Maeve
Crossing the line in P9 was better than I had originally hoped, but still not the thing I needed this week. Parking in the pitlane and seeing Daniel parked in front of the '1' sign to signify that he had won was a welcome site though. I couldn't stop myself as I jumped out of my car and sprinted towards the front of the line of cars to where Daniel was hugging the team after his win. He turned around just in time to see me jumping towards him. I wrapped my arms around his neck the best I could with both of us still in our helmets and my legs around his waist.
"You did it! Mr.Monaco, winner of the 2018 Monaco GP!" I yelled to make sure he could hear it through the two helmets.
"That's right, baby-bee! We did it!" We both screamed together before he let me down and we both went our separate ways.
It felt like being on cloud nine as I waited under the podium with the team. Normally, a win is a win is a win, but Daniel winning Monaco specifically was a big deal. He had earned this before and had it ripped from his grasp. To finally get it was an outstanding accomplishment I wanted to be a part of. Angela gave me permission to temporarily forgo press for this moment and I was more than happy when the sticky alcohol sprayed all over my hair. Daniel leaned over the railing and made sure that some hit the entire team with Andy, who accepted the constructors trophy on behalf of Red Bull.
Then the moment was gone for me as I had to go and do press. A lot of questions were geared towards if they thought I could improve my reaction times to prevent shunting into a wall again. Like everyone thought I was incapable of driving, like I was just here for show. Angela saw me getting a little irritated at the questions and was nice enough to pull me from interviewers that were asking those kinds of questions aggressively.
Daniel took a much longer time than normal to do his press rounds since he won the race. Everyone understood, but no one dared to speak to me as we sat in the room waiting. They could tell I was upset, but they all had to assume the race. No one knew about my past or my struggles with mental health and the team had been plenty ignorant, at least it seemed, to the comments That had steadily increased in frequency about me as a woman in F1. It was a perfect storm to decimate the careful wall I had put up over the years. Instead of trying to ignore it, I did the one thing I knew I could always count on when it came to protecting myself, I blanked. I let my emotions be erased with my mind and body to portray a look of disinterest. I hadn't done this in five years. It probably just looked like the world's worst resting bitch face to everyone at this table based on how they were avoiding me.
Until Christian, Michael, Charlotte, and Daniel entered the room, I had been staring at the table. There were no thoughts going through my head as I slowly looked up to them when they entered the room. It was evident just how abysmal I looked by the way everyone's faces dropped from the smiles of the win to a mix of shock and concern as they stared back at me. In an effort to avoid it and then, I simply stared straight ahead at the monitor with the race info on it as they sat down.
Daniel sat across from me, with his team, and I could see his head peeking around the monitors as I stared straight ahead. With my best effort, I looked at him, meeting his eyes filled with concern. We could have a silent conversation like this usually, it was our way of communicating. But staring into his eyes now, his concern continued to grow as I had no answers for the silent questions he was asking. So I turned back to the screen as Christian was talking about the race.
He went on for an hour about all the positives and the negatives, the positives a much longer list than the negatives. I had no input, I wasn't asked for any either as that wasn't my job this week. Staring still at the screen, straight back and no expression, I waited patiently for the meeting to be over before calmly going to my room with Pyrita and Angela. They were giving me some info about the race and how I did in media, but I didn't reply. Instead, I simply walked into the room and picked up my clothes to shower and change. It was all a blur from there.
Daniel
"What the fuck was that?" Michael whispered to me as we followed Maeve and her team quietly up the stairs to our rooms to change.
She was clearly off, anyone could see that. When looking into her eyes though, instead of the normal light and the joking demeanor that she usually has when I try to have a silent conversation with her, I saw nothing. It was like she was looking through me instead of at me, her eyes were glassy and her face was devoid of any emotion. She didn't say a word during the entire debrief and when she was done, she stood and silently left the room. I had never seen her like this before.
"I don't know. She said something happened last night, but she wasn't like this after the race..." I answered Michael's silent question.
"No kidding. You should go talk to her." I shook my head.
"I think she needs a minute. She's coming over later and I'll talk to her then."
Michael and Charlotte didn't respond to that as we made it back to my room. Charlotte left to get some work done in the press room while I grabbed my stuff to head to the energy station. I would shower and change at home, but I was expected to show face with the team at the station.
They were more than happy to see me, greeting me with resounding cheers as I made my way to the pool. A ceremonial dip and some schmoozing later and I was back at my place, showered, changed, and definitely already on my way to being hammered. With the two events I was expected to be at, I wanted to let Maeve know I'd be by in about an hour.
Daniel R.
Hey. I'm just gonna hit these two parties, shake some hands, and then I'll be by. Do you want red or beer tonight? 😊
It was a simple text, one I had sent her specifically a million times. Only she didn't respond. She always got back to me when she wasn't actively doing something. I wanted to chalk it up to her being on a run or something to cool down. When 9 PM rolled around and I hadn't heard from her, I started to get concerned. I needed to find her and that started with me letting Michael know that I was leaving.
That only made me more concerned when I saw him in a very stressful looking conversation with Angela and Pyrita on the balcony or the club we were at.
"Hey," I walked up, clapping Michael on the shoulder, "I'm gonna head out and go see D. You gonna be ok tonight?" Michael went to say something but stopped to look at Angela.
"You have to tell him." Michael responded, but it was directed to Angela.
"Tell me what?" I asked, confused as to what was going on.
"I actually came here to ask Michael if he had seen Maeve," Angela sighed," she was actually offered her first official sponsorship and Christian wanted me to give her the good news. When I went to knock on her door though, it was open and she wasn't in there. Since you live here, we shared a suite this week. I didn't hear her leave or anything and she's not answering any of my calls or texts. I thought maybe she actually came out to celebrate with you, but Michael said you haven't seen her since after debrief..."
I furrowed my eyebrows, staring at her. Maeve didn't just go missing. She never went this long on radio silence. Concerned was barely able to describe how I felt. They didn't need to know that though. Whatever was going on with her, no one needed to be worried or involved. So I covered the best I could.
"She's asleep at mine then. She knows where the spare key is and she said she wasn't up for celebrating after not getting a ton of sleep last night. I can have her call you when I get there and wake her up if you want?" I gave Angela a reassuring smile and she let out a noise of relief.
"Yes. Please do. She will be so happy to hear the news. I know she wasn't thrilled with the results, but she still has her first sponsorship. That's a big deal." I gave her a nod.
"Yes. It is. She might call you in the morning though if she's tired enough not to wake up when someone calls. I'll shoot you a text when I see her though."
I gave Michael another pat on the back and said my goodbyes to the two women in front of me before making my way out the front door. There were photographers and some fans that I stopped for before the car came around to get me. It was harder than I'd like to admit to looking at my phone with how intoxicated I was, but I had to check her location. She wasn't anywhere near my place. In fact she was just outside of Monaco on the Italian side, according to find my friends.
I asked the driver to turn around and take me to the beach she was currently at. I also told him he could go once he dropped me off on the side of the road. Finding her was more difficult than I thought. It was dark, my only help was the clear sky shining moon light down around us. I tried on my own to look around for her before calling her phone, hoping that she would pick up.
I called her probably 20 times as I walked aimlessly down the beach, searching for any sign that she was here. Worry free in my chest the longer it went on. I started to think the worst, until I saw a figure seated on the large rock that jutted out into the ocean. The wind was whipping their long hair around as I got closer and I realized that it was her.
"Maeve?" I called out as I climbed up the rock. She didn't answer though, still staring out at the water.
I said her name again and she didn't move as I stood next to her. Her face held that same blank stare and she wasn't responding to anything I did. Again, this was nothing I had ever seen from her. It was like her mind had shut down and her body was on autopilot. Her phone dinged next to her and where I was standing and she didn't even acknowledge it.
"Maeve, are you ok?" I tried again and received no response.
She was really worrying me, but I didn't know what to do. Should I call Angela or Pyrita? Maybe Michael could help? I sat down next to her as slow as I possibly could, worried that she would snap out of it and be afraid that I was so close to her. She didn't have any response to me sitting down though. I wasn't even sure if she could sense I was there with how zoned out she was.
"Maeve," I hesitated before reaching my hand out to place over hers on her knee," what's going on?" She jumped slightly when my hand made contact with hers, blinking a few times before she looked at me.
That same glass and unfocused look was still on her face. I wasn't sure what was going through her head, but I could see the change that happened once she looked at me. Her eyes refocused and her mouth parted slightly, it was like she suddenly came to them.
"Maeve?" She just blinked before giving me a short nod.
"Are you ok?" I followed up with. This time, she shook her head that it was a no and I bit my lip.
"Can you-do you want to talk about it?"
She looked back out at the water, the same blank expression coming to her face as she stared at the cascading waves of the Mediterranean Sea. I was worried I lost her again when she just shook her head no. There was no response I could come up with then. All I could do was sit with her. No part of me knew where to begin to figure out what was going on. And while I was thinking of what to do, she turned her hand over and laced our fingers together. I stared at our conjoined hands for a moment before looking back at her face.
"I don't know what's going on with you and we've been able to decipher every bad day each other has had for years. You know I'm here for you if you need someone right?"
Again she just nodded and I happily sat there with her for another hour before the wind started to really get me. I can't imagine it was comfortable for her either. Considering she was always cold as is and only had on jeans and a T-shirt.
"Maeve, it's a little cold out. Are you ok with going back to mine?" I proposed quietly.
Luckily, she gave me a nod and started to stand. I scrambled and stood to help her as well. After we climbed down from the large rock, I realized the walk back to my place could easily take an hour. Cars weren't hard to come by this time of night, especially with all of F1 in town, but I didn't want to risk her being seen like this by anyone.
"It's gonna be a bit of a walk. Are you ok to do that?" She nodded again, but as we started walking, her hand shot out and grabbed mine, making me stop.
"You good?" She nodded, intertwining our fingers before nodding down the path into Monaco.
We did the entire walk hand in hand, with her seeming to get closer and closer to me as we walked until I had no choice but to wrap my arm around her shoulders when our hands started bumping into our bodies. She didn't let go of my hand though, simply holding it at her left shoulder as we walked the last twenty minutes to my flat. Things took an even weirder turn when we made it into my flat. Because instead of being zoned out and not knowing where to go, she simply took off her shoes and walked into my room, still holding my hand.
"Do you want to go to sleep?" I asked her, afraid she was going to break down any moment.
Yet, her only communication was a nod. She sat down on my bed, still holding my hand as I stood in front of her. She stared up at me before looking at the bed. I realized it was a silent question, her asking if I would lay with her. Given that it was nearly 1 AM at this point, I probably should go to bed. I wouldn't be able to sleep after seeing her like this though.
"Let me make a call and then I'll be back. Angela was worried about you. I'm just gonna let her know that you're with me and have been for the last few hours. Is that ok?" She nodded again, but didn't let go of my hand.
"I promise it'll only take a few minutes. I'm gonna let Michael know that I'm not feeling good and I'm gonna push my flight back tomorrow too. I'll make it quick." She blinked a few times before finally loosening her grip on my hand. I pulled mine away, her fingers trailing along mine as she didn't want to let go.
"Five minutes." I leaned down and gave her a short kiss on her forehead before leaving my room.
I called Michael first, just to let him know that I had her and I needed some time tomorrow. He asked if it was about Maeve, but I lied and said that I was just tired and wanted a rest day. No one needed to know what was going on with her right now. Not when I didn't even know what was going on with her.
I texted Angela next. Letting her know that I had Maeve and she was spending the night with me. I asked her to pack up all of Maeve's belongings and send them to my flat as well. The only excuse I could give was that Maeve and I had been drinking and I didn't know when we would be awake. Hoping that was a sufficient excuse, I went back into my room and saw that Maeve hadn't moved.
She at least acknowledged me when I walked into the room. Her eyes meant mine and they still seemed dull and lost, but it was a reaction that I welcomed as something at this point.
"I'm done." I sat down next to her and she immediately grabbed my hand.
"Are you ok to lay down?" She nodded, but instead of going to her side of the bed, she waited for me to lay down and then looked at me expectantly.
"Can you hold me?" Her voice startled me. It was gravelly and weak as if she hadn't spoken in a year. She likely hasn't had any water today given her state either.
I opened my arms for her as I leaned up against the headboard in my room. She immediately crawled into my lap, gripping my shirt tightly as she settled her head into the crook of my neck. She reached out again, grabbing my left hand in her right and holding it against my chest as I had my arms wrapped around her petite frame.
We stayed like that until long after the sun rose again. My eyes never closed to sleep and I wasn't sure if hers did either, but when my phone started ringing in the kitchen sometime after the sun came up I knew I had to grab it, but I didn't want to move in case she was asleep.
"Your phone is ringing..." her words made me jump slightly, surprised she was awake.
"Are you ok with me going to grab it? I didn't want to wake you up..."
"It's probably important." Was her reply.
"Yeah, but you're more important than any call right now. Are you feeling better?" She didn't say anything at first and I thought I lost her again to whatever happened last night.
"No, but I'll be ok...." She trailed off, wanting to say something else but abandoning it.
"Do you want to talk about it?" She moved back, making it so I could finally look down at her again. Her face was centimeters from mine and I was so happy to see life in her eyes again.
"Not yet," she bit her lip before continuing," thank you for last night."
She leaned forward and my breath hitched in my throat thinking something was going to happen that I had only dreamed of. Instead, her lips hit my cheek and a chaste kiss before pulling back.
"Go call back whoever called you." She gave me a smile before letting go of my hand and sliding off my lap.
"Yes," I cleared my throat," I'll be right back." She nodded as she just laid back down in the center of my bed.
I stood up and stared at her for a second. She was staring at me with her hair spread out around her and her shirt had ridden up ever so slightly. She still looked broken. There was just something in the way she looked at me that told me she needed me more than anything else right now. She needed someone on her side. She needed someone with her. That's why she thanked me. Because I went and found her.
If I went and picked up my phone it would be Blake telling me the plane was ready and to get down here soon. I was going to LA before and after Canada. I would have to leave her. Unless she came with me.
"Do you want to come to LA?"