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There were good days and there were bad days.
It was different for me though. I had either bad days or worst days. It was the latter one today. I started my day with visiting the trainee manager. He was in a meeting when I arrived, and I sat in the reception room to wait for the man. Then I heard something. A conversation, which turned my life upside down.
"We've to choose only one of these girls. Fei or Hyun Jae." I looked around and there was no receptionist at the moment. The door was a bit ajar and I listened to the conversation.
"The girls will be 23-24 by the time of debute. We can risk one, but not both of them. Age matters when we're launching a girls group." The manager was saying.
"You might choose one right now then. We can let the other one go during this month evaluation." It was a lady's voice. She must be one of the higher ups. "Which one of the girls you want to be a rookie?"
"Li Fei Hong," the manager announced. "She's something else. Plus point, she's Chinese. We can have a strong fan base for the group in another country then. A strong one."
"Hyun Jae is a decent one too. Why not her?" Another man voice out.
"If Fei wasn't in the scene, I would have gone for Hyun Jae in a blink of an eye. She's a strong contender, but not upto Fei." The manager sighed. "It's about the option. And if I've to choose, I'll let Hyun Jae go."
I stood up and turned to leave the reception area, but got collided with someone. I looked up, and my heart sank. It was Junmyeon. He held my elbows to get me back my balance and then dragged me out of the room. He avoided my eyes and ran a hand through his hair. I felt his commotion. I was feeling the same.
Since we met, I and Hyun Jae always thought of debuting together. Never in my dreams, I had thought of ruining her dream for her. I couldn't do it. She was the one of the few who liked me. I wouldn't loose her to this petty competition. I refused to let it happen.
"Hyun Jae will understand," Junmyeon said. I stared at him. He was trying hard to be rational here, I could tell. "You're a good trainee, it's alright. Don't feel bad-"
"Do you mean it?" I asked.
He nodded. "I mean it. Hyun Jae is my friend and I met her first, but if it came down to you and her... you're better Fei." His eyes held honesty, but also trouble. We both won't admit it, but we had gotten close over the past year because of Hyun Jae and our constant meetings. He cared about me as much as I cared about him.
"Junmyeon." I looked at him and he met my gaze. "I won't debut. If it means loosing her, I won't. Also, I've other situations too." My family problems. "Even if it hadn't come down to this, I would have dropped out either way."
"No." He looked around and then at me. "If you dropped out because of this, I'll tell Hyun Jae. You both are friends. She'll feel bad if you sabotage yourself, Fei. I won't let you-"
"Do you not want her to debute?" I glared at him. I wanted to let out my anger about the situation, but seeing his face didn't do it. He was so upset at the moment. I related to him. The realisation that Hyun jae might not debute because of me... I couldn't describe it... I felt like throwing myself from the top floor and not survive in the God's personal hell for me.
"I want it." Junmyeon groaned as he covered his face with his hands. "I want it more than anything else. I told her I believed in her, that she would debute. I personally evaluated her performance and gave her the confidence she needed."
"Then let me drop -"
"It would be unfair to you. You're my friend too." He looked so torn that I wanted to call Yixing to hug his group leader. "Fei, you deserve to debute too."
I was about to convince him some more when someone threw an arm around me and pulled me in a hug. "Good morning, best friend!" It was Hyun Jae. Seeing her smile made me want to cry.
She deserved to debute more than me. But, a selfish part of me still had a hope that my dad would let me follow my dreams, and I would be able to perform on stage with thousands of people in the audience. I didn't want to let go off the opportunity. I wanted to debute. I wanted to be selfish. But, what if my family didn't let me? Hyun Jae would be dropped off this month, and if I didn't debute too, then it meant she lost her opportunity because of me. Because I went on knowing the end results.
"Fei." Hyun Jae waved her hand in front of my face and I smiled. "What are you thinking?"
"Nothing. Let's go to practice." I looked at Junmyeon. "Yixing asked me to have a dinner together at Aroma. I and Hyun Jae skipped last time, but we'll be there tonight. See you."
"Bye leader-nim." Hyun Jae teased him. He smiled and waved at her, and nodded at me. I followed her to the practice room. She asked me why I took sick leave yesterday and I made an excuse of headache.
The truth was Yixing was free yesterday, for a few hours, and I wanted to spend time with him. We hardly met due to our different schedules in these past few weeks, but jokes on me, he fell asleep while I was cooking for him. He looked exhausted so I didn't disturb him. Instead, I fell asleep right beside him, his arms around my waist, and my head on his chest. We both slept for straight seven hours and then had dinner together, with him leaving afterwards because his manager called him. I hardly got to talk to him for five minutes.
It was worth it though. I had never slept such peacefully in my whole life. That said something.
"I'm so excited for this dinner. I've heard that the owner is a good cook. Baekhyun couldn't stop praising the food." Hyun Jae did some warm up stretches. "Shame, I couldn't join everyone last time."
"Never asked you to follow my ass, love." I rolled my eyes and she pouted.
"I had to. I saw you fighting with Yixing. I knew you were upset, that's why I excused myself." She turned to me. "Don't create a scene today. I want a peaceful dinner with everyone."
"Drama loves me. Can't help it." I shrugged. She grinned, and my heart melted. I wanted to protect her smile. We went to Aroma, and met Jongin by the back door. He hugged Hyun Jae and waved at him. "Hello dancing machine, Kai." I raised my brows.
Jongin pouted. "Noona. Don't make fun of me. It's embarrassing." He whined like a kid. He was a kid by the way. I pulled him towards the back door and entered the vip section. Yixing had specifically asked me to follow this way to go inside. It was a different corner from other entrance.
"Aren't there people around?" I asked and Jongin shook his head.
"Not many."
I entered the room and saw Junmyeon and Yixing sitting there with Kyungsoo. I had met the latter because he was a good vocalist. We trainees were asked once to check Kyungsoo out before he debuted as an inspiration. He looked down at me that day, which I came to know later on was a misunderstanding caused by his poor eyesight. I gave him a friendship band the next day though without knowing the fact.
At first, I thought we were alike, and we were in a sense of wanting to smack Chanyeol most of the times. That boy could not stop teasing Kyungsoo, or me with his grin whenever Yixing was around. We weren't close or anything, but thanks to Hyun Jae, everyone had a wrong impression of me and Yixing.
"Noona." Kyungsoo shifted to make a space for me. I was surprised Chanyeol wasn't with him this time.
"Where's your best friend? Thought you were attached by hip." I glanced at Yixing. He was giving our orders to a girl. I looked her up and down. She was pretty.
"Chanyeol wanted to go on a walk alone. You can imagine how suffocating it can get, he might have wanted some fresh air." Kyungsoo frowned. "I wanted to tag along, but he didn't let me."
"Are you sure he doesn't have a girlfriend? Maybe he went alone to meet her," I winked.
"No. No. No. He went to watch street performances."
"Still, you never know."
"If he had a girlfriend, he would have told me at least."
"Hey!" All three members present looked at him offended. Kyungsoo chuckled, and I shook my head, smiling. Idiots.
"I think if Chanyeol ever went for a girlfriend, she would be a singer. I don't know, he loves music." Junmyeon smiled. "Again, I can't really imagine him having a girlfriend though."
"Why? You don't have a girlfriend?" I asked. Hyun Jae sweetheart could be seen panicking in the corner, but I didn't give her a glance. Pay back time bitch. "Come on, tell us. What's your idol type."
"I'm not interested in relationships right now. Maybe someone my parents choose." Junmyeon replied and before I could ask him more questions, our orders arrived.
I could feel Yixing looking at me time to time, but I didn't return the stare. I didn't want anyone to know about our arrangement. It was bad enough that they thought we were romantically involved. I wasn't ashamed of it, the arrangement, I mean. I, wholeheartedly, supported casual relationships. The problem was that, I wanted more than that from Yixing. It was fucked up. I shouldn't.
"Ah, it reminded me that insider news, SM is gearing up for the new SM girls group." Jongin grinned. "I want to collaborate with you Fei noona when you debute."
"Jongin, I'm hurt!" Hyun Jae joked, slapping his arm.
"But, Fei noona bought me chicken!" He defended himself, and they started to bicker. Hyun Jae was teasing Jongin that it was a shame that his loyalty could be bought with a chicken.
I and Junmyeon exchanged a look. He turned away at once, looking down. I blinked. No. I won't lose these guys. I won't lose Hyun Jae's bright smile. I had to do something before this month's evaluation. If I delayed it, then they would let Hyun Jae go. No. No. I stood up and everyone looked up at me.
"I'm going to use rest room." I excused myself and went around the corridor. I stopped when saw a flower pot. It was a beautiful one. Heavy. I looked around and found no cameras. "For Hyun Jae. For the few people who mattered to me," I murmured and grabbed the pot from the decorative shelf.
It was heavy and I took my time to lift it over my chest and took a deep breath. My mind warned me of the consequences. Even if magically my dad allowed me, I won't be able to debute if I went through this. It would be over today. But again it had been over for me since the God gave me to the family I belonged to. I had no happiness in my life. I doubted I would have any, no matter what I did. It was okay. It was alright.
My fingers turned clamy as I closed my eyes and let the flower pot slip through my fingers. The loud voice of the crashing of pot filled the corridor. I gritted my teeth to stop the scream, but it was of no use. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I screamed my lungs out.
Footsteps approached me. "Noona!" Someone yelled and I stayed in the place. My feet totally damaged, bleeding from the impact. I held on until someone got closer and fell back, taking a support.
"Fei!" Yixing's voice boomed through the chaos and pain I felt. My whole body was numb. I could hear screams, voices, crying around me, but I felt peaceful all of a sudden and then before I knew it, my eyes were closing.
I fell unconscious then.