"Wanting your love to come into me
Feeling it slow, over this dream
Touch me with a kiss, touch me with a kiss."
-
I never really knew who I was. I never had the chance to discover myself.
When I was younger, I was always looking for something more — something to satisfy whatever flame that burned within me. It was like chasing shadows.
I knew, deep down, freedom was a figment of the imagination. However, that didn't stop my younger, more selfish self from chasing the unattainable — the unachievable. After mom died, though, I stopped hunting for the feeling of freedom I craved. I had more important things I needed to take care of.
I'm not mad about it. I've accepted my life for what it is, and it's not all bad. I found a purpose; I found a reason to stay. Yes, my life was flipped upside down when mom died, and though she never loved me, she did leave me something incredible.
My sister.
I vowed to protect Maggie, to protect her innocents, and to hopefully give her the freedom I was never bound to have. My step-father damned me, scarred me, ruined me, but his brutal reign ended with me. I won't allow him to ruin another little girl.
Out of the messy story of my life, there was only one thing I was sure of. I wanted to be different; I wanted to be better than the life I was thrown into as a child. I want to be good, not bad. I want to heal, not break. I want to smile, not cry. I want many things, and the first step is embracing change to attain those things.
Change is usually terrifying, however. It marks new chapters to life, and each page is filled with uncertainty. But, if I want to give Maggie a life of freedom and love, there has to be a sacrifice on my part. So, I'll change myself as many times as I need to keep her safe and whole.
Nevertheless, I never knew changing my hair would impact me so significantly. I feel different. I feel lighter. For the first time in years, I can finally look in the mirror, and I don't hate my reflection nearly as much as I did yesterday or the day before.
I feel like this is me taking some of my power back. Changing my hair gave me a sense of control and even conviction. When was the last time I held my head high?
My blonde hair was every hue from the white-spun sun with strands of golden brown hues, all married into short flowing locks and fringed bangs. My skin is smooth and even; my cheeks are defined – bronzed and grazed over with shades of cherry red. My lips are full and painted in a lustrous nude. My eyelids are dusted in soft hues of pink and gold with black winged liner, complementing the blue shades of my eyes.
"You look amazing," I see Candy's reflection as she stands behind me with a wide smile. "Wow, Allie."
"T-Thank you." I turn around in my chair and smile up at her. It's impossible to hide my bashfulness.
But the compliments don't stop there. When Des walks in, she stops dead in her tracks. "Allie, babe!" I smile nervously, giddiness twirling in my gut and chest. "Fuck, you look so pretty. I love the hair!" She flashes me a friendly, almost flirty smile when she sets her duffle bag down and starts getting ready.
"Thank you, Des!"
Jasmine is pinning her hair up when she grins at me as well. "You're going to be getting hella tips tonight, Als."
I would never have thought dying my hair would result in attention like this. "I just dyed my hair," I mumble and pick at my nails. "nothing else has changed."
"Oh, no, that's not the only thing, honey," Candy tuts, looking taken aback by my statement. "Your hair looks great, but you're just-"
"Glowing," Jasmine pitches in. "You're glowing tonight, Allie."
"Oh," I cringe because I realize I must sound so dumb right now. I wish I knew how to take a compliment without twitching and growing nervous and shy. "I didn't realize."
"Confidence is everything, Allie," Candy leans down and kisses me on the cheek before she starts changing into her skimpy outfit for the night. "Seriously, you could wear a trash bag, and if you hold your head high, you'd still look sexy."
I blow a raspberry. " I doubt that."
"What Candy means is that you're beautiful always, Allie," Des pitches in with a pointed look.
"Do you know what you're wearing tonight?" Candy questions as she flips through the clothes rack.
"I have no idea. I haven't decided yet."
"Oh, can you wear a dress tonight?" Jasmine perks up. "I got a dress that I think would look great on you!" Jasmine jumps up from her makeup station and brushes past Jade, who's currently curling her hair. Jasmine scurries her way to her duffle bag, and after a few moments of digging around, she presents the dress to me with a broad smile, holding it up by its rhinestone straps.
It's a thin piece of fabric with a shiny front. The cloth is a duchess satin, and just by looking at it, I can tell just how soft the material is. It's a ballerina pink, soft and sensual. It's flowy and wavy – a beautiful drape with buttons going down the right side, stopping right before the leg slit that begins at the upper thigh.
It's beyond beautiful but never something I could wear or pull off. Everyone would be able to see my scars with the open back of the dress, but I can't lie. A part of me wants to put on the dress to feel the velvety material caressing my body. "I-"
"You should wear it, Allie." Candy insists. "And don't worry. I'll help you get ready."
Relief flows through my body. Candy has already seen my scars, and she never asked questions. I appreciate that more than she probably realizes. "Y-You think it'll look good on me?"
"It'll look great on you," Des says, beaming.
It's nice having my co-workers hyping me up and supporting me. It makes me genuinely smile and feel a bit more important — a bit more seen and heard.
I don't miss the way Jade rolls her eyes. It throws me off a bit, considering everyone else is busy smiling, cracking jokes, and being happy with me. Jade, however, is the only one who doesn't smile. She's the only one who remains quiet and distant. She's standoffish and unapproachable right now, and I can't help but feel like I'm to blame for her sour mood.
I busied myself by playing with the ends of my hair, waiting anxiously for everyone to leave, and when they do, Candy walks up to me and hands me the pink dress.
"Why don't you try it on?"
I nod and grab the satiny fabric. "Y-Yeah. Sure." I peel off my baggy clothes and slip the dress on easily. It hugs my waist and breast, and it makes my stress spike in the slightest. I don't wear clothes like this often. Baggy clothes were comforting and warm to me, but this outfit is different; it is out of my usual comfort zone, and I don't really know how I feel about it yet.
"Stop overthinking it," Candy demands. "Sit down, yeah?"
I sit down in one of the chairs before a makeup vanity as she asks. "I-If it makes you feel better, I can cover your scars on your back with makeup, so no one sees them."
I look at her reflection in the mirror, lips parting at her words. "...really?"
"Yeah, if that's what you want. If it'll make you feel better."
Slowly, I nod. "Yeah. I'd like that."
And when she covers my scars with some makeup, I feel a bit more secure in my body. I feel a bit more assured, and for a few hours at least, I can pretend I don't have a damaged body. I can pretend I'm normal.
"You look beautiful, Allie," Candy reminds me and smiles with gentle eyes. "I'm proud of you."
"Thank you," I copy her delicate grin.
"If at any time you get uncomfortable, you know you can come back here and change, right?"
"I know," I nod my head. "But, I'm gonna try tonight."
"There's nothing about your body that you should be ashamed of," she says with an assuring nod. "You're beautiful, Allie. Scars and all."
I did not spend an hour doing my makeup to start crying.
My lips start wobbling a bit. No one has ever said something like that to me. No one has ever disagreed with my insecurities and truly meant it. Candy's words aren't lies driven by pity. Her eyes and earnest, and she means every word she says.
It means everything to me.
Jade and Des suddenly walk back into the backroom where Candy and I had just finished getting ready. Jade barely spares us a look when she announces, "Des and I are going to take a quick smoke break."
Candy's eyes furrow. "Your shift just started, though."
"Yeah, well, it's already hectic out there, and I'm stressed," Jade dismisses Candy and digs around in her locker before she pulls out her box of cigarettes and hands one to Des, who is currently gawking at me.
Mindlessly, Des takes the cigarette from Jade. "Holy shit, Allie." Her eyes trace my figure with teasing, playful eyes. "Do you want to get drinks after work?"
Candy's eyes roll skywards. "Stop flirting, Des."
I raise my brows, amused with the flirty jokes. Des mimics my expression. Then, I shrug a smile, and again, she mimics me. "How am I not supposed to flirt with her? She's adorable, and she's hot!" She exclaims, glancing at me with wide doe eyes.
I can't help but bend over and laugh at her fanciful, teasing antics that are somehow so wholesome and endearing.
I feel good. I don't feel great, but I feel good. All of my problems haven't just disappeared, but I'm trying to enjoy myself. I try to live in the moment instead of suffocating and drowning in my anxiety.
Suddenly, it feels like a weight is lifted off my chest, and something once lost within me clicks back into place.
Change has never felt so good.
"You look wonderful," Des says on a more serious note. "That dress is perfect on you."
"Thanks, Des," I say yet again, smiling ear to ear as more confidence sinks into me. "You look great tonight, too."
She grins and holds her head high with royal hauteur. "Thanks, babe." She turns to Jade and asks an innocent question. "Doesn't Allie looks pretty tonight, Jade?"
Oh, jeez.
An unlit cigarette dangles from Jade's lips when she looks at me. There are no traces of amusement on her face. Her expression is pinched, and her full lips press in a thin line. Her jaw ticks as she clenches her teeth. Then, her eyes trace my body up and down before settling on my face. Jade shrugs before looking away. "She looks okay."
Ouch.
The room is silent for but a moment because Candy clips her hands and ushers me forward. "Okayyyy, why don't we go start our shift, Allie?"
"Yeah," I nod, following her along. "We should do that."
-
A/N
Get ready for the following few chapters, guys 😩 *wink, wink*
Also, if you need a visual, this is what Allie's dress looks like. Simple but cute *chefs kiss*