Josh's POV
I rolled over in bed instinctively reaching out for Rhiannon, but she wasn't there. I felt my stomach drop as the events from the previous night came flooding back. It wasn't a bad dream, but it was definitely a real life nightmare. I peeked out of my door, seeing Rhiannon's door still shut. I gently grabbed the door knob, still locked. I took a deep breath as I walked to the bathroom, looking in the mirror at my eyes that were swollen from crying. My phone buzzed and I looked at the screen.
Sam-Are you and Rhiannon still coming over to see me and Danny's new apartment tonight?
-I might be able to make it, but Rhiannon isn't feeling great.
Sam- tell her we hope she feels better. Let me know if you can make it later.
-will do
Sam and Danny had opted to take the earlier moving date as well, moving in a block over from Rhiannon and I. put my phone on the counter and took a deep breath. I was exhausted, and I felt this numbness, while somehow also feeling so much pain. I decided to take a shower and get dressed, forcing myself to get ready for the day. I looked at the time and realized it was breakfast time but we didn't have any groceries seeing as we had just gotten here yesterday. I knew Rhiannon had placed a grocery order yesterday and it was supposed to arrive today, hoping they would be here in time for me to make her and I lunch. I sat on the couch, looking around at all the boxes that needed to be unpacked. I knew I didn't know where Rhiannon wanted everything but I needed to do something to keep myself busy. I had gotten a few boxes unpacked by the time I heard a knock on the door. I tipped the grocery delivery guy and started putting stuff into the fridge and pantry. I paused when I pulled out a bag of mangos. Before she was pregnant she had hated mangos, but she had been craving them recently. I knew she probably wouldn't want them now. I put them on the counter and opted to just take them to Sam because mangos weren't really my thing either. Once I got the groceries put away I took out the ingredients to make Rhiannon and I lunch. I decided on making her a sandwich with some chips. I layered on the things I knew she liked, simple: Turkey, pickles, lettuce. I put some potato chips on the side and grabbed a bottle of juice. I walked over to her door and hesitantly knocked with my foot, seeing as my hands were full. No answer.
"I'm getting the very clear message that you want to be alone, but I made you some lunch. I'll just leave it outside the door. You don't have to talk to me, but you need to eat or at least get something to drink." I said as sweetly as I could. No answer. I took a deep breath as I forced myself to walk away. The more she ignored me, and pulled away, the more frustrated and hurt I started to feel. I walked back into the living room to start unpacking more. I started with my boxes first, then as the hours passed I finally got to the point where all that was left were Rhiannon's. I thought for a moment if she would mind if I unpacked some of her things, I decided she probably wouldn't care. I started unpacking more of her vinyl, adding it to my collect, our collection. At the bottom of the box of vinyls I found a photo album. Most of them were pictures of her and her dad. She looked just like him, and always had a beaming smile on her face. Pictures of her learning to walk, a picture of her behind a cake that said 'happy fifth birthday' with a dollop of icing on her nose as she giggled, a picture of her with her first bike with her fiery red hair sticking out from under her helmet. I felt tears coming to my eyes as I realized I could have had all of these moments with a child of my own in the near future, if we hadn't have experienced this loss. The next page I saw was full of pictures of Rhiannon with a black and white cat, the kind that look like they are wearing a tuxedo. I looked at the pictures and realized she had probably had the cat for a long time. I was surprised she had never mentioned him, although I did know she loved cats. I continued to flip through the pages until I got to the end. I jumped when my phone went off,
Sam- are you coming over or what?
I looked over to Rhiannon's room, she hadn't made a single sound, or even peeked her head out to get the food I had left. I needed to get out of here.
-Yeah, I'll be over in the next hour or so.
I got up, going over to her door and picking up the food I had left out half the day. I threw it in the trash and decided to make some soup to leave for her for dinner. I placed the tray holding the soup and crackers on the floor.
"Rhiannon, I need a sign that you're ok. I mean, I know you're not ok, but you know what I mean." I said, my phone buzzed,
Rhiannon- I'm alive.
I sighed, partly out of relief and partly out of annoyance, she really couldn't have just said that through the door. I wanted to hear her voice.
"Well, I'm going to Sam's. If you need me, need anything, call me. I am leaving you some soup." I said through the door. No answer. I grabbed the bag of mangos off the counter and I walked out of the apartment and got into the elevator. I felt bad leaving her, but it wasn't like she wanted me around right now, or even gave me the time of day to ask how I was doing. I shook the thought, it made me feel selfish. I pulled my phone out to send her a text,
-I love you,
As I made the walk over to Sam and Danny's I kept checking my phone, waiting for her to say it back, If I couldn't hear it from her mouth, I at least needed to read it. Every time I looked I was let down. Did she not love me anymore? I didn't know what I would do, I couldn't handle it if I lost her too. I sighed loudly as I walked into the lobby of the building, looking at my texts again to remember their apartment number. I made my way up and knocked on the door. I heard the lock turn before Sam opened the door.
"Hey, about time you finally made it over," He said as I walked past, slipping my shoes off at the door.
"Yeah, yeah, happy house warming." I said as I handed him the bag in my hand,
"Why the fuck did you bring me mangos?" He asked with a confused look,
"Wanted to be original." I said as I walked over to the fridge, taking out a beer and starting to drink it immediately.
"Sure Josh, help yourself." He said as he placed the mangos on the counter. "Let me show you around." I followed behind him as he showed me around, he talked the whole time but I didn't seem to be retaining a single thing he was saying. My brain felt exhausted, emotionally I'd assume. I wanted to tell him, I needed someone to talk to, but I didn't say anything because Rhiannon had been clear she didn't want anyone knowing. "While you're here do you want to help me unpack?"
"Where is Danny?" I asked, finally coming to the realization that he wasn't here.
"He went to visit Kenzi for a week or so before we start getting more busy." he replied
"I guess while I'm here I can help you unpack a little," I said as I put down my beer. He pointed me in the direction of some boxes, I opened it and started unwrapping things.
"Have you seen the box labelled dishes?" Sam asked as he looked around,
"No, I'll go check in the other room." I said as I walked down the hall. I did indeed find the box and was walking back to the dining room when I felt my phone buzz. I picked up my pace, eager to see the text. In my rush I stubbed my toe on the table, almost causing me to drop the box. I stumbled and placed it down on the table. I grabbed my toe with one hand as I reached for my phone with the other. I was so sure that it was Rhiannon that when I saw it wasn't I felt my emotions become too much. Anger, sadness, frustration, pain. I threw my phone across the room, it breaking as it smashed against the wall.
"What the fuck Josh" Sam snapped as he turned from what he was doing. I said nothing but I broke down in tears as I sunk to the floor. "What is going on. I am so lost right now." I said nothing but continued to sob as he walked over and sat next to me. "Is this because Rhiannon is pregnant?" He asked and my head shot up,
"What?" I asked, my voice faltering as I tried to stop crying,
"New years, she wouldn't drink. So I just assumed." He shrugged,
"You didn't tell anyone did you?" I asked quickly,
"No, does that mean I'm right?" He asked unknowingly. I took a deep breath as my head fell back against the wall. If she wasn't going to talk to me, I needed someone.
"She was." Sam's face fell as he kept his eyes on me, "She..we, lost the baby last night." I broke down again as the words left my mouth.
"Josh, I'm so sorry." Sam wrapped me in a hug. He wasn't very good with emotions and I knew this was probably making him slightly uncomfortable but I just needed someone. As my sobs slowed down I was able to talk,
"I just don't know what to do. Rhiannon has locked herself away, she won't even talk to me, she won't eat, she just stays in her room." I said as I wiped my face, "I just, It feels selfish to say but she's not the only one who lost something, and I keep checking on her, wanting to comfort her, and she hasn't said a word to me. I just feel so alone."
"It's not selfish Josh, the baby was just as much a part of you as it was a part of her, you are allowed to feel these things too, just as much as her. I'm sorry she is closing herself off from you, and that you feel alone, if it helps you can always come here and talk to me. I know I'm not Rhiannon and thats who you really want to talk to, but I'm always here to listen." He paused, looking at his hands. I nodded, letting him know that I was listening, "And as far as Rhiannon, I guess you'll just have to be patient with her, I'm sure she'll come around eventually. She loves you."
"It's just hard. I just wish she'd give me a sign, that she is trying to be ok. I don't want her to just stay in there and get more and more depressed. I know it just happened, but I just want her to be ok, to start healing. I just wish she'd let me back in" I sighed,
"Give her time Josh," he said as he put his hand on my shoulder, "And seriously, don't ever feel like you can't come talk to me."
"I would have told you sooner but she asked me to keep quiet. In the beginning she didn't want to steal Jake and Sloans moment, and then she didn't want to taint their experience with this, or to make them worried." I said as I stood up,
"I won't say anything to anyone, I promise." Sam said as he too stood up,
"Well, I should probably get back seeing as she has no way to contact me now," I said as I picked up my shattered phone. "I can't believe I just exploded like that, I'm sorry"
"Don't apologize, I can't believe you've been dealing with all of this by yourself,"
"I'm glad I came over and we talked about it, it really helped Sam, thank you." I said as we hugged again, "I'll send you a text when I get a new phone tomorrow, see you around."
"Bye Josh, don't hesitate to text me." I turned and waved, acknowledging that I heard him as I walked down the hall. I hurried back to the apartment worried that Rhiannon would need me before I got back. I opened the door and was surprised to hear a small amount of noise coming from her room, it sounded like the tv. I looked down and smiled softly as I realized that she had eaten the soup and even some of the crackers. I picked up the tray, carrying it to the kitchen when I saw a small piece of paper. I recognized the paper as the same kind that was in her little black leather notebook, the side was jagged and it was clear she had ripped it out. I unfolded it, breathing a sigh of relief as I read it,
"Thank you, I love you."