I need to think.
A voice inside my head tells me I should respond to all the texts I know Tim's sending me, but I ignore the buzz of my phone and instead stare at the paper on my desk.
I cleared off a space and wrote "PARTY" on the top of the page in big, squiggly letters, and underneath I wrote "PROS" on one side, and "CONS" on the other.
So far, I have two pros, and about seven billion cons.
Pros:
Hang out with Tim?
First big party?
Cons:
William.
William's friends.
Well, only two cons, but technically the two come with all the name-calling and bullying, so that counts as seven billion. In my book, at least.
I keep seeing Tim's face every time I close my eyes- his worried eyes, chapped lips pulled into a concerned frown, and the clench in his jaw when I turned away.
Am I just being selfish? I don't need to think this much about this stupid party. It's a 'yes' or 'no' question, not a 'well maybe but also I'm not sure but I don't wanna hurt your feelings and-' ect.
I think Tai tries to call me, but I only spare my phone a glance before turning back to the paper.
I should get up. Drink water. Pee. Maybe brush my hair. But I can't stop thinking about everything. William, Tim, party, judging eyes. It just goes around and around and around in my head until my vision spins, and I have to lay down.
My body aches from not moving, and I spread my limbs like a starfish across my bed. I sigh, then grab my phone, intending to decline the call.
At first I don't notice my mistake. But then I hear Tai's voice loud and clear, blaring at me from where the phone rests in my palm.
"Why weren't you at school today?" He shouts. Well, as much as Tai can shout, which is more like a whisper-scream. His moms don't allow loud things in their house. "We're all worried!"
"I'm fine," I say, but my voice betrays me, cracking slightly with the last word. Damnit.
I think he goes outside or something, because his next words are loud and not held back at all.
"What the fuck?"
I open my mouth. The words form on my tongue, but I can't summon the strength to force them out. I swallow, and Tai fills the silence.
"Look," he says, lowering his voice slightly. "If you're gonna go off the grid like this, can you at least give us a reason?" He hesitates, then adds, "Give me a reason? I'm your best friend... shouldn't I be the first person you tell about this stuff?" He sounds almost sad.
"Sorry," I whisper, and at first I don't think he heard me.
Then he sighs.
"I know," Defeat leaks from the edges of his words. "Just...I'm here for you, okay? If you ever wanna talk."
"Thanks," I say, but by then he's already hung up.
I drop my phone. My hands feel empty, yet also throb with overstimulation. The air pricks at my skin, and when I run my hand down my arms the pain only ceases for that moment. Everything hurts, but I also know that there's no reason for it to hurt.
I want to bury myself in my blankets, let the soft, warm fabric sooth the pain and shield me from the outside.
And so I do.
I curl my legs up close to my chest and hug them tight. I can feel my heart beating in my fingertips. My breath warms the inside of my cocoon.
I feel achingly alone and overwhelmed at the same time, and trying to figure out which one I feel more makes my head hurt. So I just lay underneath the covers, breathing slowly and trying not to cry.
I'm being selfish. I'm pretending everything is such a big deal and that I have issues and that I need attention but I'm just pretending. I don't need attention, I'm perfectly fine, and I'm just blowing up some tiny issue so people will feel sorry for me.
I'm a liar to everyone including myself. I'm even crying right now, but these are just fake tears. Fake. Fake. Fake. Everything is just fake.
But if it's all a lie, then why do these tears sting? Why does the confusion and the overwhelming stress feel so real? Why can't I say "I'm fine" without feeling like I'm going to cry?
I'm overwhelmed. And too hot.
I sit up, tossing the blanket away. Now it's too cold, and the prickly feeling is back.
I mumble a curse.
"Get yourself together, idiot," I whisper, sniffing and fiercely scrubbing my eyes with the blanket.
I take a deep breath. Another. Another.
I count to two hundred, slowly, until my eye stops twitching and my fingers stop trembling.
I grab my Bluetooth headphones off my desk and shove them onto my ears, then pick up my phone and open Spotify. I turn on my headphones while my playlist loads, and they connect just as the names of the songs appear.
I scroll down, then tap when I see the name of my comfort song. The opening melody plays, and I close my eyes and lean back against my pillow, talking a deep breath and focusing on the music.
The song helps slow my mind, and eventually I sit back up as the song finishes for the seventh time. I pause it, then switch apps.
I open contacts, scroll down to 'T', and hesitate.
I tap his name. Press the 'call' icon. Toss the phone down and press my headphones closer to my ears.
Let the phone chirp for a second before I hear a click.
"Sydney?"
My voice comes out as a choked sigh. "Tim."