-- ASHI --
"I love you, Ashi. I still do."
I froze after hearing Magui's confession. I didn't know how to respond. My reaction made Magui's smile vanish and she turned her back on me.
"Tangina," I heard her whisper to the wind before she started to walk away and leave me alone.
I went back to my senses and I hurriedly ran toward Magui to hug her from behind.
She escaped from my hug and turned around to face me.
"I'm- I'm sorry, Ashi." She started stuttering. "I should've not said that."
"Thank you, Magui." It was all that I could say. "Thank you for being honest with me but-" She didn't let me finish.
"I'll wait for you, Ashi. No matter how long it takes, sa about ng makakaya ko, I'll wait for you." She gave me an assuring smile.
Staring at her makes me feel like de javu. It's like all of these already happened before but it was the other way around. I was so in love with her but I was waiting for Magui to love me back. She was uncertain, afraid that she'll only cause me pain. It was taking her time to feel certain about me.
We were an odd pair. I was the one taking time to piece together while Magui is the one that takes time to complete. But tables have turned now.
Magui's the one taking time to piece together while I'm the one who's taking time to complete. Magui is now certain of me, willing to wait for me to love her again but I lost my certainty in her. I'm afraid that I'll cause her even more pain and she doesn't deserve it anymore.
It's been 9 years and we still need time. Time to heal. Time to be certain.
"Do you want to do something stupid?" She asked out of nowhere.
"How stupid?" I asked with brows furrowed.
"Let's escape reality again, Ashi. Let's forget about the world for once and pretend that we're still in love with each other."
I was just staring at her while she was saying those lines. Those were the lines I told her when we escaped from reality in Elyu. I didn't know if I want to do it anymore though because every time we escape reality, I only remember how much I love her still.
I wanted to tell her that but I couldn't.
I'm too afraid.
Afraid to make another mistake.
Afraid to cause her more pain.
Afraid that I'll lose her forever.
If only things aren't this complicated. If only we didn't destroy each other extremely. If only it was a misunderstanding. But a lot of big things happened that are not easy to forget.
Magui suffered alone because I refused to listen.
Magui's friends left her for me because I played the victim.
Magui lost Solace because I wanted justice for myself.
Magui didn't have her solo concert because I wanted her to stay.
I was the first one to fall but Magui fell harder.
She loved me more than I love her.
She suffered a lot because she chose to love me.
Am I willing to take that risk again? I don't think I am.
"What do you say?" I went back to my senses when Magui reached her hand in front of me.
I stared at it, hesitating.
I want to escape with Magui again for the last time.
To make the most of her remaining days in Manila.
I took Magui's hand as a sign that I'm willing to escape reality again with her.
We went to Calle Crisologo. We rented two bikes for us to explore the place. Magui was ahead of me so I lokey took a shot of her. I multitasked posting her picture while pedaling my bike.
4shipr1v: Abot tanaw ngunit hindi abot kamay.
"Kapag ikaw nahulog diyan, Ashi Geronimo."
I looked back on the road and saw Magui stopping her bike. I stopped beside her too and she immediately took my phone away.
"I was taking pictures of the beautiful view," I explained myself.
"We can stop to take pictures. Don't bike and use your phone at the same time." She was back to the strict Magui who really cares about my safety.
I took back my phone from her as we took pictures of each other. We even asked a stranger to take a picture of us.
"Isa pa po mga binibini. Huwag po kayong mahiya, medyo awkward po kasi ng mga pose niyo!" Kuya with the camera told us.
Magui and I looked at each other. This feels so awkward. Hindi siya tulad ng Elyu where everything felt natural. Para na lang naming pinipilit ang mga sarili namin sa isa't isa. Para na lang kaming naglolokohan ngayon.
Magui hugged me from behind and I tried my best to flash a smile. Kuya took more pictures before he handed my phone back to me.
"Sana po maayos niyo yung problema niyo. Bagay pa naman po kayo." Kuya said before leaving.
We started to bike again as we roam around the streets before we gave back the bikes since our time was already over. We were quiet while walking around, looking for a place where we could eat.
"Do you like to try Ilocos empanada, Magui?" I asked her as I stopped by in front of an empanada store. "I heard that these are the best."
Magui sat down at the table as I ordered two empanadas and a cup of gulaman. I was about to bring our food to the table when I noticed Magui giggling. I looked at her phone and noticed that she was talking to Riley and Lia.
Parang mas masaya pa siyang kausap sila kaysa makasama ako ngayon. I couldn't blame her because I wasn't giving her a memorable time. I've been too distant and awkward.
I placed our food on the table as Magui hid her phone. We started eating but none of us were talking. This is so awkward.
"Ashi..." Magui called for me. "We don't have to do this if you don't want to." She said without looking at me.
I held her hand, "I want to do this, adi. For the last time, I want to do this. Let me just figure things out."
We finished our food before we started walking around again. We wanted to escape from reality but I can't seem to move on from it. I just took a deep breath before I held Magui's hand and intertwined it with mine.
We happened to pass by an antique store. Magui and I looked at the different items until I found sun and moon pendants locked together. It was made of gold and the pendants are quite small. It looks so minimal for a vintage item.
"Do you want that?" Magui asked me.
"No, I can pay for it," I told her as I went to the counter to pay for it.
It was quite expensive but it's vintage after all. I'm not really into astrology but ever since Magui and the band came into my life, it's like I've been linked to it forever.
First, my fans are my stars. Second, the band's fans are called Midnights but sometimes they are referred to as moons. And then there's Magui, my solace. For some reason, I keep on associating her with the sun. Maybe because watching sunsets have always been our thing.
I asked Magui to turn around and I wore the sun necklace to her.
"You're my solace, adi." I explained as Magui tried to examine the piece. "You're my sun. The first thing I want to see when I wake up and the last thing before I sleep. I was afraid of love but then I met you. You're rays provided light in my dark world and you're continuously bringing brightness into my life."
Magui took the moon necklace from me and she placed it on my neck, "you're my every day, adi. You're my moon. Even though the moon doesn't show itself all the time, it's always there. You always have my heart even though we're miles away from each other. You showed me your different phases and I learned where my place is."
We shared a laugh after sharing those sweet words with each other. It felt like we were exchanging vows as we wore the necklaces to each other. I wonder what our life would be if we were married?
Magui wanted to ride the kalesa since it is one of the signature activities here in Vigan. I didn't want to dahil naaawa ako sa horse but I want to make Magui's last days here memorable.
"Manong, are you sure that the kabayo is okay?" I was still worried about the horse.
"Okay lang po siya ma'am. Noong sinaunang panahon pa po nila ginagawa 'yan kaya alam kong kayang-kaya po 'yan ni Bubbles." Manong, the kalesa driver, told me.
"Oh you named her Bubbles?" Mas lalo tuloy akong naawa sa kabayo.
"Don't worry, baby. We can go down on the next stop na para hindi na mahirapan si Bubbles." Magui told me.
We did what Magui suggested. We went down to the next stop even though the tour wasn't over. We still paid in full since manong needed the money. Magui also took pictures of me with Bubbles.
"Magui, gusto ko ng kabayo." I told her while we were walking.
"Baby, saan ako hahanap ng kabayo?" She started to chuckle.
"I don't know! Gawan mo ng paraan. You're the rich CEO after all." I joked like a demanding wife.
"I'll see what I can do, adi." She said.
We reached the famous black beach. We couldn't swim anymore since the sun already set so we just sat by the shore and let the waves wash our feet.
"Thank you, Magui," I told her to break the long silence.
"For what, baby?" She asked.
"Thank you for loving me."
She just smiled and nodded before laying down on my lap. I started to stroke her hair and later on, she was asleep. Ang bilis niya talaga makatulog.
I grabbed that opportunity to cry all the emotions I was keeping inside.
"I'm sorry, Magui," I whispered as soft as I can. "I'm sorry if I can't do it anymore. Every time I look at you, I can't stop blaming myself for your misery. I feel like I don't deserve your love anymore. You don't need someone who would prevent you from achieving your dreams. You need someone who would be there to support you for every success that comes your way."
I wiped my tears when Magui suddenly opened her eyes. I didn't know if she heard me but I guess my cries were loud enough to wake her up.
"What's wrong, Ashi?" She sat down and caressed my face.
She took out a handkerchief from her pocket and used it to wipe my tears.
"I'm just happy," I told her. "Tears of joy."
"That's not tears of joy, Ashi. Tell me the truth. What's bothering you?" Magui was still worried. She knows me really well, I can't lie to her anymore.
"Every time I see you, I remember all the wrongdoings I've done to you." I stared at the dark waters while telling those lines to Magui. "I still can't forgive myself, adi. Pakiramdam ko sasaktan lang kita ng paulit-ulit if we give us another chance in love."
"That's exactly what I felt when I was uncertain of you. I was scared to love you dahil baka masaktan lang kita and that's something I didn't want to do. But I'm glad that I took the risk. Naging masaya naman tayo diba?"
"How did you do it, Magui? How were you able to let go of your fears and pick me all of a sudden. Paano ka naging sigurado?"
"Dahil mahal kita, Ashi. Kapag mahal mo, ipaglalaban mo. Tataya ka, susugal, at handa ka sa kung ano man ang kahihinatnan nang pagsugal mo. You're worth the risk, Ashi. Even if a lot of unwated things happened, i'll take the risk for you over and over again."
"But don't you find it awkward already? Ang dami nang nangyari sa ating dalawa. We hurt each other so much. What makes you think that we can go back to the way we used to like nothing happened?"
"We can never go back to the past, Ashi. Kung maging tayo ulit, wala tayong choice but to start from the beginning. Get to know each other, earn each other's trust, and shower each other with love. We can never retrieve the love that we once lost but we can always start a new battle. Bagong sugal, bagong kwento."
"And are you really sure na ako pa rin ang pipiliin mong mahalin despite everything? I've been toxic to you, Magui. Red flag even. Hindi ka ba nagaalala na baka masaktan ulit kita? Love is not supposed to hurt."
"It's not true love when you're not hurting. It hurts because it's how much we care for the other person. I'm not saying that it is normal to stick around in an abusive relationship but there is a good type of pain. That's the pain you're feeling right now. Fear of hurting the other one. That's how much you care about me, Ashi. You care so much that you wouldn't want to see me hurting again. Pero walang sugal na lagi kang panalo. You have to lose several times before you get the win."
I've been processing all the words that Magui told me. She really has changed a lot. She became more mature and more willing to take risks especially for me, the woman who caused her multiple pain.
I wish I was as strong as Magui. I wish I can also take the risk she's willing to take. Sana kaya ko ring sumugal at tumanggap ng pagkatalo. Pero hindi ko pa kaya. I'm at my weakest point right now.
"Ashi, mahal mo pa ba ako?" Magui asked after a long silence.
I couldn't answer her question. I looked at the stars above as I started to question myself.
Mahal ko pa ba si Magui?
Of course, I do!
Hindi naman ako matatakot ng ganito kung hindi ko na siya mahal, 'di ba? Mahal ko si Magui kaya ayaw ko na siyang masaktan. Mahal ko siya kaya gusto kong abutin niya ang kaligayahan niya.
Kaligayahang hindi niya matatanaw kapag ako ang kasama niya.
"Yes, Magui. I still love you..."
But I don't think I want to be your girlfriend anymore.
I just can't bear to see you hurting again because of me.
You deserve so much better.
You deserve true love.