Sorry. Hindi ko na kasi alam ang gagawin ko kay Snow eh. Nakakabaliw.
Revenge #35: Christmas Eve
I don't know what to do.
Kanina ko pa niyuyogyog ang balikat niya pero walang nangyayari. I want to rush him to the hospital but I can't drive. The problem is, I can't fucking drive.
Plus, I can't think straight. My vision was blurred and I can't see whose number I'm dialling. Hindi ko na alam kung sino-sino na ang tinatawagan ko. All I know is no one's answering my call. Damn it. I don't know if everyone move out to Mars except from us.
Kulang na lang ay sabunutan ko ang sarili dahil sa frustration na nararanasan ko.
I was about to give up when I heard a knock. Nagmumula iyon sa bintanang nasa gawi ni Miguel. I leaned, pressed a button and the window rolled down. Two police officers greeted.
"Anong nangyari, iha?" The bald one asked. Dumako ang paningin niya sa kay Miguel na nakasandal sa manibela.
Pinunasan ko ang pisngi kong may luha. "Muntik na po kaming mabangga. Tapos po nun ay nagreklamo po siyang sumasakit daw po 'yung ulo niya tapos po ayun.." I sniffed. "..nahimatay na lang po siya bigla." I managed to explain despite of my lips trembling, my hands shaking.
The police man with long beard nodded at me. He then fetched his radio and called for an ambulance.
The next thing passed by like a blur. May dumating na ambulansya at inilagay nila si Miguel sa stretcher. Yakap-yakap ko ang sarili ko habang ginagawa nila iyon. I need something or someone to hold on to but I'm alone. Might as well cling at myself because I've got no one to watch my back except for my own shadow.
Someone tapped my back. Nag-angat ako ng tingin at natagpuan ko ang sarili kong natutulog sa puting couch. I saw him sleeping soundly. May nakakabit sa kaniyang IV fluid. Sa sobrang pagod marahil kaya ako nakatulog. Dumako ang paningin ko sa relo sa braso ko at napag-alaman kong alas-otso na ng gabi.
"Miss?" Lumipat ang mga mata ko sa doktor na nakatayo malapit sa akin.
"Someone's here to see Mr. Robles." She said.
I combed my hair using my fingers. I straightened my shirt as I stood up. Pagkalabas ko ng silid ay may nag-aabang doong ginang. I guessed she was in her late 40's. Her hair was tied in a tight bun and she was wearing a nude dress. White streaks were visible in her black hair but nevertheless, she was still beautiful and classy. Halatang habulin siya ng mga kalalakihan noong kabataan niya.
She stood up the moment she saw the doctor.
"Mrs. Robles, this is Ms. Snow Vasquez. Siya iyong kasama nang anak niyo kanina."
She smiled at me and handed her hand. "Millicent Robles." I shook hers. "How's my son?" Tanong niya matapos bitawan ang kamay ko.
"Your son's stable, Mrs. He's still unconscious but I believe he'll wake up soon." The doctor answered for me.
Hindi ko alam kung sino ang tumawag sa ina ni Miguel. I don't know her number and this the first time we met. I glanced at the doctor.
"Luckily, they brought him here. I was the one who cured him from an accident months ago and up until now, I am still monitoring him." Tumingin siya sa aming dalawa at ngumiti. "I want to discuss something so please follow me."
Bigla akong nakaramdam ng kaba. Nagsimula na siyang maglakad. I hesitated to follow at first, but Miguel's mother held my hand. She smiled at me as she motioned for us to start walking.
Her hand was warm and calming. Para bang tinatapik niya ako sa balikat at sinasabing walang masamang mangyayari sa anak niya. Parang bang hinahaplos niya ang puso ko at ipinaparamdam sa akin na okay lang ang lahat. I longed so long for this feeling to feel. I have this urge to hug her so tight. Ni hindi ko pa ito naramdaman sa sarili kong ina.
Doctor Araneta lead to us to a room that looks like a conference room. May mga upuan roon at sa harap nito ay isang laptop at projector. She told us to sit and she went in front of the computer.
A picture of a brain flashed. Tumayo siya at lumapit sa harap. May itinuro siya doon. "This is a region of the brain deep inside the temporal lobe known as the limbic system. It includes the amygdala, hypothalamus, thalamus and etcetera. Some of them are relevance to the processing of memory."
All we could do is nod. I have no idea about what she's trying to imply to us. Alam ko namang may amnesia si Migs.
"Any disease or injury in this part of the brain can interfere to the intricacies of the memory. Since Miguel experienced an accident which damaged this part.." She circled the limbic system. "..his emotions and memories were blocked. Hence, popularly known as Amnesia. However, he can remember most parts of his memories so I conducted a series of tests before and figured out that he has Selective Amnesia."
Pinagsalikop niya ang dalawang kamay. "Common elements that may be forgotten are special talents, living areas, abilities, events or traumatic events and.." She looked at me and my brow suddenly raised. "..relationships."
"Is there anyway to bring back his memories?" I cannot stop myself from asking.
I want him to remember everything from the past. I want him to remember every day he spent with me, every feeling, every place. I want him to remember.. me.
"Many forms of amnesia fix themselves without being treated. But there are some ways to cope up with memory loss such as occupational therapy. My problem is, I asked him before and he won't undergo such therapy."
Ramdam ko ang pagbagsak ng mga balikat ni Mrs. Robles. I moved my hand and patted her back. She looked at me and smiled a little.
"Kaya ko ipinaliwanag sa inyo kung ano ba ang meron si Miguel ay dahil gusto ko siyang tulungang ibalik ang kaniyang memorya. We can show him some photographs, notes, letters or videos from the past to help him retreive his memories. Pwedeng magkwento tayo sa kaniya ng mga pangyayari o bagay na hindi niya maalala. Maybe someone, something, a feeling or anything. But the thing is, we must not pressure him to remember. It takes time."
Binuksan niya ang ilaw. "There's no really actual medicine for amnesia so we need to wait. I don't know how long will it take for him to remember or if he'll be able to bring what's lost. We don't know."
I searched for words to say but I can't found any. Biglang sumagi sa isip ko ang mga sinabi ni Miguel kanina bago siya hinimatay. He remembered something. He said he remembered something.
I played with my fingers as Mrs. Robles asked Dr. Araneta. I'm contemplating whether to tell her he remembered something. Wala akong kaide-ideya kung ano iyong naalala niya pero nakaramdam ako ng kaba. I think it's about me. It includes me and it fears me that he might know. He might know that I was the one who told Jana to humiliate him in front of everybody. I'm scared that he might hate me as much as I hate him.
Before.
Miguel's mother told me to go home since it's late and she insisted that I need to rest. So I did.
Hindi ko alam kung paano ako naka-uwi ng maayos. Hindi ako nagpasundo at pinili kong magcommute. Sa sobrang pagod ay nakatulog akong hindi pa nakakapagpalit ng damit. I woked up tired. I slept for so many hours and yet I woke up tired. Pinilit ko ang sarili kong magshower. I wore my usual shirt and ripped jeans as I slipped into my sneakers. Hindi pa man nagsisimula ang araw ko ay napapagod na ako.
Mabilis kong tinapos ang almusal ko. Nagpaalam ako kay Nanay Delia at nagpahatid kay Kuya Ver sa hospital.
I have no idea why I am still sleepy. I was practically dragging myself to walk out from the car, force myself to push the buttons in the elevator. I lazily walked towards Miguel's hospital room, 312.
Kumatok ako doon. Dalawang beses, tatlo, hanggang sa hindi ko na mabilang. Matagal akong pinagbuksan at nang magbukas sa wakas ang pinto ay isang matandang babae ang bumungad sa akin. Her eyes were puffy from crying, obviously. She was sniffing and wiping her nose at the same time.
Umangat ang tingin ko sa taas ng pinto. Three, one, two. Hindi ako maaaring magkamali.
Tumingin akong muli sa matanda at nakatingin din siya sa akin. "Kaibigan ka rin ba ng apo ko?" She managed to ask.
So this was his grandmother.
Tumango ako at ngumiti. "Opo. Kamusta na po siya? Gising na po?" Tanong ko. Inangat ko ang dala kong basket na puno ng prutas. "Nagdala po ako."
Nagulat ako ng muli siyang humagulgol. I am trying to reach her out but she won't stop crying. Tumabi siya mula sa pagkakaharang sa pinto at tuluyan akong pumasok.
And there he was, lying in his bed with a white cloth wrapped around his body. Ang daming taong nasa loob ng kwartong iyon at lahat ay umiiyak. Gusto kong bitawan ang hawak ko pero hindi ko kaya. I want to hold on to something.
Sinubukan kong hanapin ang mukha ng ina ni Miguel pero hindi ko iyon makita. Hindi pamilyar sa akin ang mukhang nakikita ko and I was asking myself, what the hell am I doing here?
Tumingin ako sa couch na tinulugan ko kahapon, tumingin ako sa bintana na tumatanaw sa buong syudad, tumingin ako sa kamang hinihigaan ni Miguel, tumingin ako sa labas ng pintuan.
"Miguel?" Naibulalas ko ng lumapit ako sa kama niya.
Nagsimula ng tumulo ang mga luha ko. Wala akong alam kung paano siya namatay. Kasama ko lang siya kahapon tapos namatay na siya ngayon? I want to say sorry to him. I want to punch him so hard his nose will bleed. I want to hurt him so bad for causing Rain so much pain. For teaching me how to seek revenge. I want to..
I dropped the basket and was sobbing silently as I stared at his body.
I want to hug him.
Nagulat ako ng may tumapik sa balikat ko. Umiiyak na hinarap ko kung sino man yun at nakita ko ang Lola niya.
She was still crying. "Neng, hindi Miguel ang pangalan ng apo ko." Saad niya dahilan para mapatigil ako.
Bumalik ang tingin ko sa bangkay pabalik kay Lola. "Po?" Mahinang tugon ko.
"Jose Delos Reyes ang pangalan ng apo ko. Girlfriend ka ba niya?" Tanong nito.
Napaatras ako. Ramdam ko ang maraming pares ng matang nakatitig sa akin. Sunod-sunod ang pag-iling ko. Pinahid ko ng mabilis ang mga luha ko at tumakbo ako palabas ng kwartong iyon.
Shit. Nakakahiya. Gusto kong pukpukin ang ulo ko dahil sa katangahan.
Mabilis akong naglakad patungo sa elevator. I pressed the button outside. Hindi na ako makapaghintay na umalis sa floor na iyon.
When the door opened, I shook my head. Nahihiya pa rin ako sa nangyari doon sa kwartong akala ko ay kay Miguel pa rin.
I pressed the groundfloor button.
"Ask your father, Clay. Kung papayagan man kita ay sa kaniya pa rin manggagaling ang pinakahuling desisyon." Mataray na saad ng isang babae.
"But she won't let me, Mom! Kanina ko pa tinatawagan si Daddy pero ayaw sumagot." Sagot ng kausap.
My gaze moved from my shoes to them. Nagulat ako ng makita ang pamilyar na mahabang buhok ni Dra. Araneta. She was holding a holder. Her brows were furrowed and her mouth was pressed into a thin line.
"Good Afternoon, Dra." I said.
Gulat siyang napatingin sa akin. Maging iyong kasama niya ay napatingin din sa gawi ko.
"Ikaw pala, Ms. Vasquez. Oh bakit ka nandito?" She asked.
Pinaglaruan ko ang daliri ko. "I was about to visit Miguel po. Kaya nga lang wala na yata siya."
Nagtataka niya akong tinignan. "He was discharged earlier. Hindi ba nasabi sayo?"
Mabilis ang pag-iling ko. "Hindi po pero itetext ko na lang po siya. Salamat." I said as the door open.
She nodded at me as I bid my goodbye.
Agad kong kinuha ang telepono ko at tinawagan si Miguel. He told me he was resting and he kept on thanking me about yesterday. I asked if I could visit, but he refused. Ano pa bang magagawa ko kundi sumunod na lang? Besides, he needed a rest. Marahil napagod siya at na-stress sa kamuntikang pagbangga namin kaya sumakit ang ulo niya.
I spent my days boring myself to death. Lumipad ang pamilya ko sa Amerika para doon ipagdiwang ang pasko. I was left alone because Mom notify me 2 days before our trip. She said my passport was ready and she booked me a plane ticket, but I haven't packed yet! Hanggang bagong taon daw kami doon kaya hindi ako sumama. I have plans this New Year's Eve with my cousins and I can't believe she didn't ask a month before the said trip so I can arrange my schedule. Ang ending ay hindi ako nakasama kaya ngayon ay mag-isa lang ako dito sa bahay kasama sina Nanay Delia.
It was Christmas Eve. Faye went to Japan with her family until 28. Rain was with her boyfriend. Yes, she has a boyfriend already. Den was in Batanes and Jat was nowhere to be found. And me? I was stuck in my room watching boring TV series and waiting for the clock to strike at 12.
Naghanda ng kaunti si Nanay para sa mga kasama namin sa bahay. Kumain lang ako ng kaunti saka nagkulong dito sa kwarto. I was alone once again. Well, hindi na rin naman ako nagtataka dahil palagi na lang akong ganito. Mag-isa at naiiwan.
I am a wallflower. I hate attention. I hate people. I hate talking to them. I hate listening to their thoughts. I hate getting attached to them because they will leave me after all. Iiwan din nila akong lahat. Dadating ang araw na mawawala sila at iiwan din nila ako. So might as well prepare myself, right?
At hindi ko alam kung saan ako dadalhin nitong mga iniisip ko. Minsan nga, natatakot na ako sa mga bagay na sumasagi sa utak ko.
May mahinang katok na nagbalik sa akin sa realidad. I turned off my television and went to the door to open it.
Pagbukas ko ay si Nanay Delia ang bumungad sa akin. Naka-suot siya ng asul na duster at malawak ang ngiti.
"May bisita ka, nak." Saad niya.
Tumango ako at lumabas na ng pintuan. Alas-diyes na nang gabi at kanina ko pa balak matulog. I am wearing a pink with bunny pajamas and my hair was in tight bun. Nagmadali akong bumaba at nagulat ako sa naabutan ko sa sala. Literal na nalaglag ang panga ko at gusto ko nang bumalik ng kwarto, magtago, magkulong, magmukmok at matulog.
He stood up. He was wearing a gray hoodie and faded jeans. His hair was combed perfectly and he was wearing a bright smile.
"Merry Christmas!" He said with joy as he open his arms.
I have no idea why I am crying. Mabagal ang paraan ng paglalakad ko palapit sa kaniya. Nang higit limang dangkal na lang ang pagitan namin ay bigla niya akong hinila. I burried my face into his chest and he was carressing my hair.
"I miss you, miss." Bulong niya malapit sa tenga ako at mas lalo akong napaiyak.
I miss you too, Migs.
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nangyayari sa akin. Hindi ko alam. Hindi ko alam kung ano itong nararamdaman ko. It was like he invaded my system. Noong nakalipas na araw na hindi ko siya nakikita ay sobrang namiss ko siya. Gusto ko siyang makita. Gusto kong masilayan ang magulo niyang buhok, 'yung singkit niyang mga mata, 'yung ngiti niya. I miss him so damn much and I don't know what's wrong with me.
"Why are you crying?" Natatawang saad niya.
Hinampas ko siya sa balikat at pinunasan ang mga luha ko.
"Kumain ka na?" I asked.
Umiling siya sabay turo sa basket na nakapatong sa lamesa.
"I prepared something, miss." His lips curved. "Would you mind if you join me?"
Ngumisi ako. "I won't. Akin na 'yan at ipapahanda ko kay Nanay Delia." Inabot ko iyong dala niya pero mabilis na hinawakan niya ang kamay ko.
"I already arranged everything. Akyat na tayo." Sabi niya na ikinataas ng kilay ko.
"Rooftop." Simple niyang sagot.
"How did you know?" I asked, amused.
He folded his arms and grinned at me. "When I dropped you here before, I studied the structure of your house and found out that there's a rooftop." He raised his eyebrow. "So?" Inilahad niya ang kamay sa harap ko at hindi na ako nag-atubili pang kunin iyon.
I have no idea what will happen tonight but I'm glad I get to spend this night with him. My heart was bursting with so much happiness it vibrates through my face. I can't help but smile so wide as we climbed the stairs.
Someday I know he'll leave me, but I'm grateful that once in my life, I get to know him. We started a little bit off, but I am thankful God gave us this second chance to set things right. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, next week, next month, next week or even next decade.
But tonight, I will cling to this little tinge of hope in my heart. I may face the next day alone, but I am sure I am not tonight.