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seventy nine

Maude

I never realized how much pregnancy affects a woman, even so early on. I didn't even notice how off I was, mentally and physically. The exhaustion just crept up on me, the mood swings were just my hormones being out of whack and not a result of the stress of the situation, and I just overall wasn't myself.

Having an abortion wasn't easy at all, with all the bleeding and horrible cramping, but it was the right choice. Cass was there every step of the way, making sure I had heating pads and plenty of food and water. By the next day I already felt like myself again. It felt like Maude re-entered my body, ready to move on and focus on finishing this semester the right way.

I've been trying not to think about the pregnancy, or even the abortion. Cass and I have been studying our asses off for finals, and she heads off to class if she needs to. But when I'm alone, my mind wanders. Wondering what could have been if Harry didn't break up with me.

It's scary to think I may have kept that baby if things played out differently. I wasn't in the right headspace to make a decision like that, but I would have. Everytime I picture this life of marrying Harry and having the baby, giving up law school for this family... I become more and more secure in my decision.

My life is just beginning. I have so much I want to do and accomplish before I even think about having kids. Harry's had a life. He's finished law school and worked his way to becoming a partner at a firm. He's become a professor. Just because he would have been ready to have a baby doesn't mean I should have forced myself to be ready too.

When I'm not thinking about everything my body was put through these past few weeks, I'm thinking about Harry. Mainly the breakup. How cold and cruel he was in that moment. A moment where I was the most vulnerable I've ever felt. I've ever been. I needed his comfort, I needed him to tell me everything would be okay. And yet in my scared and broken state, he told me he never wanted me.

Did we rush into an engagement? Yes.

We had the weight of the world on our shoulders, and no matter how hard we tried, it was impossible to keep up. But even though our end was inevitable, that doesn't mean my feelings for him weren't true. Maybe it was the pregnancy hormones fucking with my brain, but the love I felt for him was real and it was intense. Saying yes to him may have been a rushed decision, but I meant it.

I still want him, even though he doesn't want me. I want him to take me into his strong arms, I want to feel his chest against my back, his lips against my skin. I want him to comfort me, tell me that we'll be okay and this was all just a misunderstanding.

Yet those heart crushing words still play in my mind on a loop. How I was never more than a one night stand. How I just seek validation from men like him. How he doesn't love me.

The more distance I put between myself and the break up, the more I realize that I'm probably better off without him. I want someone who loves me as I am. Who respects the boundaries I put in place for us and won't try to mold me into this version of myself that he wants me to be. I know there has to be one person out there who will be the perfect guy, I just haven't met him yet.

This has all just been one big learning lesson, which is ironic since Harry's my professor. But in him breaking me, oddly enough I've started to heal. In falling apart, my life has started to come together. There's still a lot I need to work on and a lot more healing to be done, but I finally feel like I'll be okay. Things will make sense in the end.

I have my friends, I have my future, but most importantly, I have myself.

For now, I'm just going to focus on me. On my schooling, on my friends, on gaining experience in the field of law. I want to be as successful as my father is, but instead of helping out crooked rich people, I want to make a difference where it matters. Now is my chance to focus on my goals and dreams.