[Jimin]
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Jungkook had finally left to go to his last exam. 'GOSH! I thought he wouldn't leave.' I giggled. I loved the idea of him wanting to stay. There was no medicine or food that could make me feel as good as the arms and kisses of my baby. I knew he would do everything to make me feel better but he needed to take of himself first. And that meant leaving me alone and going to ace that paper.
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I was so proud of him. He worked hard in his final year and he allowed me to help him too. I made sure he was comfortable and prepared during his last year at the university. It was usually the toughest time with all the various assignments and tests to complete especially when you had bills to pay. Even though Jungkook was on a full scholarship, he shared an apartment with three other guys. They all had their own rooms with a toilet and bath but shared a kitchen and living area. However, they had to share the basic bills. Lights, internet etc. Jungkook's little part-time job at the campus library helped pooled his share with the upkeep of the apartment. His roommates more or less kept mainly to themselves but they were cool. Only one of the guys looked uncomfortable every time I came over to hang out with Jungkook, so we spent most of our time at my apartment.
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Jungkook and I talked a lot about him moving in with me. He was a bit sceptical at first not that he didn't want to be with me but he had made a commitment with his other roommates. He didn't want to just up and leave. So we decided that after official classes were finished that he would inform them that he was giving up his room and they would have to find someone else to help around. They were cool about it and when the time came, we went about moving his stuff.
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It was only when Jin had visited us that Jungkook had finally moved everything into my apartment. "Well our apartment now," I reminded myself as I headed towards the kitchen. Ugh! I hated being sick. The only joy I got from it was being in Jungkook's arms and having him take care of me. He was like a big 'Mother Hen'. Jungkook would make a great dad someday.
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Then I remembered Jin's words to me, 'Don't you think Jungkook would want to have children too? Don't make a decision like this that you'll regret later'. Making a family. Jungkook was a family man. He came from a great family-orientated unit. Why wouldn't he want to be a dad? But was I really ready to commit to being that support system with him? And knowing that I had the power of our relationship in my hands, just made me even more anxious and worrisome.
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We were doing things the right way. We courted, made promises to be exclusive and now we were living together. The next step: Marriage? Then: Children? Was I ready for that? Yes! Especially with Jungkook by my side but knowing what I did so many years ago that changed my life forever I began to doubt. Knowing that my life would've been totally different if I hadn't done what I did, was I about to make another mistake again? Back then I was a child in pain and a child who was lost but found his way back home. It reminded me of the parable in the bible of the 'Prodigal Son' Jungkook told me about. I was the prodigal son back then by coming back home and being accepted by my family. My big brother probably hated me back then but he came to terms with my decision. My forgiving father gave me everything I needed and wanted and he still was. It was all to make me happy. But was I truly happy?
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I ate my breakfast and took the meds. Jungkook messaged me that he had arrived and I replied with all my heart. We loved hearts. They symbolized our connectivity and our bumps. One of our bumps was Barbara his ex. She was still in love with Jungkook. I saw it in everything she did. After leaving us at Tae's party, Barbara went back home to 'live her life'. But she kept in contact with Jungkook. Nothing was wrong with that but it wasn't the kind of friendship one should have with an ex. To me it didn't look like she was moving on from him but was trying to keep him in. This was our first official 'fight' as a couple. A few months after officially dating, I had decided to seriously speak with Jungkook about his ex.
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"All I'm saying, Jungkook, is that she's not letting go of you and she needs to move on," I tried my best not to sound like a jealous boyfriend but a concerned individual of the emotional needs of someone who was hurting.
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"Jimin, Barbara and I are friends. She's moved on and started dating again. Haven't we been going out with her? Didn't we double date (DD) with Barbara and a dude a few weeks ago?"
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Jungkook was hearing but not listening. Plus he was seeing but not observing. "The guy's name was Brad by the way but did you really look at her at the movies?"
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"You're my boyfriend. Why would I be looking at her?"
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"Because her eyes were either fixed on you or our connections and not on her date. Jungkook, she's still in love with you."
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"Ugh! Not this again. Jimin... Barbara is not in love with me."
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"Yes she is."
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"No she isn't."
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"Yes! She is! And I can prove it."
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"HA! Okay then, show me," and he waited with a frustrated look on his face.
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I took out my phone, "Barbara is on Facebook. You guys are friends there. You message each other. Correct?"
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He nodded, "Yeah, but..."
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I put up my hand and he got quiet, looking at me with a silly expression on his face.
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I continued to explain, "She sent me a friend request which I accepted. But she has never sent me anything. Not mentioning me on any of her posts."
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"Well maybe she hasn't gotten comfortable with you yet," he shrugged his shoulders.
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"I think it's because she wants me to see that her messages are only for you."
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"What? That's not true Jimin."
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He doubted but I showed him, "Look, I'm going to her fb page. Let's look at all of her posts in the last few weeks."
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Jungkook looked at me puzzled, "People do that: look at other's people's home pages like this?"
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"Yup all the time. That way you'll know if you have a psycho or love-struck ex-girlfriend who only sends messages for you." He laughed but I showed him, "Jungkook, Barbara is a very beautiful, gorgeous girl and she has thousands of friends, male and female. Yet look at her posts. Only one person tagged in them." I looked at him. "YOU!"
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"Ah that's not true. I'm sure she wrote something for other people too."
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"My daft sweet wonderful boy. Nope. Look. Let's look at her history. Every day she's posted something with only your name tagged. Now you may think that's okay, it's just one post but some days it's more than one but not only that. Look at what she's posting. Memories of you two together. But that's not all, even if the memory isn't about the two of you, she finds a way to connect it to you. Look at this. A cute ducky. Nice but look at her caption, 'Hey Kookie, remember that time when we fed the ducks in the park? So cute.'
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Jungkook got quiet and looked at it, "I don't even remember this."
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"That my whole point, babe. You don't but she puts a lot of effort into reaching out to you every single day. Yet it doesn't really matter if you respond or not." I paused a bit and explained a little more to him, "I'm not jealous of this situation, Jungkook. I'm more concerned. For her."
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"What do you mean?"
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"She's going down a path of showing affections to someone who's not into her. She needs to let go and really move on. Even if she tells you or shows you that she's with someone else, why didn't she tag Brad or any other guy? That day when we did the DD thing. She wasn't focused on Brad but on you and on us. She's looking for someone to latch on to and she's hoping you'll respond."
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Finally he understood, "What do you suggest I do?"
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Jungkook took my advice and had that one on one talk with her. He said she cried when she confessed that she was still in love with him and wanted to be around him. He told her being together as friends is okay but right now it wasn't healthy for her because she wanted something he couldn't give her. He advised her to take time for herself and find who she really is. Focus on loving herself and then she'll fall in love again. Jungkook was so appreciative at what I did for her and thanked me for not being the crazy jealous boyfriend.
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Right now, in the present time, I stood looking out the window remembering our past. Today was very windy and chilly and I loved seeing the leaves moving around. I was starting to feel better as the meds were obviously working so I decided to take a walk outside. There was a small park area within our housing complex with benches and a play area with swings and slides for children. I decided to take a walk but I needed my coat.
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"Where is that thing? Ah! I think it's in the storage room."
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I went with my phone to the room but some of Jungkook's boxes were still in the storage room for him to unpack. He was so preoccupied with studying that he hadn't gotten around to unpacking those. 'Hmm. As I'm home maybe I could help him with that' I suggested to myself but after I take my nature walk. I wanted to feel the breeze flowing through my hair and cooling my skin. I saw my coat but there were a few boxes in front of it. While trying to reach the coat I accidently knocked over the top box and some of the contents inside fell out.
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"Shit." I bent down to pick them up thanking God that these weren't on his 'fragile' list. It was filled with books and papers. One of the books was his sketch pad. Jungkook was absolutely terrific at drawing, painting and anything artsy. I didn't think he would mind me looking at some of his sketches because he had already shown me some of his work. They were beautiful especially the ones with his brother Jon and his bicycle Lucy. But this pad had drawings I never saw before.
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I stood up to skim through the pages admiring the black and white feel of the drawings that had very little touches of colour to them. These were only pencil drawings that looked like he rushed to do them. One page had a few small sketches with scribbles and scratches while another had a beautiful picture of a woman. She had long black hair with blue eyes. The next page was a little girl with brown eyes and two long plaits. I paused and I felt the chills on my arms. I turned back the page to look at the woman again. The entire drawing was colourless except for the colour in her eyes. The same for the little girl. Uncanny but they look like...
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"No it can't be." I whispered out aloud but my instincts started buzzing all around me. My Spidey Sense.
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I turned to the next page and I saw an image of me looking up smiling. For this black and white image, the only colours were of the brown and yellowish hues of my eyes and my hair. I was happy in the picture. It was really captivating how well Jungkook drew my emotions. I looked back at the pages with the lady and the girl. Their faces. SHIT! It can't be them but it looked so much like them. I tried to remember if he ever saw what my mother and sister looked like. Jungkook knew about them but he had never seen what they looked like. Or at least that's what I thought because looking at these pictures I wondered if he did. I knew I didn't have any photos of them and when we had gone by my dad for Jungkook to officially meet him, I made sure that anything about them weren't on display.
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This was one of my demons. When I was younger, I used to get anxiety attacks by just seeing the images of my dead mother and sister. My dad had all their pictures taken down. There were no visual memories of them whenever I visited. So how would Jungkook know what they looked like? I went back to the page with the drawing of me. I smiled it was really nice but I got a worried sickening feeling deep down and it wasn't from the flu. There was no way Jungkook could know but I could see from the edge of the next page that he had something else drawn there. Hesitantly I turned the page and what I saw made my heart stop and my breathing cease.
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I couldn't think. My eyes moving around frantically at the image. My body couldn't stop shaking. My eyes watering. Everything squeezing tightly around me. My head spinning out of control... FUCK!
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NO! NO! NO!
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IT CAN'T BE... IT CAN'T BE FUCKING TRUE!!!!
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"HOW....." but I couldn't finish ask myself because my body started shaking and then I fell to the floor. The last images I saw before the darkness took over were of my phone falling to the ground and breaking apart along with the sketch pad with the page of a drawing of me with black hair and blue eyes. And as I fell to the floor the question that I couldn't finish would have been: 'How in the world did Jungkook draw the side of me that I had never shown to anyone?' The side that had remained hidden for years. He drew the real me.
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I didn't know how long I was passed out but when I awoke my eyes saw the last images before I fell. I thanked God I didn't hurt myself but it wasn't my physical body that was hurt. I sat up looking down at the image that was looking back at me. My body began to shake again and I started to cry. This image on the page was similar to the drawing on the page before with me looking up and smiling but in this one, I was sad and in tears. Also instead of my blonde hair and brown eyes, Jungkook had used a dark coloured pencil to make my hair black. This was surprising but it was the blue in my eyes that shocked the living daylights out of me. Why the fuck did he do that? Why did Jungkook make me look like that? How did he know that this was exactly how I looked?
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This was my secret but how could Jungkook possibly know this? How could he be so accurate? Was he spying on me? Who was he really? A reporter maybe trying to get a big story of the late Hollywood actress's children. Then I gasped. How much did he really know? I couldn't move from the floor. My entire relationship with him seemed like it was a set up from the very beginning. Him sorting me out at his orientation. Him asking for me to be his 'Big Brother'. Him being around me 24/7. But we fucked each other and he carried me home to meet his family. I met them, interacted with them. They seemed so genuine. Jungkook seemed genuine. But was this all a ploy? Our relationship going viral. Why would he do that if he was just trying to get information from me? Why would he make love to me?
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Was he really in love with me or was he acting? I'm the actor. I was the one portraying different characters yet it seemed as though I was the fool. 'Talk with him. Let him explain' I heard the voice in my head. 'So that he could lie to me again?' How would I know if he was telling the truth? I sat down on the floor for God knows how long just crying and looking at the mess I uncovered. Then I felt my Spidey Senses coming back. All the hairs on my arms raised. Jungkook was here. I could feel his presence. I always could.
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I heard him shouting out my name from the front door. He came back. I literally heard his voice moving and doors opening and closing around the apartment. He was looking for me but I remained where I was in silence. My body starting rocking now and the tears were still flowing. Finally I heard him gasping by the door.
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"JIMINNIE... OH THANK GOD!!! DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME? I'VE BEEN TRYING TO... reach you... for the past hour..." The pauses in his sentence told me he saw what was laid out before me. "What happened? Where did you get that?"
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I felt his presence right behind me. I wanted to scream and shout at him. I really tried to keep myself as calm as best as I could but I couldn't, "Where did I get this? It fell from one of your boxes." I was angry, mad, upset, confused and hurt and I knew he felt and heard it in my voice. He came around to face me but keeping a distance. The paper and my phone between us. I saw as he touched a part of my phone. My eyes were focused on the drawing making me get even madder.
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Then he tried to talk with me, "Jimin, look at me. Jimin... look at me please... sigh. These are my sketch pads."
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"I CAN SEE THAT BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?" My anger getting the best of me as I flung the pad with the image of the blue-eyed Jimin towards him.
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I felt his nervousness so I looked at him. I wanted to see if he would tell me the truth or lie. His voice was jagged when he spoke making me think he was really hiding something,
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"Jim... min... ahh... I drew this the night of Tae's party. The one where I carried you home. Remember?"
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"I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHEN YOU DID IT BUT HOW DID YOU KNOW TO DRAW ME LIKE THIS?"
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He hesitated. "It was in a dream I had."
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"A dream?"
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"Yes. That night I dreamt you were sitting next to me."
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"And I looked like this?"
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"Amm... No you looked like this," and I saw his hands shaking as he turned back the pages to show me the blonde brown-eyed Jimin. "This was how I saw you but..."
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"BUT WHAT?"
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He held his breath as he turned the pages, "I also saw this lady and this girl. I dreamt Jon and Lucy too. I saw the lady combing the hair of the little girl. You were looking at them and when they started to fade away, that's when you started to cry. In the dream, I didn't know who they were but thought they looked just like you. And when I woke up, I got the idea to... colour your hair and eyes like hers." He pointed at 'my mother's' image.
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OMG! I wanted to believe him so badly. I wanted to believe that by some strange chance that Jungkook without me telling him or him seeing images of how I looked as a child that it was all from a dream. It all sounded so unbelievable especially as he said it was over two years ago that he did this. The date he wrote at the bottom of the page confirmed he was right. It was the day before our first time together.
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Then he confessed to me, "Jimin I never told you but that night, after Tae's party, when I was carrying you up to your apartment, you were talking in your sleep. You called my name and asked me to kiss you. It was the first time I really felt you wanted to be with me. I guess knowing how much I wanted to be with you I dreamt you wanted me too. I invited you to the cabin with me as a friend but not thinking you really had feelings for me. I took a chance and it worked out."
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I tried to process everything but I still had doubts, "Jungkook I'm kinda having a hard time understanding something. Yes we secretly had feelings for each other. We felt the attraction and we were probably going to kiss or make out sooner than later. But what I'm confused about is not the feelings we had back then but how could you know to put my hair black like this and colour my eyes blue?" I paused and looked directly into his eyes. He was almost on the verge of tears. Were they real or fake? God help me.
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He was about to give me his answer when I shocked him with mine, "Jungkook, this is the exact image of me before I changed. This is my secret. I've been hiding who I really am. My hair was black and my eyes were blue just like my mother."
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He paused obviously thinking about what I just revealed and then he asked softly, "But why the secrecy and why change yourself?"
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"BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO BE HER!!! Every time I looked in the mirror I only saw her. I HATE HER!!! SHE RUINED OUR LIVES!!!"
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Then I took a few breaths and calmly tried to explain some more to him, "After Jane died. I overheard my mother and father arguing. They were fighting over me. My dad was telling my mom to stop ignoring me and that I needed her love too. He said, 'Why are you doing this to Jimin, to all of us? You've stopped loving us and you're holding on to a guilt that will only harm us, harm Jimin, Lil.' Do you know what my mother said, 'I wish it was Jimin and not Jane who died. Jane was special and beautiful. Jimin is...'
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I paused and cleared my throat, "Ahem. She said I was...nothing. You see Jungkook, my brother looks like my dad, I looked like my mother but Jane was her own person. She looked like a combination of them both and to my mother, Jane was the best of us all. Losing her was losing the best thing my mom ever created. Jin and I were just extras, Jane was the star. My mother wished it was me who died and not..." I paused and then finished the sentence, "...not her precious daughter."
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