Coming to terms with Luke moving away is hard, to say the least. It takes weeks for me to wrap my head around the fact that he was no longer across the hall from me. That I had officially driven him away. Totally and completely. He was gone and he was never coming back. I don't even know where he went or if he's still living with Tara. And as much as I tell myself I don't mind, it was an absolute lie.
I've gotten quite good at pretending though. Pretending I was fine, pretending my chest didn't tighten every time I walked out of my apartment, pretending I didn't often find myself laying on the ground in the middle of the empty apartment across the hall.
It's just, it's hard to let go. It's hard to forget everything we said, everything I felt. It's hard to just let go of Luke. And maybe part of me was holding on to that last bit of hope. That last bit that maybe Luke leaving was temporary, that he just needed some space and he'd be back. He'd be back and tell me how much he's missed me, how much he loves me, how he never wants to be apart again.
Three months.
The thing is, today is the official three month mark. Today is the official last day of hope. I'm not sure what to do with that. I can't really bring myself to pretend today. Because today was far too important. Today was the day I've been waiting for since the day I told Luke to leave. Today I couldn't bring myself to smile and hold conversations and not clean the apartment top to bottom.
I tell myself it's not a big deal. That I didn't care if he came back or not because I'm not even sure I still want him after all this time. Which of course is a complete load of crap because I've been aching for him. I swear even my body knows how important today is, every last nerve of mine extra sensitive and my heart has been offbeat since the moment I woke up.
But I go about my day, getting my morning routine done and eyeing the clock every second I get.
Michael and Calum show up around late afternoon with hopeful words but looks that say they're ready to pick up the pieces if need be. I already made a promise to myself that I wasn't going to fall apart if he didn't show. I've come so far and haven't cried in nearly a month now and if Luke didn't show then that was his loss. I'd keep my chin up and move on. I didn't need Luke before and I don't need him now.
Except that I totally did.
-
Around evening time, while the three of us are lounging on the couch, there's a knock on the door. Everything goes dead silent with it, none of us breathing as the tension slowly starts to build.
"Are you going to get it?" Michael asks quietly. I'm frozen though, I'm positive my blood has stopped flowing and my heart has stopped pumping in my chest. My eyes are glued to the door and my mind is racing a million miles a second. "Lai?" Calum nudges me lightly. I blink rapidly, gnawing at my lip nervously. "What if it's him?" I ask dumbly. "Then you let him in and we go back to normal," Calum reasons. "What if it's not?" I ask anxiously. "Then...the days still not over," he answers just as sure.
Okay.
Okay.
I can do this.
It's just answering a door.
I can answer a door.
It's simple.
No big deal.
Here I go.
Answering the door.
"I can't do it," I breathe, turning back around to face Calum and Michael who are watching intently from the couch. "Laila," Michael sighs, looking like he's seconds from exploding. Honestly, I'm not far behind him. "You do it," I plead. He and Calum share a look then he's up on his feet with another sigh. Calum comes to stand by me while Michael walks to the door. "It has to be him Lai, who else is going to come by at this time?" Michael mutters on his way past us.
I'm not sure what I'm most nervous for, a stranger or Luke. With my breath held deep in me, I watch silently as Michael opens up the door.
I let out a defeated breath and slump down in one of my stools.
It's not him.
"He's not coming is he?" I frown up at Calum. "What? Come on Lai, the days not over remember?" He sits in the stool next to me, Michael signing for whatever delivery that came. "He's not coming," I deadpan. "Laila.." he sighs. "It's fine. I don't know what I expected really, he told me that day in the laundry room. God. Why didn't I agree to work on it? Why did I send him away? Why didn't I just listen?" I groan miserably.
The laundry room has been haunting me every night since it happened. I can't believe I stood there and let him slip right through my fingertips. I can't believe that was the last time I was going to see him. I should have appreciated it more, taken it in more. Gotten a better look to store away for times like this when I really just need to see him. To remember the light in his blue eyes, or the way his teeth nervously nipped at his lip ring, or the way his flat blonde hair swept easily across his forehead.
"You were hurt, Luke knows that, he also knows you love him. And he loves you, Laila, he'll show up, he will," Calum reassures but I'm not so sure he's right this time. "Did you order something?" Michael walks up to us, handing me a package. "Just leave it there," I sigh, nodding to the counter.
"Look, I appreciate you guys coming over but I don't think he's coming," I shrug, getting up from my seat. "Lai," they both sigh in an attempt to get me from walking away. "It's fine, he made his choice, I don't blame him," I dismiss, heading toward my room.
-
I end up wide awake in bed, staring up at the ceiling. It's late and I can't seem to process that it was actually over. That Luke wasn't coming back. I can't process that I'll never get to hold him, be held by him, touch him, kiss him, or call him mine ever again. I can't process that I'll never see those beautiful blue eyes of his ever again. That I'll never get to hear one of his stupid jokes again. Or that I'll never wake to him playing his guitar in an old t-shirt and weird patterned boxers again.
I can't process that Luke Hemmings was officially, completely, out of my life for good.
My heart aches with the thought. The thought of never having that happiness back. I wonder if this is what it's always going to be like. If I'm constantly going to be in this much pain or if it'll ever get better. I doubt it. In fact, I'm positive there will always be a certain pain there, a certain part of me missing. Because Luke has that part and why he chose to keep it and never bring it back, well, that I'll never know.
Maybe it was because of Tara, maybe he was busy with his music studies, maybe he found someone new. Either way, he chose not to come back.
With watery eyes, I head to the door, passing the package on the way and deciding to take it with me on my journey across the hall. The apartments stayed empty, I'm not sure why they haven't changed the locks or started trying to rent it out again but they haven't and thank god for it. Because nights like these, nights where it hurts so much I can't stop the tears, well these are the nights I need this apartment most. Need the familiarity, the warmth, the memories.
Sure it's empty but it still has the smell to it, the smell of home; like the freshener Luke's mom bought him. And if I close my eyes it's almost like I'm in Luke's bed, listening to him quietly trying to strum a tune without waking me. It's almost like he's still there.
With blurred vision I open up the package, only crying even more when realizing it was my Lewis Watson vinyl. There's no return address but I know full well where it came from. I'd been looking for it since finding out Luke moved and searched my entire apartment head to toe even having a little breakdown that Calum unfortunately walked in on. My fingers run over the front cover, it's the closest I've gotten to Luke since he walked out of the laundry room that night.
And so with tear stained cheeks, I head back across the hall not bothering with the door, needing to just get to my record player.
With a heavy heart I put the record in place, set the needle down and soon Lewis Watson is softly filling my quiet little apartment. It's almost like a goodbye. Like a final, here's that missing part of you back. And I'm so grateful for it. I needed it. I needed something to settle me and help me sleep at night. I needed that finality. That closure. And here it was, all in one vinyl record.
In a way, it doesn't hurt so much. I feel at ease, feel whole; complete. Like maybe, just maybe, I was finally ready to start moving on. To take Calum's advice and start actually living my life again. And I wasn't going to have to pretend for the sake of everyone around me. I was going to do it for me. Because yes Luke's gone and yes that hurts but I had the pleasure of loving him and knowing what being loved by him felt like. So although it hurts, that, that's something to be happy about. That's something not a lot of people can say they've experienced.
And so I was settled. I was actually okay. I was ready to start living. To go to work and actually be there. To go out with friends again. To find someone new. Someone who didn't come with a terrible ex. Someone who was ready for a relationship. Someone who loved me as much as I loved them.
"Why's the door wide open? You know how dangerous that is," an all too familiar voice rings over the sound of the quiet album. My heart doesn't stop this time, my blood doesn't run cold, my chest doesn't tighten and my stomach hasn't sunken. Instead, my hearts beating rapidly in my ears, my blood pumping through my veins, my chest is light and warm, and my stomach, well that's got a million little butterflies banging around inside.
"Clearly, if there's a serial killer standing in my doorway," I breathe effortlessly, meeting the breathtaking blue eyes I've been yearning for. His lips turn up with an amused smile and there's that single dimple of his. At last, I can say with complete and utter honesty, my world was finally slowly getting put back together.
And thank god for it because I so was not ready to move on.
--
Thank you guys so much for reading this story and voting/commenting and just all around being an amazing bunch of people to write for. I'm so sad to have this story end and Lewla will be missed dearly but feel free to always stop by my ask for any questions or chats about Lewla anytime you want! I love every last one of you and it seriously means so much to me that so many of you sat through this whole story and hopefully you were able to escape reality for a bit and enjoyed it! <3
There is an epilogue if you want to read that, it's sort of like a final, final chapter. Explains a bit more and serves some closure.
My next story will be a Michael one for anyone interested you can follow my tumblr to know when that'll be up! (:
Again, thank you all so so much. Xx