-- ASHI --
"Are you okay?" Magui caressed my face the moment I arrived in the car park.
She looked at my left cheek that Alya slapped. I can see how furious Magui is. It's like she wanted to hurt Alya more because of what she did to me a while ago.
"I'm okay, Magui." I removed her hand from my face. I remembered Magui's words. I didn't expect her to say that. I know how important Solace is to her. "Thank you for choosing me."
"I'll always choose you above anything, Ashi. You mean the world to me." She assured me.
"Is this MaShi version 2.0?" Savannah teased us.
The girls started giggling again but it wasn't funny anymore. They should learn to accept that Magui and I are no longer together. May mga bagay na hindi naman basta-basta mababalik sa dati.
Yes, I already know the truth. I already know that Magui didn't cheat on me. But it wouldn't restore everything that we lost. It wouldn't return the tears that we cried. It wouldn't bring back the trust we used to have for each other.
"Stop it." I stopped her. "Magui and I are only friends."
"Sus, doon rin naman pupunta 'yon." Gia added to her best friend's joke. "Advance lang kami mag-isip."
Magui told us that it was already time to go home. A lot has happened today and we should rest. At home, I stormed in my room. Stella, Gia, and Savannah followed after me.
"Anong problema, Ashi?" Stella asked the moment she closed the door.
I didn't answer her, instead, tears started to fall from my eyes again.
I can remember every word that Alya told me. I took Solace from Magui. I ruined her life! I just wanted justice for myself, why do things have to be like this? Why did I have to be the bad guy?
Later on, Magui knocked and entered my room. This is the first time that she's been on my room.
"Call us when you need us," Stella told me before she left with Gia and Savannah.
They closed the door and left me alone with Magui. I couldn't look at her so I just lay on my bed while trying not to shed a tear anymore.
"I know you're not okay." Magui started talking. "I know you, Ash. You're not okay. What's bothering you?"
"Nalulungkot lang ako." I sat on my bed.
I tapped my bed to signal her to sit down beside me.
"She reminded me of how I ruined your life. You gave me everything yet I took what you have left. I think she's right, Magui. I don't deserve you." I couldn't look at her while saying those.
"Then who deserves me? Si Alya?" She joked which made me raise my brows at her.
"Hell no!" I slapped her thigh. "Mas deserving pa ko kaysa sa kaniya."
"Alam mo, Ash... Alya couldn't determine kung sino ang may deserve sa'kin. No one does but me and I assure you, ikaw lang ang deserving para sa pagmamahal ko."
"Even though I took Solace away from you?" I asked.
"You're my solace, Ashi. You'll always be." I hugged her and she hugged me too.
"Can you sleep here?" I requested.
I couldn't understand myself. Even if I tell myself over and over that Magui is just my friend, at the end of the day, it's still her that I want to be with. She's the first person I want to see when I wake up, and the last before I sleep. She's my comfort, my person, my solace.
Magui went down to shower and change into her pajamas. Later on, she went back to my room. I moved to the side to give her some space. I was just laying there when Magui scooped me like a little spoon. This is what I needed.
"Sa pagkumpas ng 'yong kamay
Aking landas, ginagabay
Nag-iisang tiyak sa isang libong duda
Silong sa iyak at pagluluksa."
Magui started singing our song while she was playing with my hands. I held her hand and intertwined it with mine.
If only we could stay like this forever.
I we can only turn our backs on the world.
If only we can just be together again.
Disregard all the pain and all that's been lost.
If only we can.
"Kung puso ko ay imamapa
Ikaw ang dulo, gitna't simula
Nahanap din kita
Kay tagal kong naghintay
Nahanap din kita"
I started singing with Magui.
"I love you, adi," I heard Magui whisper before she fell asleep.
I looked at her and hugged her while she sleeps on me. I kissed her on the forehead.
"I love you too, adi."
Hours passed by but I still couldn't sleep. Alya's words were haunting me. I'm the reason why Magui is suffering right now. I'm the reason why she's has nothing anymore.
I wish I listened.
I wish I trusted her.
I went back to my senses when Magui started crying. I think she was having a nightmare.
"Don't leave, Ash... Please... Hear me out... Please..." She started to sleep talk so I calmed her down.
"Shh, Mags." I hugged her and she started to calm down. "Ashi's here now. Ashi's always here."
-- FLASHBACK --
"Magui's waiting again for you," Jenna whispered while we went out of our building.
I told her that she can go ahead dahil haharapin ko lang si Magui. She didn't want to leave but I said that I can handle her.
It's been a week since our breakup. Lagi siyang andiyan sa tapat ng building namin ni Jenna, inaantay ako. She went near me and handed me a bouquet of roses but I just threw it at her.
"Ashi, let's just talk, please," pagmamakaawa niya.
I was mourning over my grades, losing all my achievements. A day after the breakup, I found out about mom's illness and it was rapidly progressing. Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang uunahin ko. The last thing I need right is Magui chasing me.
I stopped walking to look at her. Magui's eyes were sore from crying. Pagod na pagod na rin ang itsura niya. It's like she hasn't slept for a week.
"Bakit ba andito ka nanaman? Wala ka bang klase?" I snapped out at Magui. For the past few days, I was just ignoring her but today? I couldn't anymore.
She pursed her lips and avoided my gaze. I know she wants to say something but she didn't know how to say it. She was keeping it all in. Natatakot tuloy ako na maybe, it was more than a kiss. What if it wasn't a one-night's mistake? What if she was already in love with that woman?
"Don't you have prelims today?" I asked another question to Magui.
"It's done," she answered.
"Kung tapos na, magpahinga ka na. We're done na rin naman eh. We don't have to see each other anymore." I started walking again.
I thought she wouldn't chase me like how she is during the past few days but she did. She held my hand so I had to face her and take it away from her.
"What do you mean we're done?" Magui started shivering. Tears were streaming down her face.
"Isn't what I did to you during our anniversary clear to you? We're over, Magui. We're broken up." Every word I said was crushing me. I didn't want to but I have to think about myself from now on.
I gave Magui my everything. She has my everything. Now, I have nothing for myself.
"Hindi mo na ba ko mahal?" Magui kneeled and begged for me.
It's not that I don't love Magui anymore. I love her so much that's why I'm doing this. Sa sobrang pagmamahal ko sa kaniya, nagmumukha na kong tanga kakamahal sa isang tao who clearly doesn't feel the same way for me.
"Tumayo ka diyan." I started crying too. Pinagtitinginan na kami ng mga tao.
"Ashi please I can't lose you. I love you so much, ayusin natin 'to please! Let me explain!" She begged as I helped her stand up. We were already causing a commotion.
"Can you even hear yourself? Ayusin? You're a cheater! You cheated on me with the girl you told me not to fucking worry about! How would you explain that, huh?" I tried my best not to yell at her but I made sure that she'll feel my anger.
Magui was just shaking her head, "I didn't cheat on you, Ashi. Please believe me." She continued begging.
"You were already caught yet you still wouldn't admit your fault. Ang hirap mo na intindihin, Magui!"
"You won't listen so how would you understand me?"
"Ako pa ngayon ang dapat umintindi sa'yo? Utang na loob, Magui! Itigil na nga natin 'tong kalokohan na 'to. Naggagaguhan na lang tayo dito eh."
"Ashi please, itataya ko ang buhay ko. I didn't cheat on you." She kneeled down again just to prevent me from walking away.
Umiling ako while wiping my tears. I looked at Magui who was in so much pain. It looks like she was barely living at all.
I also kneeled down to face her. I held her face with both of my hands.
I can't bear to see the woman I love hurting like this.
But I don't want to be selfless anymore.
Oras na para sarili ko naman ang isipin ko.
"I love you, Magui." I told her. "But my love wasn't enough for you."
"No Ashi, it was more than enough."
"If it was more than enough, you wouldn't find another girl to kiss. As much as it breaks me Magui, we're no longer good for each other. Nagkakasakitan lang tayo. Ang toxic na. Please let me go dahil ayoko na."
"I wouldn't stop chasing you, Ashi. I wouldn't stop until you hear me out."
A week has passed since our intese confrontation. Kung dati ay lagi niya along inaabangan sa labas ng building, ngayon ay lagi siyang nakatambay sa labas ng bahay. Buti na lang nasa hospital na si mommy so she wouldn't see Magui and I hurting each other. Hindi ko pa masabi sa kaniya na we're no longer together.
One day, Malia went to visit me. She was keeping me company when Magui arrived. I couldn't face her since she wouldn't leave naman so I told Malia to talk to Magui instead. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang sinabi niya but after that, Magui never showed up ever again. I think that was the last time I saw Magui.
At first, I was happy. I finally had the space that I needed. Nakapagfocus ako sa sarili ko even though sometimes I was still crying and hurting because of her. Then my mom died. Even in her deathbed, she was thinking of Magui. Her last words were to forgive Magui because she knows how much Magui loves me.
That's when I started missing her. I noticed that she's no longer waiting outside my building, wala na rin siya sa labas ng bahay. I even asked her blockmates kung kamusta na siya but she was no longer attending her classes. I got so worried that we started looking for her.
She wasn't at her house or her brother's building. She wasn't in her dad's grave. We searched everywhere but she was gone. She left without saying where she'll go. She left without saying goodbye. She left without waiting for me to lend an ear. She left me without telling me why she cheated on me.
-- END OF FLASHBACK --
I took a picture of Magui that was still sleeping soundly beside me.
4ship1rv: If only we can stay like this forever, adi.
I finally slept and woke up when the sun hit my eyes. I was feeling the bed to look for Magui but she wasn't there anymore. I started to worry that maybe she left again without saying a word but then the door opened. It was Magui who was holding a tray of pancakes.
"Good morning, baby." She greeted me. "Breakfast in bed."
Magui placed the tray on my table and she sat on the chair. I sat on Magui's thighs as I started cutting a slice. I took the first bite bago ko sinubuan si Magui.
"Ang sarap." I said as I was enjoying every bite.
"I made that specially for you. Ubusin mo na dahil nagtatampo yung iba. Hindi ko kasi sila binigyan." Magui explained.
"Magui..." I called for her.
"Hmm?"
"Please don't leave me again."
"I won't, baby. Dito lang si Magui."
Dito lang si Magui.
I haven't heard that for years.
Memories came coming back and I started crying again. Good memories.
"Baby, what's wrong?" Magui got worried so she helped me sit on the bed. She even hugged me just to calm down.
"Nothing, I'm just happy," I said while wiping my tears. "Haven't you heard of tears of joy?" I started chuckling.
"Is it because of something I said?" She was still worried.
"No, adi," I assured her. "Dito lang din si Ashi."
I saw how her eyes lit up. Nagets na rin niya.
I wanted to cuddle more so Magui and I went back to bed. I was back to being the small spoon while Magui was hugging me from behind.
I missed her so much.
"Ashi do you want to-" Gia entered my room but she wasn't able to finish her sentence. "Nakaistorbo yata ako." She scratched the back of her head.
"What do you want?" I asked, annoyed.
"I was just gonna ask if you want to go to the spa with us, pamper day ganun. But I guess you're already relaxing," Gia teased. "So enjoy na lang, love birds!"
Gia slammed the door, probably because of excitement. Hindi ko na siya pinansin and I turned to face Magui instead.
We had the house for ourselves because everyone went out. It was Jenna's turn to write a song but we switched places since she didn't have any creative juices pa daw. I asked Magui to help me because she's really good at writing songs.
"When I look into your eyes,
I see a paradise,
That no one could ever see,
Or ever feel, or ever get a glimpse of.
You're driving me crazy"
I sang the first five lines that I wrote to Magui.
"Is this about me again?" She gave me a teasing smile.
"'Wag kang feeling!" I playfully rolled my eyes at her.
"You know that it is easier to write songs when you're inspired."
"All of our songs are dedicated to you except Dalangin. Kay Stella 'yon. Kotang-kota ka na sa'min, Mags."
"Ganun niyo raw kasi ako kamahal."
I'm amazed at how Magui has changed. Hindi naman siya ganito dati. She's always very shy and prefers laughing at our jokes only. I guess Canada did really change her. Makulit na rin siya.
"I got something." Magui said as she pulled the strings of her guitar.
"When I get reminded by,
The way you walk,
The way you smell,
The way your eyelash dances,
Oh, don't you know?"
I was just staring at her when she started singing.
"Parang may kulang," She told me while she was writing random lines on the paper.
"I feel home whenever i'm with you? No. Home is where you are? Too short. I want to reside with you?" She keeps on coming up with lines but doesn't seem to be satisfied by it.
"You make me wanna reside in your presence," I told Magui while I was still staring at her.
"That's it! It's beautiful, Ashi!" She wrote what I said on the paper and started singing the song again.
Akala niya it was my suggestion for the missing line but I really wanna reside in her presence.
She's my home.
In just 2 hours, we finished the whole song. Who would've thought that writing a song could be this fun and quick? Ang galing talaga ni Magui magsulat. Now I know why artists were fighting for her songs.
She's a natural.
It was already lunchtime and I asked Magui to cook Sinigang. It's been years since I last tasted hers. It was my favorite recipe.
"Masarap?" Magui asked after I took a first bite.
It was really delicious that I had to do my happy dance.
"There's the happy dance!" Magui cheered before she took a bite as well.
After eating lunch, ako na yung naghugas dahil si Magui ang nagluto. We just watched movies until it was almost sun down. I asked Magui to change her clothes dahil may pupuntahan kami.
We went to her estranged brother's old building. This is where we used to watch the sunset and have dinner dates together. It used to be really beautiful but since it was abandoned, nagmukha nang luma.
Simple lang naman kasi kami ni Magui. Hindi kami maarte, kahit saan magdedate kami basta kasama namin ang isa't isa. Today is a biglaan so we just placed a blanket there and sat down as we watch the sun set.
It was simple but it was the good old days.
It felt so us.
It felt like we weren't hurting.
It felt like we were never torn apart.
"I love you, my solace." I laid my head on her shoulders.
"I love you too, my everyday." Magui said.
We were silent for a while.
"Walang dulo." We both said at the same time.