Office Hours |h.s|

sixty eight

Maude

Will walks over, passing me a mug of hot chocolate before sitting down opposite me on the couch. What started off as a study session for Norwood's class has turned into a therapy session. If being an attorney doesn't work out for him, I'm sure he'd do great as a therapist.

Last night has been weighing heavily on my mind and heart. Once again I turned to sex when it wasn't the best idea. A part of me hoped he would see that I was only turning to it for validation and comfort and that he would as a result turn me down and tell me everything was gonna be okay. It wouldn't have helped much, and I probably wouldn't have liked being turned down, but I needed that.

Instead we had sex and I just felt like shit about myself after. I couldn't even work up the strength to tell him I loved him. He deserves so much better than me, and that thought just kept rattling in my brain the entire night once his friends left. This morning was even more awkward than last night, and I all but bolted out of that house to get to Will's apartment.

Harry's been texting me throughout the day here and there, checking in for the most part to make sure I'm okay. I've been keeping my distance but making sure he knows that I'm fine and not upset with him.

It's the truth too, I'm not upset with him in the slightest. I'm upset with myself. Here I am, the stupid young girl who fell head over heels for the one man she can't have. He could promise me that he'll never leave me until he's blue in the face, but even I know the reality of our situation.

There will always be this aura of shame surrounding our relationship. If we were to come out of hiding, our closest friends and family would know the history there and the circumstances that lead to our meeting. People will make assumptions about us. That I'm trying to get ahead, that he's trying to get revenge on my brother. Rumors will fly, and we'll never get the luxury of getting to just be a normal, happy couple.

What couple would be able to survive that burden?

Of course I love Harry with all my heart, but what if the best thing for us to do is to end this? Between Lance's threats and his friends being quite obvious with their shock at my age and subsequent assumptions of our relationship, maybe we need to look at the bigger picture. I think it's pretty healthy to be worrying about this stuff instead of shoving it down and ignoring it until it blows up in our faces.

Will noticed pretty quickly that I wasn't paying attention to the study guide he was going over. Granted, Norwood's class is a breeze and the study guide he gave us is literally just a list of the exam questions and answers so I didn't really have to be actively listening as he listed off the answers. Still, he asked me what was wrong within the first thirty minutes of me sitting in his apartment.

"So, you met his best friends and he said they liked you, why do you think it didn't go well?" He asks, furrowing his brows as he settles into the couch with his own mug of hot chocolate. He put extra whipped cream in mine.

With a long exhale, I shrug, "Just, the way their faces dropped as soon as I said I was twenty three. And how Mitch's wife Sarah cornered me in the kitchen afterward and basically told me she knew I was his student and that it's none of her business. I don't know, the entire night felt weird."

"How old is Harry?"

Tilting my head back over the edge of the couch, I close my eyes. "Thirty four." I do not need to see his reaction to know that he's surprised. Harry definitely looks younger than he is, especially when he shaves.

"Well, uh, if he's saying there's nothing to worry about with them and his friends told him that they like you, maybe there's a different reason why you're a little skeptical right now."