[Jungkook]
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How do you tell the person you love that you want them to change? How can I ask him to make that kind of sacrifice in his life? Jimin is successful, brilliant, an excellent lover and a wonderful human being. I saw how he looked at the little girl and I knew exactly what he saw: Jimin saw himself. Not the blindness of the child, but the colour of her eyes and the kindness in her heart. In the space of seconds Anna saw the real him that no one, not even I saw and I knew Jimin years before he trusted me and told me the truth about himself.
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I turned to look at him and held his hands, "Jimin, I love you very much and it would be unfair of me to ask you to change yourself for me. I can't think about all the stresses you'll have: all the surgeries you'll have to go under, the change of your medication and the fact that everyone will probably think that you're doing it to get attention. But... I want to have children with you. I want your egg and my sperm to create our very own little Jimins and Jungkooks. But there's something that since I found out about you, I can't seem to get out of my mind." I paused, "The: 'What ifs'?"
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"What ifs?" He asked.
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"Yes. I keep asking myself, 'What if everything is successful and you can make and carry a baby. Our baby inside of you? What if we could enjoy each other as man and woman even more than just males?' But I also think of the, 'What if something goes wrong? What if you change for the worse and worse case scenario, I lose you. I can't bear to be parted from you, physically, mentally, emotionally not any way or anyhow. So even though I'm asking you to change, I want you to know that I will be with you through it all. Good or bad. I could only pray that whatever we learn from Charlie and Sean tomorrow that it will help us to be closer and love each other even more."
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He reached out and grabbed me into his arms. He must've known that it was hard for me to say what I just told him and I felt his love glowing inside of him loving me even more, "Thank you for telling me how you really feel. I love you Jungkookie."
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"I love you too, Jiminshi," and we hugged and kissed.
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I looked at him and the light from the sun shone on his face and right there I saw what Anna saw, "Jimin," I gasped, "I can see it..."
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"See what?" He asked looking up at me. Then he realised, "You mean... the blueness?"
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"Yes..." and I turned him to come more into the light and there I saw tiny hints of blue streaking in his irises. "Your real colour is probably coming out. Anna was right. It is 'Beeaauttiiiiffulllll," and he laughed making the true colour in his eyes sparkle even more.
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"OMG... Jimin..." I stood in shock and Jimin just started crying, tears of joy.
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"Would you love me this way, Jungkookie?" He asked but I had to ask him.
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"Of course I will but would you love YOU this way, Jimin?"
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I hugged him as my question remained unanswered. I cherished our peaceful silence but my question I know haunted us. We rode back to the main area of the park to meet up with Al and Hannah. Jimin laughed and I snickered as Hannah was almost covered by the gigantic unicorn that Al had won for her. They were just a ball of giggles as everyone around watched them and shook their heads. Two big grown-assed adults behaving like a couple of teenagers in love. Physically and chronologically, Jimin and I were closer in age to being compare to teenagers but mentally and emotionally, Al and Hannah won that race.
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"When you're old as I am, you'll understand the power of making someone laugh and love you for who you are. Even when you're an old fart like me," Al beamed at me.
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His words shook me. Was I really being selfish asking Jimin to be a woman for me? Can't I just love him for who he is? Or who he decided to be? It was then that I realised that Jimin said he had made up his mind about us but he never told me. I waited until we were alone that night back at Hannah's apartment. We had just made love to each other. So amazing! Sigh. Jimin's hips were so divine. He definitely knew how to rock my boat, or keeping with the setting, he knew how to ride my saddle. I waited until we were cleaned and tucked into each other's arms to ask him.
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"Jimin-ah," I whispered.
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"Hmm..." he replied as he snuggled deeper into my chest and neck area.
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Oh God! His breath alone on my skin made me hott. I knew we just had hott sex but tell that to my dick. It was already starting to move into an attention position. But I tried to calm myself because I wanted to hear what Jimin had decided.
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"Ahem... you mentioned that you too had decided about what you wanted for us," and I waited.
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"Hmm... Wellllll....... I decided that I've not decided as yet," and he smiled at me.
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I was confused. I thought he was playing with me, "Jiminnnn... What are you saying?"
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He cleared his throat and told me very sweetly, "I thought I knew what I wanted but then I realised that there are so many factors involved that I haven't even taken into consideration as yet. I want to be able to explore more ideas and options before I make any drastic change in me. There's my dad, Jin, your parents, Suki, Charlie and Sean, Al and most importantly, you. Seeing Anna today reminded me of something," and he paused.
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"Hmm... she reminded you of yourself," I added but then he said,
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"Yes. I did see myself in her but I also saw you."
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"Me???"
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"Yes you. I saw the gentleness in her heart and her ability to see past the physical. Jungkook, your dreams of me, my mother and Jane brought us here. If that didn't happen, things would've been so different now. Your ability to 'see' me was the catalyst in our relationship. You were drawn to me even before we met, you stayed with me through it all and you've loved me even when I kept things from you. You were patient and understanding and... you continued to love me even though I'm so different than the normal person."
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I turned to face him better and Jimin sat up to look at me before he continued, "You're so patient with me. You're literally waiting for me to tell you, that I want to change for you. That I want to be the woman who would get pregnant and have a baby with you. I love you Jungkook. But doing that... would require my body to go through changes that I don't know if I could live with. To get rid of my penis and change my hormones. It wouldn't take days or weeks or months. It might take years for me to adjust. I'll be moody, irritable and uncomfortable all the time. I would be in so much pain you wouldn't be able to bear it. It will hurt you as much as it would hurt me because you will know it's because of you that I made the change. You would think that you're the one causing me all that pain when we could've just continue living as men who love each other. Adopting is always an option. The baby won't be ours biologically but he or she would be ours to love, to nurture. Can't you see us with a child, like Anna? So beautiful even though she has so many issues? Anna's blindness was genetic. What if our baby is born with deformities? Can we come to terms with that?"
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"Or our babies could be normal just like us. Sigh...Jimin. You are not a freak. Do you hear me? You're different in a wonderful way. There is nothing wrong with you and nothing will be wrong with our babies."
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"How can you say that for sure? Wait... did you say 'babies' as in plural?"
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"Ahhhh Yeah! Why not! Why go through all of that to only have one child. I want two babies. No! I want six babies. NO! I want an entire football team of babies," and I kissed him as he giggled each time my number of babies got higher and higher.
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"You are so convincing, you know that?" Jimin smiled as my lips curled into his.
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"And you are my one and only," and I kissed him as he took my breath away.
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We slept in each other's arms and I dreamed. I saw a woman coming up to me. She had flowing black hair, blue eyes and so beautiful. I recognised her because I drew her from before. Lily, Jimin's mother. She was floating towards me and as she came closer, her arms that were outward slowly moved inward towards her chest area. Then I saw as they formed a cradle of sort and in her arms there was mist swirling around. It was forming something. Then I saw as she came right in front of me, the mist formed a baby. A beautiful black-haired blue-eyed baby. 'Jimin' I whispered. Jimin was the baby. He was nursing on her breast. In my shyness I looked away.
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But then I heard the voice coming from her saying, 'Yes, Jungkookie' she said but it was a familiar voice. I knew it like the back of my hand. I knew the voice of my lover, my Jimin calling me by my pet name. I looked up at 'Lily' and saw that I was indeed mistaken. It wasn't her. It was Jimin. He looked exceedingly gorgeous and he was a woman. No wonder I mistook him for his mother. 'Jimin?' I asked and he smiled at me and when he looked down, I gazed into his hands. Our baby nursing on Jimin's round breast. It was a beautiful sight to see especially as the baby turned and smiled at me. He looked like... Jon, my brother. OMG! Then I saw my hands coming up to my chest and the mist formed again. Another baby. A girl looking just like Jane. OMG!!! Our siblings coming back to life. It felt incredible.
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I looked at Jimin and I went to kiss him. He welcomed my kiss and then he turned to show me behind him. I saw in the background, the both of us but we were much older. There was a large house with a huge yard in front and back. Horses around us and we were lifting the children on top of the saddles. 'Dad, be careful...' I heard and saw our son 'Jon' big and looking manly with his wife next to him. Then our daughter 'Jane' came up to us, 'Don't forget to hold on, okay?' she told the child and she smiled at us as she went to stand with her husband.
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I looked at the younger Jimin in front of me, 'Is that us? With our grandbabies?' and he nodded. I looked back at them and our children. They were beautiful, loving and normal. My blue-eyed granddaughter watching the older Jungkook with love in her eyes while the older Jimin couldn't stop smiling as he continued to watch them and old me.
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Then that vision disappeared and I was back with my younger Jimin and our babies. 'We're going to be okay, aren't we?' I asked hoping he would say something.
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He nodded but then whispered, 'After the test...'
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Test? What test? 'Jimin!' I shouted but the figure began to fade. 'What test? Jimin! Jimin!'
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"Jimin..." I jumped out of my sleep and the real Jimin got up with me.
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"Baby. Are you okay? I think you were having a dream. What did you see?" He asked but I couldn't say anything. I jumped out of the bed and began looking. "What are you looking for?" He asked as I pulled out all the drawers but couldn't find it. I went into our bags but it wasn't there. Then as though he finally realised what I was looking for, Jimin ran out of the room and in less than a minute, he brought with him a book with a pencil. He held the coloured pencils in his hand.
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I smiled and took it from him and sitting down on the bed I began to draw. Jimin remained quiet as he watched me go to work. I also remained quiet but busily moving my hands trying to place the memory onto the pages. My first image was Lily and the baby suckling her breast. I did see her holding baby Jimin. Then as I turned the page I took my time and began to draw my Jimin. Exactly how I saw him with our baby in his hand as he nursed our child. My real Jimin put his hand over his mouth and I heard a few sobs from him. Then I drew myself next to him with the other child in my arms.
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Quickly turning the page, I began to draw the scene by the house. Four adults standing by the porch. The two older adults standing guiding the horses with our grandchildren on top of them. I drew older Jimin looking at me with the love he always has shown me. I looked down at my real Jimin's hands and took up the blue colour. And going back to the original drawing, I began to colour their eyes. Lily, baby Jimin, adult Jimin and older Jimin along with our granddaughter. Finally I stopped. My hands were burning a bit and it was only when I was finished that I relaxed and sighed.
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Then I felt soft hands touching mine and I saw as Jimin bowed down and began kissing my hands. "Jimin?" I asked rather confused. "What are you doing, baby?" When he looked up, he was crying. My heart hurt seeing him like this. "Jimin! What happened?"
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Jimin came up to me and hugged me. I hugged him back tightly. I wanted to protect him and to keep him safe. Then I heard him whisper, "I know what I must do now," he said and that's when I looked down on my lap. Drawings. As soon as I saw them I knew immediately what happened and what I drew.
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"Oh Jimin. They're just drawings from a dream, baby," but I remembered everything from the dream. It felt so real and it could be real but there was something else from the dream that I had to do. For some reason, I couldn't remember what it was. I remembered Jimin and me, young adults to older adults with our family. But there was something else.
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"Jungkook, you have a gift. You can see things, like Anna," Jimin said. "You've drawn us with babies and our family in the future. You saw us together living happily, didn't you?"
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I nodded and told him about my dream, even the part about his mother. Jimin cried again. Not about his mom but the fact that I saw him as a woman. A beautiful woman but still a woman. "Jimin, I don't know if this is what our future will be like. Maybe it's a reflection of what I would want it to be. It doesn't mean that it will happen," I sighed but there was still something nagging. Something that wasn't coming back to me.
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"I understand," Jimin responded and I held him tightly.
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We put away the drawings and the tools I used and went back to lie on the bed. Jimin quietly cried himself to sleep and my heart ached again. I was asking him to change. I saw him as a woman in my dreams, our children, our grandchildren and the dream Jimin telling me that we will make it and.... And... OH SHIT! I just remembered. The Test! The Jimin in my dream told me I had to pass a test. What the hell does that mean? A written test? Were we supposed to go back to school? Or was it a test of faith and trust in each other? A test of our relationship.
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OH FUCK! That didn't sound too good at all. Not good at all. I held on to Jimin tighter and I felt him clinging on to me and then his body relaxed. Jimin fell asleep. I put my fingers through his hair and caressed him determined more than ever, "I'll pass that fucking test. You'll see, my Jiminnie. I'll pass every test put before me to show you that I love you and trust you." My voice almost woke him up but he settled back down on my chest and in his slumber. I hummed our song and as I drifted back to sleep, I kept thinking about acing that fucking test.
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We all got up the next day and got ready to meet Charlie and Sean at the renewal of their wedding vows. We had gone into the shops and bought what Hannah said were perfect clothing for a wedding in Texas.
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"We could tone it down a bit as it's a wedding renewal but I feel it's going to be magnificent."
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And Hannah was right. The grand hotel where everything was being done was the largest in Austin. It was also filled to the brim. We were ushered into our seats and sat down with members of their families, friends and people from their organisation. Charlie and Sean apparently were well known for helping those who would be considered 'outcasts' in society. Their non-profit organisation helped couples of the same sex to get a better understanding about what life was about. I sat down looking around and it was the first time that I saw so many same sexed couples before. I knew Jimin and I weren't the only ones but it was good to see so many people who were not afraid to come out in public. Jimin held my hand and I interlocked our fingers.
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The young lady sitting next to me smiled, "Is this the first time you guys are here?" I nodded as I noticed she was there with a young woman who had a child with her.
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"Do they do this often?" I asked because I was confused by her question. Did Charlie and Sean have frequent renewal of their wedding vows? That might be kind of tedious and costly.
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But she chuckled, "No. It's the first time they're having a renewal but we usually have a little celebration for any couple wanting to celebrate their ten year anniversaries. Ten years is a milestone. We still have a few more years still for ours."
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And her mate said, "Six years and counting."
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"Yes, sugar," and she kissed her. Then turning back to me she asked, "How long have you guys been together?"
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"We've known each other for four years but together for three," I responded.
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"Four wonderful years," Jimin added.
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She smiled at us and told us how good we looked together, "I've seen a lot of male couples but you two look like you were made for each other."
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I thanked her but saw Jimin gave a half of a smile. When he saw me looking at him, his eye lit up and he caressed my cheek. I held his hand and kissed it and he blushed. Just then the ceremony began. Charlie was waiting by the altar while Sean walked up dressed in an off-white bridal gown with a long veil behind him. I looked at Sean and couldn't believe it. He looked totally like a woman. Anyone seeing him by himself or even with his partner would swear they were male and female. Sean looked so gorgeous. He had his long curly brown hair loose that it reached the length of his back and his dress fitted into his curves. His breasts full and almost popping out of the top area of his gown. I guess Charlie must love those. I looked at Jimin and saw as he too was observing Sean.
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"He looks so gorgeous," Jimin responded but our neighbour sitting next to us corrected him.
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"SHE looks so gorgeous. Sean made her complete transformation years ago just before they had Tabitha. I think Sean's pregnant again and Tabby told them they had to get married properly." She went on to explain that Tabitha was Charlie and Sean's 6 year old daughter. They had gotten married as husbands 4 years prior to her birth and before Sean's change. So when their ten year anniversary was coming up, Tabitha insisted that they get married as husband and wife. So they complied. This was all for her.
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I nodded. This is what families do for each other. Sacrifice and compromise. I know I was asking a lot of Jimin to do this but I hoped that he would do something like this for me: For us. The wedding was beautiful and emotional. Finally when they kissed as husband and wife the entire crowd cheered and we were all escorted into the dining area. Al, Hannah, Jimin and I were at a table by ourselves as were each family. The couple knew exactly who they invited and catered for their guests needs. We were having a great time and when the formalities were over the dance floor was open for everyone to dance and mingle. The four of us stayed in our seats laughing and talking with each other but then we saw as the bride and groom came towards us. I saw the doctor whispering something to his bride and she looked at us and smiled.
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"I'm glad you guys made it," Charlie said and he introduced Sean to all of us.
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"I'm so happy to meet you all, especially you Jimin, we finally meet," Sean commented as she and Jimin had spoken a few times over the phone. Charlie began to talk with Al and Hannah while Sean spoke to Jimin quietly, "I know we need to talk about things so after I throw the bouquet we can go into our suite. We'll be spending our 'honeymoon' night here and then going off to the Bahamas tomorrow afternoon. I'll be able to tell you everything you need to know and try to answer as many questions you have."
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"Is it okay if Jungkook comes with us?" Jimin asked and Sean looked at me.
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"Of course he can. What I have to say is important to him too.
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I thanked her, "I know it's a special day for you too so we won't take too much of your time."
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Sean smiled, "Thank you but we know how important it is for you two as well. Going through something like this is so vital in your relationship. It can either make or break you." Then she stood up and put her hand out to Jimin, "Come, I want to introduce you to someone," and Jimin took her hand and of course I followed. Who did she want Jimin to meet? Another intersexed person maybe? She took us through the tables as she thanked persons for their congratulations and finally she stopped by another table. Seated there was a young woman with a beautiful little girl sitting next to her. A guy was sitting on the other side of the girl as he helped her with her dress.
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Sean smiled as she introduced us, "Jimin, Jungkook this beautiful young lady is Amy. Next to her is the adorable Khatherine or Khat as we fondly call her. And the one trying to clean her dress is Emilio." We all nodded and shook their hands. I was still confused but then Sean whispered, "Emilio aka Matthew..."
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Jimin's eyes widened and Emilio smiled, "Come Jimin, sit with me and let's talk." Sean left us and Emilio spoke to Amy, "Sweetheart can you take Khat to the bathroom and then maybe to Tabby so they could go in the play area?" Amy smiled and nodded.
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Khat jumped for joy, "YES! Let's go, Amy!" And she hugged and kissed Emilio and danced her way towards the bathroom.
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Emilio smiled looking at her, "I thank God every day that I was raped by a crazy man," then he looked at us, "Because if it wasn't for that horrific event, I wouldn't have my Khathy-Khat with me." I listened as Emilio began to tell us of what he went through, "I know you know what happened to me from the article. Oh gosh that was written so long ago. Five years to be exact. I met Sean and Charlie at the clinic when I was going to abort her and clean myself of my womb. They were bringing their daughter Tabitha aka Tabby for her one year shots."
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Jimin spoke to him, "I cried when I read the article. To go through something like that from a person you trusted." Jimin did tell me about the article and I even read it. Totally sickening.
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Then he looked at us both, "Please understand, no one should ever have to go through an ordeal like rape. It's a violation of your rights to be a person. We're not animals on the road who hump anything that passes. But even though I was distraught, I realised that my fetus, my baby, did nothing wrong. Her dad did but I thought, why should I punish her for what her father did to me? And when I saw the image of her just as a tiny little bean, I fell in love. I couldn't go through it. But I did go through a change."
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Emilio went on to explain that he went through the process of being a woman for the nine months and three months after his baby was born. "It was only after she stopped breast feeding that I realised that life as a woman was not cut out for me. I wasn't comfortable being a 'woman'. I was always big so I hid my pregnancy well. Even my colleagues at work had no clue I was with child. When it was close to her birth, I took an extended vacation."
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I had to ask, "Didn't your family notice anything different with you?"
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Emilio smiled, "My birth parents abandoned me when I was a child. I grew up in an orphanage and was treated like a reject. But a couple adopted me when they heard of my condition." He watched Jimin. "My adopted mother couldn't have children and she said having me was like having a boy and a girl. They loved me and cared for me all their lives. They treated me with respect and gave me their name too. I finally felt that I belonged but then on my twenty-first birthday, they got into a car crash and died. They were coming from the grocery with things for my birthday because I was coming to visit them from university. I was a mess and even though I inherited all their assets and wealth, nothing could ever replace the love they shared with me. I'd give it all back if I could have them again."
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Jimin hugged him and Emilio held on to him, "I'm so sorry for your loss," and I wiped my eyes too. Emilio thanked us as Jimin sat back down on his seat. I put my arms around him and he nestled into my arms. Then he asked Emilio, "So after you met, 'Jude'?"
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Emilio nodded, "Yes. He was a new professor at the university and we hit it off very well. I think I was looking for comfort especially after losing my parents. Lance aka 'Jude' was so wonderful and always treated me well. So imagine my shock and total horror when he raped me."
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"Does he know about Khathy?" Jimin took the words right of my mouth.
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"No. I never told him. I didn't want him to make any accusations or even think of coming to take my baby away from me. Just look at her. She's so beautiful. Anyone would want her and even though some may say he has a right to know about his child, he took my rights from me when he violated me to make that child." Emilio paused then he smiled, "I met Amy at the clinic. She's a nurse there. I saw her looking at me and I felt the attraction but not wanting to fall into the same trap of letting someone take advantage of me, I ignored her. However she knew of my condition and that I was pregnant. And crazy enough, she was still attracted to me. She told me she's heterosexual but understands my situation. After I had Khathy, Amy made regular visits to my home. It's a requirement of nurses and patients with new-borns. It wasn't long when we started hanging out longer than the time she was supposed to stay to observe and help me with my baby. And one night after Amy put Khathy to sleep, I took her in my arms and kissed her. We've been together ever since. So I decided to continue being a man for her."
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I looked at Jimin as he sat up to ask, "Was it painful?"
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"As any surgery would be. Yes. I did a hysterectomy and began taking male hormones to get back to being a man. I don't take them anymore because my body adjusted."
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"What about your... V?" I shyly asked.
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Emilio chuckled, "You mean my vagina. Well, I didn't want to increase my female hormones so I got rid of that too. The doctors cut everything female out of me and stitched me up to look like I had nothing there to begin with. I'm totally male now."
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"So things have been really good for you," I said smiling at him.
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"Hmm Mmm. When Khathy was two, Amy and I got married. We waited until after all the years of testosterone treatment was completed and for my body to adjust. And now finally she's pregnant. We just found out last week."
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"Wow! Congratulations to you both," Jimin and I said.
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Then he looked at us and told us that it is possible to live a good life and to love and treat your significant other with love and trust. "Jimin, it's going to be very tough for you but don't think that Jungkook isn't going to hurt. This affects him too. It was tough for Amy to see me going through my changes especially on my not so good days. But she weathered the storms with me so now I have to support her with new mood swings and her change in appetite. That's how I knew something was different with her. Know your partner. Please them but never forgetting and loving who you are too."
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Jimin and I couldn't thank Emilio enough and then we walked back towards our table. Al and Hannah were on the dance floor swaying to the slow sounds of the love ballad playing. I took Jimin by surprise as I grabbed him by his waist and began to dance with him too. He automatically put his arms around my neck and looked into my eyes.
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Then Jimin said to me, "Emilio is so brave and strong. I'm so happy that he's moved on from his trauma and can now finally live his life."
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I listened to his words and knew I had to say it so I took a deep breath and hoped he would understand, "You can be too, you know. Free from your own trauma. You can conquer the fears your mother embedded in you all those years. You are unique Jimin. Remember that your mother was also encased by her fear and that's why she couldn't treat you the way a mother should treat her child. She loved you but the pains in her were too much for her to bear. Forgiving her would take some time but it will help you to finally live your life," then I breathe a sigh. I didn't know how Jimin would take my words but I knew I had to tell him what I felt and know to be true.
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Jimin's eyes got glassy and I wiped the wetness that was on the corner of his eyes, "I know but she's left me with so much pain. My heart wants to forgive her but don't know how."
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I lifted his chin and said to him, "Emilio is thankful for his rapist now but back then when he was lying on the floor after being raped, I'm sure he wanted to kill him. He would've held on to that pain because he couldn't do anything about it. Jude/Lance got away with his crime but in the end who came out victorious? Emilio. He has Khathy now and no one can take that away from him." I paused and lightly kissed Jimin's lips, "Think of the pains with your mother as being something positive. It made you a strong individual. You made critical decisions as a child and continued to grow in strength as you got older. You're you because of the pains she caused you."
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Jimin smiled and nodded, agreeing with my statement. Then I rubbed his back and hair in my hands as I smirked, "And Damn Man! Because of her you also learned how to keep secrets well. Fuck man! You fooled everyone, even the person you love, eh. Keeping something like that for so long... I admire your superhero powers," and I chuckled. Jimin laughed with me and I hugged him tighter, "But know that I love you with all my heart, body and soul, Jimin. Whatever you decide to do, it will only make me love you even more." I hoped and prayed that would be true.
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