"this is me praying that
this was the very first page
not where the story line ends
my thoughts will echo your name, until i see you again
these are the words i held back, as i was leaving too soon
i was enchanted to meet you
please don't be in love with someone else
please don't have somebody waiting on you"
Nadine.
11th Year. (Sophomore Year; Halloween.)
I can't do this.
It's Halloween.
It's too much.
The reflection staring back at me isn't what I'd been expecting at all.
I'm gonna kill him.
When I suggested we go as Juno and Paulie Bleecker for Halloween, I was joking.
It started with a chair–one residing in a movie theatre, to be exact.
We'd just seen the movie for the first time together, and I had made some one-off comment that it was my new favourite. I only said it because I'd been wiping my tears at the time and I didn't want him to know that I'd been crying. Who would've thought a coming-of-age movie about teen pregnancy would tug so hard on your heartstrings?
Harry kept the conversation going, agreeing with me and saying that it quickly snatched the top seat of his comfort film list. And who was I to stop there, when, I so desperately wanting to be in his good graces, continued to praise it, saying that the set and costume design was perfect and that I absolutely adored it.
Who says that?
I think we were at his car when it finally slipped out. When I said that it'd make a great couple's costume.
But I didn't stop there.
No, I doubled down on it. I said that it would be my ideal couple's costume.
Who–of sound mind and body–openly admits something like that to the person they're not even official with yet? Apparently, I do. And I wasn't even telling the truth.
Right after the words came tumbling from my mouth like an inbound freight train on its way to derailment and disaster, the subject changed. We were done exchanging thoughts and light-hearted jokes about it. The moment had passed.
Cut to two weeks later when he told me that he had a surprise for me.
Imagine the look of surprise on my face when he revealed a maroon shirt with gold vinyl lettering and design identical to the one Michael Cera wore in Juno.
"You're joking." My jaw hangs wide open in complete disbelief.
"Do you hate it?" His shoulders sag, and with it, so does the shirt and his excitement.
I shake my head profusely. "No, no. Not at all. It's just...not what I was expecting."
"You're sure?"
"Yeah, yeah." I play it off. The initial shock has begun to fade into admiration. Harry really did all this for me. Because I said I liked the movie. He not only heard me, but he listened. "I can't believe you managed to get it so accurate."
"My mum helped me, yeah. Gemma too, actually. Took me to see the movie a handful of times to make sure we got it right."
My heart suspends itself in my chest. I can't believe he did this for me. I can't believe anyone would do this for me.
"I've also got a couple more things." Harry reaches back into his bag, this time, pulling out a pack of orange Tic-Tacs and a deep red zip-up, similar to the one Juno wore in the beginning of the movie—when she found out she was pregnant. "The candies are for me, obviously—and I've got everything else at home—but this is for you. I figured you wouldn't want to be, you know, visibly fake-pregnant, so yeah."
He places the jacket in my hands. A smile forms on my face, strong and certain enough that it makes my cheeks hurt.
"This is unreal. Thank you."
"So...we'll do it, yeah? Be the Juno to my Bleecker?"
My cheeks heat. "Yeah."
And that was that. We've been set on this costume ever since.
Granted, it could've been worse, way worse, it's still...more than I thought. Everyone will know who we're supposed to be.
"Oi!" Georgie bangs on the bathroom door, snapping me back to reality. "Dennie! Quit hogging the loo. I've got to go."
It's just one day. One costume that isn't even that bad. I can last one day.
I give myself one last quick onceover, fixing any strays from my ponytail and straightening my jacket. Why did the costume department make Elliot Page wear so many layers?
A pair of classic black converse cover my feet, and covering them is a dark wash pair of jeans. Low-rise jeans. On my torso, I've got a white sports bra, covered by a colourfully brown, thin, horizontal striped shirt, and on top of that is the deep red zip-up Harry got for me.
"Sorry." I apologise as I open the door, relinquishing my rights to the bathroom. "It's all yours."
Georgie's dressed as a greaser, her friend group decided to be those after they saw Grease for the first time.
"You look cool, George."
"And you look fine, Den." We're standing in the doorway, face to face. "Can I have it now?"
"Yeah, sorry." I step out of the way and retreat down to the kitchen.
"And what are you supposed to be?" My mum sits at the dining room table, eating her oatmeal.
"Um, just some girl from a movie. It was Harry's idea, actually."
"Harry? The boy you've been seeing?" My dad's sat next to her, the newspaper in his left hand and a coffee mug in his right.
"Yeah, we're friends, dad. He's really nice." I feel my cheeks warm, but ignore it.
My dad grunts in disapproval.
"Oh, let it be. Kids will be kids. Is he still picking you up this morning?"
I carry myself into the kitchen, heading straight for the fridge. "No, I'm riding with Fran today, thought I told you."
"That's fine."
"Harry's taking me home though. Well, we're riding with his sister, but yeah." I pull a jug of Sunny-D off the shelf, purchased especially for today.
"Okay, well, remember your sister has her swim meet tonight, so you can't be out too late."
"I know."
"Well you missed it last time." My dad scoffs, eyes never leaving the paper.
"It wasn't my fault last time."
"Don't talk back to your father, Nadine."
My shoulders fall. "Sorry." A car horn sounds from outside. "That's Fran. I'll see you later."
With that, I grab my backpack from the floor near the front door and head outside. Sunny-D in hand, I approach the vehicle and try to forget the conversation I had with my parents. I've found it's better that way. Makes things easier all around.
"Hey Juno! Lookin' good!" Fran calls across her mom through the driver's side window. I bite back a smile.
"So are you, Maria." Fran's dressed as Maria from West Side Story and the boy she's been going out with is Tony. It is the Halloween of couple's costumes. I close the door of the sedan behind me. "Thank you for driving me today, Ms. Esco."
"Nonsense. I don't mind driving you girls one bit."
"I can't believe Harry actually convinced you to do this. He's so crazy into you, it's crazy."
My cheeks burn and my mind runs completely blank. My brain tends to shut down at the sheer notion of Harry being remotely interested in me. I'm not special enough. A guy like him would never be with someone like me. I mean, if I can't even get my own parents to like me, how can I manage to get him to like me? It's never going to happen.
Harry and I, we're friends, is all. Good friends–great even.
"He's not-no. We're just–no."
Fran groans and I can practically see her eyes roll through the back of her head. "He planned a freakin' couple's costume for you, Den. After you expressed an interest in it once. He likes you, and he's deep in it."
"Harry's nice, Fran. So nice, in fact, that he would do something just like this for them. He pays attention, you know? Listens. It's just who he is."
"Denial is a great colour on you, have I ever told you that?"
I shake my head at her as I twist the cap off the Sunny-D. Taking a sip, I realise two things. One, how sweet this citrus punch is. And two, how good this beverage is. Juno was onto something here.
We got to school pretty soon after the conversation subsided. Fran and I walked in together, headed to our lockers and then to advisory.
I didn't see Harry until the end of the day. Of course, we didn't have maths today. It's the only class we share. Why would we? It's not like we're wearing complimenting costumes or anything. Or at least I think we are. Harry might've bailed on this whole thing and I would have no idea.
The last bell rang so I went to my locker for one last time, grabbing everything I'd need for the weekend. As I was getting my things, Tyler Green, captain of the junior varsity rugby team, materialised next to me. He leaned his back against the metal and stared at me, casually, as if to announce his presence without drawing too much attention to himself.
He's exactly how you'd imagine he looked. Pretty fit, moderately handsome, and lacking in any real personality. His eyes are really blue, very blue. Classic dreamy type. At least his face is good looking. His blond hair falls perfectly on his head, effortlessly framing his face. Tyler is by all definitions conventionally attractive. I think he'd be someone for me if I hadn't had my sights turned by someone else.
But I don't matter all that much to him anyways. He's got the entire underclass female population of this school wrapped around his finger.
"Isn't your locker that way?" I nod my head in the direction of the hallway that runs perpendicular to this one.
He shrugs his shoulders. "Yeah, but the girl I really want to talk to is over here."
I stop myself from audibly scoffing. "And who would that be?"
"You know," he disregards my question, "I'm throwing a party tonight, for Halloween. It's a fancy dress, so costumes are encouraged. There's gonna be a DJ, snacks, a dance floor, the whole shebang."
"Sounds fun." I zip my bag, desperately wanting this conversation to end. I'm supposed to meet up with Harry.
"Well, yeah, it's supposed to be. You should come."
My backpack strap rests on my shoulder. "Can't. My little sister's got a swim meet tonight. My parents will kill me if I'm not there."
"I'm sure that's not true."
"You don't know my parents."
He smiles and lets out a light laugh, and I can't help but smile too. Tyler has that effect on people.
"You can miss one swim meet. Come to my party, go out with me."
Woah.
Tyler wants me to go out with him? He wants me to go out with him? To this party? His party.
I purse my lips together. "I actually can't miss 'just this one' meet if it's the second 'just this one.'"
"Alright, fair enough. You're gonna miss out."
"I think I'll manage."
"Raincheck, then?" He has a way of speaking that makes me compelled to blindly oblige with everything that comes out of his mouth. But I'm not that pervious to his charm.
"I don't think the girl you're waiting for will be too happy to find out you're flirting with me, Tyler."
He laughs again. "You've not got a clue, do you Nadine?" I look at him expectantly. He licks his lips and looks away. "You're the girl." His voice is lower, like this admission is a secret that is just meant for the two of us.
My stomach flips. Tyler Greene just told me that I'm the one he's been waiting for.
"Oh. Well-I-uh," I stammer, completely unsure of what to do or say. "Well, I still can't go to your party."
"I know, you said that already. I've got a feeling you're pretty set on the decisions you make."
"Typically, yeah."
"I'll drop it then. See you on Monday, Nadine."
"Have fun tonight." He offers me one last kind smile before pushing himself off the lockers. He heads straight down the hallway, disappearing from view.
What the hell just happened?
As I try to brush off the interaction I just had, I make my way down the hall. The only person I care about locating right now is Harry. My Paulie Bleecker. The cheese to my macaroni.
And then I see him. Approaching me in all his glory.
The first thing I notice are his tube socks. Pulled perfectly up to his mid-calf, an orange stripe circles around the sock towards the top. The next thing I notice are his legs. His barely covered legs. Short–very short–gold shorts reside on his lower half.
As promised, adorning his torso is the maroon shirt he revealed to me a few short weeks ago. Gold sweatbands decorate his wrists, and a matching one holds his hair back on his head. Because his hair is long, it doesn't really do anything but serve as an accessory choice.
When I finally meet his eyes, he's smiling at me. No, not smiling, he's beaming at me, dimples and all. Nothing short of pure elation on his face. And he totally caught me checking him out.
Now, we're both smiling. He has a tendency for doing that.
We meet each other, stopping short by a couple feet. Standing face to face, the rest of the world seems to fade away.
"Hi." I speak through the smile that presents itself so clearly and unobstructedly on my face.
Harry smiles down at me, hair falling in front of his face. The sweatband isn't working all that well but I don't mind. "Hey, homeskillet. What's crackin'?"
I lightly shake my head. He pops an orange tic-tac into his mouth.
"I mean I'm already pregnant, so what kind of shenanigans could I get into?" Harry laughs.
"Do you have this whole movie memorised?" Harry takes the half-empty Sunny-D jug from my hand, carrying it for me.
"You're not the only one who saw it multiple times. I told you it was my favourite movie." He smiles at me. "You look good, Harry. A real fine Paulie, if I do believe."
"You're too kind. You make a great Juno, Dennie. Are you ready to go? Or do you got any plans?"
I nod my head. We're supposed to go to the drive-in theatre in the next town over for a 4:30 showing of Juno. Harry told me it was supposed to be a showing of The Notebook, but he had connections so they changed it before they announced their line-up.
"Yeah, I'm good. Let's kick it." The two of us make our way for the exit. "Did you know Tyler's having a party tonight?"
He looks at me like I just said the most outrageous thing. "Tyler? Tyler Greene?" I nod my head. "I mean, of course I knew, but you? Dennie, do you have a secret partying life that I don't know about?"
I shake my head and look away, not wanting him to see my smile. I feel like I'm always smiling around him.
"No, he just told me about it, is all. Invited me and everything."
"He did?" Harry stiffens, his demeanour visibly shifting.
"Yeah," I laugh, "He waited by my locker." I look back at Harry expecting to see a smile on his face and share a laugh. But his expression is stern. Confused. My smile falters.
"He invited you?" Harry pushes the doors to the parking lot open. "Like personally?"
"Yeah." The smile on my face is completely gone now.
"Did you tell him you could go?"
"Well, no. I told him I had other plans–"
"And then what?"
"I don't know, nothing happened. He told me he'll take a raincheck."
"So you implied you'd go out with him sometime?" He stops in his tracks. I do too.
My temperature starts to rise, as it does when I get frustrated.
"I suppose, but I wasn't–"
"I've heard he's a good time."
"I'm sure he is but–" I stammer, but he cuts me off again.
"You should go."
What did he just say? Did I hear him correctly? Did Harry just encourage me going on this date with Tyler?
"I should?" My attempt for him to provide a more in depth explanation goes over his head.
"Yeah, the party's supposed to be really fun."
I was never going to go to his stupid party. Harry should know that. Besides, I have the movie, and then Georgie's meet.
Even if I could go, I wouldn't. Not without Harry. He should know that.
"I don't doubt that it will be, but I have plans, remember. Or did you forget?"
He tongues his cheek, looking away from me. "Maybe I did."
"Did what? Forget?"
His head dips into a slight nod. I can't suppress the scoff that rises from my throat.
"Are you serious?"
Harry shrugs his shoulders. I rip the jug–my jug–of Sunny-D from his grasp.
"Well, I guess that's for the best, then. It was already going to be tight with time trying to get to Georgie's meet after the movie anyways. I'll see you on Monday in maths, Harry." I turn on my heel and pick up my pace as I walk in the exact opposite direction from him.
If I walk fast enough, I might be able to catch Fran's carpool before they leave the lot. This is so embarrassing. My throat tightens, and my eyes begin to sting.
Am I really about to cry because Harry and I aren't going to see the movie anymore? Or am I about to cry because I know he didn't forget about the movie, he just didn't want to hang out anymore? Or, perhaps, I'm about to cry because Harry just confirmed my suspicions about an 'us' never happening.
Is this really how it ends? The possibility of there being something more? Is it naive to hope that it's not?
Whatever the reason, I need to pull myself together and find Fran. I can experience my emotions when I get home, once I'm in the comfort of my own four walls.
*****
I ended up finding Fran. She didn't ask any questions when I asked her for a ride and I think it's because she saw the severely disappointed expression on my face.
Thank the stars my parents were at the office today and Georgie's not back yet, because when I got home, I ran up to my room and cried.
I cried because I was upset that the boy I liked got jealous. I cried because I felt like I shouldn't be upset over something like this because it's not like anything serious even happened between us. I cried because I was enamoured with him so much that I convinced myself something more would even happen. I cried because I knew that something like this would happen deep down. I cried because sometimes it's the only way my emotions will manifest themselves.
And then I stopped. I pulled myself together, cleaned myself up and resolved that I'd be fine. I'd get over this and everything would be normal again. He'll just be the boy that enchanted me for a short while, is all.
To distract myself and kill time before Georgie's meet, I started tidying up my room. Which is why, when I was hanging my clothes back in my closet, I heard small pebbles hit my window.
At first I ignored them. I thought it was the tree branch brushing up against the glass. It happens most evenings. But when it persisted and increased in volume, I realised that something was up.
When I drew back my curtains and opened the blinds, I saw Harry. Stood in my backyard with a handful of pebbles. Still in his Halloween costume. My arms instinctively crossed themselves over my chest.
What is he doing here? He wanted space, so why is he the one closing the gap?
Nevermind his intentions. I'm not ready to talk just yet. Besides, I have to leave soon.
As I turned away, another pebble hit the window pane.
Clearly, he had something he wanted to say. I turned back and shrugged my shoulders. He pointed at the ground.
My eyebrows knit together in confusion.
He waves his hand towards him, like a come here motion and then points at the ground again.
I open the window, quite literally stopping the charades. "What are you doing?"
"Come down here." He calls up to me.
"What?"
"I need to talk to you. Apologise. Say a few things I've been meaning to get off my chest."
"You want me to climb down this tree?"
"Please." From the look in his eyes, I can tell that he's being honest. Almost as if he could keep whatever he had to himself, he wouldn't be here right now.
So, I concede. I grab the zip-up from the back of my chair and pull my arms through it. Opening the window, I mumble to myself, expressing how little I actually, physically want to climb down this tree.
"This better be worth it." I say, stepping out on the branch. I lower myself, slowly and surely. I'll reach the ground eventually, and I'd like to do so at a controlled speed, not crashing down all at once. My feet hit the ground with a faint thud. "I fucking descended a tree for you. This better not be a waste of my time."
When my eyes meet his face, he's smiling. Why the hell is he smiling?
"I want to start off by saying I'm sorry." He takes a deep breath. "The way I acted today wasn't fair to you at all. I'm not making excuses for myself, but I want to explain. I...said what I did today because I was jealous."
"Jealous?" I cross my arms over my chest, still unsure of his motives.
Harry nods his head. "Yeah, jealous. I thought..that maybe..Tyler liked you or something and I freaked. I mean, why wouldn't he? You're you. But I got nervous and acted irrationally. I took it out on you and you didn't deserve it. I'm sorry. The thought of me hurting you...I've been making myself sick over it all afternoon."
I shift my weight on my feet, loosening the grip I have on my arms. My defences are lowering and I hope to god it doesn't bite me in the ass.
"I'm sorry, Dennie. I'm sorry we missed the movie. I know you were looking forward to it."
"It's okay."
"But it's not, Den, that's the thing." He takes another deep breath, and with it a step towards me. "You're not going to the party, are you?"
"I was never going to in the first place, you know that."
Relief flashes across his face, but is quickly replaced by the one that painted his features before it. "But it would be okay if you did, honest. I'm not going to tell you what you can and can't do. Well, that's not entirely true." He stares off in the distance, like he just said something super poetic.
"I'm not following..."
"Don't go on the raincheck date with him? Please?"
My eyebrows knit themselves together. Did Harry honestly believe I'd consider something like that? I mean, I dressed up in a couple's costume for him! I didn't think I'd do that for anybody.
And so I laugh. It takes both of us by surprise, myself more than him, honestly.
"Harry...I was never going to go out with Tyler."
His face lights up. "You weren't?"
"No, you idiot. The only person I'd ever go out with is...is you." I can feel my cheeks burn at the confession and I can't bring myself to look at him.
"Me?"
I let out a deep sigh. "I thought it was so obvious. I'm wearing this for you. I climbed down this stupid tree for you. I spend almost every afternoon with you. Did you not notice?" My eyes flick back to his, and I'm glad they did.
Harry looks like he's just won the lottery, he's that happy. Like someone just told him the best news he'd ever heard. I can't help but mirror that.
"I noticed. I noticed all of it. But I didn't...I didn't think you felt the same way as I did." He licked his lips, pensive. "Can I be honest with you?"
"Is that not what you've been doing...?" I tease but he shakes his head playfully, dismissing the jest.
"I didn't want you to go out with Tyler because I like you, Nadine. Like a lot. You're the coolest person I've ever met, and you don't even have to try. I just like being around you, Dennie."
My stomach flips and I feel like I've been gutted–in a good way, of course. My heart is beating so fast that I'm afraid it'll break out of my ribcage and beat right into the palms of my hands. If it did that, I think I'd just hand it to Harry, if that's any indicator how I feel about him.
And on top of all that, he perfectly weaved a Juno reference in. That small inclusion is enough to make my eyes water, and frankly, it's surprising I'm not full-on crying again.
"No fucking way."
"What?"
"I thought you wanted me to go out with Tyler because you didn't like me in that way." Harry shakes his head, making sure that I understand his true feelings for me. "I thought I'd never get the chance to tell you that I like you too, Harry. Everything's better with you. And I'm not just saying that. I mean it. You're, like, the coolest person I've ever met. And if anyone doesn't have to try, it's you." I sniffle, attempting to hold off the tears just a bit longer.
"I try really hard, actually." He jokes and I let out a light laugh. "Nadine Rhodes, I've got a question to ask you. It's actually the reason I walked all the way over here in the first place."
He steps closer, leaving barely any space between us. I look up into his green eyes through my eyelashes, waiting for his question. Though, deep down I know what it's going to be. And I know what I'm going to answer.
"Will you be my girlfriend?"
My heart pounds itself in my chest. I nearly don't believe him. There's no way he actually said that. There's no way he actually feels the same way I do about him. It's ridiculous. Inconceivable.
Yet, not entirely.
Because here he is. Standing in front of me, open and honestly, dressed in a very bright track costume waiting for my answer.
"I don't know, I mean I'll see if I can swing it–"
"Dennie." His voice is stern, like if I make him wait any longer in this purgatorial state he might disappear from the physical realm.
"Are you kidding? After everything, what makes you think my answer is going to be anything other than a complete, total, resounding yes?"
He exhales a sigh of relief and leans down, closing the gap between our lips. His hands hold either side of my face as mine hold his waist.
Georgie bangs on the back patio door. I can tell it's her because my parents wouldn't have tried to break us up that way. They'd come out here and physically separate us.
So, in typical Juno fashion, I hold my right arm out, stick my middle finger proudly in the air and flip her off as Harry and I savour this moment together.
The two of us finally break apart after an undisclosed amount of time. Harry rests his forehead against mine, just taking in our togetherness.
In this moment, I feel I've found an answer to one of the questions I've been asking myself a lot recently.
Maybe two people can stay together for good. And maybe, just maybe, those two people could be Harry and I. Only time will tell.
Let's hope it's kind to us.
a/n: hello milas ! flashback chapter ! any similarities with what happened in the previous chapter ? hmm, it's almost like i planned it ... anyways, did we like this chapter ?? any thoughts ?? i, for one, will not tolerate any juno slander at all. it is my favourite movie of all time and i love it dearly so i just had to share it with you all too. (if you haven't seen it, it's on hulu right now, literally go watch it rn. run don't walk, i'm being so serious.) any predictions for where the story's gonna go from here ?? as always, don't spread negativity and don't be a ghost reader !! vote/comment/share !! kisses !!
-az.xx