Spring and summer combined into a wonderful day of hot weather and clear skies. In one more month or so I'll have graduated into becoming an official adult with a degree in criminal justice. Three months of crucial exams and internships have left me with enough stress and stories to tell my children whenever I decide to become a parent.
Ever since that fateful day, Taehyung and I have been inseparable. We don't go a day without seeing each other even with the hectic things happening separately in our lives. I met with his mom on multiple occasions and she took me in like her own, showing me cute little baby pictures of Taehyung and I couldn't stop squealing.
I told him about my parents and the arranged marriage that's been hanging over my head since I was a child. We agreed to do a visit during spring break and introduce him to them.
I'm nervous to say the least but more than excited to show my family proof of the unloveable black sheep being loved. I haven't a clue how they might react but I'm not going in there fully expecting them to accept this.
I've been coming up with ways of overcoming my fear of standing up for myself. Namjoon and Hobi have been coaching me on what things they might say and it's been working exponentially on my confidence.
So when we got out of the car and walked up the long porch leading to the door, I swallowed the fear that told me to hide or run. It was a long drive to get here and many times I thought about telling Tae to pull over or turn around.
My stomach sank with the feeling of having to face my family again and be in the presence of their neverending torture to ruin me. They are expecting me since I got drunk last week off of wine to grow even the slightest of balls to text my sister Nyla that we're visiting.
I emphasized the 'we' and she gave me the eyeball emoji and replied with, "This is going to be interesting." Over the phone, I talked to her briefly about what's currently going on in my life and what to expect.
She's two years older than me and is the only one I have an inkling of trust that she won't go running all over town with this information. She also told me some things that's been going on in her life—very minimal—and our family since I've been away for school.
Apparently, our parents are thinking about getting a divorce which is completely frowned upon in our family since there's business tied into marriage. It's the whole reason for arranged marriages in the first place. Hearing this made me wonder if I could slip under the radar without as much as a blink from them cause they're too busy dealing with their own problems.
Taehyung tightened his hold on my hand bringing my attention to him. I told him a lot about my family and he also told me more about his. He said that his family is just like mine when it comes to the business aspect so he kinda knows what to say and expect when meeting everyone. Even with his confidence I still feel unhinged.
Gathering my thoughts in a barrel I pressed on the doorbell and heard the fancy chime. Then walking down the corridor we could see through the crystalized door a woman with springy hair and a thin figure come walking and unlock it.
"Hello, mom," I say, trying to show disinterested and waved. My other hand was too busy being squished in Tae's to even try to remove. She cast her glance down at our entwined fingers and look back up, only to stare at Tae for what seemed like a stretched minute then back at me.
"Noelle, it's good to see you're not dead." Her voice was restrained as she opened the door wider and we walked in. Nothing's changed since the last time I step foot in here and that was two winters ago.
The family portraits are still hung perfectly on the wall as we walk down the corridor. Each one taken with straight faces and no smiles, all looking like we're forced to look normal.
The Noelle in those photos looks like a ghost even though the deep melanin of my skin growing up proved to show I had more time in the sun than others, I almost look invisible compared to everyone else. If I'm lucky I pointed me out in some photos to Taehyung like I was looking for Waldo. The family was all waiting in the drawing-room with their nice dinner outfits and poshest laughs.
It all ceased once we came and stood and my mom introduced us in. My dad was sat in a leather high back wing chair that was the deepest color of onyx that it looked like a spacey night.
All those treacherous memories resurfaced and I found myself sinking behind Taehyung. He glanced at me and immediately pinpointed my dad across the room and his jaw tightened.
The back of his neck turnt red and my hand is screaming at this point. My sister Nyla speaks first from everyone. "So good to see you, Noelle. We've missed your presence at the manor."
Her voice raises in octaves to try and convince the whole room that she really meant it. It was sweet of her and I tried smiling to make this queasiness go away.
My dad didn't say anything but just watched. His legs were crossed and he already had bourbon in his hand. My two older brothers, Nico and Nasir, got up from the seats next to their wives and greeted Taehyung which made me feel somewhat relieved. They're not tearing him apart yet thank goodness.
Me and Nyla do a quick hug which, was the first time in our history of ever knowing each other, and it immediately felt weird but shook it off with an awkward laugh. Neveah, the eldest, came and kissed both my cheeks with her son still tucked under her arms. He looks like her in every which way.
She whispers, "You've brought us home some eye candy. A better upgrade from that sad pathetic boy you called a boyfriend last time." She sneers and I titter on smiling or punching her square in her jaw but for her son's sake, I smile.
"My god!" My mom gasped and everyone turn to her. She was staring at the huge tattoo on my thigh that could be seen through the high slit of my dress. I had a garter to make it more appropriate but it was the only dress fitting for the occasion in my closet and Taehyung loves it.
By now I was the star of the show everyone looking down with wide eyes and open mouths. Taehyung sees their reaction and smiles pressing his lips together to try and hide it but it was evident. Once again nothing came from my dad's mouth as he drank to the bottom of the glass and poured another one.
"Noelle have you no shame, why on earth did you get tattoos?" My mom raised hell to the surface and I felt the little girl in me wanting to apologize and make it up to her.
But as I look around the room at everyone I realize now how they see me. As something that is below them. I guess it's true in a way since I'm the youngest but instead of sadness I feel...anger. A need for revenge and to live rebelliously.
"I got them because I wanted to. It's my body and my choice." I say with some of my confidence coming back to the surface again.
Mom looks appalled. She's quick to look at my father as he remains silent and said, "Nelson. Aren't you going to say something about our daughter?"
Dad finally takes a stand from off his throne and walks over with the bottoms of his dress shoes clicking on the wood floor. "Now why would I when Noelle has grown to be such a beautiful girl?" With a full beard, he smiles white teeth and I shiver. "She's always been a troublemaker. Gets that from your side of the family I'm afraid." He sighs and my mom clenches her jaw.
He then turns to Taehyung and extends his hand which he proudly shakes. They stare meaningfully into each other eyes for what seemed like an eternity. Both speaking an unknown language to theta at didn't resonate with the rest of us.
When they finally stop shaking one's hand my dad turns to me and gives me a hug. I gasp and try not to scream or squirm when he places his hands on the lower part of my back inching close to my hips.
I clench my eyes and mouth shut and force myself to wrap my arms around his tall figure. He smells just like how I remember him and I digest in the fact that this will be a long night.
We all go to the dining room—where food will be served by our personal Michelin chef from Italy and sit. My mom sits next to my dad who sits at the head of the table and we sit according to the eldest.
Neveah sat with her husband and kid, Nico with his expecting wife, Nyla, Nasir and his partner, then me and Taehyung, which so happens to leave him sitting at the opposite side of the head of the table. What a happy family. So far Taehyung has been a man of little words as I talked for him. It's like I'm presenting my own Ken doll for everyone to see that I'm his Barbie.
He doesn't mind it. He keeps a conversation with Nasir about sports and I overheard them talking about traveling the world as a photographer which Taehyung really started to get invested in.
Catching his soft eyes and smile as he listened I contemplated to myself what life looked like before I met him. How weird it is that just a couple of months ago we were just two strangers who met at a bar and are now in love.
So in love in fact that I've begun a new chapter with him at my side. Instead of being in the spotlight and nervous and scared I seek pleasure in the applause and know that he's holding the light to showcase me to the world. Nyla notices I've begun to stare and looks in his direction and eyes me a suspicious look then nudge me with an elbow.
"Is he the one?" She asked and my cheeks felt hot all of sudden.
I hadn't really thought of it like that. "It's hard to say right now." I shrug and give a sheepish smile.
"You know mom's gonna hate that idea you got right now." She says, eating the soft bread as we wait to be served. "I know that look Noelle and it isn't the kind where you'll drop by all of a sudden with a stranger and not have something important to say. We aren't a normal family after all."
It's true we aren't normal. Our cultures and traditions are what separate us from the rest of the world and it's what makes us both feared and loved as a family. I looked down the table to see my parents both talking amongst themselves and then looked back at Nyla.
I've always envied the way her natural hair falls down her back so effortlessly in a wide fro. Or the fact that she barely had a pimple or scar on her face for as long as I can remember.
She got the best of both mom's and dad's genes. "I don't get why everyone used to hate me growing up," I said.
Nyla folded her hands together and adjusted her posture. I'm ready for the backlash, for the bitchy comments like Neveah but was surprised to hear, "We never hated you, Noelle."
While the room talked, our conversation got quiet and reserved. My ears closed in on every word and syllable she said because I truly couldn't believe it.
"Like I said before, this family isn't normal. We were all tested by flame and ice before you even learned your alphabets. Mom and Dad all just saw us as a way to provide success to our family business and kept us connected to family friends. It's why we always snuck away any chance we could to avoid being talked over about who we were marrying in the future. And when you got old enough to be let in on this we tried protecting you.
Even though it may seem like we were standoffish with you it was only because we were being groomed into who we are now. Who knows who Nevaeh could've been if she wasn't married off to the son of the oil empire or Nico with the daughter of Coco Chanel. This was our future and in order to keep you away from it, we sent you away in the process."
I never thought about what they must've gone through being older and dealing with the crap our parents gave them. I thought I had it rough, but as I looked at Neveah bottle feeding her son I felt this immense amount of pity for her.
Even for Nico whose fists are clenched while he whispers something in his wife's ear. They all ended up becoming as miserable as mom and dad in some way.
Biting on my fingernails I continued to listen. "I mean fuck—even now there's talk and finalization about my marriage to Sweden's bachelor Hans whose family created IKEA. We're not free like you to fight and make impulsive decisions, we just have to deal with the cards we're given. And trust me it isn't like I didn't fight like a dog about this marriage but after meeting with Hans and going on a couple of dates I realize that this might actually work out. And the only reason I'm agreeing to the marriage is that I want to prove I can find a way to love him, even though I'm gay and they don't know it."
I gasped and clapped a hand over my mouth. "Why won't you tell them?" I semi-whispered and she chuckles, placing a hand over the one still on the table.
"Because I'm one of the oldest and it's my duty to our family, little one." Even with a smile, I could see the tears filling up in her eyes, the shakiness of her words.
She doesn't wanna go through with this. What she was trying to say is don't fight on her behalf, probably seeing a kindling flame being uprooted in my eyes.
Being given this new information has put things into perspective for me. Instead of thinking all my siblings hated me I realize in some twisted way it was their way of protecting me.
By avoiding me when I asked to play or braid my hair, they left me alone to do all those things by myself because when given an ounce of childhood they're reminded of what they're losing or lost.
My stomach gurgles and it isn't from me being hungry. I'm enraged. I'm livid. I'm fucking pissed. All this time I thought it was because I was unlovable when really I was loved in such a precautionary way I couldn't see it. I grab Nyla's hand and squeeze it to show my feelings and a soft smile finds its way on her face.
"You have a choice, Nyla," I said and she shakes her head. I want her to believe me, to believe it when I tell her the truth. "You shouldn't give in to what they want. Don't you see it? How much they hate each other?" I tilt my chin over to our parents as they continue their silent conversation and Nyla looks back at me with a pained expression.
"There's nothing left to be done. I'll make a great wife to Hans, and an even better mother to the children I may bear but it was my final choice to go through with it. It'll be an easy life, no stress from jobs, just taking care of the kids and tending to the house."
"Is that all your life is summed up for? Is that truly how you see your future? Being a fucking housewife to a man—someone you can't even love—no matter if they were different?" Even as I talked I could feel my passion oozing out and I tried to contain it. I guess I just never expected this.
"Leave it alone Noelle." Her words were like a belt lashing to my skin. It made me bite my tongue.
"When's this blasted food going to be done!" My dad upraised and banged on the table and my mom touched his shoulder. The conversations around the table fell silent and we all looked to the head as he frowned deeply and looked around for any signs of food coming.
We were all starving, I could see it in everyone's expression. Finally like a silent prayer, the chef came in with the prepared dishes.
Steam floated in the air like a train arriving at the station and like ravish humans our eyes glossed and our throats got parched. I could basically see Nasir and Taehyung lapping their tongues like dogs when the plates were set down in front of them.
Taehyung grabs his fork from off the table and I pop his hands like scolding a naughty child. He raises his head and I shake mine and he obliged, setting the fork back into place. But I know the smell gliding over his nose was such a tease to his stomach, I know it was for mine.
"Daddy please start prayer Xavier is getting antsy." Neveah pleaded while holding a tight grip over the fork in her son's little hands. Looking every bit like his mom he showed his gums and the two teeth that grew in at the bottom. Salvia pooled down his bib and Neveah wiped around his mouth.
Dad saw this and gruffed before lending his hands out and bowing his head. I grabbed Tae's and he smooths his thumb over the skin.
Absent-mindedly I blush and close my eyes while listening to the shorter prayer before we all dug in. This kind of food I'm well accustomed to because it's nothing but healthy food compiled onto a big plate.
Broccoli casserole, roasted Brussel sprouts, toasted garlic bread, roasted honey-nut squash, loaded baked potatoes, and sugar-free cranberry sauce all wrapped into a bundle of different smells that made my tastebuds scream. It doesn't compare to Aunt Melissa's cooking, but it does the job of filling my stomach.
Taehyung sits next to me and scarfs his food down. I didn't realize the poor man was starving since he didn't complain about anything on the drive here, but he didn't leave a crumb on his plate.
Regardless of how he ate he did it with such grace and elegance that they wouldn't be able to decipher it. Yet since I know my Tae, he's trying his earnest not to lick the plate itself while silently asking for seconds.
"You're graduation is coming up. Any firms caught your eye yet?" Dad asked without looking away as he cut a piece of his steak. His plate was the only one not healthy. He sees to it that we're the only ones having to suffer from mom's meal plans.
I shook my head and grabbed for the napkin on the table dapping away at the corners of my mouth before saying, "I haven't really been looking, to be honest. I'm still thinking in what direction I'm going for on starting my career."
His face turned sour as he sucked his teeth and looked up at me with an expression that told me he was displeased. Mom came to his side and cleared her throat before setting her fork down.
"Well, how're your friends doing? Aren't they looking at law firms, why aren't you doing the same? I'm sure Jungkook and Jimin—despite me hearing them getting piercings and tattoos are at least trying to use their parent's money wisely."
There was no kindness to her words only sharp bitter judgment. Juggling the act of trying not to show that her words did in fact hurt me and hold my tongue of anything mean to say I smile with no teeth and drank some wine. I seemingly took enough gulps to make Nasir and Nyla show concern but this couldn't hurt a fly.
"I never needed your money in the first place. I had a full-ride scholarship."
"Which you turned down!" Mom retorted and I glared at her with nostrils flaring. The truth is I turned down the scholarship because the man sitting at the head of the table wanted to pay for my silence. nibbling quietly on his side dishes. I was ready to move out and tell my mom and the whole family of the abuse I endured but he offered to pay for my college including all the books.
I couldn't turn it down knowing he would get off my back and I wouldn't have to worry about losing the scholarship over bad grades. Pressing my lips together I replied shortly with, "I know and I'm thankful for your compassion." I bow my head and my hair falls over my face.
Taehyung's jaw tightened as he sees this. His mouth was so ready to rupture with words in my defense but I gave him a look to win over all the battles I'll have to face off.
He pulls at his tie feeling it become too tight around his neck with his bottled-up emotions and sighs. They then turn to him and Dad for the first time this dinner—examines Taehyung with a skeptical eye.
"Who are you son?" He asked and Tae looks up.
He clears his throat. "Taehyung Kim sir." He replied and Dad harrumphs.
"Why are you seeing our daughter Taehyung? Clearly, you must see how incompetent this insolent little girl is with no goals set for her future." Mom gives a hand to me as a show of wasted trash left on the side of some curb.
My siblings didn't say a word but Neveah grinned at her comment. I've never realized how much alike she is to our mother. "You'll be doing yourself a huge favor if you went looking somewhere else."
"I'll have to disagree ma'am because your daughter is the most self-driven person I know. In fact, she was part of the reason why I decided to change my major last minute and do something I really enjoy doing. Noelle is extremely kind and gentle yet she could be rough like a wave or hard as a rock whenever she wants to be. And yet she still shines because diamonds don't crack under pressure."
Taehyung grabs my hand underneath the table and I give him a heartfelt smile which made my lungs function a bit more properly.
I give it a squeeze and he sends me a wink. Nyla beams and props an elbow on the counter and watches our love growing bigger in this closed space. Mom and Neveah both rolled their eyes and my brothers grinned.
However, my dad fumed with this flush tint on his face. Maybe it was from all the lights in the room or he was hot—but it looked at any second he was going to boil over.
"But did she tell you?" Neveah buts in and we look in her direction. She had placed her sleeping baby in the arms of her husband which gave her time to be catty and witty.
Her smooth red lips stretched with a smirk that was devious. Her hair bone straight down her back with minimum flyaways and makeup that looked flawless.
"Did she tell you about the arranged marriage? All of us have to do one and the only reason why young sister Noelle isn't married off to some guy in Uganda is that she somehow coerced Daddy into letting her finish school. Isn't that right Noelle?"
It was far from the truth but yet she tilts her head and makes eye contact with me as her smile got bigger. Regardless of them thinking that because I'm the youngest I can get away with anything Neveah could probably get away with murder.
She is the eldest out of all of us and submitted to the nature of things a long time before I was even a mistake to deal with. That pity I had for her earlier is long gone.
"Neveah play nice." Nico looked to our sister with a stern expression and she shrugged sheepishly.
I hate that I brought Taehyung here, in the midst of all this chaotic energy lies a man who is innocent and free of all that, and he's willing to enter it of his own free will.
His shoulders broaden and he licks his lips before saying, "It's why we're here to speak with you about changing this rule." He didn't speak to Neveah but looked to Dad who kept a quiet place in between the growing tension.
"There isn't anything to discuss. We'll allow this 'relationship' to continue until Noelle graduates but she will be married by the end of this year." Like a judge, Dad placed a nook around my neck and sentenced me to death. My throat clogged up and I couldn't breathe. I didn't even get a say in my own life yet.
"I-I refuse." I spat with fists clenching the cloth on the table.
Dad blinked like he didn't hear what I said but I stood as I spoke clearly for everyone to hear, "I'm not going to be shipped off like damn cattle waiting to be slaughtered. I won't marry anyone if it isn't this man sitting at the table." I pointed to Tae who gazes at me adoringly.
I watched as my parent's brows curved in surprise and some of my sibling's eyes widened. I've kept quiet for far too long and it was killing me. Trying to be the old Noelle and lay on my back and take it was...killing me.
Suddenly a bang on the table shakes the plates and fine china as his fist landed. His plump lips were pressed together and he was snarling. I've never seen him this angry before but I got a kick at the reason being me.
"Who the hell do you think you're talking to? You will obey me, Noelle."
"I don't have to do shit other than wipe my ass when I take one." I retorted and Mom gasped, a vein bulging out her forehead.
"How dare you speak in that manner of tone to your father? Have you lost your mind?!"
"Yes," I said quietly and tilt my head. "For years of being in this house and being told what to do and what not to do. Being told a story of a future you expected me to live and the outcome of me doing so. Of being raised by nannies and butlers because you guys were too damn busy to even notice your own forgotten daughter's birthday!" Tears built up and I tried swallowing them down.
I looked at my dad with curled lips that itched to tell the truth—the pain of carrying this burden is finally weighing its toll on me. He's rapidly blinking at me trying to figure out what to do.
He hasn't had anyone have the ounce of courage to speak back to him—not even his own family. In this house, the one rule to always remember was what he says goes, and I just broke it.
My dad's eyes finally connected to Taehyung who stood up from his chair in the heat of it all and his eyes grew dark. His jaw clenches and the rigid cords on his neck look like they're about to pop. "You're the cause of this—the reason behind this whole mess." He stabs a finger at Taehyung.
Taehyung gives him a blank stare and he grimaces when he says, "I don't control Noelle, she is her own person but what she's saying is absolutely right. You guys treated her like shit and expect her to now follow some fucked up tradition where everyone's miserable but the money is profitable. No one in this family did a damn thing when that man—" I silenced him.
I could see my father's skin complexion go completely blanch. He looks at me with shaky eyes and I covered my emotions with nothing to conceal them. As much as I want to expose the truth it just doesn't seem right. He must've come to the conclusion on his own and some color found its way back onto his face.
"Wait—what did he do?" Nyla interrupts and it's the first time we realize that there are other people in this room. All my siblings and their spouses were still in their chairs watching the spectacle unfold in front of them.
On the verge of tears, I open my mouth but closed it. I can't do it. So I grabbed my purse from the back of my chair and grabbed for Tae too. "We're leaving," I stated before turning my back and walking for the front door.
Obviously, I wanted to say so much more but it'll have to wait for another time. Taehyung on the other hand was like dragging a child from the toy section of the store. I tugged on his wrist but no matter how much force he wasn't budging.
"What a fucking child, throwing temper tantrums cause she doesn't get her way." Neveah hissed under her breath but I caught wind of it. All of it, all the trauma, all the lies and bitterness, all the kept anger I had in my jar burst into tiny shards of glass that made my heart as cold as being dead.
I turned on my heel and said, "You wanna know what this man did to me so bad huh?" I pointed towards Dad. I cried hot angry tears as my vision grew cloudy. "Don't you wanna tell them, Daddy? Or should I?"
Everyone looked around at each other in bewilderment. Even my mom dropped her arms and looked to her husband but he stood frozen with nothing to say. I scoffed and laughed. Roared back a laugh that probably made them think I was having an episode.
"This man...raped me." I'm so drunk off my anger I started swaying. "He raped me continuously for years and I didn't say a word. You know why? Because to everyone in this fucking house, I never existed!"
My mom's eyes glossed and she pressed a hand over her mouth. "Stop lying!" My sister shouted. "You're lying!"
I shook my head and sniffed back some of the tears but my head felt so heavy with the burden. Taehyung reeled me into his arms and I leaned into him for support. "I was eleven." And each time I started a sentence my mom screamed the word 'no' continuously.
"The first time was when it snowed and I wanted to play but nobody wanted to play with me." I looked to Nyla and she swallowed gravely.
"I said I'd do anything because I was just that desperate for attention that when it happened I didn't know who to run to. But don't you remember Daddy? Don't tell your mother, is what you said right? Do you forgive me even though I slipped up? Or would you buy me off with money as you did with my tuition so I wouldn't tell everyone before I left?"
"Stop it Noelle you stop it right now!" My mom screamed to the top of her lungs red in the face. She was sobbing as she silently pleaded with me to stop but I was far from over.
Nico and Nasir's brows furrowed together and their jaws clenched. Neveah didn't say a word and Nyla cried in her hands and shook her head wondering how she missed the signs. But I am the sign. I'm the sign of a bad upbringing yet I prevailed and turned out to be okay.
"I don't care if you don't believe me...but he did it—until I finally ran away and you people wonder why I hate coming here," I said softly and my legs felt wobbly. Taehyung held onto me without faltering.
"Father, did you do it?" Nico was first on his feet then Nasir and Nyla. Neveah stayed frozen with an unfocused gaze somewhere in between here and now.
"Did you r-rape her dad? Is what she claiming true?" Nyla asked not liking the taste of how bitter that word was on the mouth.
Dad looked at me then back at his kids than to me again. There was no fighting out of this one and provoking and threatening wouldn't work either.
He swallowed the lump in his throat and in the dimly lightened of the room his fine grey hairs and worried expression made him look far older than what he was. His frown was deep and he kept blinking with no succession of trying to wrap a pretty lie and a bow over this one.
"I-I..."
"Nelson, how could you?!" Mom croaked. Surprisingly she was taking this harder than I expected. She cried and blew her nose on the tissue with a raw nose and eyes.
I also found it hard to believe the man that many rich people fear was without a single word but his guilty actions gave everything away and the room grew bigger in an instant.
My brothers and sister were on him like white on rice yelling down his throat as my mom wailed. Neveah grabbed her son who started to cry from the loud noises cuddling him and Dad submerged under all the voices.
I grabbed Taehyung's hand and brings it up to his lips. "Are you okay?" He then cupped my cheeks into his hands and looked me over. I felt more than okay.
That burden was no longer over me and in a way, I could feel the boulders that were stacked against my chest being lifted with each steady breath I took.
We shared a moment in this point of chaos, a kiss so dangerously over the borderline I smiled with all teeth once we parted. Taehyung kissed my nose then forehead and we turned to walk away.
To walk away from this part of my life. To walk away from the burning match I set fire and we let it burn in the wind as a final goodbye to the old things.
I never, in my life, felt so calm and yet on fire. All at the same time knowing deep in my bones that he is who I've been waiting for, all my life.
L&C💕
This was a long one but a needed one. It feels like I've been writing this book to get to things and this was the final one. Long overdue and defiantly needed for things to roll easier. I hope you liked it. ;)