Maude
For the first time since Maine, it feels like Harry and I are on the right track. We never have been this settled in our relationship before, and it makes me excited to know that this week was almost like a dream.
I think a lot of it has to do with how Harry has opened up to me in the last week. Lance and dad coming around forced him to be honest with me about his past relationship and reservations toward my family. Now there really aren't any secrets between us, and he's able to be open to me when he feels he's reverting back to the man he was when he was with Gia.
Have things been completely perfect? Of course not, but that's normal. It's not like the constant fighting and turmoil that plagued us a few weeks ago. We've opened up this new line of communication, and a mutual trust that has allowed our relationship to blossom. It's the reason I was able to move some things into a drawer at his place on Wednesday, and why I now have my own toothbrush sitting next to his in his bathroom.
And in those few days, my love for him has grown tenfold. It was hard to admit that what I was feeling was even love to begin with, but there's no other word to describe it. It's not lust, I don't just want him for his body. It's not infatuation. It's love and I don't think I've ever felt that toward a person before. At least, not romantic love.
Harry is just so amazing in every way, and I want him to know how deeply I feel towards him. I know it's probably idiotic of me to be falling so hard for a man that I shouldn't even be seeing, but it's impossible when he's honestly my soulmate. I can't imagine a world where I don't fall for him, even if we can't be together.
It's not lost on me how stupid we are for getting so deep into this relationship. Maybe it should have just been restricted to meaningless sex. Maybe it should have ended before it even began like we tried to do. But all those thoughts just lead me to one conclusion; this happened for a reason and we were never meant to be apart. All the circumstances that lead to us being together were planned from the start and we've been like magnets fighting to connect since the beginning of time.
How else do you explain how intertwined he is with my family, even before we met? There were so many chances before law school where I could have met him or at least known about him, like some forces of the universe were trying to get us together. And now here we are, unable to tear ourselves apart.
I wish I could tell someone, anyone about us, but it's just not a good idea yet. Once the semester is over maybe then I'll at least tell Cassidy about it. I'd just have to pick my words carefully since I already know how she would feel if she knew about us being together now. Plus I already lied to her about not being with Harry and that just wouldn't go over well. I know to everyone I would look weird for dating a professor, but Harry did say he might be taking time off teaching after this semester until the case is over so it wouldn't be as weird.
At the end of the day, I know what we're doing is wrong and we can get into a lot of trouble if we get caught, but I'm at the point where I trust whatever comes next with him. A guiding force led me to him, it has to be meant to be.
Looking down at my textbook, I finally realize that I haven't been paying attention to this study session in the slightest. Charlie, Cassidy and I decided to stay an extra hour after Violet, Ben, and Kayla left. Charlie and Cassidy wanted to go over something for Niall's class, and I just needed to pass time before going to bring Harry dinner at his office.
As I'm silently hoping neither of them noticed I disappeared into my own head, Charlie nudges my shoulder. "Earth to Maude? You can't actually be reading that thing."
My head shoots up as I look between the two, and already Cassidy is giving me a questioning look. She knows me too well which has definitely proven to be an obstacle these last few weeks. "Sorry, I was just thinking about stuff, what were you saying?"
Cass raises an eyebrow, silently asking if I'm okay but I nod once, running a hand through my hair as I sit back in my chair. She takes a second, trying to decide if she believes me before sitting back herself. "We were saying that Professor Horan is a pretty lax grader so we probably don't have to be too worried about small things like we do with Professor Alcott, which is weird since they're married."
Charlie laughs, "It makes sense though, they're both so different. It's hard to see how they can successfully be married."
I can't help but smile, thinking about how different Harry and I are. He's definitely a worrying control freak, who likes order and discipline. He's by the book and would rather spend the night in doing work than going out and having fun. I'm the exact opposite, letting my impulses guide me to whatever is fun and good for my soul. Yes, I do my work and keep up with school, but the constant mess in my room is proof enough that I'm nothing like Harry. And yet we can't live without each other.
"I think it's sweet." I shrug, looking down at my textbook page. "The whole opposites attract thing, it makes sense."
Cassidy scoffs, "Yeah, well sometimes I feel like Noah and I are too similar."
I smile more, looking at her, "Well you spend so much time with him. It's inevitable that you start finding similarities. But to everyone else you're such opposites, but you complete each other and complement the other. It's like Professor Alcott and Professor Horan, they're opposites, but they got married for a reason."
My eyes playfully roll as Charlie wraps his arm around my shoulder, pulling me in. "Maude and I are opposites. She's studious and I'm the idiot she gives answers to."
"That's not what she meant, Charlie." Cass reminds her, and we all laugh at the exchange. Slowly we get back to focusing on studying, but it doesn't take long for a text to steal my attention away.
Hi lovie, think I can steal you away tonight?
I fight back my smile at the affectionate nickname and bite my lip as I look over at Cassidy. "Hey, do you need me at the apartment tonight?" I ask, praying she says no.
She thinks for a second but shrugs, "Don't think so, why? Is the stormtrooper requesting yet another booty call?"
Charlie's face scrunches up. "You're still entertaining that guy? Who even is he, you never said?"
"He is a nice guy that I have just been casually hooking up with. It's safe and you'll know about him when I'm ready to talk. But yes, the stormtrooper wants to hang out tonight and I wanted to make sure it's okay with you before I dip, Cass." I look over at her, smiling ever so gently.
"Maude, you're literally an adult and I'm not your mom. Just go have fun, but be safe. And you better fess up about who he is soon because I'm not gonna be able to help find you if he ends up being a kidnapper or some psycho." She warns, giving me a threatening finger.
Rolling my eyes, I pick up my phone and let Harry know that I'll be there. It actually works out great since I'm going to bring him dinner and then we can just leave from his office to his place. Charlie and Cassidy keep talking about the importance of dating safety and how I could get sold off to another country for sex trafficking or murdered, but little do they know I'm more than safe with Harry.
Putting my phone back down, I smile over at the two of them. "I appreciate how much you both care about me, but trust me, I am very safe. I just don't want to jinx anything yet. Now, do we think we're done or do we need to go over anything else?"
"I'm done, I can't focus now." Charlie shrugs, shutting his textbook. Cassidy nods, "I think we're good anyways. If anything we could always text or meet up tomorrow."
We all pack up our things before heading out of the library. Cass and I say bye to Charlie as we go our separate ways, and it's quiet for a second before she decides to speak.
"You know I don't like not knowing who this is. And not in a best friend gossipy way. This isn't safe Maude. We have to know who you are with and where."
My heart pounds, and for a split second I consider telling her about Harry and being honest, but I quickly backtrack. "I know, and I will tell you, I promise. But Cass I swear I'm not just being reckless and lovesick. I'm extremely safe and he is extremely respectful. We just like hanging out together."
"Do I know him?"
I hesitate, but nod. "Yes. You know him."
"Are you hiding it because you know I won't like him?"
What does she know? I play it cool, shaking my head. "No not that. I mean, now you might not like him because of this whole mess of not knowing who he is, but he treats me really well. I haven't felt this good about a relationship in a long time."
Cassidy stops walking when we get to her car, turning to face me. "Maude, I trust you with this. You do seem a lot happier when you're talking to whoever this is, so I want to see the best in it. But I'm not going to deal with this anonymity for much longer. It stresses me out not knowing where you are."
She really knows how to lay on a guilt trip. I already feel terrible for lying to Cassidy on a daily basis about my relationship, but now she's making it even worse. The right thing to do would be to tell her about us, since I know even if she's disappointed in me, she won't go to the Dean like other students might. But in a way, disappointing Cassidy feels like a worse consequence than whatever the Dean could come up with. If I disappointed her, I don't know if I would survive it.
I pull her in for a hug, holding her tight in my arms as she wraps her arms around me too. "I promise I'll tell you. Just let me figure it out."
Cassidy is more than my best friend, she's my family. Quickly she took me under her wing when she figured out the toxic family dynamic I had and gave me a refuge. I've spent holidays with her and her family when my family stuff got bad, and she's seen quite a few of my breakdowns. She's never judged me or questioned my mistakes. All she's ever done is make me feel valid and safe.
I think that's what scares me the most about telling her about Harry and I. She already made it clear to me multiple times that it would be a bad idea. She's made it known she doesn't like the thought of us being together, and that he was probably using me to get to my family. I've promised her that I wouldn't hook up with Harry, let alone get into a serious relationship with him. There's no doubt in my mind that all my lying is crossing a line with her and she doesn't even know it yet.
"Keep me updated and let me know that you're safe please. Love you." She sighs, unwrapping her arms from me so she could get back in the car. I let her go too, nodding. "I will. Love you too." I watch as she gets in the car and starts to pull away, waving slightly as she drives off to go back home. Time to go see Harry.
Before going to his office, I stop by a local diner we like to order from and get our usual dinner orders. He loves the cheeseburgers they have, and I always get the chicken strips. Yeah I sound like a baby ordering chicken strips from a diner, but they're just so fucking good. Even Harry always steals one from my plate for himself.
It's so weird that he could just invite me over whenever he wants and I don't have to run to the house first to get a change of clothes. Now I just have stuff there. I wish I could offer him the same luxury and give him a drawer in my room, but I doubt he'll be too inclined to go back to my place anytime soon after Halloween. I have been stealing his clothes though, so I do have a cute little pile of his shirts and hoodies in my room. I wear them to bed a lot since they smell like him and I hate not sleeping in the same bed as him.
The walk from the diner to his office is quick, especially since I know he's probably getting ready to pack up and go home and I don't want to miss him. The last thing I'd need is for him to get to the apartment building and Cassidy sees him. As I pass by the faculty parking lot, I see his car so I know he's still here.
When I get down the hall to his office, the first thing I notice is the door is open. Not completely, but it's cracked open enough. He likes keeping his door closed. My brows furrow as I hear talking, and I move closer where I could see inside but he wouldn't be able to see me.
He's smiling, talking to Juliet from what I can gather. Not exactly my favorite person but she was grading his papers for him. I tell myself she's just a friend, repeating that sentiment in my head as I watch them hug. But before I could move out of the way so that when she leaves she doesn't see me, they're kissing.
My throat closes up immediately and I cover my mouth so they don't hear me. Without thinking I run, going as fast as I can so I can get away from the situation. I only stop when I get outside, feeling the urge to throw up as the image of the two of them kissing replays over and over in my head.
I told him she liked him, and he insisted they were just friends. But now I catch them kissing, right before he's about to come get me to bring me to his place. He initiated the hug, does that mean they've been seeing each other too? Did he label Gia the cheater in the relationship because she hooked up with Lance, or was he the one who cheated all along? He told me she was just a friend, I accepted that she was just a friend. But friends don't do that.
With my appetite gone, I start walking home, feeling sick to my stomach as Harry and Juliet kissing plays over and over like a bad movie. By the time I get to the apartment, it's sunken in to the point where the tears are starting. He kissed Juliet, knowing very well how I felt about her. He told me there was nothing to worry about. He lied to me.
Trying to pull myself together for a second, I walk through the door. As expected, Cassidy calls out from her room, asking who's there. "It's just me! Plans fell through but there's food if you want. I'm going to bed." I fight like hell to keep my voice from wavering as more tears fall down my cheeks. At least she's not in the living room.
"Oh, okay! Everything good?"
"Yeah! See you tomorrow!" I walk toward my room, going in and shutting the door before she comes out to see me in tears. Then she'll really ask what's wrong, and I might just tell her everything with how hurt and betrayed I am.
When I throw my phone on the bed, that's when I see his text.
Hey lovie, ready to go? Be there in a few.
It hurts more to see him ignore what just happened. No phone call saying they kissed, no urge to tell me the truth. I start to worry about how many times this has happened, if he's been seeing Juliet and I've been the side girl this entire time. My breathing gets shallow as I start to feel a panic attack coming on as more and more scenarios play in my head of the two of them together.
I grab my phone, opening it up to our messages together. He is not coming here after he just kissed her. I don't know when I'm going to see him again, but tonight is not going to be the time. I work fast, since in a few seconds I'm about to be huddled in the bathtub, trying to calm down. I should have expected he would cheat on me though, every guy does.
Can't. Cass and Noah are having issues and she needs me. Sorry.
I don't bother to see his response back, let alone reply to it. He's hurt me in the worst possible way. I thought he might have loved me, but clearly I was wrong. Lance was right. He always is. Nobody would ever want to be with a girl like me. Nobody could ever love a girl like me. I don't know why I ever thought Harry could be the exception.
***
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