I drank some wine to buy myself more time to think. I'm kicking myself for telling her dad so I decided to give her the safe version which is technically true as well.
"I've started looking into jobs. Most of the big companies are in the United States but there are some in Liverpool, Manchester, and London. I'm just looking at my options," I answered, putting my wine glass down. "I've started applying for a software company in Manchester."
Keyword: started. I made an account to start the process but I've since abandoned it once I found out about DecodeREM. There was something about that company that intrigued me. I'd rather work on dreams than support corporate businesses in taking over the world. Clara continued to look at me with her hazel eyes. It was like she was looking into my soul, seeing that I was lying. She's upset—I can tell. She told me about her job search and here I was, keeping mine a secret from her.
"The west coast is a tech hub. There are tons of jobs in California and Washington. Would you be willing to move?" her dad asked.
"If the right opportunity comes," I answered truthfully. In the corner of my eye, I could see Clara playing with her food. "Have you been to California or Washington before?"
"I've yet to go to Washington but we did live in California for a few years. It's a great place to live but it's very expensive."
My heart fell because I was hoping he had spent some time living in Washington. If they previously lived there, maybe Clara wouldn't be too opposed to moving there with me if all goes well with my visa.
"Since we're on the topic of moving, my manager told me we'll get our next location in a few months." Her dad said it so casually like it was nothing picking up what you have and moving to another country. He's done it for so long that he's used to it. Clara continued playing with her food, quiet.
"Any clue as to where it'll be?" Mrs. Jones asked. "In the past, they gave general locations." Her husband shook his head.
"Not yet but I think we'll know a few weeks before they announce the next location."
Her parents went back and forth asking each other questions and I suddenly understood the pain that Clara goes through every year. There's no doubt she's gotten used to living here. She has a job, her driver's license, and me. A job is easily replaceable. I don't doubt she'll have trouble finding another job based on what I've seen when I tested her. And she's learned how to drive a manual transmission and on the opposite side of the road so she has her bases covered in the next place. The only uncertainty was us.
The both of us knew what would happen eventually and if it wasn't for some coaxing from me, I don't think she'd be my girlfriend in the first place. I'm an optimist always thinking there's a way to make things work. She's more cautious and less forthcoming because she's been hurt many times before so she has learnt to adapt. If you're closed off, the pain is less. That's why she didn't want to leave the house when she initially came here and that's why she warned me not to be her friend. Now she's probably regretting everything. But surely she doesn't regret knowing me?
I looked at Clara, concerned she wasn't saying anything and her parents didn't think to ask how she felt. Clara paid me no attention so I gently placed my hand on her thigh which caused her to look up. She looked like she was on the verge of crying but no tears fell so I leant in to whisper in her ear.
"We'll figure it out, don't worry," I whispered. I kissed her cheek before pulling away.
Will we figure it out? What's my solution? Dragging her to Seattle with me? As if that's any better. The both of us have to keep an open mind. We don't know where her parents are moving and I don't know if my visa will go through. But we do have to talk about what we both want and what we're willing to sacrifice. I'm limited in where I can go because of my degree. If I decide to not pursue a job using my degree, the last three years of school would be for nothing.
I wanted to talk to her in private to ease her nerves but we can't just leave when we're in the middle of dinner. I've not even touched my plate so I cut myself a piece of chicken and put it in my mouth. Her parents' conversation was coming to an end and her mum realized how rude she was being.
"Why don't we talk about this tonight? We have a guest in the house," her mum said. Mr. Jones immediately stopped, realizing his wife was correct.
"Sorry about that, Van. Are you excited to graduate?" I drank some wine to help swallow the chicken.
"Of course. I look forward to taking my last exam and having no more homework," I answered, smiling slightly.
I was tired of doing homework all the time, revising for my exams, and stressing over my grades, praying that I graduate. When I'm done for good, I want nothing more than to burn my textbooks in a bonfire but I should sell them to get my money back.
"Out of curiosity, what's the system like in the UK for paying back student loans?" her dad asked.
"They're not really loans but a form of 'Graduate Tax' with a cap on the total amount to be paid. You don't pay unless you make a certain amount and repayments are taken out of your salary at the same time as tax and National Insurance by your employer. After 30 years, your debt is written off," I explained. Mr. Jones seemed pleasantly surprised.
"The system in the UK sounds much better than the US. In the US, there's no cap on how much you can borrow and no monthly repayment caps. I'm sure you've heard all about the student loan crisis in America," he said, chuckling. To be honest, I wasn't sure if I should be laughing along with him so I just nodded my head and continued eating.
The rest of dinner was uneventful. Why I spent so much time refusing to dine with her parents, I've no idea but it wasn't as bad as I thought and I should've done it much sooner. They seem to like me but I'm not sure if they're just being polite. And I was glad they didn't put me on the spot and ask what I was going to do if they moved.
It wasn't until Clara and I were left alone to wash the dishes that we finally had a moment to talk without being under her parents' watchful eyes. It was difficult to persuade her mum to let me help with the dishes but I somehow managed to weasel my way in, though she wasn't pleased to say the least. I thought Clara would speak up once it was just the two of us. She was doing the scrubbing while I did the rinsing but she stayed quiet. There's nothing more unnerving than Clara being quiet.
"I was really hesitant about dinner but I'm glad you pushed me to go. Your parents are dead sweet," I started. She handed me a plate to rinse and moved onto the next plate. I waited for her to say something but it was clear she wasn't going to talk. "You're upset at me, aren't ya?"
She can't possibly be upset at her parents because this happens every year. She was quiet even before her dad announced the news. It was definitely me and how I didn't tell her I was applying to jobs. But I can't figure out why she'd be so upset about it.
"Is it because I didn't tell you I was applying for jobs?" I hazarded.
"All I want is honesty from you. I know you're graduating soon and that you'll start looking for jobs but I was hoping we'd talk about it first, ya know?" she finally said. "Is it selfish of me to want to talk about it so we can find something that works for the both of us? Our relationship is complicated. My parents are moving all the time but you applying to jobs without talking to me feels like you're forcing my hand."
"Clara, you've known me long enough to know I'm not like that. Ideally, I'd like to have a job right after I graduate. Looking for a job takes time. What do you want me to do? Wait? Your dad said he won't know for a few months!" I said, exasperated.
I literally don't know what she wants me to do. I'm not gonna sit on my arse, wait for her dad's company to announce the next location, and apply for jobs there. What about what I want?
"What happens if you get a job in say, London? And my parents move out of the UK? What will we do then? Obviously, you're not gonna leave a job you just started. It's forcing me to decide between you and my parents. Can't you just wait a few months for the location to be announced and then we'll decide together?"
"I'm barely getting by, Clara. I need to find work. Most of my money is spent on rent. I can't wait that long." She stayed silent so I continued. "You don't have to always follow your family. Your dad said if you ever found a place that felt like home, you could stay."
"But I'll be all alone. No friends, no family...."
"You have me. I'll take care of you. We can find a place, move in together, and see how it goes." Clara stopped washing the fork as if she was considering my words but then she continued washing.
"Are you applying to jobs in the US?" Her question was straight to the point. It's no doubt she heard me when I said "if the right opportunity comes."
"Applying for jobs in the US increases my work opportunities," I answered sheepishly. I was caught red-handed but knew if I lied, she'd be even more angry.
"See? That's what I'm talking about!"
"There are more tech companies in the US! You've got Google, Microsoft, Amazon, and so on. Not that I think I'll get in but we don't have companies like that in the UK."
"So there's a possibility that you're moving and my parents are moving. Great!" She handed me the knife she cleaned, almost poking my hand with it. Earlier, she was upset but now she's angry.
"Nothing's for sure yet. I'm looking at all my options and picking the best one. I'm not gonna decide without talking to you first."
"Don't bother. You don't even care what I think." Her words stung and her voice cracked. It was clear she was almost on the verge of tears.
"That's not true. I care about you a lot," I said, drying my hands on the tea towel. Clara looked away not wanting me to see her cry. "I really want to make this work. It's clear we still have a lot to talk about." She sniffed and used the back of her hand to wipe her tears.
"You should go home," she said calmly.
"What?" I asked, not sure I heard her correctly.
"You should go home."
"Babe, I'm sorry. We can talk about it some more."
"I'm done talking for today. I need time alone to process this."
At that point, I knew I had to leave it. Me trying to fight her would agitate her even more and it worried me that this was the first of many arguments we'd have. The both of us stood our ground not wanting to budge. She's right. We need time alone to process this. And what I wanted to do was try to see things from her perspective, and my hope was that she'd do the same with me. I thanked her for having me over and wished her a good night. I wanted to kiss her but didn't dare to out of fear.