[Jimin]
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"It's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes!"
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I wondered if Nelly really knew what an anthem and norm he started when he created that line in his song, 'Hot In Herre'. Even though the DJ was belting out the instructions from the rapper to the crowd, I was ready to 'Get the Hell outta herre...' Especially when I saw the lips of someone who meant something special to me on the lips of another. Why was he doing that? Amanda being the noisemaker that she is, was in front of me screaming and shouting out with the other party goers as I walked out into the yard in front of my best friend Tae's house. This house pool party sucked just like all the others. Just jocks and cheerleaders drinking, dancing, smoking and seriously making out. But why was he making out with her? This wasn't like him at all. I literally froze and I think my heart stopped after seeing the scene in front of me.
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I was walking out the house with Amanda, a female college student and friend of Tae's really, who had stuck herself on my arm. She was one of the girls I knew who just happened to be very clingy. I tolerated being around her because she seemed happy when she saw me or when she was around me. I like it when people were happy especially if I was the one making them feel that way. Even if deep down I myself wasn't really happy, the joy I brought to the many people who had admired me, my work and my dedication to our school should be enough. Or was it? I already knew the answer to that question. I wasn't really happy. I was just satisfied and content bringing joy to others. But was he happy kissing her? Sometimes I wished I wasn't the person I was so I could just scream out all my pain and I felt like doing that right now.
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I was very popular in high school and now in university. It was a role I had grown accustomed to and it helped me make the transition from teenage to young adult manageable. Maybe it was because my father was a big shot director in the movie industry and my big brother, Jin and I lived in the lap of luxury. Or maybe it was the traumas we had faced and the coping mechanisms we developed to overcome them. Very early in his career, my dad, the now very popular Park Joo-Won, started his movie industry very small. It was just a tiny studio where he made advertisements and a few shorts but through his talent and dedicated ambition he was able to make it big. When he made a biopic on his life from his native country of South Korea to his migration to the United States, he met my mother the famous American celebrity Lily Thomas. She admired his work and they hit it off immediately. My dad then became the famous boyfriend of actress, singer and dancer Miss Thomas. He moved his small studio into the Hollywood arena.
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When my dad's fourth documentary, "The Earth Below", won an Oscar, it was after this wonderful feat that he and my mother, who narrated for the award winning film, secretly got married. They were actually successful at keeping their private lives, private. There were issues with paparazzi and strange fanatics so they kept their lives shielded including their children. After a month long and wild honeymoon my brother Jin-Won was born nine months after. I came one year later. My sister, Jane was born two years after me but was taken back to heaven at the age of six: Leukaemia. My mother, who right after giving birth to Jane decided to get a hysterectomy thinking that she was over with her baby making days, was totally distraught when Jane died. We thought she was blessed that she still had us boys but nothing could fill the gap of not just losing her child but her only daughter. To make matters worse, because of her decision to take out her womb and ovaries, it was now impossible for her to have any more children. She cried for days and weeks. When it was close to a month of utter mourning, my dad decided to take an entire year off from work and dedicated to making my mom get better.
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The thing about depression it's like a wormhole. It can start small but it will slowly eat you inside, sucking out all the joy and happiness from you. Even though my mother was getting the right medicine, treatments and the love and support of her family, that hole remained open and unknown to us, was getting larger and larger. One year after, on the morning of the anniversary of my sister's death, my dad woke up but when he kissed my mom, she didn't respond. My brother and I heard his cries all the way to our rooms. We rushed to our parents' bedroom to see my dad trying to resuscitate my mother. My brother was ten at the time and being the more responsible one, he took up the house phone and dialled 911 while I was bawling my eyes out. By the time the paramedics arrived my father was beyond consolation. They couldn't do anything for her. My mother had taken her life around the same time frame that my sister was pronounced dead. That night my mom waited for us to fall asleep, had walked to our rooms and left letters one for each of us on our bedside tables and then laid back on the bed and emptied almost all the tablets from the medicine cabinet down her throat. She was 41 years old.
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Needless to say the days and months following her suicide became like a blur to me: our grandparents and families coming to console us, the media coverage which dad kept us hidden from, mom's funeral, the many counselling sessions and our everyday living. My dad was in a mess and so were we. Then one day he just woke up and took us on a long trip all over the US. I like to call it our "Scream and Shout Trip". He carried us to various places where we could scream out as loud as we wanted to and that we did. We screamed out all our frustrations, our anger, our sadness on various rollercoaster rides, race car driving, skydiving, bungee jumping, surfing and finally hearing our echoes in the Grand Canyon. We ended our journey in South Korea. My mother had always said that after visiting my dad's family that she fell in love with the beautiful country and wanted to live there. She and my dad were supposed move when they retired and when we were old enough to take care of ourselves. So unknown to us, my dad had her ashes in two beautiful boxes with him the entire trip. I finally understood the bag that was strapped to his chest the entire time. He buried one box of her ashes in his family plot. Then we sailed on The Yellow Sea and he took out the other box and allowed the sea breeze to take the rest of her remains into the Korean air. It was sad for him but I could see that he felt fulfilled. Our mom would rest where she always wanted to be: in beautiful South Korea.
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Believe it or not, the trip worked as we were able to continue on with our lives. We came back to the States to find out that dad had sold the house and we settled in one of the large bungalows in his mega-movie studio. He moved all our stuff there but he changed his furniture and donated all of mom's clothing and shoes. The only thing he kept of her was the dress and accessories she wore at the Academy Awards when he won the award and a few pieces of jewellery she had from her parents and grandparents. Even though I missed my mom and my old home, it was kind of cool living where I could see famous actors and actresses every day and seeing them at work with my dad. Our trip really helped him and he dedicated his next documentary to his late wife, our mom, Lily. He included some live footage of our trip and how we dealt with the grief and sadness of losing her but also how we were eager to make her proud to continue living on without her. Dad was always a worker but we didn't mind him doing this black and white film at all. He did it tastefully and there was just one scene of Jin and me although our voices were heard numerous times throughout the film. Dad kept us hidden. He said in her letter to him, she wanted us to remain a family and do what she couldn't do: move on with our lives. And that no matter what happens that she will always love us.
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I think this was why I am the way that I am. At first after the crying had subsided, I was upset at life: for God taking my mom from us and leaving us alone then I was disappointed at all of us, myself included, for wanting to live without her. I even refused to read the letter she left for me. My dad told my 10 year old self that apparently my mom just didn't know how to let go of Jane. That it pained her so much to be apart from my sister that she wanted to be with her forever. She knew that my dad would take care of us boys so she went to take care of my sister in heaven. At the time it would've been the only way my father could've explained my mom's mental issues and it was only years later in my studies that I came to the realization that her actions were not really her own but that of a disease that took over her body, mind and soul.
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Through the lessons learnt from my experiences with my mom's death and the grief of our family, at first made me very bitter and angry. But then I started to channel into making sure that the people around me were happy. The thought of that made me content even though I still had to find out what made me happy. Happiness I knew came from within. I had many counsellors advising me that a loss like that would take time to heal and that my scars would never really leave... blah-blah-blah. I knew it wasn't rubbish but to me it just wasn't practical. It was easy for them to say those things but I was actually living in it. So my focus was, "If I wasn't truly happy then I'll strive to make others happy and that would make me happy in return". I really didn't know if that would work but my thoughts of my loved one in heaven smiling down at me as I helped others love themselves, that in itself was my happiness.
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I never knew I could feel any happiness at all until I met Jungkook.
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Although at the moment we were at Tae's pool party and my happiness sort of faded a bit seeing Jungkook kissing Molly. Did he like her? I knew my eyes were getting glassy and it didn't help that Amanda and some of the others were jeering on my friend, my little brother, Jungkook, who was backed-up on the wall of the house with his lips locked to Molly's lips. I stood staring in shock. I didn't know he had feelings for her but seeing him with her like that would make my heart stop beating. Upon hearing the cat calls around them, Jungkook immediately stopped and pushed her gently away from him. He looked around and it was then I saw the look in his eyes: shame, embarrassment, pain, hurt... Jungkook had tears welling up into his eyes as he looked at me. This was more than just being caught secretly making out with a girl who was just as clingy as Amanda but it felt like he didn't want me to see him like that at all. Jungkook looked away as he heard the other students whistling and cheering him on. Molly was blushing and gasping in delight but then he turned and stared back at me. It was like we were literally frozen in our spots just looking at each other in shock. I honestly thought maybe he had secret feelings for me and my heart felt real sadness because deep down I thought I had feelings for him.
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Amanda looked at my face then to Jungkook's then back to me. She came up to me and grabbed my arm, "Come on, Jimin sweetie. Let's leave these lovebirds to finish what they were doing." Then she shouted to everyone there, "Come on everyone, leave them alone and let's continue to enjoy ourselves." But that's where she was wrong: I wasn't enjoying myself at all. Jungkook was kissing someone and that made me upset. Why should I be distraught though? He could do what he wanted. He's a young adult who just happened to want the lips of lil ole Molly. Fuck! Damn-it! I wondered if it had anything to do with what happened earlier...
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About half an hour earlier into the party, I needed to release my fluids so I had gone to the bathroom. After I had passed one of the bedrooms, I felt all the pores on my arms open and happened to see Jungkook inside. It was dark but I knew it was him. My body always reacted whenever he was near and I could make out his silhouette anywhere. He was sitting on the edge of the bed all alone. I was just about to go in to ask him if he was okay when I felt Amanda grabbing my arm. We bumped into the door opening it out more.
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Amanda laughed out loudly, "Oops... Oh my bad, Jungkook. I didn't know you were in here. Maybe you're waiting on someone. Molly maybe? I'll go get her for you."
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Jungkook looked up at us and I saw the sadness in his eyes. He only came tonight because I asked him to come but as soon as I came into the house, Amanda was all over me. I followed his bright brown eyes as he watched the two of us and I held his gaze in mine.
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"Amanda, please don't..." but I couldn't finish because she insisted that we leave him be and she pulled me back downstairs to get another drink.
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Why was I so accommodating? Why did I feel like I had to please everyone? I only went with Amanda because I didn't want her to tell everyone that I chose to stay in a dark room alone with Jungkook instead of following her. The kind of friendship Amanda wanted with me was really one-sided because here I was standing around the pool area, drinking a beer while she took off her clothing to reveal a skimpy bikini underneath and yet nothing moved me. Nothing touched my heart except the look from the boy upstairs all alone in the bedroom. I saw as she whispered something to Molly who immediately blushed and skipped into the house and was walking up the stairs. My eyes locked in on her to see what would happen but she came back a few minutes after, all alone.
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"Mandy, what game are you playing? He wasn't in there. Solange and Mikey were getting their freak on and I walked into them," Molly pouted and Amanda just shrugged it off. I couldn't help the smirk that came across my face just before I took another sip from the beer can.
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"Well go look for him, girl. He's somewhere waiting for you," Amanda turned her around and slapped her butt to get her to move.
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"Hey, do that again, Mandy. That was hott as hell," shouted my best friend/Rock God/chick magnet Kim Taehyung. He was laid bareback on one of the lounge chairs making out with the very popular and sexy Bailey sisters/twins. If I was popular because of the many great things I did for my school, Tae was popular because of the many great things he did for the girls in our school. He had a great heart and was a wonderful friend but he couldn't see a girl pass him without wanting "a piece of that' as he would say. He had all these girls around his fingers including the ditsy duo friendship of Mandy and Molly. Amanda did what Tae asked and slapped Molly's butt again and they both squealed out in pleasure. "Nice," Tae stated and continued squeezing and licking one of the twins' breasts in his hands while the other twin was sucking his neck and rubbing the outline of his penis.
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I had enough. Things were getting too heated and was ready to leave, "Taehyung, I think I'm gonna get out of here. I got a few papers to finish up before the weekend so I'll see you around." It was a lie but I just needed to find Jungkook and get the hell out of here.
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Tae wasn't even paying attention to me but Amanda squealed, "No wait. Please don't go. I promise to behave. That slap meant nothing to me," and she came up and rubbed her body alongside my arm.
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I gently pulled away, "Its fine," but as I was about to walk out, she grabbed on to the back of my neck and pulled me into her mouth.
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"Ooooooohhhhhhh whooooooo-hoooooooo!!!!" I heard the calls and whistles all around as Amanda's lips were on mine. She let out her tongue, trying to pry my mouth open but I kept it closed and gently pushed her back. Tae's voice was heard again, "Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! Way to go Mandy and Mini!!!"
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I was totally in shock but then I felt eyes digging into my face. I turned only to see Jungkook looking at me. He was more in shock than I was. I finally got her lips off of me. Amanda hugged me tightly and was laughing with Tae but they were only a blur. Jungkook's eyes were piercing my heart and I felt my soul leave me when he turned around and left with Molly in tow.
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Amanda's grip was surprisingly strong. I guess being the captain of the cheerleading squad will make her quite tough but I eventually came out of her grasp and made my way to the front door. It was when I came outside that the whistles began blowing. Everyone in the front area could see as Jungkook was on the wall with Molly in front of him and he was kissing her much to her delight. I swallowed and blinked a few times hoping what I thought was forming wouldn't escape me. 'I'm not going to cry'...
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The thrilling sounds from Amanda woke me back into reality as well as Jungkook who released Molly and turned and saw me watching him. He continued to stare at me but then he pulled away from her and walked away from the house.
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"Jungkook!!!" I yelled out but he continued walking.
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Amanda went to Molly who was in her glee, jumping up and down like a little school girl who just got her first kiss. Yeah Right! I knew it wasn't her first because she was just dragging the tongue of one of the other boys by the pool area. The two girls went back inside the house probably to announce to everyone what just happened while I went to find my friend.
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Jeon Jungkook...
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I recalled the day I met him and how innocent he was...
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Jungkook was two years younger than me in age and studies. He was my junior and I had 'adopted' him as my little brother during our "Adopt a Brother' outreach programme. I was actually the one who founded the club. It was my way of helping others during their troubled times. It started off as an incentive for persons suffering with grief and depression to always have someone at your beck and call if you needed to talk but then it also branched off to the newly intake into campus who may feel intimidated or alone during their beginning time here. It was a way to welcome them into school and help them with their studies and socializing. Jungkook saw the club at the day of orientation and immediately came to me.
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I remember that day so well. I was sitting at our booth welcoming new students and helping them to fill out whatever forms they had to complete for their admission. We also had volunteers to help the newbies find their way around the large campus. Jungkook was standing in the lines in front of the booth, just watching and waiting. Taehyung who was sitting next to me noticed him.
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"Don't look now but I think you've got an admirer," he chuckled under his breath and nodded in Jungkook's direction.
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I was helping a student with her forms when Tae pointed him out to me. I leaned a little and peeped to the side of the girl and saw the big round dark brown eyes of a black haired young man who was trying his best to see me. As soon as he realized I was looking at him, he bent his head down and just stood there twiddling his feet. Then he looked up at me again staring right at me straight in my eyes. I wondered if I knew him but I know I would've remembered a face like his. He was so cute. Tae grinned.
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"Maybe he's waiting for "Prince Charming/Kit" to come to him," and he laughed.
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I hit Tae's shoulder at the mention of the nickname everyone around campus gave to me as I was set to play the role of Prince Charming aka Kit in our musical drama depiction of the live version of Walt Disney's "Cinderella". Nevertheless, I asked Tae to continue to help the female student and I took a form and a pen in my hand and found myself walking towards the introverted newbie. It was while I was walking towards him that I started to feel something. All the hairs on my body stood at attention. That day I couldn't quite say what I was feeling but after a few months of interacting with Jungkook, I knew exactly what I felt that day.
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"Hello," I said as I went up to him. The goose-bumps not going away.
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He looked at me in shock then he settled.
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"Hello," was his soft reply.
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I immediately thought of the movie 'Jerry McGuire' and the famous quote, 'You had me at hello'. I ignored my initial feelings and proceeded to give him my genuine greeting. I smiled at him and he looked up and smiled back at me. My heart opened up and I felt the rays of his smile burning inside of me. It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. I helped him with his forms although I felt he didn't really needed help. He also joined our club and asked me to be his big brother and I gladly accepted my role. Our friendship blossomed over the few months and I thought we had become so much closer but tonight had me perplexed about his actions. Jungkook was naturally a shy person. He wouldn't want to be in the spotlight or have a crowd cheering for him. But most importantly, he wouldn't be kissing Molly or anyone like that. I could see him still walking ahead on the pavement so I ran up to him.
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"Jungkook! Wait... please," I shouted as I reached up to him and put my hand on his shoulder but he shrugged off my hand and continued to walk with his head down. "Hey, buddy. What's up?" I asked but he yelled at me,
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"I'm not your 'buddy'!"
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He said the last word as though it was poison in his mouth. I was even more confused now and a little hurt but I got quiet and remained by his side matching his slow strides. Eventually he stopped and looked at me with tears rolling down his cheeks,
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"Why did you go and do that for?" His voice quivered as he wiped his tears from his cheeks.
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I had no clue what he was talking about, "What exactly are you talking about, Jungkook?" I saw him deliberating his thoughts in his mind and he eventually said something but I felt it wasn't his initial response.
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"Why did you invite me to this party if you were going to leave me alone?"
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I heard the hurt in his voice and I didn't know how to ease his pain so I just told the truth.
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"I didn't mean to leave you. You know how Amanda is. She's kind of..." I was looking for a good word when Jungkook completed the sentence with words I wasn't going to use...
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"Clingy, spoilt, overbearing, possessive..."
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I laughed, "That's a very descriptive way of looking at it," and I saw the corner of his lips curve. At least I got him to smile.
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"Jimin..."
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"Hmm..." He was looking at me now and I saw as he mustered the courage to say what he wanted to say.
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"Are you busy this weekend? There's something I want to show you. Would you be able to be make the entire weekend?" He asked and I saw the genuine look in his eyes.
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"Hmmm... I don't have anything doing this weekend other than laundry. So sure. We could hang out for the entire weekend," and I was happy because he gave me a big smile and hugged me.
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"Thank you," Jungkook whispered in my ear and I felt goose-bumps raising all over my skin.
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I tapped his back and swallowed my saliva. I loved what was happening with my body. I loved how I felt whenever he was around me but kept it a secret from him. I came out of his embrace and jumped on his back. He laughed even louder now and he held on to my legs as we walked back to Tae's house. He liked giving me piggy back rides saying it made him feel like he was the big brother taking care of his little bro.
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"Ugh... Where are we going Kookie?" I asked seeing the lights flashing coming from Tae's party.
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"You'll have to wait tomorrow to see," Jungkook answered me but I clarified my question.
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"No silly. Why are you headed back to the party?" I asked him messing up with his hair.
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"Oh! Your car's parked over there. I was kinda hoping you'd give me a ride back home," Jungkook got soft again. "I don't want to take you away from the party though. So if you want I'll wait out here while you go back in." Okay, so now he sounded disappointed and of course my job was to make others happy and I wanted him to smile his bunny smile again.
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"Oh gosh, no. I was leaving in any case. These parties really suck. All they do is drink, get high and fuck each other," I exploded a loud sigh.
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"So why do you go if you don't like them?" Jungkook's question was the same question I asked myself every time Tae invited me to one of his or another social party.
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"Tae always wants me to make an appearance even if it's for a short time. He said I'll bring in people. He claims more people come to the parties if they find out that I'll be there. So it's really to make Tae happy, I guess." It was my honest answer yet it felt like gravel coming out of my mouth. Then Jungkook shocked me,
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"So you're content to making everyone else happy except yourself." He stopped walking when I remained silent for a few seconds and didn't respond to his comment. "Wow! Was I actually able to silence the great debate captain and motivational speaker?"
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"Jungkook..." I was actually stuttering and I felt my body shaking.
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Jungkook realized something was happening to me and he bent down to the ground and gently took me off of his back. But then he swiftly turned around and held on to my arms looking at my face while I looked down at his shoes. I never told anyone about my mantra. No-one... How could he know that? How could he know that I wasn't happy?
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"Jimin..."
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I remained quiet and still and Jungkook followed suit. When I finally looked up at him, I saw the calmness on his face.
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"Hello..."
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"Hello..."
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Hello was our first word to each other. At first it was Jungkook's trigger/target word to bring him back to reality if he ever found himself lost inside his world away from our world. But tonight he used it on me when I found myself going into my hole. I had confided in him about my mom's depression and how it not only stole her life but also how it took away the life from my family and me.
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Jungkook had come to our university broken as well. He lost his little brother in an accident a few years ago and he was still grieving. We were both middle children who through death became the last in our families. While my mom took her life, Jungkook's parents almost separated going through their demons of losing a child. But through their love and the help of everyone around them, thankfully they were able to overcome their grief together. Jungkook said they were more in love with each other now.
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The party lights were flashing but all I saw was the spark in Jungkook's eyes. I smiled at him and told him I was okay. He nodded and we went to my car. Jungkook took my car keys and proceeded to open my door for me and I was grateful for him taking over. If felt so good to be taken care of especially by a friend and not someone who was paid to do things for me. Even though I was brought up in a life where I had maids, cooks and drivers, after my mom's death it was like I grew up overnight. I cleaned up, made my own meals, did my own laundry and drove myself around as soon as I got my driver's license. Living on campus became a breeze for me and I encouraged my other rich classmates to follow suit.
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Jungkook was different though. He didn't grow up in a lavish household like mine but a humble middle class family. Both his parents were teachers and were content to bringing up their children in a loving warm environment. So while I went to an exclusive private high school and had personal tutors for my extra curricula activities, Jungkook went to public schooling and joined local community sporting teams.
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I rocked back in my seat and looked at him while he drove. He was singing along to the songs on my memory stick. I was listening to Adam Levine's "Lost Stars" and I knew Kook loved that song too so I didn't mind when he played it from the beginning and began singing over Adam's voice. Sorry dude, Jungkook's version was so much better than yours. I smiled and felt my eyes closing eventually falling asleep with my friend's beautiful voice ringing inside of me.