REM // Van McCann

53. You're Out of Your Goddamn Mind

It's not often that I wake up dreading to go to work but today was one of those days. All I could think about was what I was going to dream about. Am I gonna see her dead body now? I'm not sure I can stomach it. Her lifeless body on the beach still haunts me. Same with the seagulls trying to pick at her body. Have they managed to eat her flesh? There's no telling how long it took for her body to be found.

And then there was the thought of visiting Portugal and finding the cliff she jumped off of. My journal was in my bag packed from the night before. Roman never got back to me about when he had time to look at my sketches but I brought my journal just in case. I've even started looking at flights to Portugal in anticipation of going there. There are no direct flights to Lagos. I'll have to fly into Lisbon and take the bus or train down to Lagos.

Everything was happening at once and I felt overwhelmed. I wasn't sleeping well and I wasn't eating well. All I wanted was some answers. Why was I having these dreams? Perhaps Clara is trying to tell me something. I was never really a spiritual person in the first place but the fact that there was some truth to the dreams worried me. Even if it was all true, the least I could do was pay my respects to her. I'm not sure if she's buried there. Her parents must've taken her with them but she did leave a small part of her behind in Lagos.

She never told me where she lived. All I know is that she was by the water. Now that I have more information, I'll have to reread her letters to see if new details stand out. She has sent me photos in the past that could help, though I didn't think much of it back then. I'll look like a madman looking for a house and a family that no longer lives there but I don't care. All I want is closure.

Florence arrived on time as usual. When we greeted each other, there was something that wasn't there before. It was clear we were both nervous. When she first demanded that we take turns, she didn't think my dreams would go down this path. She was simply curious about Clara and didn't think she'd unearth things I've tried so hard to keep buried. But the same goes for her. When she challenged me to go under her dreams to find out her reason for doing so, she thought she was in control of her dreams but it's clear her dreams still control her. It was obvious she didn't plan to dream about me which gave me some insight on how she truly felt about me. The answer wasn't clear but she tolerates me.

The last thing I wanted was to go under stoned but it felt like I had no choice. Although I was calm and collected on the outside, inside, I was riddled with anxiety about what I'd dream about. THC, the psychoactive chemical of marijuana, typically acts as a sedative but it's a major buzzkill for dreams. It suppresses REM (rapid eye movement) sleep which is the stage where most dreams occur. For a fleeting moment, I thought about getting stoned before today's session but going under when stoned was something we never really studied. I'd rather not find out what happens when going under with Florence.

"I'm gonna head out for a smoke real quick. It'll only be ten minutes," I told her before I could change my mind.

I walked over to my desk for my cigarettes and lighter. My behavior was really odd and I wondered if she could sense it. In the grand scheme of things, ten minutes isn't a long time but normally, I'd be professional and smoke before sessions or wait until we're done. Florence watched me as I headed for the door and spoke up.

"I'll come with you," she said which caused me to pause as I wasn't expecting her to follow along.

"Erm...sure."

Florence doesn't seem like the type to smoke but maybe she's an occasional smoker. It's like she knew I was up to something and wanted to know what I was up to. Well there goes my plan to get stoned. If I smoke a spliff, she'll definitely smell it and know, though she'd probably smell it on me anyway if she didn't join me. We both got in the lift together and as soon as we stepped out of the building, I was already getting a cigarette out.