and slowly wades in.
"It's really warm. Come in." I walk towards the water. I dip my foot in. It is warm. I begin step closer when I hear a twig snap in the distance. "Did you hear that?" I ask suddenly, turning to face the woods.
"I didn't hear anything." He says reassuringly. I'm still facing backwards when I'm dragged underwater. I swim up and find Peeta laughing. I realize Peeta pulled me in. I smile softly, but something feels different. My heart flutters as he leans in closer, the space between us quickly shrinking. His eyes follow down my face until then meet my lips. They slowly trail back up to my eyes and I find myself panicking. He gently leans in closer, and his lips begin to meet mine. I lean into him tentatively, feeling uncertain of how I feel. I trust him with my life. But am I ready for this? Am I ready for this commitment?
He pulls back and looks into my eyes. I feel the corners of my lips begin to turn upwards slightly. My cheeks feel red, blushed with bliss. I watch as he begins to turn around, grabbing my hand and pulling me with, and he heads towards the bank of the lake. I follow closely behind him as we reach the shore.
As I'm wrapping myself in a towel, I notice the sky's reflection on the water. The sun is beginning to set and it creates a fairytale-like coloring. There's hues of orange and pink, along with more colors illuminating the sky. "It's your favorite color." I remark while looking upwards.
"Your's is green, right?" He asks softly. I look over at him and nod, feeling lucky. Lucky that the boy with the bread has somewhat returned to me. That some of him is still in there. That some of him was left alone.
I'm brought back to reality as I hear a cracking noise in the distance. It must be some sort of animal. Nobody would come past the woods this far, even after the fence has been taken down.
Until I hear that voice, the once familiar voice, and the noises finally begin to make sense.
Gale.
"Hey, Catnip," I look up at him with pure disgust. His face seems revolting to me.
"What are you doing here, Gale?" I ask frustrated. I don't wait for any of his pathetic excuses. I begin to pack my things quite quickly. As I reach for a towel, he grabs my arm roughly. I jerk it away quickly and take a step back.
"You do not get to come back her and touch me after everything you've done to me. You didn't even talk to me after she died. You never even visited." I remark with hostility.
"I came to apologize. I miss you, and I want you to come with me back to district 2. We can have a great life there together. Just you and me." He demands while ignoring the fact that I'm standing beside Peeta. He refuses to acknowledge him.
"You don't get to say anything to me. I didn't choose you. So leave. You made the choice that killed her. You made that bomb, which killed not only her, but thousands for innocent human lives."
"And you're acting like you didn't kill millions of people." He snaps. I feel my eyes begin to line with fiery hot tears. "We're both guilty of killing people. That's why we're meant to be together, Katniss."
"I don't ever want to see you again." I grit through my teeth while beginning to walk away. I hear him begin again but I block it out. I reach for Peeta's hand and he entwines it with mine. I quickly walk along the trail towards my house and look back every so often to find Gale getting farther and farther away.
_
As I enter through the door, I drop my bag and fall to my knees. The reality sets in. She's gone. She'll never come back. I will never, be able to hug her again. The tear ricochets down my cheek and I pull my legs to my chest.
"It's okay, Katniss." He begins while gently wiping a tear off my face.
"He was right," I mention, "I'm as much of a murder as he is."
"You didn't have a choice. You did what was best for Prim." He says quietly. I look up to him and nod hesitantly.
I killed thousands of people. I destroyed their homes and murdered their families for my little sister, who isn't even here anymore because my past best friend decided to sacrifice her life. Just to win a war.