It's one of those nights when I badly want to relax I body, close I eyes and succumb to deep sleep. The problem is when I can't sleep even after all the tossing around to get a comfortable position in my very own safe haven which is the bed.
That is currently me in this situation.
Lying down on the soft matress. Eyes solely staring at the ceiling. Pillows thrown on the floor as they are in no use. And hands tightly gripping the crinkled sheets.
I'm tired.
I rub my face in exhaustion before letting out a deep sigh. This has been happening for many nights. I don't think I can remember the last time I had proper sleep.
You vividly remember the last time you had a good sleep, the best sleep I should say. You just chose to not acknowledge that fact anymore.
Pushing aside of what my mind just told me, I groggily got up and look around my room seeing the darkness. I grabbed my phone, halted the movement of my thumb to gaze at my lockscreen wallpaper with a sad smile curved on my lips.
01:16 AM
It's late and I badly want to go back to sleep, but it's just so hard when I have lots of running thoughts in my mind. It's like my brain doesn't want to relax and breathe once in awhile. It'll always go back thinking to that one person who meant everything to me. The one who helped me on my sleepless nights. The one who I truly loved.
Loved. Quit lying to yourself. You never stopped loving her.
That is the truth. I never did stop loving her despite all of what happened. Hurting her through my words and actions. I knew the feeling of what the consequences would be but I never knew this feeling would be that heavy lingering in my chest.
Tears started to form in my eyes and I blinked fast before they could even fall down on my cheeks. I close my eyes to get a grip on myself and decide to do what I was supposed to do years ago. Pressing the call button with her contact name shining on my screen, I then gulped before proceeding to call her name after the third ring.
"Rosie..."
"Jennie"
It's not the same anymore.
Truly, her voice wasn't the usual tone she used everytime I called her back then. I did this. I did this to her. My sweet Rosie.
The moment I said the nickname that only I was allowed to call her ever since, I swore I heard her breath hitched and quiet sobs coming out. But they were all gone too soon when I heard her monotonous tone.
"What do you want, Jen?"
Guilt waved throughout my chest hearing those words coming out from her mouth, but I'm not going to bush around and make up excuses. She deserves the truth. She deserves better.
"I just want to know how you are."
"What do you think, Jen?"
The way her words cracked brought a stab to my heart as I can feel every ounce of emotional pain I inflicted to her. I know how it's too late to ask for forgiveness but I want to fix this and stop hurting her more from my mistakes. I want to rebuild the lost connection we both have after months of the break up.
And if she doesn't want to?
Then I'll do what I should've done a long time ago before making the both of us a mess.
"I know I always kept on apologizing to you. Making up excuses for the mistakes I've done to you. I'm really sorry, Rosie. I just want to apologize for the last time before we move forward with our lives. I just....."
I took a pause, feeling tears prickling in my eyes making my vision a little blurry. I cleared my throat before continuing.
"I want to make sure you're okay. That we're okay."
"We're okay, Jennie."
Hearing her response didn't make the pain go away. It simply made things worse because I was expecting her to scream at me. I expected her to curse at me, to call me out for not treating her the way she deserves to be treated, but here she is, keeping all her emotions deep within her just like throughout our whole relationship.
You're both a mess.
"You deserve better, Chae."
I couldn't hold any longer and told her straight the truth and the bittersweet tone at the end of my question was evident.
"Jen-"
"All throughout our relationship, it's always been you who made effort in making this work. I only contributed a little. I neglected you as I became busier with my work and please don't cut me off and tell me it's fine because it's not. I should've never neglected you in the first place. We barely talked since then and more arguments came along the way. Until both of us grew tired of fighting. It wouldn't have turned out this way if I had tried harder to communicate with you and put in more effort."
She went silent all throughout my speech. I stood up and moved closer to the balcony to get some fresh air because the room was smothering me.
"I'm sorry if I realized everything too late. I'm sorry it took me months to say all this. I'm sorry for being a pathetic person. I'm sorry you loved someone like me."
I continued staring at the busy streets of the city while I wait for her to process everything I said. Few minutes later, I heard her soothing voice.
"I already forgave you a long time ago and you're right, it's not fine. I also should've pushed myself harder to talk to you, have a deep conversation instead of snapping at you. Please forgive me as well."
A tear fell down my cheek as I gripped the phone tighter.
I love you.
"I forgive you. Always. I guess this is it, huh?"
I let out a sad chuckle that made her do the same too. I heard her sniffle, probably wiping away her tears.
"I guess so. Will you be there tomorrow before I'll be dropped off at the airport?"
I stiffened before looking up at the moon shining down at the busy city. My lips curved into a sad smile as tears started to form again in my eyes.
"If I do, I'd stop you from leaving and I don't want that to happen. You deserve to be happy."
Even if I'm not the reason of your happiness anymore.
She didn't say anything, but I got the sense she wanted me to there and stop her. I wouldn't stop her even if she asked me to. I don't want her to go through the same scenario again, knowing that I'll only keep breaking my promises.
"Have a safe trip on your way home, Rosie. Do what makes you happy.
I'm letting you go now, my love.
"Jennie......"
"It'll be okay, Rosie. Let's heal first and meet each other with the best version of ourselves when the time comes."
I may not be able to see her, but I can tell she has a small smile on her face. Despite not being around her presence, I'm delighted I was able to make her smile even though I knew it would be the last time.
"I'll always love you, Jen. I love you dearly. Till we meet again, my love."
Curled up in my bed, sobbing uncontrollably, holding my chest and occasionally hitting it so hard that my knuckles turned white. I'll never forget the night she looked at me with such pain in her eyes. I recall her standing in front of the front door with all her belongings packed up, hearing her crying, and then twisting the doorknob until the entire house fell silent. I recall everything, but what exactly did I do?
Nothing.
I just stood there watching her walk away and then waking up the next day as if nothing had occurred. It was as if it were an ordinary day at work.
It took me hours to realize that I shouldn't call her name right after I got home.
It took me weeks to realize that she's not anymore the person who would sing a lullaby to me and bring me into her arms before ending the night with a kiss.
It took me months to finally realize that she's not coming back to me whether she loved me or not. She's not here to greet me her morning kisses. She's not here to let me witness her crescent smile. She's not here to let me hear her playing the guitar I gave for her birthday. She's not here to tell me the three words. She's not here and I have to get used to not be missing her every now and then.
After realizing everything, that was when I felt a tear on my hand while I was on my couch, staring into nothing. After months, I finally cried and let my tears flow freely.
The first time I let all my emotions take over me after she left.
More sobs came out and I was having a hard time stopping them. Hearing her confess that she still loves made my heart flutter and at the same time, shatter into pieces.
"I love you. I will always love you, Rosie."
That was the last thing I uttered as a wave of exhaustion washed over me, lulling me to sleep as my hand clutched the necklace, my only reminder of her.