PIXIE
-
Have you ever fallen in love? Have you ever been willing to do everything and give everything you have for the person you love, even if it meant giving up everything else you currently have and own? Have you ever been willing to sacrifice and give without reservation or to trust and give your heart wholeheartedly to someone ?
At first, I thought I was dreaming, but when I woke up, I saw her next to me, and I knew it was true. She's back, the woman I love. I won't let her vanish from my life again, now that we've had our moment and I've had a taste of her again. I'm the only one who can claim her, and I won't allow anyone else to take her from me ever again.
My thoughts were interrupted when I heard a ringing sound. At first, I thought it was my phone, but I soon realized it was actually Jane's phone, and someone was calling her. I didn't want to wake her up, so I picked up the phone and answered the call myself.
"Hoy babe! Umuwi ka na rito at nasa kwarto mo ako! Hinihintay ko na ang pagbabalik mo! Naka lingerie na ako. Dali na!" It's so annoying early in the morning to hear her loud voice.
"Shut up!" I yelled and quickly hung up, realizing that the person on the other end of the line was likely flirting with Jane. I felt annoyed, and the situation was becominf intolerable, which made me feel tempted to stab her out of frustration.
Fortunately, answering the phone didn't wake Jane. I watched her peacefully sleeping beside me, hugging and slumbering soundly. Her peaceful slumber was a sight to behold, a beautiful creation by God himself. Untouched, and pure, a gorgeous sight to look at and admire. The peace and comfort that one feels in her presence, watching her rest. The reassurance that I've found the right one to love and to be with.
"Thank you for coming back into my life. Sometimes, I may forget to tell you, but you are everything I have, and I am so grateful for you." I smiled and kissed her gently on the forehead.
"There's not a day that goes by where I don't think about you. You're the one person I can't seem to get out of my heart, and I promise to be with you forever. I'll do everything I can to see us through all the good times and the tough moments together." I will do everything for you J.
"I don't think anyone in the world can take my love away from you. You're the perfect kind of person that I have always wished to have, someone I will always want to love with everything I have." The tears started flowing without warning, as I couldn't hold back my emotions anymore.
"Please, don't leave me again."
Wiping tears from my eyes with my hands, I failed to suppress a sob.
She remembered the deep connection we shared, even as my vision was blurred by tears. It felt like a dream that I never wanted to end, but the reality was real and present - she was here with me. I continued to gaze at her with eyes filled with tears. I missed her and loved her deeply.
*FLASHBACK*
"Fuck you! How dare you!" I exclaimed and slapped her.
I wiped my lips, nandidiri ako dahil sa biglang paghalik n'ya. Oh gosh! How could she betray her own cousin!
"P-pie I'm sorry, nabigla lang ako" she said and walked closer to me.
"Shut up RL!" Nanginginig ang mga kamay ko sa galit.
"Bakit kasi hindi nalang ako pie? Ako naman ang lageng nandyan para sayo. P-pero bakit naman pinsan ko pa, ako ang nauna pero s'ya ang pinili mo" lumuluhang paliwanag n'ya sa harapan ko.
"Hindi porket ikaw ang nauna ay ikaw na ang pipiliin. It's not the brain that makes decision, it's the heart!" I yelled at her.
Rochelle is a friend of mine - someone I met at a charity event. I'm not usually a fan of socializing and prefer to keep to myself, but I ran into her again at PU and she continued to interact with me until I decided to accept her as a friend.
It was Rochelle who introduced me to her cousin at her birthday party. Her cousin is now my partner, and it was love at first sight for me. I'm not someone who's easily attracted to people or things, but when I first laid my eyes on J, it was an instant connection and interest that I felt. Perhaps this is what they meant by the phrase 'love at first sight.' The feeling of attraction I experienced was something I'd never felt before, an instant spark and electricity that captivated me in an intense way.
I thought I'd never see her again, but just a month later, I was surprised to see J at a live band show in the mall along with her friends. When I saw her familiar face and heard her voice again, my heart seemed to skip a beat. Could it be true? Was it love at first sight? Was she really the one? Could this really be happening?
She noticed me and approached me after the event, asking for my phone number, which I gave to her. The more I saw her, the more I wanted to talk to her and know more about her. Eventually, I fell even more in love with her, and her ways of being annoying and a nuisance became one of the reasons I liked her so much. The feeling of constantly falling deeper in love, the constant desire to get to know more about her, and the annoying behaviors that were becoming endearing and attractive.
She's not just sweet and caring, even without me asking her to be. She takes the initiative herself. She's not the type of person who would control my life, like what I wear or where I go. She's also not overly conservative or limiting. In the end, she's always there to watch over and take care of me, and that's what makes our relationship special. She also enjoys teasing and annoying me, even though I'm not sure why. Sometimes, she'll tease me, and then she'll just laugh at me when I get angry. It's funny how her brain works.
She's the kind of girl who only has a few close friends. She's the girl who laughs the hardest at her own jokes and says she doesn't care what people think, but deep down, she does. She's also the kind of girl who is nice to everyone, even when she hangs up on you, but then calls you back to say sorry. She's the kinda girl that puts all of her trust in you until you give her a reason not to, and she will never leave your side when you need her. She's the girl who will go out of her way just to cheer you up, even if you say you're not ticklish, but you really are. She's the kind of girl that will not give up on you if she really believes in you, and she believes in love. And that's the reason why I love her so much.
The moment has come where she has finally confessed her feelings to me. She told me that she loves me, and I feel the same way for her. She asks me to be her girlfriend, and I am over the moon happy, since I've been waiting for her for so long. I love her, and I am not afraid to show my true feelings. I love her and I confess it to her. I am truly in love with her!
Except for the girls who tried to seduce her, we were very happy together and had no significant problems. I never explicitly said I was jealous, but even if I hadn't, she could tell. Whenever someone tried to flirt with her, she always told them she was already taken. It's amusing, but I appreciate the transparency in our relationship
Since I informed RL that I'm in a relationship with her cousin, she's been avoiding me. However, at the festival event, which is today, she asked if we could talk later, to which I agreed.
-
"Is this the reason why you asked me to come here?!" I approached her once again, this time with fury and anger. I was so angry that my body heated up in response to the situation. I couldn't accept the fact that a friend of mine and a cousin of my girlfriend had the audacity to kiss me. I was deeply hurt and betrayed, and I had to let her know exactly how I felt about what had happened.
"Pie I'm sorry, noon pa man ay gusto na kita. Natakot lang ako umamin dahil baka layuan mo ako" I could see the pain in her eyes, but I felt no remorse for my actions. I couldn't understand why she was attracted to me. All I did was act cold and give her the silent treatment. Despite her feelings, I had no intention of changing my behavior.
"Kahit pa umamin ka noon, walang magbabago dahil hindi kita gusto. I didn't ask you to love me." I said coldly,
While we were talking, J was all I could think about. What if she found out that her cousin kissed me? What if she thinks I betrayed her and despises me? She's my first love and the only person I want to be with forever. When R drew me close and hugged me, I was lost in my thoughts about J. I couldn't move because her hug was so tight.
"Pie, I love you." I got goosebumps at the words that came out of her mouth. I suddenly got nervous, and I looked at the door.
My heart skipped a beat when I saw her outside, standing and silently crying. The impending sense of doom and the cold that flooded my whole body, made me panic. Had J heard what R said? Did R see her outside and that's why she suddenly hugged me and told me she loved me?
It took me a moment to realize she was gone, my mind still in shambles. In my haste, I pushed RL aside and ran out of the room. I needed to catch up to J and make it clear that she had misunderstood everything. I couldn't let her think that I was leading her astray.
"Pie!" She tries to grab my hand, but I no longer care. I quickly slapped her.
"Fuck you! Bitawan mo ako! Hindi kita gusto!" I turned to face her violently, pushing her hard. I didn't want to hear her say anything.
I couldn't find J anywhere. My mind was screaming that I needed to run to the parking lot. My eyes were filled with tears due to the fear and panic I was feeling. If I were to lose J, I don't think I could ever forgive Rochelle. The fear, panic, and pain that were filling my head made it hard for me to grasp the situation, and even harder to manage the emotions that were taking me over.
I rushed to the parking lot, but didn't see Shara Jane. So, I began running again until I spotted her outside the gate. She was standing by the side of the road, so I approached her quickly.
"Pie" rinig kong tawag ni R sa likod ko, but I don't give a fuck! I want to explain to J.
"J!"
I called out for her, but she suddenly ran and crossed the intersection. I started panicking since there were only 3 seconds before the green light would appear. My mind was in a mess, and I didn't know what to do. The panic, the stress, and the rush of needing to make a decision quickly and figure out what to do. The need to reach out and make sure she was okay. This feeling, the realization of the danger or the possibility of a dangerous situation, left me frozen with fear.
"J-J! Stop!" I yelled her name again, but it didn't seem like she could hear anything.
Oh my god!
"Jane!!"
-
What happened? Why am I here? My entire body is shaking, and my hands are covered in blood. Where am I? Huh? Where's J?
And then, it all flashed through my mind again, what happened earlier. Tears began to fall when everything became clear - the horror and the sadness of seeing her in that state. Why did this happen? Why did it have to happen to her? God, damn you Pixie! You're useless! If only you could have been faster, if only you could have caught her in time, if only you had been able to reach out and hold her!
I don't know how to calm myself down. My tears just won't stop falling, no matter how hard I try to control myself. My body aches and trembles uncontrollably, and I can't bring myself to calm down. It's your fault, Pixie. You had the time to chase after her earlier, but you decided to prioritize Rochelle instead! If you'd been clearer in your thinking earlier today, J wouldn't have been hurt! It's your fault, it's your fault, it's all your fault!
I screamed in my head and slapped myself. It's my fault - it's too hard to think if she's gone, too painful to bear the thought. How can I accept it? I can't take it. It's all my fault, and it's so painful to think of losing J.
"Rochelle!! Where's is my daughter!! Anong nangyari?!"
My fear and shaking body tripled when I heard the sound of tita's voice. How can I face them after what happened? How can I tell them it's all my fault when I don't have the courage? When I dont have the strength to tell them the truth. Oh God, my anxiety, stress, and fear of facing her family after what happened. The shame and guilt. I need to tell them the truth, but I worry that they might never forgive me..
I hated seeing the person I love lying unconscious in the road, soaked in her own blood. It was like I died inside because of what I witnessed. I was confused and didn't know what to do. What would J have done if she were in my situation? God, please don't take her from me, I can't handle it. I can't handle it at all, I don't know what I'll do if I lose her
She wouldn't be suffering right now if I had just chased after her sooner. She wouldn't be fighting for her life if she hadn't seen me and Rochelle together. I lowered my head, and saw my hands still shaking even now. I cried again when I saw the blood stains on my hands and clothes. The blood of the person I loved was on my body and I couldn't even help her.
"Pixie," I froze and felt like a stone when Tita called my name. I could not look her in the eye. My conscience was eating me up and all I could do was cry, and cry. I didn't know how to face her and what to say.
"I-I'm sorry, I'm sorry, T-Tita," I broke out in tears and sobbed. I couldn't explain myself or face the reality of the situation. But then she unexpectedly hugged me tightly.
"I-It's my fault! I'm so s-sorry" It's so painful. My heart feels like it's being stabbed and I'm having trouble breathing.
"It's okay anak, hindi mo kasalanan. Walang may gusto sa nangyari" I cried even more because I knew it was my fault, but she still didn't blame me.
"Tita, please, if I had just chased after J right away, this tragedy wouldn't have happened, it's my fault! Tita, I was so scared! It all happened right before my eyes! It was like a nightmare!" The sight of her body falling to the ground, the sight of her lying there, her blood pooling around her. It's something I'll carry with me for life. For the rest of my existence, this is something that will haunt me. I'll never forget this moment... forever!
"Don't blame yourself anak, alam kong maiintindihan ni Jane ang lahat. Magtiwala ka sa kanya, magiging ligtas siya."
Of course, she's so brave. She'll never leave me, she can never leave me alone! I'll do everything, anything, for her! I'll do anything to bring her back, I'll never leave her side... no matter what!
*
It's been a week since the accident happened, and I'm so grateful that J is out of danger. I've been praying and praying for her, and I'm thankful that my prayers have been answered. A week has passed, but she still hasn't woken up. I haven't left her side, and I'm afraid that if I leave for a moment, something bad will happen. I've been so tired, but it's nothing compared to the pain that my love is feeling right now, fighting for her life.
"Love," I whispered gently as I held her hand, praying that she would hear me, praying that she would respond. I was praying that God would heal J and that she would come back to us.
"Pie," I heard Rochelle's soft voice coming from behind me, but I didn't have the strength to turn around and face her. I was angry at her, angry at her and myself. If it wasn't for us, J wouldn't be suffering so much.
I only want to be with J. She's in a coma. She hasn't woken up for a week.
They told me to go home, to rest, but I couldn't leave J's side. She was sleeping like an angel, how could I leave? My home is by J's side. I couldn't sleep - my nights were tormented with nightmares, constantly reliving the day of the accident. All the what-ifs and the regrets came back, all the ways things could have been different. I blamed myself, I cried, I couldn't let it go. I was broken and I couldn't find a way to move forward or forgive myself.
"Gusto ko lang mag sorry pie, at magpaalam. Pupunta na akong states at doon na rin siguro ako mag-aaral." while listening to her na'kay J lang ang aking atensyon.
"Okay."
"Please forgive me and take care always" I didn't bother to answer.
I clenched my fist as she walked out of the hospital room. How dare she run away without acknowledging the mess we created? Without waiting for J to wake up and say sorry for what she did? I could have chased after her and demanded an apology, but deep down, I knew it was better to leave things alone and let Rochelle be.
I held back my smile, wiping away the tears from my eyes, then gently stroked J's face while saying sorry over and over again. "I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry. Please forgive me for what happened." I wanted the words to sink into J's ears, I wanted her to understand how sorry I was and how much I regretted what we had done.
"I love you so much, J,"
*
"Where is Jane!!" I yelled as soon as I entered the room. Why? Why couldn't I see her? Why was she gone from her hospital bed?! What happened? Where was she?
She's gone.
"Call the doctor now!!" These mixed emotions are slowly killing me.
I started crying when I saw that J was no longer in the room. I only went home for a bit to get some clothes. But when I came back, she was gone. She was just gone, without a trace, without a word.
"Ma'am,"
"Where is my J..." I murmured, not sure of what to do, all the emotions were blending into one. I'm so tired, I want to see J, I want to know if she's okay.
He dares to ignore me.
"Tell me! Or else I'll destroy this hospital!" Based on the reactions of the nurses, I knew that they knew something! They knew something I wasn't supposed to know. Why? What were they hiding? I have the right to know the truth, and I needed answers. If they didn't tell me, I would be forced to do something drastic.
"Ma'am, we discharged her earlier while you were out. We were supposed to transfer her to another hospital-" I didn't let them finish their sentence and quickly rushed out of the room.
I drove fast to J's house but was disappointed to see that they were gone. My body was shaking as I dropped to my knees, unable to stop my tears from falling. My entire world has come crumbling down, all the hopes and dreams I had for J were disappearing before my eyes. I was hopeless and lost, the pain was too much to bear. Why? Why would they do this to me? Why would they take J away from me? For what reason? I asked these questions to myself while I was left alone, crying by myself.
"J-Jane,"
*
Years later...
I hired private investigators to find J and her friends, but no matter how hard we tried, we couldn't find them. Not a single day goes by that I don't think of her, that I don't wonder why they took her away from me. Why couldn't I find them, no matter how hard I tried? I don't know why, I tried everything, even hired several detectives. It felt like I was losing hope, but I refused to give up.
How many years has it been? Many years have passed, but I'm still waiting for you to come back, even though I know that it's unlikely. I keep looking for you despite knowing that there's little hope. I miss you so much, J. Where are you? You will always have a special place in my heart. Our time together may have been short, but my love will never fade. I hope that one day, I'll get to hold you again, to kiss you, to hear your laughter, and to say I'm sorry.
"Anak, papasok ka na? Sigurado ka bang okay ka na?" Mom asked while I was busy getting ready. From now on, I'll be a teacher at PU, the school owned by my grandfather.
"Yes."
"Susuko ka na ba?" My heart skipped a beat when she asked that question. So many thoughts flowing through my head, so many emotions that I couldn't put words to.
"I don't know, I'm so tired, I need a break. I've already done my best." I knew that she wanted to say something, but I forced myself to smile and be strong. I didn't want to cry in front of her as I was tired and exhausted. I was done with the pain and the difficulty of everything. I needed a break.
"Mahahanap mo rin s'ya."
Sana nga.
*
I was about to give up, when something unexpected happened. I saw her again, in front of me, sitting with her friends, looking happy and vibrant. I had been looking for J for so many years, and there she was. The only girl who ever made my heart skip a beat, the only one I ever had feelings for. But for some reason, something felt off. It was like she had changed, but I wasn't sure what exactly it was.
Huh, why? Why is she looking at me like that? Why does it seem like she doesn't know me? What happened? I have so many questions, but no answers. I need answers. Why is she acting like she doesn't know me?
"Ma'am,"
"It's been a long time."
"I'm sorry, ma'a-"
"Tell me, I want to know the truth." Alam kong may alam sila sa biglang pagkawala ni Jane,
"Noong oras na umuwi ka ay biglang dumating ang ina mo, sinabing agad ilipat si Sj sa ibang hospital, ilayo sayo at wag na ulit magpakita sayo." My eyes widened in shock. My mom? That made me even more confused, because I couldn't understand why she would do that. Especially since, she had no idea about my relationship with J in the first place.
"Ayaw pumayag ni tita pero pinagbantaan sila na kung hindi nila ilalayo si Sj sayo ay sisirain nito ang buhay nila at pababagsakin ang kumpanya." I was struggling to breathe, it felt like the air was being sucked out of my body. I couldn't believe that out of everyone, it would be my mom who was behind J's disappearance. She acted like she didn't know anything at all when she was around me, but she knew everything. How could she keep the truth from me? How could she do that to me?
"Natakot sila tita dahil alam nila kung gaano ka makapangyarihan ang pamilya mo. Takot sila para sa anak nila at nandun kami nang mangyari yun. Binigyan sila ng malaking halaga na pera pero hindi nila yun tinanggap, hindi naman dahil sa pera kaya ka minahal ng kaibigan ko." I bit my lip so hard that I felt it bleeding. Why mom? What reason could you have for doing something like that? Why keep it from me? Why did you lie to me?
"Dumating ang araw nagising sya pero nagulat kami dahil hindi nya maalala, hindi ka nya kilala." So that's why something felt off. She had forgotten about me. Why? Why me of all people? I refuse to accept that reality. It's not fair. The thought that J would forget me. It's too much to handle. I can't believe this is happening. It's just not right.
"Ilang beses din namin tinangka ipaalala kay Sj ang tungkol sayo pero hindi ka parin maalala. Gusto man namin sabihin ang lahat pero ayaw naman namin pangunahan sila tita." I wasted so much time trying to find them. I had no idea that my mother was the mastermind behind everything. All this time, I was looking for answers, but the truth was hiding in plain sight right in front of me. Every single clue led me to her, but I didn't see it. If only I had known sooner, I wouldn't have wasted so much time, and I wouldn't have put myself through so much pain.
"T-Tinangka rin namin hanapin ka para sabihin sayo pero sadyang hadlang ang ina mo sa lahat ng mga kilos naming magkakaibigan."
"Pagbalik namin dito ay nakilala ni Sj si Ziallyn, unang tingin ko palang alam kong gusto na sya ng kaibigan ko." No, J is mine! She can't love Ziallyn. I'm the only one J loves, she loves me and only me. No one else.
"Nahihirapan din kami, di nya man lang maalala may nagmamay-ari na sa puso nya. May pag-asa, tutulungan kita. Hanggat hindi pa sya tuluyan na nahuhulog sa iba. Sabihin mo na sa kanya." Jow? Paano ko sisimulan? Paano ko sasabihin at saan ako magsisimula..
"I-I can't, I'm afraid she'll disappear again, and what if she thinks I'm crazy?" So many what if's, so many questions running through my head. What if she disappeared from my life forever? What if she thought I was crazy? What if she judged me and didn't believe me? What if things went badly and I lost her?
"Kumilos ka na hanggat hindi pa huli ang lahat."
I rushed home as soon as I could after talking with Ag, desperate to confront my mother. I was in denial, even though deep down I knew that there was a very good chance that what she had said was true. The truth was painful, it felt like I had been betrayed in the worst way possible.
"How could you do this to me?!"
"You know how much I love J! I nearly lost my mind just trying to find her! You know how much I suffered! You know I did everything I could just to find the person I love." I couldn't stop sobbing from the pain and anger that filled me. I was overwhelmed by all of the emotions, feeling like I was drowning in an ocean of grief and despair.
"Why mom?! Just why?!"
"Where did I go wrong? I did everything you asked me to, but why did you take the one person who made my life worth living? Why take away the one thing that made me happy?!" I couldn't handle the pain anymore, my heart felt like it was going to explode. There was too much going on inside of me, too many feelings rushing through me. The hurt, the sadness, the anger and the grief. The confusion and the guilt. The need for answers, the desperate want for J to return and make everything okay again.
"4 years, MOM! 4 F*CKING YEARS! I've been looking for her this whole time! You said you'd help me! I trusted you! I told you all of my plans! That's why I couldn't find her for four whole years, because the person who caused us to separate was right beside me this whole time! Why did you do this to me?!" She began to cry, as if she were the one hurting instead of me. Wailing, crying as if she was the victim of what had happened.
"A-Anak ayaw ko lang masira ang buhay mo." She tried to come close to me while she was crying, but I threatened her with the broken glass that I had in my hand.
"That’s bullshit! My life has been ruined since childhood! You and him ruined my life! Because you wanted me to be perfect! You took away my freedom, you've taken everything from me! You took my loved ones and now you've taken the person I love the most! I hate you! I hate both of you!" I clenched my fist, my whole body trembling with rage. My brain wanting to explode. F*CK.
"J is all I need, all I want! I never asked you, never defied your orders! I let you destroy my dreams, but never my relationship! J is my life, she is everything to me and I will not let you ruin this!"
"A-Anak p-patawad."
"Sa lahat ng mga nagawa mo? Sabihin mo, bakit mo ginawa yun kung mahal mo ako? Sorry? Sorry? How long were you planning on keeping it a secret? Or perhaps you never intended to tell me the truth. I look stupid, I believed you were on my side. I was a fool to trust you."
"P-Pinagsisihan ko lahat ng mga nagawa ko, nakita ko kung gaano ka nasaktan at kung gaano mo sya ka mahal. Alam kong mali ako at nasaktan din ako para sayo. A-Akala ko yun ang nararapat pero mali ako. A-Anak patawarin mo ako." My tears began to fall again as my mother suddenly knelt in front of me, begging. She's my only mother, no matter what I do, even if I turn the entire world upside down. But I still can't accept what she did.
"I will not let you take her away from me. Take everything from me, but not what I love the most."
"G-Give me a chance anak, babawi ako saiyo lalo na kay Jane. M-Matagal ko ng pinagsisihan ang lahat." She pleaded, but I ignored what she said and quickly left the room. I needed to cool down, this wasn't the right time to make things worse. I had to get J back, I couldn't let this become the end.
*
"What are you doing here?" I asked Ziallyn as soon as J left the office.
She always disturbs us when I'm with J.
"You like Ja? Let's have a bet" No, I dont like her. I lover he so much at hindi mo 'yon alam.
"Bet?"
"Yes, who will she choose between us." I was stunned at the deal she had made. Bet? Was she confident that she could win against me? Did she think I would let J go, that I would just roll over and allow her to have her way?
"Bet huh,"
"Stay away from Ja" My brow furrowed when she said that. She dared to command me.
"Stay away from her?"
"I like her, hindi ko hahayaan maagaw mo sya sa akin." I gently massage my temple, J isn't a toy to be gambled and played with.
Take her away from her...
She's not even yours. She's mine, mine alone.
I smiled.
"I always thought I was the loneliest person on this earth... but I was wrong because you're just as lonely as I am." I said, as I walked over to my swivel chair.
"You think you will win against me?" Magkamatayan muna tayo bago mo makuha si J sa akin.
"Yes." She smirked, she was serious. I knew she wouldn't give up and wouldn't stop until she got what she wanted.
"Give up" I said.
"Ako ang nauna" ikaw ang nauna dahil nawalan s'ya ng ala-ala.
"Hindi ikaw ang mahal" now she's glaring at me, you think I'm scared of you?
"Take everything Zb, just not the person I love." I said firmly. I won't allow J to slip away from me again. J is someone I've been looking for for so long, and I won't let her disappear back into nothingness.
"What do you mean?"
I heaved a sigh.
"She's J. Ziallyn you cannot take her, she is not yours. We never broke up. She was taken away from me, which means I'm still her girlfriend." She looks at me in awe, shocked. But it didn't take long for her aura to darken, a serious look on her face as she stared into my eyes.
"I know she likes me" yes I know pero hindi parin ako papayag sa binabalak mo. Sa dami ba namang tao sa mundo, bakit si J pa.
"I'll do anything to make her mine." There was a threat in her voice. She didn't wait for my answer and left the office quickly.
She's desperate and selfish.
Make her mine huh.
That will never happen.
-
Hindi pa man ako nagsisimula ay nilalandi na ako ni J gamit ang mga pick up lines. Nilalandi n'ya ako at the same time ay nilalandi rin si ZB, ang sarap lang n'yang ibitay sa ilalim ng tulay.
I secretly enjoy how she treats me. But it irritates me when she teases me, so I toss whatever I can get my hands on. Unfortunately, the plate didn't hit her head.
Alam ko rin ang mga ginagawa ni ZB na paghalik sa kanya. Napangiti nalang ako nang makita na hinalikan s'ya nito pero itinulak n'ya. She likes her in mind but the heart is mine.
That time, she was brought to the auction hall. I immediately followed her, because I knew ZB would go there and do anything to win and I was not going to let it happen. Even if the bid was millions, I would do it to win her back. She's mine.
When she left to go get her mother, I immediately followed her. In the car, she suddenly asked if I wanted to meet my future in-law. I looked away, feeling overwhelmed with joy and pain. I felt like I would cry from happiness and sadness, so I looked outside the window instead. If only she knew how happy I was whenever I was with her, and how much I was hurting because she didn't remember me. I didn't want to push J, I wanted her to remember our past on her own. I needed to be patient and wait, to hold on to hope and believe that she would come back to me.
Then she asked me a question: 'How do you know when you're in love? Is it infatuation or is it love?' I knew that she wasn't talking about me, and it hurt me deeply. Nothing hurts more than hearing the person you love tell you face-to-face that she has feelings for someone else. I wanted to tell her that she already knew the answer, but I refrained from doing so.
She asked me again if I still loved my ex, but I don't have an ex because we never broke up. Instead of answering her question, I asked her if there is still hope for me and my ex. I wanted to cry in front of her, but I held back. She told me to try again if we still loved each other, and I said I still do. I never lost the love I had for her, it's still there. I just wanted to tell her that it was not too late. I knew that even if she didn't remember me, her heart still beats for me. So I gave her a genuine smile, a smile that I only showed to her.
I was restless and nervous while we waited for her mom. Now we meet again after years. When J introduced me to her mom, she was shocked. I knew she was wondering why I was with her daughter. I was nervous, but I still tried to remain calm. When we were back on campus, I went straight back to their house. I wanted to talk and apologize to her mom.
"Tita," I spoke up and greeted her with a smile when she opened the door. She was surprised because I was there, alone.
"P-Pixie," She spoke softly then gave me a hug and broke down in tears. I, too, was moved to tears. I felt like she was a mother to me.
"Anak, patawarin mo kami kung inilayo namin sayo ang anak ko, natakot kami." She explained as she cried, I just shook my head. I couldn't speak, couldn't find the words. I was overwhelmed with emotion and it felt like my throat was tightening up and choking me.
"Alam kong mahal na mahal mo ang anak ko pero sa panahong yun ay wala kaming ibang magawa."
"I know, tita, I already know everything. Mom told me everything. It's just so sad because she was the one who did it in the first place. I didn't do anything but search for J for four years, but no matter what I did, I failed again and again. That's why I couldn't find you guys." I gave her a smile and firmly squeezed her hands.
"I'm happy because I found J, even if she doesn't remember me, I still found her again." I said and smiled bitterly.
"Wag ka mawalan ng pag-asa pixie maaalala ka rin ng anak ko." I nodded and took a deep breath.
"K-kaya ko po maghintay, na kaya ko nga ang apat na taon. Kung tuluyan man n'ya makalimutan ang nakaraan ay gagawin ko lahat para magsimula ulit kaming dalawa."
"I'm sorry po, sa ginawa ng mom ko." She smiled and patted my head before giving me another hug.
*
The day finally came when she agreed to go on a date with ZB. I left the cafeteria immediately, because I knew that if I stayed, I wouldn't be able to take it. The knowing that she was getting her chance with J, the envy, the feeling of being replaced.
R and I followed them to the seaside. When I saw the two of them crying and hugging each other, it felt like I have been stabbed countless times in the heart. Yes. RL was with me. I told her everything when we met again after such a long time. It's true that Jane doesn't remember me, she has completely forgotten me. I told RL that she's moved on to something else.
"Should I just give up now R?" Tears came streaming down my face as I watched the two of them embrace.
"Pie,"
"I-It feels like someone's stabbing me, inside my heart. I-I love her so much." How long will I endure? How long can I bear the pain?
She pulled me for a hug.
"Let's go Pie, umalis na tayo rito please lang. Kaysa naman manatili ka rito at pinapatay yang sarili mo dahil sa mga nakikita mo." Before I left them, I took a final glimpse of J, embracing someone else. She was smiling, happy. I guess it's time to let her go.
*
We were in the club, and I was alone for a while because RL suddenly disappeared and I had no idea where she had gone. I did catch a glimpse of her following ZB though, wait... why is she here? I thought she was supposed to be with J? My mind was preoccupied, and suddenly I heard a familiar voice.
"Do you wanna die? Just tell me. I'd be glad to grant you a wish" that cold voice.
I automatically turned my head to that person. My eyes widened in shock when I saw her. What is she doing here? She seems different tonight. But, I was even more shocked when she suddenly pulled the man.
"I have a friend here." She took out a gun. Why does she have a gun?!
"A-are you real?" Paano n'ya nalaman na nandito ako o baka kasama n'ya si Zb.
"W-What are you doing here? I thought you're with ZB?" I don't know what it is about her, but I suddenly find myself stuttering when I'm with her.
"Okay, I'm going back to Zb." She turned away, so I took her hand.
"N-No please" I pleaded. Please don't go, I need you.
My heart beats so fast when she sits beside me and starts using her pickup lines. I miss this, her telling me these even though they are corny sometimes. I appreciate that she's trying, that she's making an effort. I love the fun and playful side of her. She has such a charming personality that even when I'm feeling down, just thinking of her makes me feel happier.
"I'm tired sha" I'm so tired so please come back to me.
"Take a rest" she didn't get my point.
"No, hindi mo ako naiintindihan" I let out a sigh.
"Ipaintindi mo" easy for you to say
"I'm nothing compared to them" I blurted out.
I was startled when she suddenly grabbed my hand "Stop comparing yourself to them. I choose you. So, smile now."
S-She what?
"We're going home. So stand up bago pa kita buhatin" She asked if we could go home, and I went with her. Even though I was confused, I went anyway. I wasn't sure why, but there seemed to be something different about her. Maybe it was due to the fatigue and crying, but I fell asleep in the car.
"Wake up" nagising ako dahil sa haplos n'ya sa pisngi ko.
I was surprised to see the house she was referring to. My heart started racing as I realized what this meant. I wanted to cry with joy, hoping that her memory had returned and she remembered us and what we had. The desire to touch and kiss her, the feeling it brought to my heart. She saw our portrait, all our memories together. I wanted to say something but she told me to go and take a shower first.
I wanted to believe that she was starting to remember me. I bought this house for her, for our future, because I wanted to start a family together. After taking a shower, I looked for her all over the house, but she was nowhere to be found. A part of me told me to check the hidden room, so I ran into the Library room.
My heart started beating faster once more when I saw that the bookshelf was open and realized that everything I had hidden was inside. I was frightened but also excited to enter. Everything was here from when I was looking for her, the things I had worked so hard on. Everything was here in this room.
I saw her crying while holding a picture of herself and Ziallyn, kissing. I felt my heart break, my body shaking and I wanted to cry too. I bit my lower lip to suppress my sobs, because I needed to be strong. I wanted to run but I also needed to know what this meant.
"J-Jane?" Tawag ko habang nangingilid na ang mga luha.
She turned her face to me. She's smiling, crying...and about to say something.
.
.
.
"I'm back...Pie"