[Jimin]
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I patiently waited for the end of the reception: the final act of throwing of the bouquet. When the announcement was made for all the single ladies to step forward. I looked on as all the pretty girls flocked closer to Sean. Hmm... I wondered if I should go too but I kept myself in Jungkook's arms as we stood to the back of the girlie crowd. I felt Jungkook rubbing my shoulders and he kissed my neck and my cheek. Emilio's words kept coming back to me, 'It is possible to live a good life and to love and treat your significant other with love and trust'. I know my choice to stay as a man might hurt Jungkook but I know I needed to know and love myself too.
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Making decisions with your partner should be about things like where to live or what kind of colours to paint the bedroom. Not to choose whether you want to be a husband or a wife. This was not a normal situation that couples would face. Jungkook made it clear to me that he thought of me being unique and special but my mother's words of being a freak of nature kept rearing its ugly head. A freak. That's what I thought I was, until I met Sean, Emilio and even Anna. They were all special and unique and chose to love themselves despite what the public may consider is normal.
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Can I truly love myself? I was thinking these things when I heard the count of three. And on the final count, Sean threw her bouquet so far from the crowd that I opened up my eyes wider. SHIT!!! The fucking thing was coming... right... at... ME!!!! Then I felt a gentle push. Jungkook!!! YOU BRAT!!! I was about to turn to him to scold him but then he and everyone shouted:
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"CATCH IT!!!"
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So I turned around and did just that. I caught the fucking bridal bouquet. The shock of it in my hands only made me snicker though for as I looked at Sean she was pleased as punch. And so was my baby. I turned at him and he took a picture of me.
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"Beautiful. I totally agree with this tradition," he said.
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I rolled my eyes, "You mean the one that says the person who catches the bridal bouquet would be the next to get married?"
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And he nodded his head, "Yes of course. And as I recall, you did say 'Yes' to me."
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As it came out of his mouth I heard a gasp. Hannah and Al had reached up to us and heard Jungkook's outburst concerning his proposal. "Master Jungkook, you proposed?" and when Jungkook nodded and confirmed my positive answer, Hannah jumped up and screamed, "OMG! Congratulations guys! We should celebrate!" Conveniently a waiter passed right by us and gave us four flutes of champagne.
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"Compliments of the bride and groom," the server told us and we lifted our glasses to Charlie and Sean. They too saluted us and we all took a sip of the sweet bubbly.
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I told Al and Hannah about our arrangement to talk with the couple and they told us they would hang around and wait until our meeting was over. When Sean decided to go up to her apartment, another attendant came to us with her message: 'Sweet J&J, I will send an attendant to let you know when I'm ready. They will escort you to my room. S'. We didn't have to wait long but while we did, we danced some more and ate dessert of cheesecake and fruit. Jungkook loved cheesecake. Finally the attendant came to us and we excused ourselves to go. I held Jungkook's hand throughout. When we arrived in the room, Sean was dressed in a red 'Jessica Rabbit' outfit that clung to every single curve in her body. Her boobs again full on display. She looked ravishing.
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When Sean saw our gazes she laughed, "Charles and I like to role play so we decided to pick each other's fantasy characters. Mine is 'John Wick' and Charles is 'Jessica Rabbit'. Sexy huh?"
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Jungkook nodded and I toyed with him a bit, "Let me just wipe the drool off of my boyfriend here," and I giggled as I took my finger to fake wipe the corner of Jungkook's lips. We all laughed and then Sean told us to sit.
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"So tell me Jimin. What do you need to know?"
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I swallowed because she went straight to business and I appreciated that, "Well, Jungkook fell in love with me before we even met," I explained how, "After a few months it was clear our friendship was wonderful but we didn't know that we were both secretly attracted to each other. Neither of us were with guys or girls before. It was the first for us both." I went on to remind her about my parents' decision to keep me as both species and that I decided to remain a male to not be reminded of my mother. Sean stopped me there and responded,
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"First let me say that your parents unfortunately took the 'easy' way out. Which I found strange. You guys had the money to do the surgery at birth but didn't. There are so many hermaphrodites who remain like this because they can't afford the surgeries. When Charles met me he became determined to become the doctor who would help not only me but others like me. You deciding to be a man because of your hatred for your mother, only made it worse. It means that you totally gave up that side of you that you loved. The part of you that wanted to wear the dresses, make-up and just be a girl. Now wanting to wear girly stuff is one thing but a child deciding to change their sex at that age is a totally different scenario. I've noticed parents of our age allowing their kids to make decisions like that on their own. I think its bullshit. Children can't make life changes just like that, their minds change all the time. When Tabby was one she liked oatmeal, at two she only wanted cereal but now she wants toast, eggs and bacon for breakfast. Children change their minds about their likes and wants very frequently. We as parents can't allow our children to do something as drastic like change their sex at a young age. Children need guidance and we parents are there to help them through their confused and rough times. I think your parents should've decided that at your birth and make the choice to let you live as one sex. Especially as your mom wanted a girl. They should've let you keep only your female parts. But it happened already and we can't change time but we can learn from it."
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I nodded, "I've thought about it so much recently because I literally tried to suppress those memories away. Now they've come flooding back causing trouble," Then I told Sean about Jungkook's dreams and drawings and even my dream with Jane and my mother. And I told her about me wanting to continue to be a man while Jungkook wants me to be a woman. Sean's eyes widened.
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"Wow! Jungkook you and Jimin are connected somehow. You're aura is strong and being the tougher male type of the two, your power is the connection you have. You've bonded in a way that is very rare. This is what I think, Jimin. Jungkook's visions are coming from a source that is beyond. Someone has probably been trying to reach you but couldn't. So when you finally found your mate, they are now using Jungkook as the way to get to you."
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Jungkook looked at her and asked, "You mean, Lily, Jimin's mother has been trying to reach Jimin through me?"
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Sean looked at us, "Lily, Jon and Jane. They are all connected. They are in another realm and they are trying to help Jimin come to terms with how he wants to live his life. Jimin did you ever dream that clearly of Jane or Lily before Jungkook came along?"
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I thought about it, "Not that I can recall. No," and I looked at Jungkook. Could he be connected?
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"Yet before you guys became a couple, Jungkook dreamed the four of you together. They are trying to reach out to you Jimin. Your mother, is living in her own hell. From what you described about your dream, seeing her in pain, she wants to be free and with Jane. Your hatred for what she did to you, is probably what's keeping her there. That's your first hurdle. Are you ready to forgive her?"
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Sean didn't wait for an answer but continued, "Your next hurdle would be, 'Would you change or remain as you are?' Change is always difficult. Always. Sometimes it's easier to just leave things as they are. But from my own experiences with it and hearing stories like from Emilio and many others, it's wonderful when the changes work out. I've heard the success and the failure stories. The successful ones continue living in love while those who failed are sometimes stuck in between, like your mother. There's no way out except for someone to help them out. You need Jungkook but you also need to know who you really are before you figure out who you want to be."
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I looked at her and wondered if I would look as beautiful as her if I were to change and become a woman. Jungkook would really love that too. And I also liked the idea of having a vagina. The feelings I've been experiencing in my vulva area were so satisfying but then, sex isn't the only factor involved.
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Sean looked at Jungkook and began to talk with him, "J... Can I call you, 'J'? Jimin needs your support and you need to be prepared, darling. Prepare yourself to live with the choice he will make. Whether he changes or remains as he is. You also need to know that with change comes reflection. Jimin will go through a lot of times when he would regret, doubt and wonder if he made the right decision. Jimin's choice should be... what he wants and not what you want. Understand that it is important to have the support of your significant other but you don't want Jimin to regret or blame you for the changes he will go through."
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Sean paused and then confessed, "Charles wanted me to remain a man. He was okay with us being gay and adopting. Even though he wanted to help me, he didn't want me going through the surgeries and the numerous medication. He has seen many disastrous failures. But I made the decision to change..." and she looked at me and pointed to herself, "...For me. I changed because I wanted to change. Charles was worried, panicky and almost broke up with me because he couldn't bear to see me suffer. Eventually things worked out and I became one of the success stories. We created Tabby, naturally and now we're expecting a little boy. I'm so thankful and proud that I did do the right thing, for me and for us."
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We stayed and chatted some more, talking about simpler things like her being a mom and Tabby's baby days. While we were busy laughing and enjoying each other's company, I saw a gun by the corner of the wall.
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"OMG!!!" I was about to scream when Charlie made his way towards us. He was dressed as Sean's fantasy character, 'John Wick'. He even had his hair and scars on his face.
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"Whoever Comes, Whoever It Is...? I'll Kill Them. I'll Kill Them All!" Charlie said in his character's husky voice as he sauntered his way towards us.
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Jungkook laughed as I wrapped myself in his arms breathing a sigh of relief. Sean was totally mesmerized, "Oooooh baby," in her sexy Jessica voice, "You don't know how hard it is being a woman looking the way I do."
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Then Charlie aka John replied, "You don't know how hard it is being a man looking at a woman looking the way you do."
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Sean aka Jessica completed the line, "I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way," and John held Jessica and kissed her full red lips.
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I got up and clapped them, "Encore. Brava!"
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Jungkook and I thanked them both for allowing us the time and the advice that was given. They also told me that when I made my decision to let them know, especially if I was going to become a woman. They would recommend the hospital and doctors that Sean went too. We both thanked them again and then we were on our way leaving the two newlyweds alone in their assassin/Disney fantasy. We went back into the reception area and found there were still a lot of people there including our two wonderful and horny friends. Hannah was sitting and rubbing her hips on top of Al's lap and was feeding him some cake. I giggled as she smeared the frosting over his nose and lips and began to lick it off of him.
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"Hmmm... I think those two need a room right now," I said, but I didn't see Jungkook's face when I said it.
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"I think we'll be finding our own room soon too," and he copied Hannah as I felt his finger, which was also dipped in frosting, sliding across my neck. I shivered in delight when his tongue followed and he began to lick and suck it off of me.
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"Oh Fuck! Jungkook..." and I had to grab onto him otherwise I would've fallen to the ground in pure pleasure. Immediately my dick began to twitch and when Jungkook squeezed my ass in his hand, I shouted, "Time to go and don't forget the cake."
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We all made it back to Hannah's apartment and in our own rooms. Needless to say, we all had fun with the huge slices of cake, jellies and snacks that were given to us at the reception. I pity the person washing the sheets of our bed. It was covered in sweetness and semen. Later that night, Jungkook and I decided it was time to leave Austin and head back to our home. Al stayed back with Hannah and said he would see me on Monday for work. Jungkook had one more day from his week off and we wanted to spend that time together and we did.
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It was like a breath of fresh familiar air going back home. I never felt so relaxed and satisfied. On our way from the airport to our apartment I fell asleep with my head on Jungkook's lap. I belonged here. Everything about us felt like home. But why couldn't I stop thinking about Sean's words, '...You need Jungkook but you also need to know who you really are before you figure out who you want to be.' More and more I was getting the feeling for me to leave and finding myself. Originally when I left for Florida that was what I was aiming to achieve: Finding myself. But would that mean leaving Jungkook? Would he wait for me? Deep down in my heart I know he would but my mind kept asking, 'For how long and at what cost?' Cost in this sense wasn't money but the cost of losing the love of the person I love. Sean said Charlie almost broke up with her going against his wishes and doing the change for her. But I'm sure Charlie doesn't regret it now. They have Tabby and another baby soon.
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The week after Austin, everything went back to normal. Jungkook went back to work and was praised for the effort he put out for his project. The assignment was to build a recreational park in a community where there were many families and a children's home nearby. Jungkook and four other co-workers had to design their own versions of what the play area would look like. That was technically a piece of cake for Jungkook as he helped his father build their own fortresses over the years. He called me when the presentations were over.
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"They really liked it, Jimin. Everyone else's designs were great but normal as in there were slides, swings and monkey bars but when they saw my mazes, train and the castles they were completely in awe."
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"That's great, hun. I'm so proud of you. So when are you coming home? I can't wait to congratulate you properly," I giggled.
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"Fuck... that sounds delicious. The other guys want to get some drinks first. I'll be home right after."
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"Sure baby. I'll be waiting..." and I sent him a picture of me licking whipping cream off of my finger.
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"Oh fuck drinks... I'm coming baby," he gasped and I heard him swallowing.
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I laughed, "My love. Go have your drinks and your dessert will be waiting for you when you come. And you will 'come'."
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"I can't wait," he growled
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Drinks were served and my beast of a man came home growling with the faint taste of alcohol on his breath. Jungkook didn't drink much especially if he had to drive but he bought a bottle of champagne for us to really celebrate. Have you ever wondered how whipped cream, strawberries, chocolate and a bit of the bubbly taste altogether? Add a bit of sultry dancing, licking, sucking and of course fucking? Well I'll tell you from experience, it's fucking erotic and divine all rolled into one.
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We had our great days and our normal too-tired-to-fuck days as we were both swamped with work. Weekends we would relax by our parent's homes. We took turns visiting them so they wouldn't feel like we forgot them. Then one day while we were at the Jeon's home, Jungkook and his dad were going through his designs on his project and I decided to talk with Suki.
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"I need to find out what I really want to do with my life but I'm afraid that by doing that, Jungkook might be hurt in the process. How can I do this without hurting him?"
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She sighed, "That's a really tough one, Jimin," and she gave it some thought before she spoke, "I think if you have to do something that even though the process would be painful at the beginning but the end result would be what's best for you and for the relationship you have with my brother, I think you will need to explain that to him fully. Let him know that you're doing it mainly for the both of you and let him know that no matter what happens, the love you have for each other will never change." She sighed again, "Oh Jimin, this is going to be so hard for him and for you too but I want you to know that you have the love, support and prayers of this family here. We will be there for you both, especially Jungkook."
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Suki's words comforted me and I went home feeling a little bit more determined to do what I was planning to do. Oh boy. I prayed Jungkook would understand. The week of his graduation was the same week as the premiere of my movie. The critics were very harsh and even though my Romantic/Science Fiction 2 hour film was filled with great computer effects, with a touch of mystery and romance, it got a not-so-good ratings. Critics compared me to my father's previous work saying they thought it would've been as good as or even better than his. Despite that, I was proud of my work and even if their rankings of my film was lower than average, I was more concerned with the praises from my boyfriend and father. They too thought it was great and that made me feel even prouder.
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However, I was determined to do better so when I told my dad about my idea to do a documentary about people who were intersexed, he was thrilled, "That would be an Oscar winning film, if done in good taste for the persons involved. Not only would it make the world aware of the pains and joys of their lives, I have no doubt the critics would be in awe of you as I am now."
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So I decided: I was going to do the documentary. I also had an idea to do an animated action/romance film inspired by Charlie and Sean's character fantasies. So one lazy Sunday evening after eating dinner, we were sitting on the sofa quietly reading and I decided to pitch my movie idea to Jungkook.
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"Hey baby, can you help me with something?"
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"For you, anything," he whispered on my neck and I giggled. Jungkook was ready for a different kind of action but I had to put a plug into that, for now.
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"Hmm... that sounds yummy but I want help with an idea I have for a movie," I sat up and he nodded.
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"Okay. What do you want help with?"
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I got up and brought for him some sheets of paper and a pencil, "Can you draw for me some characters. Okay so I was thinking of doing an animated film that has action as well as romance. All the characters would be animals. Our male character would be like a police officer by day and a vigilante by night. He would be strong and sexy. Kinda like you. And the female would be a nurse who's petite, kind and sweet. Kinda like me."
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Jungkook grinned, "That I can do," and he began to sketch. He made the human aspects of the characters in terms of their built. The male with strong arms, hard chest and muscles everywhere. OMG it was so sexy. Then he asked, "What about the female? I think she should be curvy and sexy." And he began to draw her body. When he was finished he sighed, "I think they kinda look like Charlie and Sean. Don't you?"
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I laughed, "Well I guess they could be them and the both of us combined but I want them to be animals too. That genre of filming is really popular. Both children and adults really like them. So could we make the female, into a bunny and the male into a dog, maybe?"
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But Jungkook had another idea, "How about we make the guy a bunny and the girl a chick?" And he began to draw the animalistic parts into them.
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"A CHICK? Why?" I pouted. "A chick is a baby chicken. Not a grown adult. Still a baby."
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"Cause the slang 'chick' is a way to refer to a sexy girl plus I like the idea of being a muscle bunny," and he continued to draw his ideas. "Plus both animals are associated with Easter. It would be a great Easter movie." I must admit, his ideas were great and his drawings made the characters look so hott together. "So let's name the bunny 'Kookie' and the chick 'Mochi'. Both foods and both adorable."
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"Hmm... 'Officer Kookie' and 'Nurse Mochi'. I actually like it. Sounds feasible."
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"Sounds delicious, just like you," he whispered and he surprised me by pulling me into his face and kissing my lips.
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I almost forgot about the project, but when he finally released me I had to swallow and continue, "Whooo... that was moreish," and he grinned at me.
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I continued my plot for the story, "So we have a muscle bunny Officer Kookie who would be the good guy fighting crime etc. during the day but at night, he would disguise himself and get the bad guys who got away. All the cases that were corrupted by lawyers and politicians with the crime doers getting away with their crimes would be dealt with on a harsher note later on by Muscle Bunny. However he meets sweet and sexy Nurse Mochi who was going home late after doing a 24 hour shift. She was too tired to notice the sly fox watching her. The fox pushes her into an alley and robs her of her bag. As he pulls the bag from her, part of her blouse rips and he gets the idea to do more to her. But Muscle Kookie comes to her rescue. He beats up the fox and ties him up for the police to get him in the morning. Kookie is expecting a thank you from Mochi but he gets a scolding instead. She claims she had the situation under control and could defend herself quite easily. They both kinda battle with words and body language."
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"Wow. That sounds so good. I want to hear more. What happens next?" Jungkook sounded excited so I continued.
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"Well the fox is the son of a famous mobster who has made it his priority to find the masked vigilante and make him pay for embarrassing his son and their family."
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"Hmm... sounds like the fox should be called, 'Tae Fox'. I'm just saying," and I tapped his shoulder as he chuckled.
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I rolled my eyes and continued, "Anyway, Mochi needs protection because the fox's men are out to get the persons involved in the mobster's son being incarcerated. Kookie volunteers to look after her but she objects. Mochi observes both of Kookie's personas as she interacts with them both on different occasions and she gets the same 'frustrated' feeling about Muscle Bunny and Kookie. So she figures out that they are one and the same. Her feelings for him gradually begin to change and Kookie notices. He realises that she smiles and blushes in his presence and laughs at his corny jokes."
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"Hey, my jokes aren't corny," Jungkook objected and I giggled.
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"Yes they are and I love them," then I kissed his pouty mouth and he relaxed.
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"Well if they are corny at least they're still firm and sweet on the cob and not mushed into a corn paste," he added with a grin.
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"Oh Lord," I rolled my eyes and giggled. "Corny..."
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"So will you be producing this one too?" He asked as he drew Kookie and Mochi hugging and kissing each other.
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"Ahmmm... actually no. All I'm doing is putting in my pitch for the movie." I wanted to tell him everything about me taking on the 'job' for the documentary but I was literally scared about what he would say or do. I said a silent prayer and mustered the courage, "I'm actually going to be producing and directing another film. A documentary actually." And I looked at him. He was still drawing and smiling.
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"Really? A documentary on what?"
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Hmm... When I thought he wasn't paying attention, he just proved me wrong. "It's about people like me: Hermaphrodite and Intersex people. It will be about their stories, how they live and the impact they make in society."
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"Wow. That would be a great film. Maybe you could get Charlie and Sean on board," he added. Jungkook really had great ideas.
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"Well, they already are," I added and waited for his response.
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"Wow! Really? What about Emilio?"
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I continued to explain to him hoping he'd understand what I needed to tell him and what I was about to do to him, "Emilio wants to but he doesn't want to bring his daughter into any public forum. He's afraid that Lance will come for Khathy. So if he's doing it, he will remain anonymous again. I can't blame him for that though. The thought of him losing his daughter is worse than death itself." I paused because this was my moment to say it, "I understand him fully because the thought of losing the one you love, is better than giving them false hope and leading them on to something that would hurt them later."
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I cleared my throat. I was shaking and I could feel my pulse rapidly beating inside of my neck. Jungkook finally looked away from the paper and focused on me. He spoke slowly and he sounded so confused, "Losing and hurting the one you love... false hope? Where is all of this coming from? Is something wrong, Jiminnie?" He paused and looked at me seriously, "Do you need to tell me something?"
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I held my breath. I promised myself that I wasn't going to cry but I feel that there were a few more promises that were about to be broken, "Yes, Jungkook. I need to tell you something," I looked at him and I could see his thoughts swirling in his mind.
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He put down everything in his hands and turned to hold mine, giving me all of his attention, "This is serious, isn't it?"
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I nodded and took a deep breath, "I'm leaving and this time you really can't come, Jungkookie. I need to do this. I need to do this research not just for the film but for me too. I need to be comfortable with the choices that I make and live with them. I can't do this with you Jungkook." I really wanted to cry but I held it in.
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"Oh fuck Jiminshi, we're back at this again. Why can't we do this together?" I could see the confusion and frustration on his face and I felt his hands getting tighter and sweatier at the same time.
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"Because this is something I need to do. It's my body, Jungkookie. It's really my choice." My heart was dying inside so I said it as I had to courage to, "I think... I think we should break up."
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Eerie pause... Deathly silence...
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"What?" Was his quiet and really confused word. Jungkook's face was in total shock.
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I heard my voice but I couldn't believe I was actually saying it, "I think it's the best thing to do, for the both of us. I need to know who I am and I can't have you waiting for me. I want you to live a happy life but when I leave, I know you'll be sad all the time. I think it's..." but I couldn't finish because Jungkook released his thoughts like daggers at me.
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"Well I think that idea, is bullshit. That's what I think. Why do we have to be apart? Okay, I know I won't be able to travel with you everywhere you go but we could call each other, video chat and I could come visit you when I have free time... Breaking up??? What the fuck Jimin? That doesn't make any sense at all."
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Jungkook pulled away his hands, got up and started pacing the floor. I didn't know what to do so I tried to explain it to him some more, "Jungkook, I don't know how long it will take me. I could be gone for months, for years. I don't know..."
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"THEN I'LL WAIT!!!"
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"No! I can't ask you to do that. Supposing you wait years for me and after to find out the surgery was a failure. Then it would all be for nothing. Supposing you don't like my decision. Supposing I fall ill or die. You would've wasted all that time when you could've moved on with your life."
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"STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!!! You're not making any sense, Jimin. You're making assumptions about what will happen and you have no guarantee that all those things would be the outcome of your journey. You're only thinking about the negative and not the positive. What about the surgery being a success and that I would love you no matter what you look like? What about the fact that I would wait for you till the end of time, that I would still love you even if your choice isn't what I want because you would be happy, Jimin?"
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"Please try to understand, Jungkook," I was trying to explain my reasons but Jungkook wasn't having any of it.
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"No you try to understand. Look at all we went through together. Do you think I'll just up and forget about everything? Forget how much I love you? We grew stronger because of the pains and trials of our relationship and we did that together. Breaking up because of this. No! NO!"
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"Jungkook I love you and I can't bear to know you'll be going through this alone. I won't be here to hug you or comfort you. Maybe its best if we cut ties now so we won't end up hurting each other." I was hearing myself but not believing a word I was saying but I had to do this.
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"Then don't go. Do your research online and stay as you are. I don't want you to change anymore if it means us breaking up. I can't live without you, Jimin-ah."
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"You know I can't do that," I sighed.
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He paused and looked at me. I could see the confusion and hurt illuminating from him. Then he said softly, "All I want is your happiness. That's really all I want: You to be happy with yourself, with your life and with.... me... But... It's not about what I want and it seems..." Then he bent his head and plumped down on the floor.
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"What Jungkook?"
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Jungkook looked up at me and as his tears fell, his gravelly voice rocked my heart, "It seems you don't want me to be in that part of your life. Your happiness... it seems you can't get that with... me..."
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My heart was breaking. I bent down towards him and caressed his cheeks, "Oh Jungkook, if you can say that, then you have no idea how much I love you. You have made me love being alive and truly appreciating myself and loving everything around me, including you. There's no one in this entire universe who has made me feel the way you have. You gave me life, Jungkookie. I've finally found a purpose and meaning for what I really want and that's your happiness."
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"Okay so now I'm more confused," He said as he wiped away his tears, "You say I'm the reason why you found purpose in your life but you're breaking up with me so I could be happy? How the fuck am I supposed to be happy without you, Jimin?"
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I tried to talk again but he interjected, "NO! NO! NO! You listen. Jimin... I understand that the journey ahead for you is probably the toughest thing you'll ever have to do in your entire life. I don't agree with you doing it alone but I can respect your decision. However you breaking up with me because you think... What: I'm going to be bored without you? And that what: I'm going to be missing the opportunity to be with someone else and move on with my life?" He stood up and took me by my arms so I was standing facing him. "I want you. I need you, Park Jimin. Nobody else. No one can make me feel anything for them the way I feel about you." Then he looked deeply at my face. He was searching and I knew he found it: my pains, my anguish. They were driving us apart. After what happened in Florida, I knew this was the only way.
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I kept asking him to try to understand but he kept shaking his head. Finally he released me and backed away. He turned to look outside the window. The night was cold, dark, dismal and I felt a shiver from just looking at his back as he took in the scenery outside. It was the first time he was ever so silent around me. Even when he was asleep in my arms, his snores would give me comfort and help me fall asleep. My doubts came back. What the hell was I thinking? How could I really live without him? I was doing this for me yes but Jungkook is a part of me. I made the few steps to come behind him when he turned around. I froze as I saw the face of defeat in his eyes.
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OH GOD! THIS WAS IT!
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His voice was eerie soft and I felt my tears falling, "Jimin... I understand that it's not about what I want but what's best for you. I thought I could be there for you, just like a companion would be for the one he loves. But it seems as though no matter what I do, the outcome is always the same: You leaving. I can't stop you but I will not guarantee that I will move on without you. So even if you go, a very large piece of you will always be with me." Then he came up to me and hugged me in a gentle sort of hug. It felt like when my dad hugged me at my mom's funeral: Defeated and overthrown with grief. Finally he took my face into his hands and looking into my eyes, he kissed me long, sweetly and gently. When he pulled his lips away from me, he whispered with a voice I knew wasn't his own, "I truly love you, Jimin. So I will do what you want of me. I will let you go and I will... I will stay away... from you."
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"Jungkookie," my voice was soft and heartbroken.
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Then looking deep into my eyes again, he began to wipe my tears and he whispered, "Goodbye, my love." And with that, Jeon Jungkook walked out of my life taking my heart with him.
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