unrevised.
/ chapter 38 /
"He's here again, Ichika-chan," Tohru stated in a sad tone. "Are you sure you don't want to see him?"
The blue-haired Sohma glanced at her fingers as she traced the words in the novel that she was reading. She hesitantly responded with a nod, making sure her fake firm expression didn't dissolve.
Tohru could see right through the cracks of her mask though. She just didn't know how to question Ichika's sudden coldness towards the people around her.
After advising her to take the weird call a couple of days ago, Ichika became different. She no longer ate with them anymore and preferred doing things on her own. She barely left the house, let alone her room, which Tohru found quite strange as she recalled that the bluenette loved having them as her company and she was starting to love the outdoors.
But now she didn't care about it in the slightest.
Hatori had made many efforts to approach her. To see what was going on in her head. But even Tohru could tell Ichika was hard to budge. She refused to see the Doctor despite the many times he has come to visit her. Tohru would try to help as she has access in and out of the room, but it seems Hatori was the only one Ichika didn't want to see the most. He would knock on her door and wait outside for long moments, and if he didn't get a response he would leave and do it all over again the next day.
Tohru also found it hard to keep a conversation with Ichika. A question to another came only with a quiet yes or no response. Even Shigure, Kyo and Yuki had tried their approaches, and to question why she was acting this way, but all she responded was that she was fine and liked being left alone. In turn it made it hard to connect with her like they used to.
Tohru knew that was a lie. She knew Ichika was the opposite of that. But why would she lie? Tohru would always notice the way her eyes lit when she spent time with the others. What changed?
It was like she was discarding everything. Pushing them away from her, as far as they could go, and Tohru was hurt by this. Why would her friend want to suddenly distance herself like this?
She just wanted things to go back to the way they were before. It was getting harder and harder each passing day, Tohru was afraid she'd conceal her existence completely and soon disappear into thin air as if her existence was never there. As if their bonds were never there.
"Ne, Ichika-chan, how about we make try making some cookies for everyone? I'm sure Kyo-kun, Yuki-kun and Shigure-san will love them." The brunette suggested with her eyes sparkling.
Ichika stiffened and clenched the book in her hands. She couldn't lift her gaze and meet Tohru's eyes knowing they what looked like. Hopeful. Ichika didn't want to give her that. She didn't want to give anyone that.
She just wanted to stay out of everyone's way.
"I'm feeling a bit tired. I don't have the energy to bake anything at the moment." Ichika responded as she kept her eyes on the words in her book. Tohru's heart pounded within her in a quick manner.
Despite her rejection, Tohru tried again. "How about we go and sunbathe outside? You can even sit and watch me plant some more vegetables like you used to as well!"
"The weather's been hot recently, so I'd like to stay indoors." The blue-haired Sohma rejected once again.
Tohru tried for another time. "I know! How about we arrange some plans with Momiji-kun? We can head to the mall, it'll be cooler in there because of the air conditioning, and there's more things to do there!"
"I'm fine."
"Er.. what about.. what if.." Tohru struggled to think of other ideas. "What if.. um.. uh.."
Ichika stayed silent as the brunette tried her best to concoct a plan into her head as if she was running out of time, but not avail. Her brown eyes lifted to Ichika's uncaring expression as her cold eyes never left the book even once.
Tohru felt her heart ache.
She didn't know what to do now. What she was.. going to do?
All of her suggestions led her to the same response, and it almost wore her breath out.
"Oh." Was all Tohru said, and Ichika noticed how sad and defeated it sound.
A pang shot through Ichika's chest. She was starting to feel guilty. Tohru had done nothing more than try to encourage her to spend some time with her, to be with her like how she used to.
But Ichika believed she didn't deserve it. Wouldn't it be better this way? She wanted everyone to carry on with their lives and act like she wasn't there. She didn't want to interfere in their lives anymore. She feared the consequences of ignoring her mother's warning would lead to everyone around her getting hurt.
She didn't want that.
They were her family now. They've done so much for her already by giving her a place to stay, warmth and the kindness she needed. And she would be in pain if any one of them got hurt because she refused to go back to the Sohma Estate.
Wasn't it strange? Ichika refused to go back to the darkness to remain in the light, yet it felt like she was pushing herself further into the abyss instead. She believed by isolating herself and raising up a boundary would somehow trick her parents into thinking she didn't have such a relationship with Tohru and the others in fear they would do the same thing they did with Hatori and use them as leverage against her.
Ichika froze when she heard the sound of sniffling. Thinking she heard wrong, her eyes didn't move an inch from the novel until she heard it once again. She forced herself to pull her eyes away from the novel to the direction the sound was coming from.
Her navy eyes widened and she stared in shock.
Tohru was crying.
"T-Tohru?" She muttered, not knowing what to do. She slowly placed her book down and sat up from the bed worriedly. "Tohru?"
Uncontrollable tears streamed down Tohru's small face. A little bit of mucus secreted from her nostril as she hiccuped and sniffled. The painful sensation in Ichika's chest returned. When was the last time she saw Tohru cry?
"Tohru, I.." She tried starting but she didn't know where to begin. Her sentence trailed off.
Finally, Tohru spoke.
"Why are you being like this, Ichika-chan?"
At her question, Ichika swallowed thickly and painfully.
She watched as brunette tried to wipe her tears away with the back of her hand but they just kept coming out. Her under eyes were already red and swollen.
"What happened? Why are you pushing us away?" She sniffled.
Because I don't want to hurt you, or anyone else. Ichika remained silent but she answered in her head sadly. I don't want to lose anyone else.
"The worst part about this isn't the fact that you're pushing us away, but that you just look so sad. I haven't seen you smile even once." Tohru sobbed. "When I look at you, my heart squeezes hard and makes it hard for me to breathe. The pain travels up my throat and it sits there. It makes me want to wrap my arms around you and just hug you. You look so sad. So tired. I can't help but think of things to do for you, and ways to comfort you, but I feel helpless when I can't and that sadness remains in your eyes."
Ichika parted her lips and tried to choke out some words but nothing came out.
"I just want to be friends again, Ichika-chan." Tohru sobbed, rubbing her eyes with the back of her hand. Another teardrop escaped her eyes and ran along her palm down to her elbow. "Did we do something wrong..? Or perhaps, have I done something wrong?"
No answer came from Ichika once again, but Ichika couldn't help but let her expressionless mask slip slightly.
No.. please don't say that.. you did nothing wrong. You guys did nothing wrong.. I.. I just..
"I found this in the trash yesterday." Tohru held up a few sheets of paper, shocking Ichika.
What? How?
The sheets of paper that was initially torn up into pieces were held together by sticky tape.
Ichika slapped a hand over her mouth.
Did Tohru really dig into the trash and collected every single piece that was discarded by her? But why? She didn't need those forms anymore. She didn't deserve them so she tore them up and trashed them.
Maybe perhaps it was a childish thing for her to do that she would probably regret later on, ripping away at her college application forms as she turned her emotions into actions.
She was angry.
Scared.
Lost.
She didn't think twice before destroying the paperwork and discarding it. But when Tohru held it in her small pale hands, and showed her the same forms, except now stuck together the best she could with sticky tape, Ichika felt all sorts of emotions that she can't explain in one sentence.
Tohru found and stuck every single page back together.
Ichika slowly stood to her feet and weakly made her way over to Tohru. Every walk was a weight on her shoulders. The weight of each emotion she was harbouring within herself.
She reached a shaky hand over to the forms and carefully took them. She stared down at them in disbelief. Everything was truly stuck back together again.
"W-Why?" Ichika asked in a barely audible tone.
"Because you were looking forward to going to college, Ichika-chan." Tohru croaked out with glossed eyes. "Because they are your hopes and dreams. Why would you throw them away? I won't let you!"
"But.. Tohru.." Ichika's eyes suddenly stung. "I don't.."
"Deserve it? Of course you do!" Tohru exclaimed. She then pointed her finger down at two words on the stitched up piece of paper. "This is proof!"
Ichika Sohma.
Signed.
The moment she saw her full name signed onto it, she fell to her knees.
"I-Ichika-chan!" Tohru gasped, thinking that perhaps Ichika had collapsed and lost conscious. But she became very painfully aware that the bluenette was still conscious through a prolonged high-pitched cry of pain.
She watched her blue-haired friend weep as she hugged the signed document to her body. Her nose and cheeks reddening, her eyes squeezed shut tightly, and her lips parted as the sound continued.
Seeing this view of Ichika, Tohru's lips wobbled. She wrapped her arms around the older girl and cried with her.
***
Hello, yet again. I know what you're thinking...
"Eoraiv! Why haven't you been uploading?!"
I-I can explain!
....
Okay, the truth is I work majority of the week so sometimes writing up a chapter is hard, but I try my best! :( That's why I don't have a particular uploading schedule. I just write whenever I can and upload whenever I can but I don't want to leave it too long (otherwise this book will end up like one of my other books and that's not gonna happen! Not on my watch!)
I also had writers block. I'm thinking of where I want to take this book as I do have plans to complete it. But do not fret my fellow readers, I have a couple of ideas I want to put to use so please wait a little longer >~<!
Geez, I never realise how hard it is to put your ideas into books.
Anywho, see you guys next time! And as always, thank you to everyone who reads and comments on this book! Your support motivates me. Stay safe <3
- Eoraiv.