[Jungkook]
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I couldn't believe it. I thanked God that Jimin was okay but then he wasn't okay at all. When I scrambled up into the apartment and found him rocking back and forth I was happy but scared. Something did happen but not what I expected at all.
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I saw the reason why I couldn't reach him. His phone was lying on the floor in pieces. The back was open and the battery was out. One mystery solved but now for the other. What was making him like this in the first place and then I saw it. The drawing I did of him that night I had the dream of him and us. When I did it I never thought to show it to him. I knew how touchy he was concerning his mother and sister that I didn't want to upset him. Even when I had watched the documentary his dad did about his mother, I never told Jimin that I watched it. When he first told me about it, I had only watched certain parts. And thinking about it, I only watched the entire film after I met his dad and brother and that was a few weeks after my dream. Plus it was in black and white. There was no colour in it at all.
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Then it really hit me! SHIT! Jimin changed himself so he wouldn't look like his mother. That was his secret and I had dreamt Jimin exactly like that. I must admit it did look suspicious almost as though I was secretly looking into his past but I wasn't. We were in our storage room having our first heated discussion as a couple. His secret was out and now to deal with the aftereffects of the explosion.
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"Jimin I really didn't know how you looked before. I never saw any pictures of you. I can't explain how I did that."
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"So how do you explain the images of my mother or my sister? You have never seen them before."
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I confessed, "I watched the memorial documentary your dad did for your mom."
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"YOU DID WHAT? You watched that and didn't tell me?"
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"Yes and I'm sorry. I wanted to see who you were from your family's eyes and what you had gone through back then. Whenever I tried talking to you about her, you kept brushing it off so I told myself to leave it be and I never pursued it again. I didn't even look up her other movies."
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Then Jimin pointed out, "But the documentary, the entire film was in black and white. How could you know the colour of her eyes? The colour of mine?"
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I couldn't answer but that, "Maybe the universe was trying to tell me..."
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But Jimin laughed though not a happy one, "HA! The universe told you and gave you exact details that my sister had brown eyes and my eyes were blue as my mother's. That's so unbelievable, Jungkook. Tell me, who are you working for? The FBI? The CIA? Or maybe 'The Times' or maybe 'People' magazine?"
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"What? What are you talking about?"
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"Come on Jungkook that kind of information must have been given to you. You obviously went searching up information on me and my family. Was it a crazed fan? Is it for a news article? Are you going to get some big fat bonus if you solve the mysteries of the suicide actress and the mess she left behind?"
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I was still confused, "What..."
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"WERE YOU HIRED TO SEEK ME OUT? You told me that you knew me from before I met you. You applied to my university, you sort me out and you made sure we connected. You were the 'seeker' and you 'conquered' me. Was that your plan all along? Are they paying you to do this so you could ruin my family and ruin me? Is it like the movie 'Mr. Deeds' and you're Winona Ryder trying to get dirt on me?"
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"Jimin I don't know what the hell you're talking about. This isn't a movie and no one hired me. I'm not working for anyone. Why would you think that? Because I drew you and a woman and girl who look like your mother and sister? I only drew what I saw. I've done this many times. You know this. I've told you about my previous drawings but if you think I'm lying go ask my mother, my father and Suki. They will all tell you about my dreams and drawings. I've drawn pictures of Jon as a young man and all grown up. But he never was. I drew him like that because I saw him like that in one of my dreams. You can't fault me for that."
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"Jungkook I don't know what to think but the images are too uncanny. They are exactly what we looked like. How could you be so accurate? HOW COULD YOU KNOW THIS?"
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"I DON'T KNOW!!! OKAY!!! I DON'T KNOW!!!" I shouted at him, something I had never done before. Jimin looked afraid for the first time in our relationship. I immediately tried to calm the fuck down to make him feel safe.
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"Jimin... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have shouted at you but you're not listening to me. I don't know why I did it but I did. I should've shown it to you before and asked you to explain my dream. I should've trusted you with this. But if this was the secret you were keeping from me, I can understand and live with it. You were young and you didn't want to see your mother in you so changing your appearance is okay. I can surely live with that."
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But then Jimin bent his head and he began to cry again. I tried to come up to him but he stopped me, "No... don't touch me... I'm not who I say I am."
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OMG!!! He just told me not to touch him. He had never been like this before but then this was his secret. I couldn't hold it in. I was so scared of losing him that I started to babble, "Jimin changing the colour of your eyes isn't bad. Expensive probably. I don't know how you did it but it doesn't make you who you are. Yes they are a part of you but just a part you didn't want to be reminded of anymore and that is fine."
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"Jungkook..."
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"I love you, brown or blue eyes, black or blonde hair. It doesn't matter to me. I love you and I will love you even if you dipped your hair in a rainbow and painted it all the colours of the world."
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"Jungkook..."
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"Please Jimin. I'm okay with it. We can talk more about the way you feel about your mom. We could go see someone professional to help us..."
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"JEON JUNGKOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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I stopped and looked at him. He was trying to tell me something and I was just nervously babbling. I shut the hell up and let him talk.
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"It's more than just my hair or my eyes."
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I looked at him, "What do you mean?"
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Jimin's rocking came back and he zoned out for a bit but I waited. What the fuck was he talking about? What more could there be? After what seemed like forever, Jimin finally opened his eyes and when he looked at me, I saw the magnitude of his tears falling down. OH FUCK! We were at eye level as I was on the floor just like him and I was edging my way to be close enough to touch him. I wanted to hug him so badly, to wipe away his tears but I kept my distance. He told me not to touch him. But Jimin's sobs were echoing inside my entire body and I felt the tears falling from my own eyes. However, seeing that he was making me upset too, actually calmed him down a bit. And finally he told me his darkest secret. The Real Secret.
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"Jungkook, please don't cry. It's not your fault. This has nothing to do with you. It's all me." He paused for a brief moment and took a deep breath. Then looking into my eyes he confessed, "I was born... with a condition." He paused and continued, "It's called, 'Hermaphroditism'. When I was born, the doctors who delivered me saw it and they gave my parents the choice but they didn't want to change me. My parents decided to keep me just as I was. A freak! In their argument that I overheard after Jane death, my mother didn't say I was nothing. Her exact words were, 'Jimin is a freak of nature...'
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Wait... I knew that term. I tried to beat my brain to remember my Science lessons. I was so confused that I wasn't thinking straight so I asked him, "What is herma...?"
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"Hermaphrodite. I was born with both male and female sexual reproductive parts. In modern recent times though, people would use the term, 'Intersex' even though they are two different conditions but closely related."
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WHAT THE HELL? I WAS SHOCKED BEYOND WORDS!!!
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I had heard that term before. Intersex. That meant Jimin was a boy and a..... Girl. No. No. That couldn't be true, "But... I've seen you naked. We've made love countless times. I've never seen anything of the sort. You have a beard too. You shave just like me..."
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Jimin looked scared as shit but he continued, "Please, just let me explain. I was born with both inner and outer male reproductive organs as well as female reproductive organs. However, the choice my parents made to let me live with both, really messed me up. Basically they wanted me to experience all sides of being male and female and that when I got older that I would decide who I wanted to be." He paused again then confessed, "I wanted to be just like my mother. I loved being a girl to dress up with her and pretending to be her but there were times when I just wanted to be a boy and do things like my brother. Back then Jin didn't know about my condition, neither did Jane. My parents never told them so to my siblings, I was a boy. I was too young to see my menstruation so being a boy was easier but I loved being a girl like Jane and mom. Then one day I saw my mother combing Jane's hair and then I realised they kept her hair long but mine short like Jin's. They made me wear boy clothes while Jane wore the frilly dresses. You see, my mother had decided in her mind that I was really supposed to be a boy so then that meant that Jane was technically her only daughter."
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I was hearing Jimin but it was hard for me to swallow. This is something big. REALLY BIG! Now I understood his secrecy but more importantly now I understood why he didn't want to tell me. He thought he was lying to me about who he really is. Technically, he was.
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He continued to explain more, "When mom killed herself, I literally freaked out. I hated her and what she did. I couldn't see myself in the mirror anymore because I only saw her. I broke the wall mirror in my bathroom with my bare hands so my dad had all the mirrors in our house removed so I wouldn't hurt myself. I continued living as a boy and tried to do everything as a boy would but I loved ballet. I loved dancing, singing and acting. Every day I was becoming more and more like my mother. When I got my period I freaked out again and got into trouble at school. One day one of my classmates saw me with a tampon and asked me if I was a girl because he only saw his sister with things like that.
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"I beat him to a pulp and mashed up all the mirrors in the boys' bathroom. I was eleven years old. After that my dad paid to hush everything. He lied and said that I found the tampon from one of his sets and I was just curious about it. He paid all the boy's medical expenses and even put a trust fund for him. The mirrors in the school were replaced and they also got some new electronics for each classroom and new sports equipment. My dad spent a mint and more to fix my mess and to fix me. I told him that I had made my decision. I wanted to be a boy and not a girl. Being a girl was causing too much trouble; too much pain. Plus I wanted nothing of my mother in me again. So I did it. A year after, I closed up all my girly parts and I've been under medication to increase the male part of me."
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I couldn't move. It was so much. Too much to take in right now. Then I remembered something, "Jin..."
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"Yes we had to tell him. He was distraught but he understood. That's why he tried to do more boy stuff with me."
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I remembered Jimin speaking about the time Jin showed him the porn but then I remembered when they were arguing about me, "The last time Jin was here, he said something about us having children and about you making a choice. What he was talking about?"
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Jimin sighed, "Jin was trying to convince me to tell you about me being female. That we could live as a 'normal' couple. He wants me to make the change to become a woman so we could have a family. I told him I had made up my mind to permanently get rid of my womb, uterus and ovaries."
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"Wait... YOU'RE STILL A GIRL?"
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He sighed again, "I never did the hysterectomy. I kept my internal organs but they temporarily sealed the areas for my eggs to fertilize. So I don't have my period anymore and the area where my vagina is, was closed with extremely good surgery. They took part of my skin from my leg and covered it. So without getting rid of my vulva they just covered it up."
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"Your vulva?" God I was feeling so dumb right now. I couldn't think straight at all.
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"The area where my vagina and clitoris is."
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I wanted to see it to believe it but I didn't think Jimin was going to let me really be Nurse Jeon to do that kind of inspection. I was fucking curious and also fucking confused. I rocked back to the wall of the room and just sat down with my legs bent and my head bowed on my knees trying to take everything in.
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Jimin was a girl and a boy. Even his name. His parents gave him a unisex name but in Korea it was more considered a girl's name. Living in the US it didn't matter. GOD! FUCK! His mother did a real number on him. She had Jin but also wanted a girl. So when Jimin was born male/female she tried making him into a girl. Unfortunately after Jane was born and she finally had the official girl she wanted, she forgot about Jimin. Calling him a freak and wishing he had died instead. No child, boy or girl, should hear their mother saying things like that. I wanted to kill her but she did that herself. Her guilt probably aided her in that deed. Instead of trying to make things right with her and Jimin, she took the coward's way out and left this poor child to figure things out himself. His dad just tried to do his best to cover up all the 'mistakes' they made with Jimin.
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FUCK!
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I thought about the drawings I did. Now it looked as though I really knew his secret and didn't tell him. I looked up at him and told him, "Jimin. I'm not a reporter. I'm not a spy who's trying to dig up dirt on you or your family. I genuinely did not know anything about who you really were and what your mother did to you. I am so sorry you saw my drawings and thought I knew about your secrets. If I could do it over, I would've shown them to you. But I'm even more saddened and sorry that you had to go through that as a child and a young man growing up. I fully understand your hindrance about being close to people and I also understand why you were trying to protect me and our relationship."
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Jimin sat and listened but I needed time to think. Time to figure things out. "You mentioned about going to make things permanent. I can't... No, I don't know if you should be making that kind of decision right now. I love you and have accepted you as a man. A man I'm deeply in love with. But with you being female too... it changes things. There are so many pros and cons to it. I don't know what to think right now."
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We were silent for a bit then I heard him whisper, "Do you still love me?"
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"Yes, Jimin. I just said that. I'm still in love with you but I need for you to take my thoughts and my feelings into consideration before you do something drastic like removing your organs. Were you thinking of doing that because of me? Is it because I love you as a man that you want to fully be a man?"
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He nodded.
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That's why Jin was arguing with him, "Jin knew too, didn't he? He knew something like this you should let me be a part of the decision too..."
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He nodded but then he asked, "And what do you want?"
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"I DON'T KNOW... Sigh... Jimin... I really don't know. I need..."
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He nodded but I saw the tears, "You need to decide if you still want to be with me," he sobbed.
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Finally I got up and took him/her into my arms. Gosh even my pronouns were messing with my mind as well as my heart. "I still want to be with you but I need to know how I feel about this. I can't just decide right here and now. I need time. Do you understand?"
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"I understand," he sighed and even though I was holding him, Jimin didn't hold me back.
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I tilted his head up for him to look at me, "Jimin... I love you but I need time to think about it. To know and learn more about your condition."
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He nodded sadly again. I brought my head down to kiss him but he turned away. I froze. He's never done that before.
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I enquired softly, "Jimin... Don't you want to kiss me?"
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Jimin started shaking and his tears flowed profusely. I used my hands to hold him tighter and I began to wipe up his tears from his eyes and cheeks. Then he mumbled, "I'm... not feeling... good," and his eyes rolled back and he fell in my arms. I caught him and held him tightly.
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"JIMIN!!!"
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OH GOD NOT AGAIN!!!
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I realised now he was having anxiety attacks. Just like the time in the cabin and just like when he was a young child. SHIT! I quickly took up his limp body into my arms and carried him to our bedroom. I put him gently on our bed and I laid behind him. I kept my arms around him and pulled his back into my chest. I wanted so badly to kiss him but I remembered how he had pulled away from me. I would never do anything he didn't want me to do even if he was unconscious. We laid there for hours. I fell asleep and woke up. I called his name softly but all I could hear were the soft breaths of his slumber. He was still out. I caressed his arms and hair. I didn't give a fuck if he had blonde or black hair. But him having a womb that could change many things for us. What if we could have a baby naturally? Jimin would have to stop being a man and be a woman for us to do that. The question is, would he?
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Was his condition as a hermaphrodite mean he could reproduce? I didn't have all the information I needed. And if he could change, was Jimin ready to permanently be a woman? Can I ask him to make that kind of decision? I didn't have the right to make that decision for him. It wasn't my body. It was his. But the thought of us moving together and maybe getting married and of course having children made things different now. Jimin knew this all along. He knew he could be a woman and we could live as a 'normal' couple but he was going to rid himself of that. Why would he do that? Something big like this he should've told me. I could understand him hiding it from me when we first met but now that things were progressing with us and we were definitely getting more serious, he should've told me.
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'He's scared, Jungkook,' I heard my inner voice. 'He even told you that he was scared about what you would think when you found out'. And now that I know, I didn't know what to do. I was happy with him being a man. We were beautiful together but could we also be beautiful as man and woman? What if years from now when we want to have children, would this come back to haunt us? Adoption would always be a choice and I could live with that but what if I could really have a child of my own flesh and blood. A child with Jimin's DNA too. I actually loved that thought. To have our own child/children together. Wow! I never in a million years would've thought this was even possible.
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But doing that would mean... Jimin would have to change. Not just physically but emotionally and mentally. Would he dress himself as a woman? But more importantly, would he be able to see himself as a woman, like his mother? His dad's idea of getting rid of all their mirrors and doing all those changes only kept the fear inside of Jimin and not allowing him to face it literally. We needed help and professional help too. This was more than just me wanting Jimin to be pregnant with our baby, to nurse it and having people seeing him as a woman but would he be able to make that physical adjustment? Getting back his periods, growing breasts and ridding himself of his beard or worse his penis? Even worse than that was Jimin ready to face and fight that demon that his mother caused? Could he see himself as Jimin, a wonderful and caring woman and not see Lily, his selfish, cold-hearted and depressed mother?
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OH GOD! WE NEED YOU!
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