I barely slept last night. All I could do was stare up at the fan and watch it go in circles. It's how my life has been, unfortunately. Things are fine, then shit blows up. And then it comes back around to good, and shit goes and hits the fan again.
In all honesty, I didn't want to sleep. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw the look in hers when she was breaking. When her hands met my chest in her fit of disappointing anger, nausea flooded through me.
When this happened after graduation, I felt like an ass. I had never felt like I did that day. I felt justified in my actions, for the most part, given the lack of communication.
But never—ever—have I felt the way I did last night when each fist that hit me was a visual representation of her heart breaking because of my words.
I heard my sister mention a trip and instead of just asking her, I blew it out of proportion and made her lose her trust in me all over again.
Things got out of hand, and it's going to take a lot more than an 'I'm sorry' to fix this one.
I've been fortunate enough to have some time to clear my head while I've been prepping today. All the food I could fix early is done, with only a few things that need to be completed before the rehearsal dinner.
What surprises me is that I see my sister storming into my office when she's supposed to be making final touches to the backyard turned wedding venue before coming back here to check and make sure the tables are set like she wants.
"What is wrong with you?" She rages as she slams the door shut.
"What are you talking about?"
"You know exactly what I'm talking about. My best friend was the happiest I've ever seen her yesterday, and today, she's a shell of a person who's putting her pain on the backburner to be happy for me. So, again, what is wrong with you?"
"So many things," I admit. Going through this for a second time has made me reflect on my actions. And I know that we both still have a lot of growing to do, but I'm starting to think I'm the one that's refusing to change. It's easier to stay the way I've always been. It's safer.
But at the same time, I want her. I want her more than I ever did when I was in high school. What we have... it's more than attraction or a simple connection. Our.... love—yes, love—is the epitome of confusing.
Neither of us know why we were pulled together. In high school, when she walked into the gym in that perfectly fitted lilac dress, I couldn't take my eyes off her. Of all the girls in the school, my eyes found her, no one else.
And although she left, my love for her never wavered. I tried to drown it with girls and alcohol, tried to drown it through work. I tried to beat it out of me, and if I could have, I would have ripped my own heart out of my chest.
But above it all... above the fight, the distance, the longing and uncertainty for the future... we found our way back to each other. Not that it's been easy, but it made me realize how much I love her and how empty I was without her in my life.
And now I've gone and fucked it up, with not an idea in the world for how to fix it.
I must have zoned out, because the sound of my sister slamming her palm down on my desk pulls me back to the present.
"Damn, Lorraine..."
"Don't you even, Jensen. I told you that if you pushed her away again and I lost her, I'd kick your ass. I'm not above doing exactly what I said either. Get your shit together, big brother, or so fucking help me," she says with an intense thrust of her finger in my face. She leaves without another word.
Damn it, I am so fucked.
Because not only do I have to win Baya back, but if I don't, I'll be in the doghouse with two women.
And not to be a wimp, but I'm man enough to admit that my sister fucking scares me, especially when she's mad.
I have a lot to think about, and a lot of groveling to do, plus the biggest apology known to man.
***
She's avoiding me. It's clear as day. I can't say that I blame her, I was harsh. But the distance is much worse when you can see someone and not be able to touch them.
When you're close enough to see their smile, the sparkle in their eyes, the blush in their cheeks. How they smell like lilacs and vanilla, and how their laugh echoes in your mind like a song. Distance is easier when you're not having to watch the pain you caused someone.
Swallowing down the last bit of amber liquid in my glass, I start making strides toward her. Not too fast, not too slow. Baya is in the middle of a conversation with one of Mason's groomsmen, a guy I've never met, when I approach her.
"Baya..." I say, tapping her shoulder.
She barely turns her head toward me before saying, "I'm in the middle of a conversation, Jensen." There's no life to her tone. Only coldness.
"It'll only take a minute."
"Then you can wait until I'm done speaking to..." she turns her head back to the jackass standing before her. And no, I don't know him, but I can call him a jackass just for being near her.
"It's Freddie," the guy says in a tone too deep for his appearance. "But it's time I catch up with the guys. We can talk later."
"You don't have to leave..." Baya tries to tell him, but he puts his hands up and backs away.
"I think I do. You two look like you need to talk."
"We do. Thanks for leaving," I tell him.
Once jackass is out of sight, Baya whips around, pointing a finger in my face. Second time that's happened to me today. "What the hell, Jensen?"
"I didn't like seeing you talk to him."
A sarcastic laugh comes out of Baya, surprising me. "You have no right..." she says, in a tone much lower than the laugh she just released.
"No right?"
"Yes!" She screams, surprising me again. The constant switch of tones is scaring me. "Because for someone who can't trust me, which may I add is the foundation of a relationship, and who doesn't want to be with me, you're acting jealous. And you have no right."
"You're taking last night out of proportion."
"No, I'm not," she sighs. "I heard you loud and clear, Jensen."
She goes to turn away, but I grab her by the arm, keeping her from going. "Baya..."
"I can't be near you right now, J. I just... it's hard enough as it is, okay?" This time she does leave, and I let her. When she's about ten feet from me, she stops, turning slowly to face me again. "And for the record... it was only a friendly conversation about L.A. with someone who actually wanted to talk to me since the one person I want to talk to isn't on the same page with me."
A single tear slips down her cheek, but she quickly wipes it away before saying, "I got to go."
And there she goes, slipping through my fingers again.
***
Throughout the entire rehearsal, I can't stop looking at Baya. I watch as that jackass, Freddie, walks down the aisle with her. I see her mouth turn up when he says something funny, and I see him grip her arm tighter, pulling her closer as he does so.
It drives me fucking mad.
But she has a point. I don't have the right, at least not completely. I realized early that a simple apology isn't going to do...
I'm going to have to fucking grovel my ass off.
"What's going on, bro?" Jax asks as he takes a seat beside me. I've been staring out at the lake while everyone changes for dinner.
"Oh, not much. Just me royally fucking up because I can't disconnect myself from the past."
"Baya isn't the same girl she was back then, J," he says with sympathy.
"How would you know?"
"Jensen, Jensen. I may be quiet, but I'm not blind. I've seen how you two have acted since she came back. She knows what she did, and she's trying to make up for it. While she's changed and seeing you for the person you are now, all you can see is eighteen-year-old Baya, the one who broke your heart. Not the girl who came back to repair it."
I listen to Jax's words. For someone who never interferes with drama, it's usually shocking when he puts his two cents in.
"When did you start speaking up?"
"Well, I'll always be the quiet one. But I'm also your brother. So, when I see that you're hurting yourself for no reason, I know things have gotten too far and that it's time for me to say something."
Glossiness blurs my vision, and a proud smile spreads across my face.
"I blinked, and now you're all grown up," I croak.
"We all have to grow up sometime. It's time that you do, too. Stop living as scared teenage Jensen. Be the man you are now. The man that I am proud to call my brother," he says as his hand grasps my shoulder.
"Thanks, Jax. I needed that. And I'm proud of you, too."
"No problem, man."
***
It's breaking my heart. This is supposed to be a happy time for everyone. I mean, what's happier than a wedding?
But the entire time that dinner is happening, I watch Baya force smiles, secretly wipe away tears, and push herself to be happy when I know for a fact that she isn't. And it's even harder for her now as she gets up to say a few words about the soon-to-be-newlyweds.
"I'm thankful that you all could be here tonight to celebrate the happy couple," Baya begins, squaring her shoulders and standing taller. "First, I have to scold my best friend for wanting me to make an extra speech when I'm already giving one tomorrow," she laughs. "But I'm doing it because she asked nicely...and gave me a bottle of wine...okay, maybe it was just because of the wine." The crowd laughs as she continues.
"I've been lucky to call Lorraine my best friend for about eleven years, although we haven't been together the whole time. But the thing about Lorraine is that no matter how much time has passed, she immediately pulls you back into her kindness, her wisdom, and her warmth. So, it's no wonder that Mason was also mesmerized by everything that she is.
"You know, the only people I've seen truly love each other in my life are Lorraine's parents, Andrea and Tom." Okay, that's weird. What about her parents? "They were warm, kind, compassionate, dependable... and God, did they love one another. It's a love that everyone should have in their lifetime." Baya's eyes cut toward mine, and I'm unable to blink. "The love that they shared is the kind of love that I see in Mason and Lorraine."
Baya grabs her glass of champagne, raising it in the air. "To Mason and Lorraine, and a lifetime of love, always putting each other first, and hoping that Lorraine doesn't kill Mason in the first year because he doesn't know how to put his clothes in the hamper and not on the bedroom floor," she laughs, and everyone joins in. Lorraine's laughter floods the room as she embraces Baya in a hug that nearly takes her breath away.
People start to trickle out once everything is complete. Mason takes off with the guys to his house, and Lorraine takes off with the girls to Baya's. Only Baya isn't leaving because she's cleaning up from tonight, and I'm not leaving because this is my restaurant. It's giving me the perfect opportunity to speak with her.
As we're cleaning up the last bit of the deck area, I look at Baya to see her moving tables around for the entire guest list for tomorrow.
"You didn't have to stay and help. You should be having fun with the bridal party."
"I'm not really in the party mood," she says, barely above a whisper.
"That's something I want to talk to you about..." I begin.
"No, there's nothing we need to talk about. I'm not going to try to beg for you to see me anymore, see who I am now. Not who I was."
Seizing her by the arm, I pull her until she's only a few inches from me, holding on so that she can't slip away. "For God's sake, woman, you drive me mad. Can you be quiet for two damn minutes and let me talk to you?"
Given the fact that her jaw is dropped and she's not trying to run away from me, I'm going to take it that she's going to let me talk to her. Fucking finally.
"I fucked up. Royally. I said things that I never meant to say, things that hurt you." I loosen the grip on her arms, still refusing to fully let go. "I made it sound like I thought you didn't love me when you left. And that was a lie. I've went all these years being mad at you, and it was easier for me to think that you didn't love me because you left so easily. But I know that isn't true. I could never. Because saying it made me put myself in your shoes, knowing that you love someone, but you can't stay, and knowing that someone's heart is going to break no matter what. I'm not sure I could have done it."
"It's complicated..."
"I know, and I'm not saying that it isn't, okay? But right now, I'm focused on starting with the biggest apology of my life."
"Jensen," Baya starts, pulling out of my hold and grabbing my hands. "An apology won't cut it, as much as I wish it would."
"No, it has to..."
"Jensen," she says, more firmly this time. "It won't. You can't slap a band-aid on a problem when it really needs surgery. Our problem is bigger, and it's only going to cause us more pain in the end."
"No, it isn't," I say as I frantically shake my head. "Because I realized that I'm only hurting myself by doing this."
"Oh, J," Baya croaks. "That's where you're wrong," she whispers. Her delicate hand, with slight calluses from her guitar, travel to my cheek where it stops and swipes slowly at the tears I'm only now realizing are leaking out. "You're hurting us both and you don't even see it."
"I do see it. How can I fucking not? I see the way you force smiles and hold back tears. How you act like everything is fine when I know that isn't. I see the struggle in your eyes because it's exactly what I see when I look in the mirror every day," I rasp. "So yes, Baya, I see that I'm hurting you. Which is why I'm doing this. Because I'm tired of hurting you, of hurting us both. It's killing me."
"Jensen, not once have you mentioned the real issue at hand here..."
"What's that?"
Baya's other hand comes up to my other cheek, holding my face in her hands. "You're always going to see me with one foot already out of the door, no matter what I say." She pulls my head down to hers, placing a chaste kiss on my forehead before wrapping her arms around my neck and whispering in my ear. "You were right all along, Jensen. I should have never come back. I should have never given in, knowing that it would only cause more hurt. So, what we're going to do is get through this wedding for the sake of your sister, and then you won't have to worry about causing me pain anymore. Okay?" Her voice squeaks, showing that she's trying to hold back full-on sobbing.
"Baya, that isn't what I want..."
"But it's what we need, okay?" she sobs. "Love shouldn't be this way." Moving swiftly, Baya reaches her jeep before I can say anything else, too stunned to even think right now.
I don't want to give up on her, on us. But right now, I don't feel like I have any other choice.
The feeling of not being able to save something that is still able to live, hurts worse than any pain I've felt in the world.
And I'm no stranger to pain.
Oh no, we're old friends, pain and me.
Which is why I do what I've always done when I'm trying to hide the pain and agony, although I haven't done it since I started to feel what happiness was like again.
I start the night with a glass, and I end it with a bottle.
I know...how awful of me to come back with a chapter like this? Don't worry, it hurt me too, but it's necessary.
Oh, and in case you didn't know... I'M A PUBLISHED AUTHOR NOW! My debut novel, Worth Fighting For, is now live and available to read for FREE in Kindle Unlimited. So if you haven't read my other work, go check it out!
I'm hoping to have more regular updates now that the book is out, but bear with me. I've gone so long without consistent writing that it may take a bit to get back into the swing of things. But I've missed these two, regardless of how heartbreaking it is right now.
How about y'all? How have you been?