I tap the dismiss button on my phone screen immediately and my alarm goes off. I barely slept at night and woke up an hour before my alarm went off. Every time I close my eyes I either see Zac to Eli's stupid face, and I'm going to have to see them in school today. Eli probably knows I kissed Zac but doesn't know I kissed Eli. Should I tell him? I probably should. But how do I even bring it up? Hey Zac! So yesterday after I came home I made out with my ex-boyfriend. Ugh! None of this would have happened if I was a lizard, Dr. Connors has a point.
"I need a shower and coffee."
I mumble as I get out of bed.
I drag myself into the shower and attempt to wash away my memories; it doesn't work.
"Sarah! Zaccai is here!"
Mom calls just as I leave the shower. What the heck is he doing here? Oh, right... he said he'd come by yesterday. Ugh... I really don't want to see him right now. But if I act weird, everyone's going to know something happened. I just need to be my usual, sarcastic self.
I quickly put on a comfortable outfit, grab my school stuff and walk downstairs, making sure to be as calm as possible.
"Morning Sarah!"
Ace hails from the bottom of the stairs as I approach.
"Hey..."
That's how I would normally respond to his enthusiasm, right?
Ace escorts me into the kitchen where Zac is seated, talking to my parents.
"Why are you here?"
I ask Zaccai, walking straight to the coffee pot.
"I said I'd come check up on you, didn't I?"
"You could have just met me at school."
The room falls silent.
"You're going to school?"
Ace questions.
"Uh.. yeah, I sure as heck didn't carry my bags downstairs as a fashion statement."
What's with them?
"Are you sure about that honey?"
Mom inquires
"Yes, I'm sure. Why?"
After another brief silence, Dad speaks up.
"Officer Gary called, told us about your meeting with Chester and how Erica was behind everything. We just don't feel like it's safe to be around her right now."
Freaking snitch.
"Erica won't do anything to me directly, she is too scared. As for her minions at school, they're probably already suspended for beating up Mike."
Oops... I should have said that last part.
"What do you mean her 'minions'? And why on earth would they beat up mike?"
Sigh...
"Mike's the one who tipped me off about Erica. He was also one of her minions but decided to tell me everything after the whole Chester fiasco. As a result, Erica got some dumb jocks to beat him to a pulp. Hope is the one who told me about it."
They look at me in horror as I explain.
"That's even more reason for you not to go!"
Mom demands.
"Mom, if Erica wanted me beaten by a bunch of jocks she would have made it happen. Her goal is to outsmart me and hurt me emotionally. She wants me to feel inferior. I'll be fine."
After another brief pause, mom pulls me into a hug.
"Just promise you'll stay out of trouble."
"I promise mom, I'll be okay."
"Plus, anyone who wants to get to her will have to go through me."
Zac brags, puffing out his chest.
"My hero."
I roll my eyes.
____
Zaccai has been following me pretty much everywhere I go the entire day. I was beginning to worry about how to escape him and meet with Eli but lucky for me, he isn't free during sixth period and so I'm heading to the music room as quickly as I can before he figure out a way to get out of class and continue tailing me.
"Well well well... look who it is."
For goodness sake, of all the people I could've run into.
"Jeanna! Haven't seen you in forever."
She smirks at my sarcasm. She's without her minions today, it's odd to see her alone.
"Where are you going in such a rush, Sarah?"
"None of your business Jeanna."
"Look, do us all a favour and just go jump off a building or something. Audrey saw you that night at the hotel. You really disappointed her when you couldn't even jump off a balcony right."
What? How did she...?
"If you're wondering how she saw you, her room was below yours, she happened to be outside chilling on her balcony and saw you climbing yours. Who'd have guessed, the heartless Sarah Gordon, hated by everyone, hates herself too."
I somehow allowed myself to forget about that night...
"Hey!"
Eli?
"Dez! How long have you been standing there?"
She stammers.
"What the heck is wrong with you Jeanna?"
She tries to laugh it off but Eli just gives her a look of disgust in return.
"Ugh... You're such a moron Dez. How can you waste your time with such a witch? She is just a heartless-"
"-Shut up before I make you"
Eli growls, sewing her big fat fish lip mouth shut.
"Whatever."
She lets out before walking away.
Eli grabs my hand and pulls me all the way into the music room then shuts the door behind us.
"Is what she said true?"
I was hoping he'd just forget about it but I should know better by now.
"I... I wasn't thinking straight. It's not like I want to die..."
I just didn't... I don't want to live as myself anymore.
Without saying another word, he wraps his arms around me.
"Sarah, please... never do that to me. Ever. I need you."
He quivers. It's been a while since I heard Eli cry, I almost forgot how much of a crybaby he is. I guess I've been filling that spot lately.
"You know... It was your call that stopped me."
"So it was that night, huh? Then I'm glad I called."
I push away from him not wanting to get all sappy about the topic.
"What is it you wanted to show me?"
He understands my unwillingness to discuss the topic any further and walks across the room.
"I wanted you to hear this song I wrote and tell me what you think."
He explains, grabbing a guitar and sitting on a tiny stool in the center of the room.
He has written a lot of songs. He posts them on his social media a lot and is kind of popular with 500k followers. When we were together he'd write songs just for me, record them in his home studio and add them to my phone without my knowledge. I still have the special playlist he made.
"Okay."
I grab another tiny stool and sit. I've missed his singing so I'm kind of excited. He starts strumming a tune on the guitar and from those few notes I can tell the song will be beautiful. When the lyrics start flowing from his tongue my heart stops. Time stops. They are beautiful but painful too. They're about me. About what he wants to say to me. About how he knows that when I snapped at him and Zac I didn't mean it. He knows I was just hurting and that I regret it. It's giving me nostalgia from before the breakup. He abruptly stops playing, snapping me out of the trance his song had me in.
"So... what do you think?"
What do I think? I think he has too much talent for anyone's good, that can be a compliment but I don't mean it as one.
"The song is great. But if you're singing about me, I don't remember feeling any regret after saying I hate you."
Except when I say it out of anger, which is probably what he meant but it's no fun making his life easy.
"I wrote that song the day I called you. After that call, I couldn't sleep, so I wrote a song."
He's still wearing that concerned frown.
"Look... I already explained-"
"-Sarah... you don't need to explain every time you have a moment of weakness."
Well... that sure caught me off guard. The bell rings, saving me from this conversation.
"Well... there goes the bell. I'll see you later Eli."
Before I can leave, he rushes and grabs my hand.
"Sarah... please... it doesn't have to be me but... talk to someone. I know you're hurting. I can tell even when you're to stubborn to admit it. Just talk to someone, okay?"
I bit my lip to focus on the physical pain rather than the stabbing pain in my neck and chest.
"I'll see you later."
I whisper and then walk out without another word.
___
"And one and two and Pause."
Mrs. Barlowe instructs to help us to remember the order of the moves in the routine.
"Well... that wasn't awful but we have a reputation for being the best and we can't be the best with such sluggish movements. I expect you all here bright and early for rehearsal tomorrow. Dismissed!"
I never thought I'd be so happy to stop dancing. Everyone has already gone home and it's almost dark out.
"You guys wanna walk home together today?"
Ryan announces. Audrey and Tess just keep walking and we all stare silently as they march dramatically out the door.
"I guess that's a no for them."
Ezra says sarcastically, triggering everyone to laugh.
"I would but my dad is taking us out tonight and my sister's already here to pick me up. Bye guys."
We all say bye in unison as Eliana waves goodbye skips out the door.
"Well, I'm down."
Hope announces.
"Me too."
Oscar joins in.
The three stare at us and Zac just stares at me as if seeking my approval.
"I don't really feel like it today."
I finally answer as I pack my bag.
"I guess that's a no for me too."
"I don't need a bodyguard Zac... you can walk with them. We don't even live in the same area."
"My place is close enough to your estate."
Ugh.
Ryan, Hope, and Ezra leave, probably to escape listening to Zaccai and I bicker.
"So.. Do you want to stop anywhere before home? A froyo shop maybe?."
He sounds like a child.
"No."
I throw my bag over my shoulder and start approaching the door.
"Oh come on, I'm buying this time!"
He pleads.
I don't get this! He doesn't make sense to me.
"Zac.."
I start after abruptly stopping.
"Yeah?"
"Why don't you hate me?"
"How many times have you asked me that Sarah?"
"All the other times I asked out of frustration... Now, I really just want to know."
The memory of how I yelled at him at the hotel is stuck in my mind. I told him I'm a bad person. I told him I didn't care... I told him I hate him but he stayed. Every time he stayed. Why?
"Like I told you... It's not that I don't hate you. There are plenty of times when I do. But even when I hate you, I still can't not care about you."
When I asked Dez... he said there was nothing to hate about me. That answer made me feel good but it was a lie. I know he meant it but there is simply no way there's nothing to hate about me.
"You are such a Masochist freak..."
I quiver.
"Sarah... are you okay?"
He rushes to stand in front of me and grabs my shoulders, examining my face and noticing my tears.
"No..."
I finally admit. Not just to him but to myself.
"Sarah..."
"Remember that night in the hotel? We had a huge fight and I said that I hate you..."
"Sarah, I know you didn't mean it."
"But I did mean it. I thought, like everybody else, you turned on me. But the next day, you acted like the fight didn't even happen, like I hadn't said what I said."
"Because I didn't want to turn on you. I knew you were hurt. I'd never seen you hurt before. I had hurt you so... I tried to make up for it but I pretended it never happened."
Ha... he's just as messed up as I am. In a way.
"I almost killed myself the day after..."
I don't know why I'm telling him of all people but...
"I climbed on the balcony railing and I was going to jump. I wasn't really even thinking about it. But Dez called and it startled me and I fell back onto the balcony... I wanted to forget about it all together and I almost did but today, Jeanna walked up to me and told me Audrey saw everything since her room was below mine and she was on her balcony too. If Jeanna knows and Erica does too... That means she doesn't care if I die. In fact, they would prefer it if I was dead. Am I so bad that people would be happier if I was dead? Am I even a victim in this story? How... how can I... why can't I just.. "
I break down before I can finish and Zac catches me in his arms as my weak useless body shuts down. I don't think I have ever felt so crappy in my entire life. It feels like I am a steamy pile of organic rotting garbage and I don't know what to do. I clench Zaccai's shirt and bury my head in his chest, trying desperately to control my rapid, unstable breathing. He doesn't say anything but instead just holds me tighter. It kind of feels like he is holding on to me for his sake too.
"I'm sorry..."
I mumble having finally relaxed enough to speak. I pull away and the moment my eyes lock on his face I notice he has been crying too.
"Well, way to steal my moment, Zac."
I joke, wiping my face with my sleeve. He places his hands on my face and wipes the rest of my tears away. He didn't even giggle at my joke... rude.
"I can't lose you. Please don't ever, ever leave me. I don't care if it's selfish of me to ask, just don't... please."
He begs desperately. In response, I wrap my arms around his waist and lay my head on his chest. I forgot that he already lost a friend once, pretty selfish of me to come to him about me being suicidal.
"Only if you buy me Froyo."
He chuckles and then wraps his arms around me. I may have lost Erica but I've got a cool new best friend now.
Eww, never tell Zac I said that. I mean it! Don't you dare!
___
Mom finally made the decision to pull me out of BrightView. The day I broke down in front of Zac in the dance studio was actually my last day there as a student. Eli has been coming here often since Mr Alverez is discussing with mom and Dad their plan for the case against Erica and how to keep it lowkey so that Erica's parents rep doesn't get ruined. As a result, Zac makes a point of coming anytime he is free so that he can even out the amount of time i spend with him and Eli. Sometimes I have to hang out with them both and it's honestly so frustrating.
"Ugggghhh!"
I let out wishing life could be simpler.
"Is something the matter?"
Mom asks sarcastically as she walks into my room.
"How'd you know?"
"Well, I am your mother."
She brags.
"And there was also the loud dramatic heave."
"Tell me what to do mom."
I plead, desperate for a solution.
"About Zac and Dez?"
"Obviously."
I fall back on my bed, frustrated by my brain's inability to just freaking choose one or even none.
"Well... who do you like more?"
"If i knew the answer to that I wouldn't be in this predicament mom."
"Fair enough. Okay, I'm going to give you a scenario, and i want you to just clear your mind and listen."
I take a deep breath and clear my mind as much as possible.
"Okay. I'm ready."
"Picture your favourite place to be. A place where you feel at peace, like there are no problems in your life. A place where you're just happy."
I shut my eyes and imagine the beach, during the sunrise. When it's empty and quiet and cold but warm at the same time. Not a person in sight.
"Okay... i'm picturing"
"You're doing something... what is it?"
"Dancing... That's the one thin i love doing."
"Now, someone says... 'you look so beautiful when you dance'... you turn and see..."
I open my eyes as soon as the image of the person pops in my head. I honestly did not expect it to be him. But... I did at the same time.
"Well?"
Mom anticipates.
"I saw him."
"Him who? Who was it? Zac or Dez?"
I rise from my bed and smirk at my mother.
"Wouldn't you like to know."
I tease
"Yes... yes I would.. Please tell me."
"Nope... I have to do something first."
"Saraaaaaah!"
I ignore her whining and unlock my phone to text them.
"Are you texting him? Let me see!"
I jump off my bed, run into my bathroom and lock the door to ensure my privacy.
"Oh come on Sarah! I'm your mother! I birthed you! I have rights!"
Again, I ignore her and just open the message box between me and him.
ME
Hey... Wait for me after school. I need to talk to you.
I have 2 hours till classes are over. I hope I don't change my mind.
No... I won't. I have made my choice.
___
I have never felt so nervous walking down the school hallway. He texted me where he'd be waiting and the more I walk the further the room seems to get. It's like I can't get there soon enough but at the same time I don't want to reach in case it goes wrong. I know for sure he loves me, how could he not? This is me we're talking about. He definitely loves me. But... I am sweating buckets. My footsteps echo in the empty halls and I feel like my heart beat is echoing too.
"I got this..."
I mumble, finally reaching the door of the room we agreed to meet in.
What if I took too long and he left? What if I mess up? I'll look really stupid if i act all shy. Eww... the thought of me acting shy is just gross. Not that it's bad to be shy, it's just gross on me.
I pull the door open and walk in as confidently as I can. Without much searching my eyes quickly meet his and I freeze.
"Hey! You finally got here!"
He teases. I think I'm going to puke out my guts. What the heck should I say?!
"Look... i'm just going to get straight to the point."
Way to go Sarah... You sound like a business dealer.
"Your face is turning red..."
He points out with a smirk.
"Shut up and let me finish."
"Jeez... okay."
I take a deep breath and maintain my firm demeanour. I should say something romantic? But what? I want to sound cool. I want to make him melt! He will melt if it's the last thing I do.
"Listen... We are dating."
I guess romance just isn't my thing...
"What?"
"Did I stutter?"
His face brightens up and he races at me, unable to contain his smile. He wraps himself around me and lifts me off the ground. I didn't make him melt but he sure is acting like a goof.
"I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!"
He cries before putting me down.