Great. I cried myself to sleep again. It's 2 A.M. now, fucking fantastic. Those words were just too familiar. It was too much for me in that moment. They collided with my heart like a fucking train. I hated this feeling. I felt like doing something idiotic, something that would do the opposite of alleviating the emotions I'm feeling. I just...needed to see his face again.
I went into my backpack I'd had since high school, and pulled out the picture I had, of us.
Him and I.
Us.
We were so at peace in that day. Nothing had gone wrong yet. There was no trauma behind our eyes yet. There was no fear that lingered, yet, that's what brought us closest. It's what truly made us love each other, and now he was gone. I started to weep again.
I took off back into my bedroom. I slept. I dreamed.
Dreaming.
. ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .
"It bothers you, doesn't it?"
"It does."
"Well, that's because you think too much about what others think of you."
"It's not that easy. You're the only one who gets it."
He laughs.
"That isn't really true Y/N. I'm sure there's plenty of people who view you the same way I do. As yourself."
"You're different."
"No, I'm just understanding that others are different. I still love them all the same. I still love you all the same.
"I don't."
"Why don't you?"
"They're just all...too judgemental. They don't even try to understand. I thought this was supposed to be a new era, so why is it like this? What happened to being more open minded?"
"I'm sure they will be in time. Even my dad was happy about our relationship. You're still the same person we know. The same person I know. The same person I love."
"You know just what to say to make me feel better, to make me be all smiles."
"It better not be a fake one. I want to make you feel better. Don't fake anything around me, alright? You're a beautiful woman. Keep telling yourself that is who you are until you feel like you are. I love you, Y/N."
"I love you too. I'll always love you, you're the best boyfriend eve-"
. ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .
I woke up to the sound of my alarm blaring again. It was time to go to work already? Fuck. After another terrible night, I once again didn't feel like going. I had to though, having a bad night is never an excuse. I was hoping to see Michael again today. It was nice to somewhat get to know him better, but something in me still wanted to learn more. What was his job? What made him freeze up the way he did? What kept him up at night?
He makes me feel confused. Is he mysterious or familiar? Is he pleasant to be around, or is he unsettling? Why? Why did I want to know? I don't care really, I just want to know.
As I entered the store I had grown so accustomed too, I was already greeted with winks behind the counter, signalling over to my right. Seriously? Masaki was so childish. There stood Michael, he hadn't noticed me yet. Thank God, or he might see Masaki teasing me and think something strange was going on. I'd hate for him to feel awkward or anxious again.
Walking behind the counter, Jennie greeted me with a hug. Only she knew how much I needed it right now. The nights felt like they were getting worse, for sure a sign of the seasons changing soon. I was feeling it in my chest. Oh, that, and I was sneezing already. Fucking allergies.
I sat my stuff down, and decided I'd go say hi to Michael, earning a few hushed "oooo's" from the idiots behind the worn down counter. He was looking in the 80s box again, flipping through it hoping to find one of his favorite 80s albums I assumed.
As I was approaching, I could see the expression on his face. He had a rather somber look today, as if he had received some distressing news recently. I hoped he was doing at least, somewhat decent...
"It's good to see you again!" I said in a cheerful tone while tapping on Michael's shoulder. Hoping I could make him feel a little better, giving him a smile as well.
He turned around, I had accidentally scared him a bit. "Oh, I didn't see ya' there Y/N. How're you doing today? I hope good!" He chuckled, while trying his best to change his expression. I think he knew I already saw it though. He didn't know I could see him.
"Could be better, could be worse."
"Fair enough."
"So, what brings you in today, Michael? Anything you're looking for in particular?" I was curious why he'd come in two days in a row. Did he plan on frequenting this place, like buying a new record was his form of buying a coffee. I mean, to be fair, we did have a mini coffee shop in our store, but it was also ran by the four of us, so the menu was very, very, limited on options.
"I'm looking for Rio by Duran Duran. I hope you have one."
"Here, let's look together. There's five 80s bins, and one of our lovely co-workers never organizes the 80s in alphabetical order to spite me." I let out an irritated laugh while I grit my teeth. Like, seriously? Talk about petty, Masaki.
"I'd really appreciate your help! By the way, anyone who spites the 80s has something wrong with them. Who am I to talk about having things wrong with them though? I love the 80s and I've got plenty shitty....issues. What if we are the problem?" Michael snickers.
"You and me both. Trust me when I say we aren't the problem, though. We made it possible for everyone to have the fun they have now. The 80s rock." I have a smug look on my face. Nice pun, Y/N. Go me!
We both begin to laugh. I'm sure at this point we have the same humor, so I don't think I need to hold much back anymore on my jokes. I do wonder what that "something wrong" with him was. The glazed over looks he kept having? Probably. I might learn in time.
"So, may I ask what those tattoos you have mean?" Michael asked out of nowhere, the question kind of catching me off guard. I had tattoos on both of my arms. The one on my left arm connected to the one on my hand and middle finger. They were all dots, that came together to form a diamond. Above the diamond, were three smaller ones, then the smaller diamond directly below my middle finger, dotted up into my middle finger, until just above the knuckle, which had a heart on it.
"That one is just one that I got that I thought looked cool. Most of them are. To be honest, I really only have one with a deep meaning. It has a small iris flower with the words, vivid violet, above it. A friend of mine has a matching one in the same spot on his arm. A small blue bonnet flower, with the words, my blue, above it. Blue is my favorite color. Purple was his." I explain to him, he seems to be listening very intently. "Do you have any?"
He keeps aimlessly flipping through the records in front of him. He must be determined to find that vinyl, but I don't like being ignored. Suddenly he blinks a few times, and looks back up at me.
"Sorry, what was that? I thought I'd found what I was looking for." He scratches the back of his neck.
"I was just curious if you had any is all?" I smiled. I didn't want him to think I was upset or anything. He clearly had enough going on as it was.
"Oh, yeah I do! I only have two. One I got drunk, and the other with not nearly as interesting of a meaning as yours."
"That has to make for a great story to tell. What is it, you have to tell me!!" I squeal.
"It's a stupid cartoon character. My friends dared me while I was drunk, and being the dumbass I am I got it. It's a fox."
I started laughing obnoxiously, just to tease him a bit. "That's gotta leave a mark."
"Wow, that was an amazing joke Y/N." He said with no emotion behind it. Damn, we really did have the same humor.
"Not as amazing as your tattoo!"
"Fuck you."
We erupted into laughter again. I could feel a pair of eyes burning into the back of my head. Shit, Jeremy. I completely forgot I was at work.
Just in time, I found the album Michael had been looking for.
"Ta-da! Here you go! I giggled out. "I have a strong feeling this one was the last one left, so consider yourself lucky, Mr.Mikey!" I didn't mean to say that part, too much Y/N, fuck. Oh well, he wouldn't know. He'd just think I was teasing.
"Thanks a lot Y/N. I really do appreciate your help."
"Follow me and I'll ring you up behind the counter."
I heard Michael chuckle out, "Mr.Mikey" under his breath. Did I accidentally fluster him? Oopsie!
"That'll be $35.83!" He hands me a two 20 dollar bills. "Keep the change." He smiles, before turning to leave. "I'll see you later!" He exclaims while waving goodbye. "See ya'!" I wave back before the glass door closes behind him, with his somber looking going with him. I really should check on him later.
"Mr.Mikey huh? How adorable!!" Masaki runs up to me cooing again. I really can't catch a break, can I?
A few hours pass, and it's time for me to go on break. Fucking finally, my feet were killing me. I was wearing brand new converse high-tops that I had just gotten a few days ago, but never had worn yet. I forgot I had bought them until I nearly tripped over them this morning.
I had walked to the back with Jennie, getting ready to enjoy some Subway. Our favorite!! Yet again, the morning had been shitty, but the rest of the day had been going nicely so far. I was relieved really. That interaction with Michael this morning really lifted my mood.
As I was eating, I received a text message from a number I didn't recognize. They had sent me a video. Curious, I decided to watch it. Wondering what awaited me in this video. I heard Hungry Like the Wolf by Duran Duran playing, and then the video cut to Michael giving a peace sign.
"Thanks again for the cool vinyl!!" His message wrote.
His hair was messy, and his smile was contagious as fuck. I hadn't seen him without his hat on, and I didn't really think his hair could get any better, but it did. I couldn't help but smile, and feel myself start to blush a little at the gratitude he had shown. I'm glad he was enjoying it.
"What's got you so happy?" Jennie chuckled.
"Michael. He's enjoying his new record is all."
"You have his number? When did you get it?"
"Yesterday. I had a bit of an...episode on my way home and luckily for me, Michael was there to help. He talked to me for a bit and to help ameliorate the situation, and we ended up exchanging numbers."
"Awww, that was sweet of him!" Jennie gushed. "Seriously though. Mr.Mikey? Y/N you-"
I cut her off. "I know what you're about to say, and I don't need to hear it. Please."
"Y/N, it's concerning. I love you but come on. You can't see the problem with that?"
"I know the problem with it Jennie. I didn't mean to say it, it just...slipped is all." I let out a heavy sigh. I really did fuck up this time, huh?
"I had a feeling that wasn't intentional, which is why I didn't come and make fun of you for it. I need you to stop and address yourself though. Is there any reason why that would slip out? Of all things, that?"
"Well, we were talking about my tattoos, and I talked to him about my violet tattoo and what it meant. My mind was probably just, in that realm of thinking and it slipped right after."
"That's understandable I guess, but why? Does he-" I cut her off again.
"Yes, he does."
"Doesn't that bother you?"
"I don't know."
"Is that because you want to think, maybe, things will be different this time?"
"I don't know."
"Why?"
"I don't know Jennie. There's a lot of fucking things I wish I knew the answer to."
"I don't exactly understand how you're feeling right now, but I want you to know I'm here for you like I always have been. I'm here to listen to you, and help you figure this out. I want you to find the answer to this. I think it'll help you break out of the state of mind you've encased your mind in, and be back to somewhat your old self."
"I don't want to be back to my old self. I'll never be back to my old self. Not without him."
"You need to."
"No I don't. You're not me, you really don't understand. You don't understand the shit I've had to go through Jennie-"
"So fucking what if I'm not you? So fucking what if I don't fully understand?" She was scolding me. She finally snapped on me. I never expected this.
"That doesn't mean it's ok to try and make him someone he isn't for your own healing. If you do that, I don't think I'll ever forgive you until the day I die. I know I'm not miss perfect by any means. I've made so many foolish mistakes, so many things in my life I regret. Every single time though, I've learned something about myself. Something that teaches me a life lesson."
"I don't-" I feel tears forming in my eyes. "Jennie I don't- I can't- I don't think I can ever move on without knowing where he is. Even if he's dead, I can't bring myself to move on until I get closure, and that's something I don't think I'll ever get." I started to cry. Jennie moved her chair next to me, patting my back.
"You have to try and find that closure for yourself then. I know you've said you've tried, but why don't you try another way? I love you and I want you to break this vicious cycle you put yourself through. Please, try to take better care of yourself Y/N. I want to see you actually happy again. Not just for those small moments, but a consistent happiness."
"I love you too, Jennie. I can't think of anyone else that has stuck by my side the way you have." I cried into her shoulder. I don't have anyone else in my life like her. I was grateful for her every single day. Every single second. She was my best friend, and I knew nothing would change that. Even if it hurt to be scolded she was right. I don't want to do this to Michael. He clearly already cared about me, and I'd be damned to ruin that. I don't think I'd ever forgive myself either if that happened.
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A/N ~ I hope you're all getting more emotional :) This is just the beginning of what's to come. I hope you're all enjoying!! Love you all!