Hello everybody! I'm alive!
I am so, so, so, so incredibly sorry for my absence, but I was/am dealing with a lot of mental health stuff, and it hasn't been easy for me, but I took a break and am ready to write and update again. In fact, I am so excited to be writing some more! I missed it!
With that being said, I do have some sad news.
This story is almost complete. I know, I know, I just came back, and I'm dropping this bombshell on you all. However, the outline I have for this story only has fifty-something chapters to it before it ends, and I don't see that changing any time soon. We still have a short way to go, but I really hope you all stick around until the end.
I will also be posting an author's note soon about potential stories to take the place of Scars, and I am assuming you all want another Ziam centric one? (I have many prepared btw)
This chapter is more of a breather and a check in on Liam's own mental health before the story moves forward with the dinner next chapter.
Love you all and take care!!!
Chapter 47:
"And how did it make you feel to hear that?" Dr. Phillips questioned, smiling kindly at me.
"I don't know. I guess..." I paused, picking at one of the loose threads on the leather armchair I was sat in. "I think that I wanted to not believe it, but that wasn't possible. I trust Zayn, and I know he wouldn't lie to me."
"And why do you feel that you didn't want to believe it?"
"It's just hard to imagine that someone could actually feel that way about me. That anybody could ever like me, especially romantically, sounds like a joke to me." I looked up from the sofa and met her eyes. "But, like I said, I know that Zayn was telling the truth. He likes me, and he wants me to have an official dinner with his family as his boyfriend."
"How does the idea of that dinner make you feel? Do you have any apprehensions?"
"I am a bit nervous, but I don't think it's in a bad way. Usually when I'm nervous I feel my hands shake and my throat feels tight, like I can't get any breath in, but this is different."
"I think I understand the feeling. I think I felt the same way when I walked down the aisle at my wedding. Nervous but excited, yeah?" Dr. Phillips offered.
"Yeah. I've already met his family, and they actually like me..." I paused, trying my best not to say the words 'for some reason.' It was still a little hard to monitor my vocabulary from negatives to positives. "They're all really nice, and his mum seemed to know it would go this way without us saying a word. But it's still terrifying."
"But you're facing it, Liam, and that is really brave of you. You've come so far since our first session. You've managed to hold your head up, you are mending your relationship with your family, and you're making new friends. It takes a lot to make it this far, and you've done such a wonderful job."
"I had a lot of help," I admitted, thinking back to my amazing new friends and how supportive my family has been. It used to make me shut down to think that they just wanted me to brush everything off, but I realized that wasn't true. It was Zayn who helped me realize most of what I knew now.
"Everyone needs help sometimes, and you found a good support system. That's important during any recovery."
I nodded in understanding. So far this was the easiest session I've had. I was having a pretty good day so far, in terms of where I'm at mentally, and it was unusual, but I wasn't against it. Still, I had to be honest with myself and Dr. Phillips.
"There's still so much I am afraid of. Everything just feels like it's moving too fast. I graduate this year, if I get my grades to at least a C for the rest of the year , and I have no idea what to do after that. I'm afraid of going out into the world, and I'm afraid that everything that seems so easy in this moment will all wash away in the next one. If this sort of happiness is only ephemeral, if it doesn't last, then how do you face the future?"
"Fear of the future is a very human emotion, Liam. It's a natural fear, and thinking about it too much only aids to that fear. But know this, you cannot plan for the future when life constantly throws us curve balls. All you can do is try to enjoy the present and look forward only day by day. It's about the little things, not the big things."
Taking it day by day. That's something we've discussed before, but I was never very good at doing so. If I tried to only think about the next day, my mind would betray me and think about the next, next day or the next week after that, and then I was panicking over what the future entailed.
"How do I stop my mind from spiraling towards the future?"
"Sometimes you can't. Sometimes you will still feel that rush of fear that comes with the unknown, but a good thing to remember is that the future is far away. Think about what you can control right now instead. In fact, what's one thing you can control right now?" She looked up from her notepad and smiled, waiting patiently for me to think.
"I... I can control how I dress for the dinner tonight," I thought up after a few moments, making Dr. Phillips' smile widen.
"Good. All I want you to do is think about what you can control now. Try it for a bit, and we'll work on it in sessions as well."
The timer went off for our session, and I realized that they were feeling shorter and shorter, even though they were all still hour long sessions.
"That's our time for today. Do you mind if I share what we're working on with Ezra? I feel that it would be more beneficial if we were both helping with your anxieties, but I will not share if you are uncomfortable with it."
"That's fine," I nodded. Both Dr. Phillips and Ezra were amazing to work with, and I appreciated their help.
"Okay. I will see you the same time next week. Have a good day, Liam."
"Thanks. You, too."
I walked out of the office and back to the waiting area to see Ruth sitting and reading one of the pamphlets that were stacked on the tables. The cover read "Forgiveness" in big, bold letters.
"I'm ready to go," I said, earning her attention as she closed the pamphlet and tucked it under her arm.
"Alright. Let's get going. I believe you have a dinner to prepare for," She teased in her typical light-hearted manner.
I followed her out to the car, both of us climbing in, and I leaned my head back against the headrest of my seat.
"So, I was thinking, if you're eating dinner with Zayn's family, it's only fair that we get to convince Zayn to have a dinner with you, me, and dad as well."
It wasn't an absurd idea, but there was one problem.
"We hardly have enough to make dinner for the three of us."
"There's always spaghetti. I make a mean spaghetti," Ruth laughed, but her face was nothing but serious over the challenge.
I sighed and leaned forward in my seat, staring at the dashboard and playing with my fingers.
"And... I never actually told dad that we're dating," I tried to mumble out.
"You what?" Ruth gasped in shock, tearing her eyes from the road for a split second to meet my own. Her eyes were wide and her mouth was slightly opened before she composed herself and looked back at the road. "What do you mean? You two went out on a date."
"I never told dad about it, and he wasn't there for it. He came home late that night, and I never brought it up. All he knows is that I like Zayn and he likes me, but I told him that I would wait and be careful."
"Well, you are being careful," She pointed out. "Why not tell him? What do you think he's going to do once he knows? Attack Zayn?"
"No," I sighed again, suddenly feeling heavy even after a surprisingly light session. "I know he wouldn't do anything like that, but I don't want to make him worry anymore than he already does about me."
"He's our dad, Liam. Worrying about us is basically in his job description," Ruth pointed out as she turned the car into our driveway, parking and shutting off the engine. "He said that he trusts you and Zayn, didn't he? I really think you should tell him. He'd want to know, and I imagine he'd be pretty upset if he found out some other way besides hearing it from you."
I knew she was right. Our dad did his best to create an open and inviting environment. He wanted me to start talking to him again, like I used to so long ago, and I knew he would rather hear about my relationship from me. The last thing I wanted was for him to feel upset or think that I couldn't trust him with this sort of stuff.
"I'm going to tell him. I promise." I unbuckled my seatbelt and sat upright. "I just need a little time. Please don't tell him. I have to be the one to talk to him about it."
"I won't say anything, but the sooner the better, Liam."
"I know."
Ruth smiled at me and ruffled my hair, making me groan in playful annoyance.
We both climbed out of the car and made our way inside of the house. Our dad was at work, so I wouldn't have time to sit and talk to him quite yet, but I figured that I would talk to him tonight. Ruth was right, the sooner the better.
"So, what are you going to wear?" She pried as she locked the front door behind us.
"I don't know. It's a family dinner at his house, so it isn't anything super fancy. Last time I just wore what I wore to work."
"Yeah, but last time you weren't being introduced as the boyfriend," She sang out the word 'boyfriend,' in a high pitched tone. "Don't you think cleaning up a little would be nice? Not that Zayn would mind either way, of course. He's basically head over heels for you."
Hearing my sister speak so openly about her own observations of Zayn's feelings for me never failed to make me all flustered. It was nice to hear simply due to the fact that it reassured me of his feelings; that anyone, even someone as lovely as Zayn, could feel that way about me. It wasn't all just in my head.
"Maybe a nice shirt?"
My sister face-palmed as she chuckled.
"Teenaged boys," She shook her head as she walked past me and in the direction of my room. "Hopeless."
"I'm legally an adult... in every country, I think."
"That may be true," She paused at my bedroom door and suddenly pulled me into her side, wrapping an arm around my neck and messing up my hair with her free hand, "but you'll always be my adorable baby brother."
I struggled in her hold before breaking free. For being smaller than me, she was quite strong.
"Ruuuuth," I whined.
"See?" She giggled. "Adorable. Now, come watch me raid your closet and find you an amazing, yet casual, outfit for this dinner."
I didn't even attempt to argue with her. I was very aware of the fact that it wouldn't do any good, and it would still lead to the same outcome of Ruth forcing me along to choose my outfit for me. Of course, I was still grateful to have her.
She worked fast, finding me an outfit within the first ten minutes of rummaging around in my closet. It was a nice white, crewneck jumper paired with fitted brown trousers that I didn't recall owning. She slid over some white slip-on Vans as soon as I stepped out of the closet, fully dressed.
I preferred changing in the closet rather than changing in the bathroom because there wasn't a mirror in the closet that I could accidentally catch a glimpse of myself in. It was difficult to have come so far in my daily life only to be held back by my own reflection. I was still too afraid to look at myself and the damage there.
"You look absolutely smashing," Ruth complimented as I slipped on the shoes. "See? Casual, comfy, and presentable. I am just too good!"
Right on time, there was a knock at the front door that could only be Zayn. I bit my bottom lip and met Ruth's eyes, trying to smile for her, but my nerves were suddenly flaring up inside of me.
Almost automatically, she approached me and pulled me into a hug. She held me tight and pressed a kiss to my cheek. I was surprised to find that I didn't flinch.
"It's going to be fine, Liam. They already like you."
"That's why I'm so worried," I confessed, leaning my head down against her shoulder and hugging her back. "What if they learn more about me and change their minds? What if they learn about my issues and decide I'm no good? What if they realize that Zayn deserves better?" Like someone who doesn't have to rely on medications to stay somewhat sane.
I glanced over at the prescription pill bottles that sat on my nightstand, mocking me with their very existence. I've had to change prescriptions a couple of times to find the correct dosage, and it was a struggle period for me. I felt that I would never find something that worked for me. Even now, with the correct dosage, some days were still rather difficult. Today was easier, but I knew that it didn't mean all of my problems magically went away. What would Zayn's parents think if they knew?
"Hey, what did we talk about?" Ruth pulled back from the hug just enough to look into my eyes. She had a stern expression, and I nodded in understanding.
"I can't be the one to decide what's good enough for Zayn. He likes me, and that's all."
"Exactly. And if his family, for some outlandish reason, can't see how wonderful you are then they're all idiots, to be frank. Thankfully, they're lovely people, and you'll be fine." A pleasant smile as she squeezed my shoulders. "Really."
I quickly pulled her into another hug, holding onto her tight and taking in the way she smelled like the perfume I recalled our mum always wearing. It was a light, floral scent that was rather pleasant. It eased all of my worries to have her here for me.
"Thank you."
There was another knock at the door, and Ruth laughed as she pulled away.
"Go open the door before that poor boy thinks he's being stood up."
The very idea was absurd, but I left Ruth's side nonetheless to answer the door. Zayn stood there with his hands in his pockets, looking out at the street before his head snapped back over at the sound of the opening door. An easy smile graced his features before he was stepping closer to me and pecking my lips, making me instantly flush.
"Sorry," he apologized, noting how red I had become. "You just look really nice, and I missed you a lot."
"This only happens in movies," I thought aloud, hearing Zayn chuckle as I blushed even more.
"You're adorable." Another chaste kiss to my lips.
"W-we should pr...probably get going now, yeah?" I managed to stutter out. Zayn had the blatant opportunity to tease me, but he didn't take it.
"Yeah. My family texted me to say they were just leaving their hotel room to go to mine. We should arrive a few minutes before them. You can help me finish setting the table if you want."
"Okay."
I turned to wave goodbye to Ruth, who was peeking around the corner, and she gave two thumbs up as I shut the door behind me. Zayn took my hand in his, stroking the back of my hand with his thumb delicately as we walked to his car. He held my door open for me, and I avoided his eyes as I always did when he acted like a true gentleman to me, and he only walked to his side of the car after closing my door. Once he was inside and situated, he reached for my hand again and held it atop of the center console, shooting me a small smile, as if to ask if it was okay. I only nodded once.
The drive to his house was quick but peaceful, and Zayn's hand was soft and warm over my own. For someone who I've seen use charcoal and other sorts of pencils and materials in his art, his hands were completely callus free. On the other hand, I had a small callus on the side of my middle finger from all of the writing I used to do.
Walking into Zayn's house was still a bit awkward, as I'd only been there a few times, but his home felt comfortable. It was warm and inviting, just like him.
"All I really need to do is set the silverware," He explained, waving his hand in the direction of the dining table we all sat around before. "But that can wait."
I felt his arms wrap around my waist, then he was turning me around in his hold, kissing me once again. This time a little deeper and a little more intense, but I wasn't against the kiss. Instead, I relaxed in his hold and enjoyed the way his lips worked with my own.
We usually only shared small pecks and short embraces, but the way Zayn was kissing me now was anything but. My heart was racing inside of my chest as I felt his tongue swipe across my bottom lip. Embarrassed, I pulled back a bit.
"I-I'm sorry... I don't know how," I explained, not daring to meet his eyes. How was I nearly breathless while he was doing just fine?
"Hey, it's okay, love." Zayn's fingers gently lifted my chin until our eyes met again. I knew he would see the tears of embarrassment and frustration forming in my eyes. "Liam, we don't have to do anything you're uncomfortable with. Ever."
"It's just kissing. I should be fine," I nearly choked out.
"It's not just kissing, and you know it," He pointed out, and I knew he was right. "I know that all of this is a big deal for you because it's something new and scary. You don't ever have to force yourself to be comfortable with anything. Not around me. Not for anybody."
Those were words that I needed to hear, but they did very little to quell the worry and guilt inside of me. They were my own insecurities that I had to work, and I was incredibly lucky to find someone like Zayn to stay by side through it all.
"I know, I just... it's silly."
"It isn't," He insisted, bumping his nose against my own with the cutest smile on his face. "If it's how you feel, tell me. It's fine, Liam."
I shut my eyes and leaned into Zayn's body, finally feeling one hundred percent at ease for this dinner.
"Thank you," I sighed out, just glad that he understood me.
"No problem. I really like you, Liam."
"I really like you, too," I smiled. It always felt weird to actually smile after having little to smile about for so long, but it was also kind of nice.
My heart fluttered as Zayn pecked my lips once more before there was the sound of a knock on his front door. He pulled out of the kiss reluctantly before pretending to sigh in annoyance. His smile gave away his true feelings of adoration towards his family.
"Guess I have to let them in," He joked.
"It'd probably be a good idea. You know, unless you don't want them to meet your boyfriend," I decided to play along as the giddiness was still festering up inside of me from Zayn's affections.
"It would be a shame for them not to."
I grinned as he kissed my cheek before moving away from me and making his way towards the front door. Pressing a hand to my cheek, I briefly felt the thin line of scars that littered my face. There was a sinking feeling in my stomach at the reminder of my appearance, but I swallowed it all down as I heard the cheerful greetings of Zayn's family entering his flat.
Everything would be fine. I could do this. I had to at least try.
And as soon as I saw the smiling faces of Zayn's parents, his mum instantly pulling me into a hug, I knew that things really would be alright. If only for a moment.