Chapter 11 : Madelyn
Saturday, November 26th, 2022
"We just want you, darling. Nothing more."
Those words went through my head for what felt like a million times, tearing the stitches around my heart straight open just to leave me bleeding all over again.
That's what it felt like in my silence, Caleb leaving after he touched my cheek and saw that there was nothing for me to say.
He made it sound like he still loved me after all this time, and it left me shell shocked and confused.
Now alone in Alec's room, it didn't matter that the handcuffs had been removed from my wrist. I was still trapped here, and I hated it. Caleb had left me to dwell in the thoughts I haven't had in months, being seized by rage, hurt, and sadness too many times for me to comprehend.
Not having people to fight or Kia to lose myself in, I was truly left with no other company, no other distractions, than myself.
Honestly, it sucked.
I've been stuck in this room for at least an hour now, and while I could barely breathe while I was handcuffed, this room was still suffocating, no matter how ridiculously spacious it may be.
I could feel myself going stir crazy, and I eventually chose to just move out of bed entirely, testing the waters as I carefully applied some weight to my feet. Keeping a grip on the bedside table, I winced as all of my blood rushed down to my legs, swaying slightly at the feeling of the skillfully wrapped bandages tightening under my weight.
They felt funny, almost numb, but whatever Alec did was done correctly.
I hadn't known how much he knew about injuries, however with a job in the mafia, I suppose it would make sense.
He would do well in his position as Don one day, even if he wanted it just about as badly as Xavier had. Despite the fact that our time together last night had been short, I could feel the change in him—the way he held himself and the masks he's perfected down to each and every breath he takes.
It was weird seeing him so composed around me of all people, yet again, to anyone else in the mafia I would've been seen as the enemy in their territory. I probably would've been shot dead before I could even get the chance to enter the property.
That was a whole lot of emotions I didn't really want to get into right now, though. No, my only focus were the windows before me, the glass door to Alec's balcony looking quite welcoming despite the light falling of snow outside.
Once I'd regained enough of my balance, I walked over to it, not going outside but simply looking—looking at the truth right before my eyes.
Past the faint reflection of myself were the city tops of New York, the streets already alive despite the god awful time it was in the morning.
There was no denying where I was, and when I felt a subtle shift in the air, I knew I was no longer alone in my silent spiral into myself.
"Xavier." I say, acknowledging his presence without turning away from the window. "I suppose you've come to try approach number three with me then?"
I watched his movements in the reflection as he didn't say a word, walking straight up to my side as though he belonged there.
Glancing down at me, I knew he was reading the situation as my arms wrapped around myself like it would be enough to protect me from the conversation that was about to take place.
From the chill traveling down my spine at the feeling of his arm brushing against mine.
"Well it seems like you've got us all figured out, don't you sweetheart?" Xavier drawls with a casual stance beside me, turning only slightly as he holds out a steaming hot mug in my direction. "Coffee?" He asks as though his previous statement didn't exist, smiling fully when I accepted it.
I reached out to take the cup, not acknowledging how obvious it was when he moved his fingers to brush over mine. If I did, I would also have to mention the sparks that I felt from the single touch alone, and the fact that I instantly wanted more.
He was dangerous and left me completely and utterly speechless in his presence. Thankfully, he didn't make me say much as he once again beat me to it.
What we had right now was so unbelievably unpredictable, but when he opened his mouth, I could tell it was serious before the words could even leave his lips.
"I didn't kill your mother, Madelyn."
Just like that, everything inside of me froze. I stiffened where I stood, my coffee cup lowering against my will as I stupidly turned to look at him, Xavier's eyes holding no humour or deception. This wasn't a game or a joke. He was being serious.
I felt like a part of me was unconsciously going into shock, unable to fabricate a single one of the thousands of questions weighing on my tongue.
I had so much to say, my heart begging me to deny the truth being laid out before me.
"But I saw the video." I say, not out of distrust but rather out of confusion. She was dead—I saw her body when I said goodbye, so which was true? What was I missing?
"You saw me shoot Heidi's bindings and then the camera to hide the fact that even thousands of miles away, you were still my biggest weakness." Xavier shakes his head, no longer looking at me despite being well aware of my eyes now on him.
How could I not stare when after all this time, I lived in hateful disbelief as to why he would do it. What motive he would have behind killing my mother, especially in such a brutal, unclear way.
I knew it didn't make sense, but I thought... oh god, I thought that...
"Do you know who did it?" I force out as I feel my chest tighten, nausea and anxiety threatening to eat away at my very soul for ever believing Xavier would do something like that. But can I really blame myself when all of the evidence was right in front of my eyes?
I watched her die, or I thought I did. It had been so easy to believe when—
"Cal's looking into it." Xavier says grimly, and realizing that he truly was sad for me was a bit unexpected. "Whether it was by my hand or not, your mother deserved to die a thousand times over for what she did to you, but I really am sorry that you had to see it nonetheless."
My hand wobbled as I waited for the anger to come, for the defence inside of me to rise to the surface in my mother's name, but the truth is that he wasn't wrong. Again.
This knowledge changed everything, and while there was no doubt in my mind that my father was being played just as much as I was, there was also only one person who would've done something like that—who had something to gain from Heidi's death.
Even though I shouldn't be, I was sad about my mother nonetheless. Xavier knew this, and it was probably why he wasn't rushing me right now.
"And I'm sorry for shooting you, even if it was your dumbass that jumped in front of the bullet." He deadpans, side glancing at me as my eyes widen slightly at his words.
I want to tell him to fuck off and that it was his fault for aiming at my father in the first place, but instead, I do something completely unexpected—something I haven't done in too long.
I smiled, and that grin turned into a laugh that was part relief and part exhaustion. Xavier smirked and raised an eyebrow at my reaction, but after all the hell I've been through, I think I needed this kind of... well, whatever the hell this disaster was.
This temporary peace between us was just that, temporary, but it was something to be accepted for now.
Months ago I would've reveled at the idea of being back here—honestly, I would have cried and refused to ever let them go, but killing Andrew had killed me in ways I still can't describe. I held no regrets, but his death didn't take away my trauma. It didn't take away my pain.
I've been hurting for so long that I couldn't help but be changed in the process, something I know Alec, Caleb, and Xavier hadn't prepared themselves for in their plans to see me again.
"I'm sorry for wishing you dead right afterwards." I match his tone beat for beat with amusement, his only response being a slight curl of his lips.
It was then that I realized how much he had changed too.
Xavier always had a powerful sense of authority about him, something that had set my skin aflame from the very first moment I saw him at that wedding so long ago. But now... now he felt restrained.
For the first time today, I felt a crushing sense of awareness as I looked along the way he held himself, because it was restraint, I realized, that had changed him.
His forced title as Don had been every bit of a cage as he'd feared it would be, and even within the walls of the house he built for his family, he was trapped inside of it with no way out.
"That's quite alright, sweetheart." He smirked as he broke the silent tension between our stares, even if it felt a little forced in the end. "To be completely honest, I don't think I would blame or stop you if you tried."
Xavier broke his gaze from me at that, and I didn't speak anymore to it.
There was nothing I could say right now to fix any of this, nothing that would be real at least.
Taking another sip of my coffee, I didn't care at the possibility it could be drugged or some sort of gesture to try and woo me back here for good. As stupid as it was, I knew I was safe here... at least for now.
Too much has been left unaddressed between us for too long, but there were still things I needed to know that I couldn't leave waiting.
Was that why Xavier was here?
I simply could not tell anymore.
"Can I ask you a question?" I ask softly, not sure if I was prepared for the answer, but parting my lips to speak anyways.
In this, I could not be a coward, no matter how much easier of a person that would be to crawl into.
"Always." Xavier says instantly, only wincing once it was too late to take it back. That one word felt like a shot to my heart, but all I did was shake it off as I turned to him, refusing to hold off on this any longer.
I needed to know where we stood.
"Am I a prisoner here now?" I ask, tilting my head upwards slightly as though that could somehow make things feel like there was even ground between us. We both knew there wasn't, however.
Xavier's eyebrows furrowed as he clenched his jaw, a long, slow breath leaving his lungs and telling me the answer for him.
It made me angry, no, it made me furious, but I had been prepared for it. Xavier simply confirmed what I had suspected: our fight was far from over.
"As the Don, Madelyn, you know I can't let you leave." He murmurs, but every word is more than clear. Xavier said what was expected of him, and yet, I'd wished with every part of me he wouldn't have.
He just drew a line between us, one I knew would inevitably have to be crossed at some point in the near future. To his credit, he genuinely didn't seem like he wanted things to be this way. But, then again, here we were.
"And what about as Xavier?" I dare to push, the coffee in my hand long having lost its appeal.
I can tell he didn't expect that question and didn't know what to make of it either, earning me another sigh that had me wanting to strangle him.
He'd changed.
We all had it appears.
"As Xavier..." He frowned, twisting his body towards mine and seeing where my hand unconsciously rubbed at my wrist still, "you should know that talking to you right now is the only thing keeping me from knocking Alec out for handcuffing you against your will, no matter how good of a place his reasons came from."
He spoke so unwaveringly that I knew he was telling the truth, jarring me in a way I hadn't expected to feel in his presence anymore.
Xavier made it sound like he cared, and I hated that it wasn't enough.
"We just want you, darling. Nothing more." Caleb's words repeated themselves again in my head, leaving me haunted by perhaps the most grueling truth of all.
In the end, it didn't change a damn thing.
_____
I told Xavier to leave. I didn't care that it was his own house, that the guilt I'd felt for Alec had worn off, or that out of the three of them, Caleb was the only one to treat me as his equal.
Offering to feed me hadn't been for me and it wasn't meant to be an act of dominance. Caleb simply had wanted to be there I think, and I wished, God did I wish, that it could have been enough for me.
In some ways, I suppose it was as he was the only reason I was currently stepping foot outside of Alec's bedroom to see them, but then again, I did not come with good intentions. They would see that soon, whether they wanted to or not.
This time, I would not let them knock me out to subdue me like my father had done only mere nights ago. No, they will soon see that a little bit of food and sleep was more than enough to kick back up the fight in me that I had temporarily gone without, this time the kind that would not fade so easily.
"Madelyn!" A small voice cried out as I loomed around the hall, being met with the grand staircase that led down to the living room on the left and the kitchen on the right. There, spread out on the couches and armchairs that surrounded a new coffee table, sat Xavier, Caleb, and Alec, all three straightening up at the young girl's squeal and the sight of me making my way down the stairs.
I barely spared them a glance, though.
I was much more focused on the small brunette who'd just leaped out of her big brother's arms, not even letting me make it to the last step before her body slammed into me.
"Hey, Nina." I chuckled as she threw herself into my arms, forcing me to sit down where I stood at how hard she clung to me. "Good to see you haven't lost any of your energy." I kissed the top of her head, smiling at the feeling of her little giggle against my chest.
My mind could sense the fact that there were three eyes on us right now, very likely stunned by this entire interaction, but I didn't care.
Nina was the biggest reason I came back, and to see her smile, to see that she was already less pale, and that she couldn't be harmed by anybody at the Keep... it was worth all of it. Even the part where I realized there were trackers in my shoes and were forced to ditch them on the freezing cold road.
"Come." She smiles as she pulls away from me, her fingers wrapping around my hand and tugging me over to the living room. "Uncle Avi's going to make lunch for us." Nina says, my betraying eyes carrying over to the only person I could think that name would apply to.
The man, as cold and as collected as Xavier Alcaraz, was utterly adored by this little girl who called him by a title of family, Caleb very likely having the same treatment despite neither having any blood relation to one another.
I hadn't expected to feel sad as Nina's hand left mine and ran over to the blond whose eyes were trained on me, the child going straight to his arms and laughing as he scooped her up.
"And, Uncle Cal said that if I was quiet while you slept, we could play pranks together on my brother while he helps in the kitchen." Nina loudly whispers, still smiling from ear to ear even after the trauma she's been through these last few days.
I admired that of her more than she knew, because I wished I had more of that in me right now.
I wish that I wasn't resigning myself at how happy she was—at how much of a family they were to each other despite the flaws that came with it.
While I'd been gone, they... well, they still had their love, their friendship, their companionship.
It shouldn't hurt. I shouldn't be jealous.
But I am.
"You'll stay, won't you, princess?" Nina asks, looking to where I still remained, unmoving from the spot she'd dragged me to.
As the Don, Madelyn, you know I can't let you leave.
Just another set of handcuffs, even if they weren't physically around my wrists.
I looked to Alec who wasn't even looking at me, showing no reaction at the fact his sister had taken up his nickname for me. Then I looked to Xavier who was the complete opposite, leaned forward on the couch with his elbows propped on his knees.
All he could do was stare, Caleb's attention a combination of playing with Nina and giving me glances that he wasn't ashamed to show were ones of desperation.
"No." I say, not sadly, not angrily, not gently. I simply speak, even if I would love to stay and see Nina for a little longer. "I was actually just leaving once I have my things returned to me." Not a question, but rather a demand to any three men to collect what they took.
I couldn't possibly leave in this kind of weather in shorts, and I'm currently regretting not stealing a pair of Alec's sweats while I was alone in his room.
"She's staying." Xavier asserts, partially to Nina but mostly to me. It made my blood boil, and we all knew we would not be causing a scene in front of the seven year old.
Not wanting to dance around each other, I simply turned and left to go back upstairs. Knowing that the chances of me getting my dagger back were slim, I opted for something else that would help: better freaking clothes.
Hearing heavy footsteps behind me, I didn't bother looking back as I strode right into Alec's room, closing the door and locking it without a single bit of regret.
"Madelyn." Caleb gently knocks only seconds later as I go over to the large dresser on the side of the one wall, opening the middle drawer to find Alec hadn't changed his organization at all. He had stacks of neatly folded sweatpants on the right side, all freshly washed and way too big for my waist.
They were better than these stupid shorts, though.
Even as I hear the lock at the door click back to its normal place from the outside, I strip off the bottoms Alec had dressed me in, not caring that Caleb could now see me as I shucked the material onto the bed.
"Contrary to what all of you overbearing dicks believe, I'm not staying here unless you physically force me down." I say, bending and stepping into the smallest pair of Alec's sweats I could find.
Pulling the drawstring tight, I tied a quick bow that thankfully left them mostly snug around my hips, providing me some sort of protection against the soon to be chilling air.
"And as much as I would love to see you try, Caleb," I continue, kneeling to roll the bottoms of both pant legs until they sat nicely at my ankles, "I think we both know that it would be a fight you would lose."
Just as the last word spilled angrily from my mouth, I was tempted to jump as a pair of black shoes were dropped at my side where I was still crouched, Caleb having snuck up behind me.
Telling just by looking at them that they were my size, I picked them up in slight disbelief before taking the time to slip both of them on.
I wasn't going to acknowledge the fact of what he'd offered, and I most certainly wasn't going to thank him. Even with the pained look across his face.
"Madelyn." He says my name again as I turn straight to leave, walking up to my front when he sees I have no intention of stopping. He doesn't grab me or force me to listen, and I don't want to think about how hurt he looks as he places his hand on my shoulder, sliding down the length of my arm until his fingers brush against my own.
He intertwines his touch in with mine—soft enough that I still have the ability to pull away should I desire, but strong enough to show me how bad he didn't want me to go.
"Stay." Caleb whispers, squeezing my fingers slightly tighter as his eyes fall shut. "Please, darling." A beg. "Please stay."
But I couldn't. No, I wouldn't
In another world, I would want to. I would tell him yes, and know that everything could be okay again. However, we don't have another world. We only have this one right here, and I was leaving.
Stepping into him, I let myself rise onto my tip toes, if only for a moment.
I shook in his soft grasp as I placed a single hand on his shoulder, tilting my head up until I was close enough to feel his cool exhale.
"I'm sorry." I whisper in return as I watch a tear fall past his closed eye, spilling down his cheek before I moved to kiss it away. Just once—a thank you, because I knew that Caleb understood what it felt like to be trapped in a house of gold.
"I'm sorry." I say again, and I meant it not just for him, but for everything every single one of us has lost in this last year.
There are ghosts of ourselves that remain inside of the shattered pieces of our hearts, and right now, I was laying Caleb's to rest. Savouring one last second, I let him go, pulling my lips away and loosening my grip around his hand.
Caleb's eyes remained closed long enough that I didn't see the icy blues of his gaze again as I walked around his tall body, numbness wrapping around my every being with each step away from him. This time, he didn't come after me.
Loneliness was a drowning force that I felt wash over me again and again as I made it to the stairs, my features hardened by the time Alec and Xavier were able to see me.
I walked down and gave Nina a kiss on her head while her tiny arms wrapped around me, saying that Uncle Avi already explained that I wouldn't be staying for lunch today and that she wanted me to come visit her again soon so we could colour together some more.
I gave Nina every bit of kindness that I had to offer because she deserved it all, and when I eventually left to leave, Xavier did nothing but watch me.
With a car already waiting outside for me—a decision on their part that I didn't show my surprise of—there was nothing left to do.
"Madelyn, wait." A voice called out to me just as my hand met the handle, and I listened as I froze, some part of me begging myself to stay, another part telling me that this place was a home I no longer belonged in.
But still, I waited as I felt Alec walk by me, tense and conflicted. I held my breath at the sight of him grabbing a coat from one of the many hooks at the front door, one that was heavy and suitable for the freezing cold weather awaiting me just a step away.
I had thought he was about to tell me I wasn't allowed to go—that I didn't have a choice but to stay with them, but he didn't.
Instead, he wrapped the jacket around my body, watching as I placed my arms into each hole. Reaching down and moving the zipper into place, Alec's eyes held on mine as he slowly pulled it up, encasing me within the heat of both the thick coat and his intense gaze.
"You were right," He says quietly, his head dipping down as his hands drop away from my body, "And I'm sorry."
But even with his apology, I walked out the door minutes later, knowing one thing and one thing only.
There was nothing left for me here.
- End of Chapter 11 -
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