"Thorin!" I called. For a guy with short legs, he sure moved pretty fast, "Thorin!"
He finally stopped and turned around to look at me.
"I know what you want from me," He said, appearing as though he was holding back from yelling at me.
"Tell me."
"You want me to be better. To do better, well I can't. I'm doing my best and if that's not good enough for you then I don't know what to tell you."
"I never said it wasn't good enough but you're hurting people Thorin. I know you're sick but doesn't that bother you?"
"I don't feel anything anymore," He hissed, moving to stand in front of me, "Do you have any idea what that's like?"
"No I don't but-"
"Exactly. You have no idea what it's like to know you're supposed to be feeling something but you just can't. I don't feel happy, I don't feel sad. The only emotion I feel when I'm not feeling anything is anger."
"Why can't you just tell me that then! Or tell anybody?"
"Because no one will understand!"
"They can sympathize Thorin! Everyone understands you are dealing with stuff but so are they. They just got their home back, some of them are seeing their home for the first time. It is completely unfair for you to act like you are the only one suffering."
"I am their King-"
"Then start fucking acting like it."
"How dare you."
"No! No Thorin. I'm the only one willing to stand up to you so I need to speak on behalf of everyone else. Look in a goddamn mirror and figure out who you are because without them, you wouldn't have gotten this far. It's time to start showing them some gratitude and some respect."
He put his fingers on the bridge of his nose and touched my locket, "Why can't you understand, I'm doing my best."
"I love you Thorin," I told him, placing my hand over the one touching the necklace, "But as King, you need to do more than your best."
He didn't respond to me and just gave a deep sigh.
"I'm going to find Bilbo."
I left without another word. Thorin didn't try to stop me and, while a part of me hoped he would, it didn't come as a surprise. I walked back towards the throne where Bilbo and the others were still waiting.
"Hey!" Balin said as I approached, "What happened?"
"The sickness took over," I said, walking past him.
"Wa-wait!" He called after me, running to keep up.
I stopped at the entrance to the throne room, Balin hot on my tail.
"I know you all expect me to be able to diffuse every situation, Balin. But I cant. There is only so much I can do and if he isn't willing to listen to me then."
"We don't expect you to always be able to diffuse it dear," Balin said, placing a hand on my shoulder, "We just can see how much he loves you."
"He's sure great a showing it."
"Look las, I've known Thorin for decades. I knew him when he was just a wee lad and I've watched him question decisions, doubt himself, doubt others, I've watched him spend two months deciding what colour beads to put in his hair."
"Balin, what does this have to do with me? What does this have to do with anything?"
"Y/n. I've never seen Thorin so sure about anything like he is about his feelings for you. I truly believe you can help him. I don't want to put that pressure on you but, you can take him from 100% to 60% which is more than any of us can do."
I looked at the ground, feeling guilty again for ditching him.
"How am I supposed to take care of myself when I'm constantly worried about how he is hurting everyone?"
"I don't know las. No one expects you to take care of him."
"Who are you kidding Balin, everyone expects that of me. If not me, then who?"
"Then he will have to do it on his own."
"I love him too much to let that happen."
"I know you do, but you need to make sure you don't lose yourself trying to save someone who doesn't want to be saved."
He sighed before giving me a smile and walking away. I balled my hands into fists, letting out a loud sigh and marching back towards where I had left Thorin. He wasn't where I had left him so I decided to continue down the only path he could have gone. The path stopped in front of a single door and I wondered what the purpose was. I knocked softly. There was no response so I opened the door and looked inside.
"Thorin?" I called out.
"Yeah," He responded quietly from the only chair in the room.
I stepped inside and walked over to him. He had taken off the royal garb and his crown, leaving him in a light blouse-like shirt and his cotton pants. I placed my hands on his shoulders and moved the hair away from his neck, smiling softly when I noticed the chain of my locket. I placed my chin on his left shoulder and wrapped my arms around him. He took a deep breath and still didn't look at me.
"I think we should talk about something while you're," I paused, lowering my voice, "here."
He nodded and patted his lap. I walked around and sat on his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck and looking at him. My head was a bit higher than his in the position we sat and I had to stop the butterflies in my stomach as he looked up at me.
"I want to talk about what I need to do for me as things change," I told him, running my hands through his hair.
He nodded, keeping eye contact with me. His hands where around my waist but he reached one hand up to move the hair from my face.
"I'm not getting better," He told me softly, smiling to try and make me feel better.
"You might," I whimpered, trying to hold back tears.
"I'm not right now 'ibinê."
"I know I have to plan but-"
"But you have hope. Of course, you do my sunshine but, if I am not getting better then we need to think ahead, right?"
I nodded.
"I'm scared I'm going to lose you," I whispered.
"You might for a little bit but, I promise that as long as you keep pushing me, I'm going to keep finding my way back to you."
I let out a sob and buried my head in his neck. He softly petted my hair and I heard a few sniffles of his own mixed in with mine.
"Hey," He said, breaking the silence, "Look at me."
I did as he asked, looking deep into his blue eyes. Everything about him pulled me in and before I could stop myself I pushed my lips onto his. His grip on my waist tightened and I shifted my body so I was straddling him. I tangled my hands in his hair, hoping to never let go. Unfortunately for me, my lungs needed air and I had to pull away from. His breathing was heavy and his cheeks were flushed. I caught my breath and went to lean back in before he placed a finger on my lips, stopping me.
"I love you, and I love this. But I want this when I know I won't forget it," He told me, gesturing between us.
I knew what he meant. If anything happened and we woke up the next morning and I was the only one to remember or harbour any remaining feelings, it would only end in my own heartbreak.
"I want you Thorin," I told him, appreciating his concern but willing to overlook it.
"Do you not think I want you too? I want this and all of you."
"Then what?"
"I don't want to forget you. Any of you."
I looked down shyly and knew I couldn't keep pushing.
"You are more important to me than anyone or anything my beautiful dove," He caressed my cheek, "I may not always remember that, but I hope you can."
I nodded and hugged him tightly. He hugged me back, rubbing my back. After a few seconds he went to pull away which only caused my grip to tighten.
"Not yet," I whispered, "I want to hold you for as long as you remember."
He responded immediately, matching my grip. We had our heads buried in each others shoulders, each of us too afraid of what would happen if we let go. After what felt like days—but was probably only 10 minutes—we both decided we needed to go back to the group. As much as I wanted to keep healthy Thorin to myself, I knew how important it was for the others to see him like this.
"Hold my hand ok? And don't let go. As long as you're holding me, I can remember," He told me, lacing his fingers with mine.
I nodded and we walked out of the room and back towards the throne. He cringed as we approached it and avoided eye contact with it. I gave his hand a small squeeze and he returned it with his own, letting me know he was grateful for my being there. We took our time walking back to the others. Thorin wanted to check the treasure hoard but I told him they were probably waiting in a kitchen. The truth was, I had no idea where the group was but if I could keep Thorin away from the treasure I would. We walked quietly; however I wouldn't lie and say I didn't try and sneak glances at the dwarf. For the first time in a while, it didn't look like he was having an internal struggle with himself. He was just being Thorin.
"I see you staring," He said with a smirk.
"I'm admiring," I told him, "There's a difference."
"Just admit it, you were staring!" He leaned down and hushed his voice to a whisper, "Don't worry, I don't mind."
I rolled my eyes and shoved him a little. He left out a heartfelt laugh and I felt my heart flutter. It had been so long since I felt this way about him.
"There you are!" Bilbo called, running up to me, "You need to stop running off. I keep losing you."
"That might be my fault," Thorin interjected, giving an apologetic smile.
"Yes, well," Bilbo said, not interested in starting a conversation.
"Come on you too," I interrupted, "I'm sure we could all use some food."
"Nori found some potatoes that he said still looked good," Bilbo told us and we followed him towards a kitchen.
Thorin's hand remained in my own until we reached the kitchen. Balin and Dwalin walked over to us and Thorin gave me a small nod that told me it was ok for me to leave. I did so, after a few seconds of protesting, walking towards Kili and Fili. Kili stood with his arms crossed, staring at his uncle with disappointment.
"Whats going on over here?" I asked the brothers, standing beside Fili.
"I wish we had a plan. We got the mountain and now what?" Kili asked, not looking for a real answer.
"Now we have to be patient. He can get past this Kili. Your uncle is strong, he just needs our support," I told him with a smile.
He nodded but turned away, leaving Fili and I alone.
"When we were young, Thorin was Kili's biggest inspiration. He used to beg Thorin to tell us about his adventures and he would stay up way past our bed time to listen to Thorin's stories. The kid was obsessed with him," Fili told me with a soft smile, remembering his youth.
"This must be hard for him."
"Well it's hard for us all, but between me and him it's hitting him the hardest."
"What does he need?"
"Time, his uncle, one night where he isn't worried about anyone but himself."
"Yeah we could all go for that right about now."
We booth stood in silence. I kept my eye on Thorin, ensuring he stayed as him as possible. I caught Bilbo's eye and he gave me a small head nod. I nodded in response before turning back to Fili.
"I'm going to go to my brother. I-I'm sorry and I wish I could do more," I told him.
He nodded and smiled but didn't respond. I walked towards Bilbo who was, conveniently standing beside Thorin. My boyfriend smiled at me as I walked over to where him, Balin, Dwalin, and Bilbo were standing.
"Hey you!" Thorin said with a big smile.
It felt weird to see him unburdened by the sickness. It seemed the further away we were from the gold, the better he was.
"Hey baby, I'm just going to steal Bilbo away," I told him, letting him give me a little side hug.
"Cant you stay for a bit longer?"
"I'll be right back Thorin, I promise."
He nodded and pulled me towards him, planting a kiss on my forehead and hugging me tightly. I pulled away after a few seconds, still feeling awkward about the Public Display of Affection. I smiled at him and grabbed Bilbo's hand, pulling him away from the group and out the door.
"What's going on?" Bilbo asked me as we walked further.
"Oh nothing. I just wanted some time with you while I knew Thorin was doing alright."
Bilbo have a small sigh and looked towards the ground. Something seemed to be bugging him.
"What's wrong?" I wondered, pulling him to sit down on a bench.
"Something happened with Smaug that I haven't told anyone."
"What do you mean?"
"I found it," He told me, his voice barely above a whisper.
"Fount it?"
"The Arkenstone."
"You found it? When? Where?"
"In the treasure hoard, shortly after you left. I picked it up before I ran to leave. And then everyone got so wrapped up in killing the dragon and I saw how the gold was affecting Thorin and so I held onto it."
I starred at him in shock. On one hand I understood why he kept it. That stone was the only thing stopping him from giving into the sickness. On the other, I knew how important that stone was to him.
"Y/n? Please say something," Bilbo begged, carefully watching for my reaction.
"Can I see it?" I whispered.
Bilbo nodded and looked around, ensuring no one else was around to see. He reached into his jacket pocket, pulling out an over shaped jewel. It was white like Balin said it would be but it had purple-ish veins and appeared to glow. It was beautiful and it was clear why it was labeled the kings jewel. I nodded a few times before guiding Bilbo's hand back towards his jacket.
"Keep it hidden. It will be better if he doesn't know you have it," I said.
Bilbo nodded, closing the button on his inner pocket. He reached into his side pocket, pulling something out. His hand was still closed when Thorin's voice echoed off the walls.
"What is that?" His voice boomed, footsteps growing louder as he walked towards us.
He seemed angry; however, it didn't appear to be dragon sickness-like anger. Bilbo put his hand back towards his pocket, obviously frightened by Thorin's sudden appearance.
"In your hand?" Thorin said louder, looking towards Bilbo's closed palm.
I stood up, placing my hand on his arm. That seemed to release some of the tension.
"It's nothing," Bilbo stuttered, looking between me and Thorin.
"Thorin's honestly it's not-"
"Show me," Thorin said, cutting me off.
"It," Bilbo opened his hand, presenting an acorn to the two of us.
I gave him a smile, of course he would keep an acorn in his pocket.
"I picked it up in Beorn's garden," He explained, smiling at the memory.
I leaned my head against Thorin's arm as he spoke, "You've carried it all this way."
"I'm going to plant it in my garden, in Bag End."
"That's a poor price to take back to the Shire."
"One day it will grow. And every time I look at it, I'll remember —remember everything that happened, the good, the bad. And how lucky I am that I made it home."
The two looked at each other fondly and I could feel my heart doing flips in it's socket. The two people I cared for most in the world were getting along perfectly.
"Thorin, I," Bilbo started.
"Thorin, survivors, from Laketown. They're streaming into dale, there's hundreds of them," Dwalin said, his voice sounding both stern and fearful.
I looked up at Thorin who had dropped the hand that rested on my waist. His eyes began searching and he lost the happy spark on his face.
"Call everyone to the gate," He mumbled.
Dwalin nodded and took off and Thorin began to follow him.
"Thorin, let's just talk about this," I grabbed his arm trying to slow his walking pace down.
He shook me off, "To the gate, now!"
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translation: my gem