WARNING (Mature Readers Only): Contains Strong Sexual Content, Rape and Obscene Language.
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[Jimin]
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FINALLY, I TOLD HIM!
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Finally Jungkook knew my deepest and darkest secret. I was both male and female. I was born that way but had decided to be male because of my mother. I didn't want to turn out like her. This was why I wanted to help people who were depressed and who felt like outcasts. I was one myself. I thought I had things under control by keeping my secret but when I fell in love with Jungkook, everything changed. I guess if I fell in love with a girl it wouldn't have mattered. I would've gotten married and have children with her as normal. Whether I had a womb wouldn't have mattered. But being in love with a guy and knowing that one day we could have children naturally if I decided to be female, is not normal at all.
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Being born as a hermaphrodite meant I could be a mother or a father. Jungkook knew the term 'intersex'. Most people knew that term and used it interchangeably with hermaphrodites. But in more modern times the term hermaphrodite was not considered politically correct hence the term intersex. It didn't matter to me which term I used. All I knew growing up was that I was different than my siblings and my friends from whom I kept it a secret until now.
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I realised now that Jungkook really had no clue about who I was in the past. I trusted him and I felt his earnestly when he explained things to me. But I know now that I needed to make another important decision. I had decided to remain a man for Jungkook and was going to permanently remove my female organs but I made that decision without consulting my partner. That was very selfish indeed and I knew Jin was right: Jungkook needed to know and have an input in it. I trembled wondering what he would really want.
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I opened my eyes and the moonlight filled our room. It was night time already. I was on our bed and I felt Jungkook's arms around me and his deep breaths blowing in my hair. My fucking hair. I changed it to look nothing like my mother. The eye surgery was extremely difficult but successful. It was a dye like a tattoo that they used but the ink with the natural blue made the colour brown. They actually looked like Jane's eyes. I accepted it. I loved my sister. Still do so my eyes being brown wasn't a problem for me.
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Because of the difficulties during that surgery, it was advised that I hold off from doing the hysterectomy. They however did the surgery to stop my menstruation along with medicinal treatment. My dad paid a lot of money for scientists to create a medication especially for me. This injection helped me produce male hormones and freeze my female hormones. It was something I took yearly. So every year I took a weekend trip to Thailand to receive it. We called it our 'Family Get Away'. My dad would always accompany me. Within the years that I knew Jungkook, he understood the importance of us being apart during those times. He thought my dad and I were doing it to have family bonding. Jungkook understood the importance of family. Deep down I know he would be such a great dad.
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I couldn't stop thinking about that. Jungkook and I having our own little boy or girl. Naturally. Not adopting, no surrogate and nothing from a test tube. A baby with our own DNA. A baby to love, nurture and bring up into this world. Would I be a good mother? I didn't have much of an example. My mother was selfish and mean. Jungkook was right. How could a mother say things like that about her child? But then I thought of Mrs. Jeon. She was a wonderful woman and mother. There were so many other women I encountered who were thoughtful and excellent mothers. Some of them were the producers and actresses who brought their children on set. I loved holding and interacting with their babies.
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I know I would adore holding my own baby. Actually I would absolutely love holding and feeding Jungkook's baby. Our very own baby made from us having sex. His sperm, my egg. LORD! This was something that I never thought I would be contemplating. Should I do this? Should I become a woman for him? For our future children? Was it scientifically possible? It would mean surgery again. It would also mean changing my medication. SHIT! That would take some time not only to make it but also for my body to get adjusted to it. It would also make us a topic for discussion. Would people talk about us? Of course they would! People liked nothing more than to gossip about juicy things like that. They wouldn't care about the other people's lives. Once it was controversial it would spread like wildfire. Jungkook and I had used social media to our advantage when we came out in society. If they knew about this, it would go viral instantly. Then everyone would know my secret. Maybe it was finally time for that too.
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Jungkook told me he needed time to think about things and now all I could think of was that I needed time too. Time to think if this is what I really wanted to do. Making that change. Can I do it? For him? For me? For our future children? The answers I needed I wouldn't get them here. I needed to talk to people who were in similar situations like this. I needed to do my research.
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I gently took Jungkook's arm off of me and went into our study room. I began my online search of other hermaphrodite/intersex people and if there were support groups in the US area. There were quite a few and I began my search there. I thought if I could get the advice from people who have already gone through these situations that it would help Jungkook and I to make the best decision. Would he agree to this?
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I knew Jungkook's graduation was coming up and he had just only a week ago started his probation in the architect firm his dad used to work in before he became a teacher. That was the field Jungkook decided to major in. Architecture. I was so proud of him and so was his dad. Jungkook had the mind set to accomplish anything he wanted and he made us proud when he changed his major in his first year. He knew he could use his Art skills as well as his Mathematical knowledge for the Architecture courses and it worked out just fine. More than fine. Jungkook did all the make-up classes and aced all of his tests and assignments. I wouldn't be surprised if he got full distinctions in his finals.
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However, his job was a two hour drive from our apartment. We had discussed moving closer but then my job was also a two hour drive from our home. Both companies were located in opposite directions of each other. We both had jobs that took us hours to reach there and hours to return home to each other. My new position as Assistant Producer was a little bit easier to work around. Work was only busy when we actually had a major movie doing and right now the one I was working on was almost completed. There were just a few additional things to finish and then it would be premiering in a few months' time. The same week as Jungkook's graduation to be exact.
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Things were really working out for us. Financially we were set. Other than our jobs, the Jeon family had actually started a business selling the precious stones that we found in their pool. The first set of amethysts that I had found were worth a lot of money. The second one I had found was worth over fifty thousand dollars. I never got the first one estimated. It was special to me and I knew I wasn't going to sell it so I didn't bother about getting it valued. But both combined would sell for close to one hundred thousand dollars. Mr. Jeon had sold the second amethyst and decided to purchase more land around the pool area and had it enclosed. He actually did the dives and digs himself. Even Suki did a few with him as well and they found some really gorgeous gems. A little further down the stream, their mom found some jewels on the bank of the water. She was walking around looking at the area that they had purchased and was sitting on the edge of the water. She dug her hand into the soft muddy area and pulled out a few more amethysts. They dug in the area and got even more jewels like Quartz Crystals and some Honey Jasper Gems. Mr. and Mrs. Jeon did a few workshops together in finding and recognising various types of stones. They were doing very well.
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They also gave me a percentage in their new business venture. I didn't really want to take what was rightfully theirs but they said if it wasn't for me they wouldn't have known about the treasure they had. "Son," his dad told me the day they asked us to come over to discuss their plans, "We've had this place for years and we never knew those gems existed until you uncovered them. You've helped us in more ways than one. This is our way of showing our gratitude." And I humbly accepted it. I got a 5% in their findings. They wanted to give me much more but I insisted at that amount. 5% was actually a great amount. I got just over $3000 from the second gem I found. Each time they sold more precious stones, they wired the money to my account. I wanted to open a joint account for Jungkook and me so that money would be there for the both of us to use but he told me he was proud of me helping his folks and he wanted me to keep that money for myself. I still didn't touch the money, thinking that when we were ready to start a family that it would come in handy.
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Jungkook was my life and his family loved me like their own son. How would they feel knowing that I was lying to them all along? That I was lying to their son too about who I really am? I paused from my searches and reclined on the office chair. I looked across at Jungkook's work space. His desk was cluttered and his drawings were all over the place. Messy but that's who Jungkook is. I smiled. I loved his messiness. I love him and he loves me. I raised my feet up on my desk and accidently touched the mouse. It opened up a page on one of the searches. The image was the silhouette of a man holding a baby and the title was, 'My journey at being a dad and a mom'. I became curious so I sat up and began to read it.
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Matthew (not his real name) was born with both male and female parts but had lived most of his life as a boy. A man. My eyes lit up when I read the next few lines. It read, 'I was content with living as a man until I met and fell in love with Jude (Not his real name). I was never attracted to someone of the same sex before but we fell in love with each other really quickly. His green eyes captivated me and it was like sparks whenever we touched. At first, I denied my feelings. This realisation that I was in love with a man hurt me because I thought I was supposed to be with a woman and we could raise a family. It hurt my girlfriend too. She was under the impression that we were going to get married and have children. I thought so too until Jude came along.'
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Wow! I couldn't stop reading.
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'I broke up with my girlfriend and went to be with Jude. We always made out but didn't actually have sexual intercourse. I told him I wasn't ready for that as yet and I would go down on him often. He was content with that but he wanted more. He wanted actual penetration. I was very hesitant and not just because I had never done it before but I knew if he were to have sex with me then he would see my secret. I knew I had to tell him because I knew he would've definitely seen my vagina during penetration. When I finally made up my mind and heart to sleep with him, I told him about my condition. I thought he would be more curious about it but I was so wrong. He totally freaked out. With my ex-girlfriend it was easy to hide it from her because she hated blowjobs so I did most of the work. Lol! But I couldn't laugh now because my boyfriend whom I loved and trusted with my deepest and darkest secret, became painfully angry with me. The connection I thought we had blew out of the window like a tornado. He raped me that night.'
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I paused. Shit! How could he do that to him? Matthew trusted Jude. I continued reading feeling the pains for Matthew.
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(Warning: This section has the true events about his rape and are very graphic) 'I begged him to stop when I saw the light leafy green in his eyes turned to a dark macabre emerald. Jude literally ripped off my clothing claiming he wanted proof of what I was telling him. I begged him again to stop but he was in a maddening frenzy. When he bent me over and saw my female parts, he bawled out and began to hurt me. Telling me I was such a hypocrite and that I needed to be taught a lesson on fooling people. The man I trusted with my heart and my secret, ignored my pleas and cries for him to stop. He pushed me down on the bed. The same bed I thought he was going to make sweet love to me but instead he held down my hands, pulled out his dick and forcefully fucked me in my pussy. I was a virgin and that night, he ruptured both my hymen and my heart.
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I laid on the bed, broken but when I thought the horrors were over, Jude came off the bed. He quickly went into my little kitchen and took up the biggest wooden pot spoon that was hanging. He came back to the bed and began to beat me with it still saying I needed to be taught a lesson. I bawled and begged again. I tried to get away from him so I turned around to cover myself but he was so much stronger than I was. Even stronger now that he was so angry at me. I pleaded, 'Please Jude. Don't do this. I love you,' but he yelled at me, 'Love? This is not love. This is a sickness. You're fucking sick!' And he took off his belt and again began hitting me. The physical lashes were nothing compared to the emotional scars he was making in me and my body just gave in. Then when he realised I stopped fighting him, it infuriated him even more. He bound my hands behind me with his belt and threw me on the ground. Then I felt as his dick jammed hard into the hole in my ass. I never had sex like this before so with him going inside of me without lubrication bruised me so badly. Then I felt something jamming into my vagina. The man I trusted with my life was humiliating me with his dick and a wooden spoon interchanging between my holes. 'You want to have both... eh... you fucking freak...' When his dick was ramming violently inside my pussy and the utensil was jammed in my butthole, Jude came and finally stopped.
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My tears fell. OMG! I couldn't believe what I was reading. I could feel his man's pain in so many ways.
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'After his gruesome conquer of my body and soul were over, Jude spat on me and left me bleeding, battered, bruised and crying all alone. In the next few weeks I became a recluse. I stayed in my apartment licking my wounds and mourning my loss. I couldn't report him for rape because then everyone would know my secret. However the month after Jude left, I realised he didn't actually leave me alone. Not only had he left me with scars, Jude's seed had planted in me and I was one month pregnant with his child. The decisions I had to make then. I moved out from my apartment so he wouldn't come back to find me. Then I had to make a decision about the baby. Abortion was the first one and I could organise a hysterectomy too. Getting rid of everything. Money was an issue before but now, I could go to family planning, join their clinic and get it done for free. I looked for a clinic that dealt with 'special cases' like mine and I found one close to where I now lived. I decided to go and check it out.
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'I sat down waiting for my appointment to see the doctor but while I was there I saw the people and their babies. So beautiful. I met a guy who was a transgender. He was born a woman and became a man but kept his female organs. He was now six months pregnant with his wife by his side. This was truly an eye-opener and so amazing. I never knew there were people out there like them or like me and I then they walked in. This beautiful couple holding their baby. They saw me staring at them and they began to talk with me. When I confessed to them that I was pregnant, they smiled at me and I was shocked. The lady told me that she was a guy before and that she was just like me. However, she decided to become woman and a mom. I had so many questions for them and they sweetly answered them all. Of course they said everything was my choice but they noted that they never regretted the decision that they made to have their baby.'
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Matthew continued his story saying he decided not to abort his child and went full term. He stayed at the clinic getting the proper medication and advice for him towards becoming a mother. His child was born and they both were in good health. He was now single and raising his daughter on his own. He said she was the best thing that ever happened to him. The situation that led to her conception, though it was horrible for him to experience, led him to his pride and joy. He even thanked Jude, wherever he was, for playing that part in his life towards receiving happiness.
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HOPE! There was hope for me. Hope for Jungkook and myself. I looked at the source of the article and made a note of the author and publishing address. I needed hard-core proof and Matthew's story I believed was one of many. People like me were definitely rare to find as I'm sure they would want to remain anonymous like Matthew. But then there were also people who wanted to make themselves different and would have surgeries to change their genders. Those surgeries cost in the hundreds of thousands and I couldn't believe that there were people out there who willingly made themselves this way. Gosh what I would do to be 'normal'. Yet there were people who wished they were born like me. My mother called me a freak of nature but God made me this way and he doesn't make rubbish.
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I needed to talk to couples like the one Matthew encountered at the clinic. So I decided to put my plan into play. But doing that would mean, leaving Jungkook behind. Of course I didn't want to end our relationship but I needed to go out there and find myself and that would take time. I hope I could find the answers for us to continue being a couple. I don't want to say it would be easy for Jungkook to decide but it was literally my body that would be going through all those changes. If I decided to do that then I needed to make sure I know what I was getting into. So I decided to leave. I stayed on the computer for a bit to get more information then went quickly and quietly to take out some of my clothes and put them into my travel bag with some of my toiletries and my phone. Jungkook apparently had put it back in its place and he even cleaned up the mess I made in the storeroom. He always took care of me so now I was going to help take care of us.
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While I was packing, Jungkook stirred. I didn't want to leave him without saying goodbye so I was thankful that he was getting up. "Jimin... Jimin! Where are you?" He felt around the bed and then sat up and saw me sitting down on the edge. He came up to me and hugged me. "Are you okay, baby? You fell down again." Then he looked around and saw my travel bag, "What are you doing? Why are you packing a bag?"
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I answered him with the truth hoping that he would forgive me, "I'm going by my dad's. I need to talk with him about our situation."
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"Oh okay. Well I'll go with you. Let me drive."
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But I stopped him, "No Jungkookie. I need to do this alone. I'll call you when I reach. Okay?"
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He paused and looked totally disappointed when he nodded his head. "You won't be gone long would you? You'll come right back."
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"I don't know Jungkook. I need to know a few things about what really happened and how much treatment I really got back then. I need to know and weigh my options."
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"But why are you packing a bag? OMG, Jimin. You're leaving me aren't you?"
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FUCK... I couldn't hide from him at all. How could he possibly know me so well? Universe, stop playing with me. "Jungkook. I need to know what to do about me before we could decide what to do about us. I'm not leaving you, I'm just going to find out my possibilities but I don't know how long it will take. Please let me go." But I knew my beau. He wasn't going to give up that easily. I stood up with my bag in my hand.
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"NO! DON'T LEAVE ME PLEASE. I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE. JIMIN... PLEASE!"
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"You're not going to be alone. I'll call you every day. And there are going to be people here to help you."
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"I DON'T FUCKING WANT OTHER PEOPLE! I WANT YOU! We're in this thing together, Jimin. Please don't separate us. PLEASE!!!"
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Jungkook took the bag off of my shoulder and hugged me tightly. He held my face in his hands and guided my lips to his. I felt his tears falling as he kissed me and then his hands moved swiftly to take off my clothes. I don't know why but I immediately thought of Jude and his brutal quest of his curiosity.
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"Jungkook, No!"
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Jungkook literally froze and then I felt his body trembling, "What do you mean, no? Jimin. I want to feel you. I want to make love to you. Don't you want me anymore? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?"
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I held on to my baby's arms and I literally shook him hard. "JEON JUNGKOOK! YOU LISTEN TO ME AND LISTEN TO ME NOW!!!"
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He was still crying but he looked down at my face. I did what he did to me a few seconds ago, I held his face, wiping his tears and I kissed him, calming him down. Then I spoke, "Oh my love. I love you so much. I want to do everything with you and be everything for you but there's something that I need to do first. Jungkook. I need to find myself. I need to do this. If I don't do this then I'll be lost forever. I'll always wonder, doubt and regret not finding out what I really want for myself. I need to know if I can do this. You need time too. You said so yourself. So take this time to decide what you really want for yourself and us. In my journey I hope to find a way to come to terms with whatever decision you make."
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"I don't understand..."
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I paused and said, "I need to find out if I'm okay with being either a man or being a woman. I need to talk with people who have made these life changing choices and see if I could live like that with you. I want to hear their stories and learn from their mistakes so we wouldn't have to go through some of them. Let me go, my love. Let me go to make things better for us."
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Jungkook cries stopped and he asked, "So why can't I go with you and hear their stories for myself too?
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"You've now started your job, baby. You can't take time off but I could. Production is finished and it's just the planning stages for the premiere which is not in my department. My work is done for that project while yours has now begun for you. This thing that I'm doing might take a while and I can't put a time stamp on it."
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"Are we breaking up?"
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"No. We're just taking some time to figure out what we really want."
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"But I want you. I've always wanted you and I always will."
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I sighed, "Can you say for sure, you're okay with me being a woman? For me to go through those surgeries and change my hormones? Or can you say for sure you want me to be a man to regret a few years later not making babies with me?"
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He looked at me in shock. Finally he whispered, "No... I can't. I need..."
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And we both said, "Time".
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Jungkook held my face and then said, "Promise me that you won't make any decision to change yourself without hearing my answer. Promise me that you're not going to do any surgery or take any chemical that will change you. Promise me Jimin."
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I looked at him and nodded, "I promise you I won't make any permanent changes to myself without consulting you first. I promise!"
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Then he did the weirdest thing ever. He held my hand and pulled me with him to our dressing table. He took out his pocket knife from his drawer and made a small cut on the bottom of his ring finger on his left hand. Then taking my left hand he cut the same finger.
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"Ouch! Jungkook-ah. What kind of kinky ritual is this?"
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I chuckled but he was serious when he put our hands side by side and said, "Now we're going to make a blood promise to each other. I promise to you Jimin, to figure out what I really want and allow you to find yourself while I the same. Do you promise me Jimin?"
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He held my hands and waited. I nodded again, "I promise to you Jungkook, to find myself and not to make any changes concerning my body without your consent," and with our vows, he intertwined our hands so our blood could mix. Then I opened up his hand and licked the blood from his finger.
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"Oh Jimin..." and he did the same for me.
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It was hard to deny myself his love and hard for me to tell him no so we made love. Although I knew he was curious about my 'vulva', Jungkook didn't make it an issue. He didn't look down at the area or touch me there. I knew he was making a deliberate effort to keep away from it even though I knew it was killing him inside to see and feel it. He made love to me as we would normally do so after when we were lying down in each other's arms, I took his hand to guide him below.
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"No Jimin, you don't have to," he protested gently but I knew he wanted to know.
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I remembered Jude and how he forced himself on Matthew. But my Jungkook was definitely not a monster and I thanked God so much for that. Jungkook really loved me and didn't want to make me feel uncomfortable. But I wanted to show him. I needed to show him. "It's okay, my love. If I can share this with you, then you really have all of me."
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And he relaxed his hand as I let his fingers touch me in the area hidden just below my testicles.
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"You feel this? And this?" And I let him feel the area they used my skin to cover me.
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"Mmm hmm," he acknowledged.
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It was so weird to do this with someone but this was my Jungkookie and now I could finally say that I totally trusted him. "That's where they covered it."
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He looked at my face and asked, "But do you get any feeling there? Any sensations?"
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"I don't really know..."
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Then Jungkook did something so awesome. He gently rubbed the area with the tips of his fingers and I felt so fucking alive.
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"Ooooohhhh..." I moaned. I definitely felt that.
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He looked at me as he touched me. Then he asked, "Can I... see it?"
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I nodded and he went down on me but not to service my dick but to love my 'female' area. I opened my legs wider and felt his fingers again. Then when his tongue and lips touched me, I exploded.
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"Ohhhhhhhhhhhh Fuckkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!" I couldn't help it. It felt so fucking good. He pressed gently and I grabbed on to his arms. "OH GOD! JUNGKOOK!!!!!"
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"Oh baby... You like this, don't you?"
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"Ohhhhh... ahhhh yes... yes... YES!!!"
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Then while his thumb and tongue caressed my 'vulva' area, he pushed his middle finger inside of my butt hole. My eyes rolled back in such sweet pleasure. Then he came up to my face and I felt his lips on mine. He continued stroking me and my lover made me come from just fingering me. OMG! Thoughts of being aroused and fucked as a woman brought a feeling I never thought I could have experienced. EVER!!! BLISS!!! I wasn't sure what time of day is was, when it was or what I was going to do... I was in such an ecstasy. Just hearing Jungkook chuckling and feeling him sucking my ear while hugging me in such delight made me want to squash everything I had just planned. But I had to go.
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Jungkook held on to me tighter when I finally told him that I needed to go. He reluctantly released his hold on me and sat watching me as I dressed. I had to hold my tears as he began to softly sing our song, 'Lost Stars'. I felt his fingertips caressing my back, my thighs and a few pulls on my pants leg. He was so sweet and adorable even in his sadness of me leaving. When I was fully dressed, I turned to him and he came up to me and grabbed me into his arms to kiss me full on my lips. Finally he released my lips but still keeping me tight in his arms.
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"Jimin... I love you," he cried in my neck.
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"I love you, my Jungkookie..." and painfully coming out of his arms, I took up my bag and walked away.
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I looked back at him. Eyes of love and pain looking at me. This wasn't a family vacation. It wasn't work. It wasn't a meeting. This was my journey to finding myself. To make me better for me, for him and our future together. I didn't know how to leave. How to leave those arms, those eyes, those lips? I didn't know how to leave him but I did. I walked to the elevator and I cried when the doors shut. I cried going down the shaft and when I walked towards the car. But as the keys rattled in my hands as I attempted to open the car door I felt the arms of warmth and love coming around me. He was panting.
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"Jungkook???" My voice sounding hoarse as I blinked back my tears.
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"You... you can't leave. Not yet..." He turned me around to face him and tried to give me something from his hand.
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"Did you just run down the flight of stairs? Jungkook that's fifteen storeys of stairs."
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"I don't care. You need this," and when I looked down it was the first amethyst I had found in the cave. He opened my hand and put it in my palm. "Look at it every day and think of me. Think of when we found it; our first kiss; the first time we made love. Think of me when you look at it, Jiminshi and I'll be with you, in here," and he pointed at my heart.
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I nodded and wrapped my arms around his neck, "I will, Jungkook-ah. I will always think of you and our love."
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Then he began kissing me all over my face and wiping away my tears with his hands and lips. God I love this man and I knew for sure that he loved me too because he finally let me go.
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