Chapter Forty-One
Isolation
"I could never hate you"
"Mickey, look at me."
Lottie had had enough. She couldn't take it anymore. She was at her limit, she did not survive hell to make it to purgatory rather than heaven which she thought she had been promised. She lived for her children but they were away until she was better and she lived for Michael but he couldn't look at her. Why couldn't he even meet her eye? She wanted nothing more, desperation and hurt and fear and guilt overwhelmed her. She couldn't sleep, she couldn't eat, she couldn't do anything but tremble. This is not what she fought for. This was not what she had been wishing and dreaming about.
She'd been living with Michael for a while now but nothing had changed from day one. She had been sent to the bedroom while he stayed on the sofa. Every time she would walk into a room, he would find an excuse to leave, his most convenient was work and Lottie couldn't stand it anymore.
Michael stood in the doorway of their apartment, his back to her, but his head turned to the side at her voice. Lottie stared at him, her heart heavy and tired. Her battered body healed but not the same. Nothing would be the same. "Please." God, she hated that word.
He froze where he stood, his coat slung over his arm and his suit perfect. He was perfect but he wouldn't look at her. That's all she wanted; to see those perfect grey eyes looking lovingly at her, all warm and comforting. But he wouldn't. They were cold and icy. Lottie stood next to the sofa, her body limp and tense all at the same time. Never before had she felt so desperate. She felt that if he walked out the door, she'd loose all her hope. "Michael," she whimpered.
He stared at the ground, she could see his jaw clenching and then unclenching, then clenching again. "I've got to go to work."
"Just look at me," she begged. "Please." She hated the word. She hated that word, but it was the only word that circled round her mind. "Talk to me, I just want to talk."
"Not now, Lottie," he said tightly. He couldn't speak, he couldn't face her. His heart hurt more than he could say. Hurt and anger had fuelled his decisions while Lottie had been taken, he regretted what he had done but that didn't stop him from continuing. He was a liar. Now all he felt was guilt and sadness, made worse by the sight of Lottie when she made it back. Every time he saw her, guilt made him want to run.
She walked over to him, close enough to touch. She didn't. She didn't feel like she could. "Talk to me. I need to know what you're thinking."
"I can't be what you need," Michael said quietly.
"What?" She murmured.
"I can't be what you need," he repeated. "Not yet. I need time."
Desperation imploded inside her and she clung onto his arm, forcing him to face her. "You can't forgive me," she whimpered, "what can I do? Tell me what to do to make up for it all?"
"There's nothing you can do," he said, avoiding her intense eyes. "I just can't."
Lottie grabbed his hand, "What do I have to do for you to forgive me?" She manically looked around before grabbing a letter knife from the table and pressing the point into her chest. "I'll cut out my beating heart and give it to you if that's what it takes."
Michael forced her gripping fingers off his hand. "I can't deal with it all. It's too much. Lottie, you have to understand that. It's too much."
"It's too much or I'm too much?"
Michael shook his head. "I have to go to work."
Lottie stood frozen even as the door shut behind him. She couldn't move, she couldn't think. The knife still pressed into her chest. "I'll do it," she whispered to herself, tears falling down her cheeks. Th knife pierced her skin but she kept pushing. "I can do it." She pushed the knife harder, the sharp pain causing her to gasp, a sob escaping her lips. Her knees gave way, her sobs becoming cries, becoming agonised screams, not from physical pain but her heart, her heart breaking into a million pieces.
She didn't know how long she remained a broken mess on the floor; she didn't hear the phone ring or the door knock. She didn't notice as Nic entered the house and found her on the floor. She didn't notice as he took the knife from her hand or when he lifted her into his arms. She didn't remember much as her body gave into exhaustion and she thankfully fell into a dreamless sleep.
***
"Lottie," said Nic softly.
Lottie forced her heavy eyes open and found herself in a bed that wasn't hers. Her eyes focused onto her friend. "Nic," she said, her voice raw.
He walked over slowly and sat at the end of the bed. "How are you feeling?"
She smiled meekly. "On top of the world."
He laughed, but not happily. His face softened but remained serious. "You're going to stay here for as long as you need."
"What about Michael?"
"Fuck Michael."
"That's the problem. He won't let me."
"Lottie," he said sternly. "I couldn't let you stay there. He was destroying you."
"I was already destroyed. There isn't much left of me."
Nic frowned and moved closer to her, resting his hands on her shoulders. "You're loved, Lottie, and I'll do everything I can to help you piece yourself back together."
A tear fell down her cheek. "I love you, Nic."
"I love you, too. Now, get some rest, I'll bring in some food in a minute."
Lottie nodded and lay back down onto the pillows as Nic left. He felt shaken, his heart had only just began to slow from the panic of finding her earlier. He made his way to the hallway and rung Maxim, careful not too be too loud.
"What!" Maxim snapped when Nic told him what had happened, what he had seen.
"She was a mess, Maxim, a complete mess," he explained. "I had to take her with me. She's with me and she'll stay with me as long as she wants. I can't leave her alone.Not the way she is. She had a knife to her chest, Maxim."
He could imagine Maxim shaking his head. "I can't believe Michael. He said he'd try."
"Maybe he is, but when he's working through his feelings and what he's done, he can't help her work through what she's been through."
Maxim scoffed. "He needs to get over it."
"Guilt is difficult to get over."
"So's abuse," snapped Maxim.
Nic brought in a tray of food and a pot of tea into the spare room he'd put Lottie in. As he entered, he stopped. Lottie was asleep. As silently as he could, he began to back out but a quiet voice met him. "Stay."
He turned back to her.
Her eyes were warily open, exhausted and aged. "Stay with me. Please."
Nic nodded. After placing the tray on the side he walked over to the bed and sat beside her. Instantly, she snuggled into his side. Nic wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pushed himself further down the bed so that he was lying down properly. "I'll stay as long as you need," he said softly.
"Stay forever."
***
Lottie sat on the armchair by the window, sipping on a cup of tea. She hadn't drunk any alcohol since arriving at Nic's. She suspected he'd hidden it but then she thought, that was her paranoid mind. Nic wouldn't do that, the reality probably was that he didn't have much at his home. He wasn't a big drinker, she knew that. That was why there was no alcohol here. She scolded herself for being paranoid of Nic. He trusted her and she needed some of that.
Her brow furrowed when she saw a car pull up outside the house. "Nic!" She called out. "Someone's here."
"Coming!" He shouted back from upstairs. She heard his thudding footsteps as he ran down the stairs.
Lottie stood as she saw who emerged. "It's Tommy."
"Why's Tommy here?" Nic murmured.
She shrugged.
Nic opened the door and she heard muffled voices before they emerged in the doorway. "Hello, Lottie," said Tommy.
"Hello, Tommy," she replied, cradling herself in her arms.
"Did you want to go for a walk?"
She looked to Nic who shrugged. "I need to go to the den to help John so you don't need to walk if you want some privacy."
She looked back at Tommy. "I think I could do with some fresh air anyway."
Nic nodded. Tommy held out his arm wordlessly and she took it. "See you later," she said to Nic.
Outside the air was thick, but Lottie gulped it down in deep breaths. She felt Tommy's analytical eyes on her as they walked, but she focused on anything else. She was becoming very good at avoiding thoughts and people. But Tommy would not let her get away with it for long as he took her arm and led her to a bench.
They said nothing for a while, but Tommy kept his hand resting on her arm as they kept silent. Despite not wanting to talk, Lottie felt emotions bubble within her, desperation, loneliness, and pure sadness. Lottie brought her knees up to her chest and hugged them close to herself, her eyes staring at a random patch of grass, trying to stop her eyes from watering. Tommy sat beside her. She could feel his bright blue eyes probing her as if the more he looked, the more likely her inner thoughts would be revealed to him. He pulled out a cigarette and offered another to her, lighting it as it hung from her lips. "I'm glad you're healing well," he said finally.
"Thanks," she murmurs, still not looking at him. She had reached the point where she had felt everything so much, so deeply, that she felt nothing at all. They sat in silent until she loosened a breath, guilt washing over her. "I'm sorry for not saying it before now, but I'm sorry about Grace."
Tommy bowed his head. "I should have tried harder to protect her," he said. "To protect you."
Lottie placed a hand on his, his hand warm compared to her cold one. "You can't protect everyone," she said softly. "We all knew what we were signing ourselves up for from the beginning. We all knew what might happen."
He sighed. "Doesn't mean I can't try."
"Tomorrow will be kinder." Lottie shook her head at her saying, the motto she'd lived her life by. "But when will tomorrow come? I've been waiting for bloody months."
That's when Tommy looked at her, their eyes meeting. They were sitting close together but they could have been oceans apart, alone on an empty field, and their eyes would still meet, still be just as intense. "Why do you still believe in that phrase?" He asked.
She shrugged. "It's the only thing that gives me hope and hope... it's a powerful thing. I have to believe that everything will be alright, although it's getting harder and harder." She sighed deeply. "I feel as if there's nothing left for me. Nothing at all. The amount of times I thought of stepping in front of a car or a train over the last months, but I didn't because I had hope. But now... I don't have anything."
"This is about Michael, isn't it?"
"He hates me." She abruptly brushed a treacherous tear away before it had the chance to fall. "He would sleep downstairs away from me, he would leave a room whenever I enter. He says it's so I can get rest to recover but it's bullshit. It's fucking bullshit. He won't touch me, he won't even look at me. He hates me."
Tommy turned towards her, a fierce look on his face. "He doesn't hate you, I know that. Have you talked at all?"
"I haven't had the chance. Maybe if I hold him at gunpoint, he won't run."
"You'll find a way," he said.
Lottie bowed her head. "How can anyone not hate me for everything I've done?" She mumbled sadly to herself.
"I don't hate you. I could never hate you."
Lottie looked up at him, her eyes wide and vulnerable. "Promise?"
"I promise." Tommy put his hand on her cheek and stroked it softly with his thumb. His love for her had developed. It was more than platonic. Stronger than he had ever believed. Only when risked with losing everything, including himself, did he realise what was important, who was important. And it was Lottie. He'd lost Grace and he'd lost Lottie once, this was something he could act on. He would love her and protect her for as long as he lived. He didn't think he'd ever stop loving Grace, but neither did he think he'd ever stop loving Lottie.
She smiled weakly at him, but shrugged, her chin quivering. "Maxim can't look at me without thinking of the secrets I kept from him. The lies." She sighed roughly, rubbing her hands over her face. "I should have listened to everyone when they told me not to get involved with Michael, to not pretend I was anything other than a broken mess." Lottie dropped her legs back down and stood, pacing a few steps away from where Tommy sat before turning to face him again. "I fought my way back home... for nothing. There's nothing left for me. I should have just stepped in front of the first train I saw and ended it all."
Tommy stood then. He didn't touch her, but he stood only a half step away, his icy eyes seeming to melt as she watched.
"I thought about it," she admitted, a tear falling. "I thought about doing it all the time, but I always thought there was something worth living for. I thought love was living for, but it turns out that there is none."
"You're not broken," said Tommy quietly. "You're not without love. It doesn't matter what secrets you keep, what you've done or whatever you will do in the future, nothing will change the way I look at you. No matter what anyone says, you are the angel of Birmingham."
Lottie shook her head, her eyes hard as she stared at him. "I killed him."
Tommy knew she had, but she had not admitted it to him, not in person.
"I killed James," she continued. "How do you kill a monster without becoming one yourself?"
"You could never be a monster, not to me."
Lottie looked she was about to break, to fall into a million pieces. Tommy wrapped his arms around her and didn't release her until she no longer felt like crying. She wasn't sure how long they had stayed outside, but when the sun was finally beginning to set and Lottie was beginning to feel guilty for monopolising Tommy's entire day. "You should go," said Lottie, as they made their way back to the house.
"I don't have to," he said.
She smiled at him, feeling warm in his presence. "It's alright, Tommy. As long as you don't hate me," she tried to joke.
"No, I don't hate you," he assured. "I could never hate you."
Lottie wrapped her arms around him to say goodbye, his comfort, his body, she could perhaps imagine herself piecing back together, slowly, but it was happening, she was sure. She leaned back, tilting her head and she realised how close their faces were. She could feel the turbulent emotions running through her, she was sure the same emotions were whirling within him. She was sad, lonely, and scared of losing everything that ever mattered to her. But out of all of it, she knew she would never lose Tommy. And he was staring at her, her eyes, her lips. He had missed her more than he could say, more than he realised. He missed Grace, he missed having someone to love. And he didn't want to lose Lottie as he had lost his wife.
At the same time, they leant towards each other, their lips meeting frantically, soft and hot and cold and too many things all at once. It was as if all of Lottie's pent up emotions were being unleashed.
A/n:
Trouble in paradise... Will Lottie and Michael figure themselves out? Should they? After all they've done, all the secrets and lies between them?
And was this moment with Tommy purely cathartic or was it something more?
I'd also like to know your opinions about the Tommy-Lottie interaction at the end of the chapter - they haven't had many scenes together lately and I'd love to hear your thoughts :))))
Please vote, comment and follow!
published:: 12/10/2023