Vote<3Comment<3Follow
As Addison lay, staring at his boyfriend's sleeping figure, he already knew that he had fucked up. And the lecture he'd get when Oliver awoke, would be well deserved.
Addison only had a few drinks the night before, meaning he knew exactly what happened, but the marijuana still left a hazy effect on his brain. He swears he could still smell it on his breath, and he hated it.
Oliver shuffled in his sleep and pulled Addison closer to his front. The boy's resistance must have woken him up, for his eyes soon opened, and he stared directly at Addison, "Good morning." Addison whispered, easing a slight smile on his face, "How'd you sleep?"
Oliver stared at him silently for a few moments until a frown tugged at his lips. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah. Are you?"
"I'm asking you, Addison."
Addison sat up and rested against the headboard before returning his gaze to Oliver, who swiftly followed suit.
"Do we have to talk about this right now?" He wasn't ready to speak about something he hardly understood.
Addison couldn't comprehend his sudden hesitance to do something he'd been looking forward to for months.
Or his sudden relapse on a drug he hadn't thought about for almost a year.
So if he couldn't get a stable grasp of his own feelings, how could he possibly get someone else to do the same?
"Yes--I mean no...Not if you don't feel comfortable talking about it, we don't."
Addison sighed and did the only thing he could think of doing at that moment: he tightened his lips and shrugged.
"Addison..." Oliver started cautiously, "Are you... you know?"
"Am I what?"
"...Are you suicidal--or depressed? If you are, you know you can talk to me about it, right? You know we all care about you, and we could get you help-"
"-Oliver-"
"-I'm serious, Addison. I wouldn't look at you any different if you had those kinds of feelings or thoughts. You know Brandon's mom is a therapist. I could get you in with her. I just need you to talk to me, please."
Addison let him finish his statement, knowing that there was no hope of interrupting him. Did he really think he was depressed? Is that how he appeared to him last night?
"...I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to you." Oliver took a deep breath after his talk and looked at Addison expectantly.
"Oliver, I'm not depressed...Just a little...overwhelmed? I don't know, I really don't. I'm sorry."
Oliver's shoulders fell in relief, but his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "Why are you apologizing?"
"Because I've been a nuisance lately with my feelings, and last night was...It was unacceptable."
"You're only a nuisance when you don't talk to me about it because then I feel like I've done something to make you think I'm not here for you. And I am, but I can't be when you don't let me.
And then you turn to the worst thing that you possibly could, Addison. You harm yourself with drugs and alcohol, and I don't want to see you tear yourself down like that.
I know to most people smoking weed isn't a big deal. But I also know you, and even though we weren't on the best terms last year, I will never forget about much you wanted to stop. I will never forget how proud you were when you finally did. So all I'm asking is, as your boyfriend and your friend, what stressed you out so much?"
Addison stared at him, his eyes dampening just a tad, but not enough for a tear to spill. Oliver's eyes were a little watery as well, and the look on his face was a mix of frustration and sadness.
Frustration that he hated to cause and sadness that Addison was shocked to see.
His own disbelief induced him to feel like an idiot. Of course, he cares, Addison. Why the hell did he put himself under the impression that he didn't?
Why does his mind constantly deceive him in the worst moments about the worst things?
"I just want you to talk to me." Oliver's face softened, and he stared at Addison with that same anticipatory look.
"Everything is changing." Addison finally spoke, "And I know that's not technically a bad thing, but it's all changing at once, you know?
We're going to college, Oliver. I'm leaving my parents--we're leaving Gabe, hell, Eli and Eve are moving to a different state. And I'm not ready for that..."
He felt stupidly dramatic for admitting it out loud. But deep down, he knows that he shouldn't, and Oliver knew too.
"You don't want to go?"
"Of course, I want to go--I'm going to go, Oliver. I'm just..."
"...Scared?"
Yes.
That's what he wanted to say, and that's what he thought he'd say, "No." he scoffed. "No, Oliver, I'm not scared."
Oliver's stare made him feel uncomfortable. He felt like he was stripping him of the faltering mask made up of dense and perseverant pride.
"Why are you looking at me like that?" Addison's voice wavered a bit.
"Why are you lying? Why can't you admit that you're scared, Addison?" Oliver's voice was firm but evenly soft. It felt like a magnet, actively drawing out all of Addison's poorly concealed emotions.
"I-" The sound of his own voice cracking as his last straw. "I'm sorry, I don't know."
"Don't apologize-" Oliver stopped himself and paused, "Addison, are you about to cry?"
"No." He wiped his eyes before they betrayed him any more than they already had. "I'm not fucking crying over this."
"Come here." Oliver didn't have to push him or even open his arms before Addison fell into them. He wrapped his arms almost protectively around him and rubbed gentle circles along his back before murmuring, "You're scared, and I get that, Addison. Change isn't as easy as people make it."
"I've never been away from my parents, Oliver. They've always been there."
"I understand-"
"-No, you don't. When I was younger, I was a fucking punching bag to the kids my age. I didn't get invited to birthday parties or sleepovers. I could never pay for the field trips or..." Addison cut himself off and simply said, "They were all I had. And even with limited resources or stressful jobs, they always made me feel loved and wanted.
And now I'm just abandoning them the first chance I get." Addison laughed bitterly, "I mean, how shitty is that?"
"It's not shitty at all."
"Yes, it is."
"Addison, your parents aren't mad at you for taking an opportunity that they never got the chance to."
"But-"
"-No buts. I've seen firsthand how much your parents love you, and if you love someone, you'd want them to do what's best for them, and what makes them happy.
When you told them about your acceptance, I swear your dad went and cried when he excused himself to the bathroom."
Addison cracked a smile, "He did. I heard him."
"Yeah, and your mom stole some cheesecake from her job to celebrate the next day. And trust me, that shit is hard to sneak out, she's told me."
"She almost got caught once," Addison muttered.
Oliver held him tighter and rested his chin on the crown of his head. "What I'm trying to say is: Do you think those are the reactions of angry or disappointed parents? Or are those parents that know what their son is capable of, and are happy that he's applying himself in ways they never got to?"
"I don't know," Addison murmured dumbly.
"You don't know?" Oliver questioned, slightly amused.
"I just don't want them to think I'm ungrateful for everything they've done for me."
"Trust me; they're not."
After some time contemplating Oliver's words, Addison spoke up, "I really want to go."
"So go."
"I also really hate change, and I've tried to handle it lately by looking on the bright side...but it's scary."
Oliver snorted, "Trust me, you're scarier."
"Oh, please."
"I'm serious. It'll take a while to get used to, but if anyone can handle it, I know you can." Oliver pressed a gentle kiss to his head and sighed "No more drugs, okay?"
"I promise."
"And alcohol's kind of bad for you too-"
"-Now you're pushing it."
"It was worth a try."
IIIIIIIIIIIII
I hope Addison's feelings made sense. I tried to make them as clear as possible<33
Thank you for readinggggg!