I followed Thorin, Bilbo close on my heels, until we reached the front gate. The sun had almost set and, looking out, I noticed the city of Dale was lit with fires. What Dwalin had said was true, the people of Laketown had made it to Dale. I had hoped Bard and his family were safely among them. Whether Thorin would admit it or not, Bard put his family and his name in danger to ensure we got into the two safely.
"It's true," Bilbo said quietly from beside me.
I suppressed a smile, noticing the look of anger in Thorin's eyes.
"We need to build a wall," He told the group.
He grabbed a large stone, one that had been broken from the original wall after Smaug had flown through it. He placed it down and turned towards the rest of the company.
"I want this fortress made safe by sunup," He eyed the group, "The mountain was hard won, I will not see it taken again."
"The people of Laketown have nothing. They came to us in need, they have lost everything," Kili told his uncle, his voice shaking at the memory of the dragon.
"Do not tell me what they have lost. I know well enough their hardship."
"Thorin, come on," I pleaded, "You we're doing so well. You need to remember."
"Stop y/n," He said, pulling himself off of me, "Those who have lived through dragon fire should rejoice. They have much to be grateful for."
The dwarves didn't continue pushing and instead grabbed what they could carry and began to build the wall. Thorin stood back, taking a spot beside me. He had a smirk on his face as he looked down to me.
"You look displeased," He said to me.
"I am Thorin."
"And why my sweet, you have everything you could desire. A safe place to sleep, me, and all the gold you could dream of."
"You are forgetting yourself again and it's becoming harder and harder to make you remember."
"I haven't forget you."
"But you have."
"How so? I know you. Your name is y/n Baggins. You like when I play the lute and you like the smell of rain. Your favourite colour is yellow and you like to watch the sun set."
"You don't remember who you are and without you, I don't know who I am. Without you, I don't exist."
"You are being emotional. I know who I am, I know who you are. I forget nothing."
"Thorin-"
He rolled his eyes at me and walked back towards the company. The wall was about one quarter of the way built now. He grabbed a large chunk of stone and threw it onto the wall.
"More stone. Bring more stone to the gate!" He shouted at them.
He made eye contact with me once more before resuming. I turned around, locking eyes with Bilbo before walking away from the group. If Thorin wanted to be an ass under the influence of dragon sickness, I'd treat him like an ass. I stomped down the hall towards his room. I would have slept elsewhere but I knew too little about the mountain and his room is where I stashed all of my stuff. The mountain was quiet and as a neared the hallway where the treasure lay, I changed my course. I headed towards the gold, unsure of what my plans were. I think ultimately I wanted to see how he would react to me going through his stash of gold.
"You know you shouldn't be here," Bilbo said from behind me.
I hadn't realized he was following me and part of me felt annoyed. I loved him but it was like I couldn't have one minute to myself.
"Neither should you," I told him, turning around to look at him.
"I was following you."
"I can see that."
I turned around and walked further into the treasure room. The gold clicked beneath my feet and, for just a moment, I could see how some would find this beautiful. It truly was a sight to behold. Something made a unique crunching sound under my feet and I looked down. I lifted my foot and noticed a golden necklace. I reached down and picked it up, admiring it. It was a small gold chain with what looked like an opal sphere pendant. It was beautiful and I couldn't help but pocket it. I turned back towards Bilbo who had stayed watching me.
"I'm going to Thorin's room," I sighed, stopping just before passing Bilbo, "I just need a break. He was doing so well and, I know I shouldn't be mad but, every time I need him, that's when I start to lose him."
Bilbo put a hand on my shoulder and gave me an understanding smile. I walked past him and towards Thorin's room. The mountain felt cold this evening and I wrapped my arms around myself, hoping to feel some warmth in my body. The walk to the room was long. The mountain felt larger as I walked the hallways alone. I didn't dare go back to the gate. I knew Thorin was expecting me but I couldn't bare to watch his demeanour constantly change. I needed a break from everyone. I needed a chance to just be with myself for a moment. I opened what seemed like the 100th door in the mountain, hoping it was Thorin's. Thankfully it was and I stepped inside, closing the door behind me. I leaned against it and slid down into a sitting position, resting my hands in my head. My brain seemed to be going a mile a minute and everything spun. I let myself sit for a few minutes before standing up and walking towards the bed. It was a stereotypical room with a bed-side table on either side of the bed. I walked over to the side Thorin had claimed and opened the table drawer. Inside was the map, key, and a small pouch. I reached for it, wondering if it was something I could use to bring him back from the dragon sickness. Before I could do anything, I heard footsteps by the door. I quickly shut the drawer and moved over to my side of the bed. Thorin walked into the room and placed his hand on his forehead, closing the door and sliding down it in the same way I had done earlier. I knew I was just frustrated but soft/emotional Thorin always got the better of me.
"What's wrong?" I asked, sitting in front of him.
He didn't respond and kept his hands over his face. I gently placed mine over top, ignoring his flinch of surprise, and pulled his hands away.
"Hey, talk to me," I whispered, holding his hands.
He looked in my eyes, not saying anything before he pulled me towards him, burying his face in my neck.
"Thorin? Please tell me what's going on," I pleaded, rubbing my hands through his hair.
When he didn't answer for the third time I pulled away, standing up and offering him my hands.
"Well, if you don't want to talk then at least let me help you get ready to sleep. You look absolutely exhausted my love," I told him.
He grabbed my hands and let me pull him up. I guided him over to the bed and he sat down. I pulled his shirt off, trying hard not to stare, and handed him a cotton sleep shirt. He placed it over his head while I left again to grab a brush. I walked over to my side of the bed, getting on so I was kneeling behind him. I was towering about a foot over him in my kneeling position and I ran my fingers through his hair. I got out as many small knots as possible before running the brush carefully through the bottom of his hair. He seemed to enjoy this and hummed in content as I finished working through all the knots. I was able to brush his hair with ease now. His hair was soft, despite having not washed it for probably months. I reached across him and placed the brush on the table before putting my hands back on his shoulders. He still hadn't said a word to me and I knew if I didn't say anything, we'd go to sleep with no words spoken. I kissed the top of his head before moving around so I was straddling him on his lap.
"You don't need to tell me what's going on. I know how frustrating this situation is for you," I told him, tucking hair behind his ears.
It didn't do much, his hair was very thick and kept falling in front of his face. He gave me a smile and placed his hands on my hips.
"I appreciate your understanding. I try not to take the anger out on you but sometimes I feel out of control. Like I'm watching myself from a third person's perspective. It's not me doing and saying all of that and when the sickness gives me a break, and the memories return, the anger doesn't leave. I start feeling angry at myself. It's pathetic that I can't do better. Elrond was right, I am turning into my grandfather."
"That's not true."
"But it is. This is what happened to him. I remember the nights he would yell and swear and my father and I and I never understood how he could be so cruel. But now I do and the worst part is, I'm being just as cruel, if not more so."
"You are a better man than he was."
"How so?"
"You are trying so hard to fight it. I see it in your eyes."
"I don't deserve you."
"Don't say that. Of course you do. I love you Thorin."
"You should leave here."
I stopped playing with his hair and felt my hands drop to my sides.
"What?"
"You should leave Erebor. You should leave me. You should get out of here while you still have the chance."
"I will not leave you Thorin. I will never leave you. You can push me away but as long as you have these moments I will never leave. Not while I know there's a chance you will come back."
"But what if I can't."
"Then we will figure it out if that time comes."
He looked down, avoiding eye contact with me. I placed my hands on his cheeks, forcing him to look at me.
"We'll figure it out. Let's just enjoy you being here while you're here. Ok?" I told him with a smile.
He moved his hands from my waist so they were wrapped around my frame.
"I adore you," He whispered, pulling me close to him and resting his head on my chest.
I wrapped my arms around him, keeping him close to me. We stayed like that for what must have been hours. I had dozed off and when I awoke, I was tucked neatly into the bed. My shoes were off and the blankets were pulled up to my chin. I was facing Thorin's side of the bed but, upon closer inspection, he was not in it. I was about to call out for him when I heard his voice at the end of the bed.
"It's all wrong," He was whispering to himself.
He must have been sitting on the end of the bed; however, I shut my eyes before he could notice I was awake. It felt wrong to be listening to him while he thought I was asleep but I couldn't help myself.
"All of it," He continued, "The dragon was supposed to be dead, we weren't supposed to be captured by elves in the woods, Azog was supposed to be dead, those stupid lake-men were not supposed to be a part of this journey."
He stood up and began pacing.
"We were supposed to get in, find the Arkenstone and everything would fall into place. That's what Gandalf said, that is what I was promised. The old wizard abandoned us and left us to face this quest alone. Everyone hates me but I cant control it, I cant control-" He sat down on the bed, "I can't fucking control it."
I could feel his eyes on me and the urge to open my own was tempting. It took all my willpower to keep them closed. I felt his hand on my cheek.
"And you. You absolute angel. You were never supposed to be here either. I told Gandalf not to let you come. I knew I wouldn't be able to resist you, but he insisted. He said you were too important to leave behind. And he was right, goodness y/n, he was so right. You remind me of home, you are my safety net, I have never felt more secure than I do when I'm holding you. But sometimes I wonder if it would have been better for you to have stayed behind. You don't need all of this, you don't deserve this. You don't deserve to be worried about me all the time. It's not healthy. You should be going to the market with your brother, tending to your garden, going to potlucks. You don't need this life. There are no gardens here, no potlucks. You might find a market or two but all they will sell is precious metals. Maybe we should just leave now. I should wake you and we should go back to the Shire. I'd be happy there. I'd be happy anywhere as long as I knew I could live out the rest of my days being loved by you. How lucky am I to have someone like you love me. But you shouldn't be here. I want to send you home but my greed keeps you here."
I could hear him stifle a sob.
"I keep hurting you. Even now, I can feel myself start to forgot. I don't know how to-"
He paused. He had run his hand down my side and it rested on my pants pocket. Shit. I had forgotten about the necklace I had taken from the treasure room. He reached into the pocket and pulled it out. I had to keep reminding myself to breath like a normal person. As far as he knew, I was fast asleep. However, he wasn't angry. Instead he let out an amused huff and I could hear the metal between his fingers.
"I remember my mother had a necklace just like this one," He whispered, placing it back into my pocket, "You cant hear me but I'm so scared. I love you more than any emotion but when you wake up tomorrow, I don't think I'll remember what I'm feeling so I'll tell you now. You helped me discover pieces of myself I didn't know existed. You make me want to be better and you are the reason I will continue to try and fight this. I love you my beautiful princess and, only since you can't hear me, if I didn't fear of forgetting, I'd court and marry you right now. I'm in love with every piece of you. Good night."
With that he placed a light kiss on my lips. I allowed myself to smile, hoping he would assume I was still dreaming. The bed shifted and I felt his weight beside me. I cuddled into his side, hoping he wouldn't think I was awake. To my luck he did not and instead pulled me towards him. He let out a deep breath and I waiting for him to fall asleep before opening my eyes and looking towards him.
"If you asked me to marry you Thorin, I'd say yes."