Sunday. Debut.
"Ahh. Fuckk."
I woke up to the rustling of sheets, as I sat up in my sleepy state it took me a moment to register that Yoongi was writhing in pain, clutching at his shoulder as he shifted around.
"Yoongi, shit, hold on a second" I was forced to rack my brain as to what to do which was hard seeing as my head was still so cloudy.
What to do, what to do. Shit.
I went over to my medicine box and started rummaging thought it, that's when the packet of Codeine caught my eye. I snatched it and hurried off to grab a glass of water. Yoongi was trying his best to hold in the pain as I helped him sit up.
"It's Codeine. Should be strong enough to hold it back for now" I told him. Yoongi gave a nod before taking the medicine, gulping down the glass of water and laying back down.
After thirty minutes he seemed to relax. I took a seat on the edge of the bed as he propped himself up.
"Thanks. You're right, I can't feel it anymore" he took a deep breath before shifting to get up.
"Yoongi. How long are you going to keep going like this? Please..." I stopped myself, Yoongi stood there in the middle of my room for a moment.
"I need to get through debut. We can talk about it later" he didn't look at me, instead, he went into the bathroom and shut the door behind him. I sat in silence, nothing but worry running through me.
What could I do? I really didn't know. And it was starting to eat away at me.
A few minutes later Yoongi came back in and sat beside me appearing more composed than before.
"I have to meet up with the others for rehearsal before the broadcast. Are you going to come watch our debut?" Yoongi questioned as he looked at me plainly.
"Yeah of course. I'll come by and see you before the performance if I can" I ran a hand through my hair to push it back. "Good. We'll need our good luck charm for today" Yoongi cracked into a small smile. I knew he was going through some shit right now but seriously?
"If you want me there just say it, don't beat around the bush and act like it's for good luck" Yoongi tried to deny it but the little blush he wore made it easy to call his bluff. After he left I decided to put together a fruit basket to take the boys as a debut present. Maybe a colourful basket of delicious fruit would help settle any nerves and stress they are feeling. Today was a really important day for them, I couldn't imagine how it must feel.
It was even by default that I could feel even a little of the same anxiousness too. The entire morning I was feeling it. But they had worked so hard and I knew they were going to be alright.
I made my way down to the Ilchi art hall holding my fruit basket. The sun on my skin warmed me and put me at ease, it was so bright that I had to squint to see properly. But, it replaced my uneasy feeling with optimism and hope for today.
When I arrived and entered the building I showed my backstage pass to one of the lobby staff and they led me down a side door. The halls we walked down had people all around, probably waiting for their turn on stage. Eventually we turned into a big room, it was lined with mirrors and benches and I started to recognise the boys and their team of staff all scattered around. The energy was a mixture of nerves and excitement.
Jin was the first to notice me as he lit up and strolled over. "Wow, Is that for us?" His eyes widened in surprise. "Yeah, just a little something to congratulate you on your debut" I beamed. "Aw that's so cute of you" Jin carefully took it from me before handing it to one of the staff and asking them to put it on the table for them.
Joon spotted us and came over too. "Jia, you made it" he pulled me into a one armed hug. "Of course, there's no way I'd miss something so important" I chuckled. Joon feigned a soft eyed smile before the two of them invited me inside. Hoseok noticed us and joined the three of us as we sat down on a couch together.
"So, how long until you guys are going up on stage?" I asked, the energy around the room as people bustled around with cameras or touching up their makeup made it kind of hard to relax.
"Shouldn't be too long now. Rehearsals went alright so" Hoseok replied, he'd leaned against the arm rest to the left of me. Joon placed his hand on my thigh, pulling my attention back to him.
"Yeah, and having you here gives us strength. I have a feeling everything will be fine" he was holding it together so well for the rest of the team. Just then, a staff member from the venue called 15 minutes for them to get ready for the stage.
"That's us. We should go" Jin peered around towards Jimin, Tae and Jungkook who were busy being filmed for something, maybe a vlog. But, come to think of it, I couldn't see Yoongi anywhere... was he alright ?
"Okay, I'll get going too. I'll be in the crowd cheering for you guys! Look out for me okay!" I jumped to my feet followed by the others. "Alright, enjoy the show" Hoseok lent in and kissed me on the cheek. "Be careful out there okay?" Jin ruffled my hair and Joon just cracked a smile. "Jia, thanks for everything. Your support, believing in us, the song... I know everyone's going to love it" Joon bent down to eye level with me. I felt a small blush creep up on my cheeks, I'd partly forgotten it was even my song they were going to perform.
"I really hope so... I hope they love it and that they love you all as much as I do... I'm sure they will as soon as they see how amazing you all are..." a small rush of emotions hit, as though it was all just cascading in at once.
This was it, this was happening right now.
"I'll see you afterwards, okay?" Joon pulled me into a heartfelt hug. I nodded, trying to hold back feelings that were overwhelming me.
He let go, I quickly made my way back out towards the crowd so I could watch their performance. The crowd was bigger than I expected! Maybe about 400 people were squished together and waiting for the next act.
I was a nervous excited wreck as I watched the boys come out on stage and introduce themselves. It was so surreal seeing them up there. Knowing how much effort and hard work had gone into this. The music started and they got into formation. I cheered along with the crowd as I watched on, A swelling of pride growing in my chest.
The energy they emitted was insane, I was stunned as I watched on, the noise of the crowed seemed to drown out as though nothing else mattered except seeing them perform.
Then, It all seemed to come to an end way too soon. I was so touched I hadn't even noticed I'd cried a bit during the show.
I walked like I was in a daze, not really sure where I was going until I got a text from Joon telling me to meet them at the club later for the After party so I decided to just go home.
I was still overwhelmed, their performance fresh in my mind as I wondered down the street.
This was it. They'd actually just debut.
The crowd had cheered so much, they looked so happy up there too. I was happy for them. From the moment I first met them, I felt their passion and commitment. Hours they spent practicing dance, writing songs, days locked up in their studio producing music. It had all boiled up to this moment, they'd left it all on that stage.
Their hopes, dreams, aspirations. All of it.
I went home and lay down on the kitchen floor, still being hit with revelations. Even though the boys were finally seeing their dreams become reality, was it weird to think where that left me exactly?
As the initial excitement faded I was left with a strange aftertaste.
Perhaps my overthinking, my inner saboteur had come to visit me. I just couldn't help but to wonder what would happen now... As they become more popular would I still be someone precious to them? Or would that change?
The whole point of them dabbling in crime was so they could keep making money to get to debut, was it not? How far would they go? Would they change their minds and drop their connections to the underground and focus only on their careers? And if they did, where would that leave me? What did I even want to do with my life?
At first, I'd wanted to make music, enjoy my life and spread positivity to others around me. I still wanted to do that. The reason I even started working at the hostess club was so that I could do that. It had worked for the most part. But, after what happened with Dae-Sung could I bring myself to do that kind of work again? Instead of facing the hard questions I'd been so distracted with everything around me to take a good look at myself and what it is that I'm doing and what I want. And most importantly, how I'm going to get it.
I need to make a decision and commit to it. If I want to even try and do what they did, I need to swallow down my fears and go for it. Just like they have. The fact that I need money is the most pressing problem that I'm facing right now. I still had a bit of time but I need to figure out how to get it soon or I can say goodbye to my education.
I quickly sat up and slapped myself in the face. "It's going to be okay. You are going to be okay".
I pushed every single doubt I had and locked it up in the back of my mind for now. It was getting late and I had to get ready for the after party. I took a few shots of Soju and turned on some loud music and started getting ready. I may have even gone a bit overboard, but then again, it was a really special night. I slipped on a little black dress, heels, doll eyed makeup, the whole nine yards. It was a strange thought that came to my mind, when I dressed up like this, like how I used to for hostessing I felt like someone other than myself. Maybe like I slipped into a persona of some sort. It made me feel free, free of worries or stress that Jia had to deal with. In a way, I wasn't her when I was like this. I was somewhere far far away, without a care in the world. That's how I felt.
By the time I was ready all my prior turmoil had been well and truly swept away by the music, I was just about to head downstairs when Tae poked his head up from the stairs.
"Hey, everyone's wondering where you are- Oh" He blinked a few times before slipping a cheeky smile.
"I was just about to come down" I quickly drank the shot I had in hand before going over to Tae. "I haven't seen you this dolled up since Karaoke. It's bringing back such good memories" he held out a hand, I took it. "Don't worry Tae, we can make more memories, even better than those ones" the fond way Tae looks at me only reminds me how I shared the sentiments.
We giggle together over those times at Karaoke on our way down to the lounge. When we finally get there everyone else is mid celebration, chatting and drinking amongst themselves.
"Jia! There you are baby girl! We've been wondering what was taking you so long" Jin noticed me first, raising his glass in the air as he called out to us.
Jimin and Jungkook both turned their heads in my direction from where they were seated together on a couch. One smiley eyed the others mouth dropping slightly. "I wanted to make sure I turned up for the occasion, congratulations!" I beamed, plopping down between Jin and Hoseok who were seated across from the others.
"You never disappoint, you know that right?" Hoseok gave me a satisfying look up and down before kissing my cheek. "You guys haven't seen the half of it, this dress is mild compared to some of the ones I've seen her in after work" Yoongi shot cheekily from beside Jungkook. "Ahh. Yoongi has a point" Jin laughed, seconding his statement. He knew first hand those other 'special occasion' dresses I kept locked away.
"Shh, don't tell them Yoongi, otherwise everyone's expectations will be so much higher" I whined, jokingly of course. Yoongi just gave me a little evil grin. I noted he looked like he was doing alright which settled my earlier worries about his shoulder.
Just then Joon came over with a tray full of glasses and a bottle of liquor. "Here, I think a bottle of our best is justified" he places it down on the table before looking down at me.
"Just in time, then again, I had a feeling you'd be here just before the drinks came out" he had a little laugh to himself, knowing I was quite the keen drinker.
"Joon! Come sit next to me?" I smiled, he returned it before nestling in between Hoseok and I. Jimin and Tae had already jumped on the opportunity to pour drinks. I turned to Joon, there was just so much I wanted to say to him.
"I still can't believe it, after everything" I hugged Joon tightly, he softly moved my hair off my shoulder, arms around me as he gave me a soft squeeze.
"I know, it's been crazy. But we're here now" he pulled away.
The night pursued and as if I wasn't already high enough on nostalgia and excitement we all drank together and it only got wilder. Yoongi took it upon himself to start with the next round, Jin bickered with Hoseok who had got up and started enthusiastically talking about the performance, all his dramatics included. Conversations about the Album started too.
Apparently the hard drive had been recovered and they were going to release the album within the next few days. Also, they need to shoot a music video this week coming. No doubt they would have their hands full soon with idol stuff.
Everything seemed to be looking up and it made me so happy. We drank and laughed, the night only getting rowdier as it went on.
I found myself shoeless and in giggling fit draped across the three rappers laps. Hoseok had been teasing me with tickles for the past 10 minutes and I was loving it.
"Noooo. Wait, break please, it's too much" I giggled, squirming around as I tried to grab his hand. Hoseok pulled away, grinning widely. I felt a small tug at the bottom of my dress, as I looked up I noticed it was Yoongi. "I think you meant to do this" Joon said as he reached back down to the bottom of my dress cheekily and pushed it back up a bit. "Joon, what're you doing!" Hoseok giggled and slapped his hand away.
"Hey~ More shots?" I reached out both arms and Joon hauled me upright onto his lap. "Yeah, another round" He nodded, Jimin had heard and reached over to pour drink. Before he'd finished Jungkook had stood up and come over.
Suddenly he swept me up and stole me from Joon. "Kookieeee" I squealed, only to see that cheeky smile he had when he was doing something naughty. I knew he'd been drinking a lot, more than usual. His face was flushed and looked like that innocent bunny from what seemed like forever ago.
"Shhh. Don't make a fuss, just dance with me" he mused as he put me back on my feet, away from the others.
I was feeling a little dizzy but I just couldn't help but feel smitten. Jungkook had a hold of me so I had no fear. I knew by now he'd never let me fall, he'd catch me no matter how drunk I was so I gave in.
"What's with that stupid smile on your face?" Kook smirked as he peered down into my face. He gently swung my hips from side to side with the hand he had on my waist. "No, it's nothing" I mumbled, trying to look down to hide it.
"Is it cause I asked you to dance?" He tilted my chin up so that I couldn't look away. "Maybe, why did you wanna dance anyway? I thought you were mad at me" I poked, Jungkook twirled me around suddenly before catching me again.
"I told you- Ah whatever" he gave up "I just don't want to miss out. I want to make special memories like this with you. While I still can..." the last part was barely a whisper. Before I could ask he pulled me closer and held me.
"Kookie, I miss you so much" I couldn't stop myself. "I know, I'm sorry" he whispered back. I didn't know what else to say so instead I just revelled in the moment with him.
Before long the club closed and everyone ended up way too drunk, they had to get a ride home from their manager Sejin. All left except for Yoongi. He seemed a little tipsy but no where near as drunk as the others had been. I had laid down on the couch to try and stop my head from spinning when Yoongi came over to help me upstairs.
"Jia, you have any more of those pain meds?" I was laying on my bed, Yoongi stood beside me.
"Yeah, they're in the box on the dresser" I threw my hand up in the general direction. The room was still spinning around but it settled down and I sat up.
"Wait, is your shoulder still hurting?" Yoongi, took the handful before sitting and falling back down on to the bed beside me.
"Yeah, but it's not as bad" he replied, I felt a tug around my mid as he pulled me. I fell down next to him. Yoongi tilted his head, dark eyes carefully grazing me.
"You know, your song saved our asses. I've been thinking about it all day. With out it, without you-" he spoke softly from beside me. I felt my heart sink because I knew what I had been thinking all day was the complete opposite.
"No, please, all of this is because of your hard work, Yoongi. All of you. You guys don't need me... I know that..." I lay there, spilling my true feelings in this moment of vulnerability. His gaze flickered at my words.
"Where's all of this coming from?" He asked abruptly.
"It's just the truth... I know we all have history, but, in hindsight it's not like it would matter if you all went on without me" I continued to let my real feelings out into the open.
"Stop it. Don't say such stupid things. It doesn't suit you". His words were harsh but they stopped me in my tracks. Yoongi looked up at the ceiling.
I let out a small sigh and sat up to look back at him. I don't know how we even started talking about that, what was more important was his shoulder which he'd been avoiding for the past few days.
"Can you please stop changing the subject and can we talk about your shoulder. Every time I see you hurting I feel like I'm going to explode from worrying. Yoongi please" he peered back down at me and sighed heavily.
"Okay okay, I'll get it looked at when I can. Happy?" He questioned, I gave a small nod and his head fell back down. There was a small moments silence before I heard him call my name.
"Yeah?" I mumbled. Still watching as he lay there looking up.
"Kiss me."
My heart stopped.
"What?" I felt my breath catch in my throat.
Did he actually just say that?
"I want you to kiss me" He said it again.
I slowly laid back down on my side next to him and Yoongi turned over to face me. I bit at my lip slightly before leaning in and kissing him. I felt my breathing quiver at the way he slowly deepens his tongue, this wasn't just any kiss, it meant so much more. Like I'd fall apart any moment now at the slightest of movements.
Yoongi pulled away before cupping my cheek and looking deeply in my eyes.
"I mean it. Don't you ever sell yourself short again. We need you. I need you. Got it?"
I gulped thickly as I tried to swallow down tears.
"Okay" I replied, my voice quivering.
The intensity between us calmed down as Yoongi gave a small nod and pulled me in closer.
"Maybe our dreams aren't as far away as we thought..." His voice whispered softly.
Familiar lyrics...
Those familiar sentiments...
I closed my eyes, breathing in that calming scent, the one that made me feel like everything was going to be alright.
Dream...
I'll be there...
Until the end...