- - -
GR. 8
YUMI'S POV:
I was sitting by a tree looking at the little critters crawling around it. Their carefreeness despite having a big scary human near them inspired me.
Maybe one day I could stand up to Heeyoung. If these little critters aren't scared of me, I shouldn't be scared of her.
I usually sat here for recess. I mean, it's not like I have anyone to hang out with, so what else can I do? I like watching the little carefree bugs. I tell myself the same thing almost everyday, but I've still never stood up to Heeyoung. Sure, since I've got more meat on me I might be able to beat her in a fight, but she's got a hold over me. Her mean words scare me and I always become speechless in her presence. I wish so bad that I could beat her one day. Maybe she'll call me fatty and I'll insult her back. I don't know... I've always had wild fantasies that never panned out.
I sighed and returned my focus back on the bugs and away from my thoughts. These days it seems like my thoughts are all I have, considering I have no friends, no pets and my parents are never around.
I watched the little bug inch itself closer and closer to the tree until I saw it get crushed by a foot. I looked up and to no one's surprise it was Heeyoung and her friends.
"Oh no! Did I kill your only friend?" she said and laughed.
I'm so tired of her bullying.
"Here, you can take your friend back," she said and started to take off her shoe.
Before I knew it, she slipped it off and flung it at my face.
I dodged and looked at her annoyed.
"Oh wow, fatty moved! Now give me my shoe back before your broke ass steals it. Gucci shouldn't be worn by losers like you," she said and held out her hand, waiting for me to give her her shoe back.
This is the day! This is the day I stand up to her!
I just sat there, not grabbing the shoe like she wanted me to.
"COME ON FATTY PICK UP THE PACE! I KNOW IT'S HARD TO YOU TO MOVE YOUR BIG ASS ARMS, BUT I DON'T HAVE ALL DAY!"
I chuckled and knew exactly what I was going to do. I grabbed her shoe and through it at her face like she did to me.
It hit her in the face, probably because she would have never expected a pushover like me to do that. She looked furious.
"Bold move fatty...," she said and bent down to my level.
She looked at me with the beady eyes I have feared for the last few months. I gulped, immediately regretting what I did. It wasn't worth it, she looks like she's going to do something really bad. She'll probably hit me. She always hits me.
"I have something to tell you," she said and finally sat down, so that we were eye level.
I started to get really nervous, I felt my forehead getting a bit sweaty.
She suddenly harshly grabbed me by the hair and I winced.
"You are worthless," she said, "You will never amount to anything. Whenever people see you they are immediately repulsed by how ugly and fat you are. Your acne is hideous and looks like you have a disease. I hate you... and so does everyone else. There is no one in this school who likes you, not even the teachers. So, what I'm trying to say, is know your fucking place before you act out. Pieces of scum like you will forever be licking the dirt off my shoes, wanting a taste of what it's like to actually be valued and amount to something."
I felt a tear slip out of my eye. I tried to not let her words affect me, but they were so harsh and mean. I tried to not let another tear fall, but it did. That was when I felt nothing but anger. I felt so angry she said those hurtful words to me just because I treated her once they way she treats me.
She let go of my hair and I saw her turn around and stand up. She grabbed her shoe and put it on, then started to walk away, flipping me off as she left.
"HEY, HEEYOUNG!" I screamed.
She whipped her head around, shocked I raised my voice with her.
My legs were on autopilot as they moved me forward, towards her. Feeling like I lost control, I swung my arm and slapped her in the face.
Her head flung to the side and again I immediately felt regret. She held her cheek and looked at me incredulously.
"I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!" she screamed.
I started to run away.
Fuck! I shouldn't have angered her!
I looked behind me but to my horror, she was right behind me. I faced back ahead of me but I felt a blow to my back that sent me flying face first into the dirt.
I groaned in pain and rubbed my back.
She started hitting me with her palms repeatedly. Honestly, it hurt, but it was bearable, I was mostly just humiliated and scared. The kick she sent to my back earlier though, that one hurt like a bitch.
I just laid there getting pummeled and I cried. When she was finally done she grabbed me by the hair and pulled so that I was looking at her in the eyes.
"FUN FACT. EVEN YOUR PARENTS HATE YOU! WANT TO KNOW WHY THEY'RE NEVER AROUND?! IT'S BECAUSE THEY NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR UGLY DISAPPOINTING FACE! THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE NO SIBLINGS TOO, BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANT TO PRODUCE MORE UGLY FATTIES LIKE YOU! YOU ARE A DISGUSTING HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING. YOU ARE HIDEOUS AND YOU DESERVE NOTHING!"
Her words stunned me, partially because I had thought some of them before, and partially because they were just flat out the meanest things anyone has ever said to me.
With that she roughly let go of my hair, slamming my head on the ground. She walked away and I heard her friends cackling as they walked away.
I laid there and sobbed a little longer, even though it was embarrassing.
- - -
SUMMER AFTER GR. 8
YUMI'S POV:
I ran as fast as my chubby, but less chubby than before legs could go; each step feeling like a mini accomplishment. I heaved and wiped the sweat off my forehead as I continued to push myself to new limits.
Was this the price to be valued in this world? Was this the price it took to be respected? Loved?
I kept running and felt the burn in my chest caused by overexertion. Each breath I took hurt, but it didn't matter. I had a goal and I wasn't going to stop until I reached it. Years and years of being looked at as less than a person, and one full year of the worst bullying of my life; I think I have all the reasons to seek change.
Shakily, I raised up my arm to press the speed button again. I need to work hard in order to lose this weight and maybe then, just maybe, they'll love me.
I shook my head and decided to ignore that last thought. I promised myself I wouldn't think about them ever again... not after I found out what they did.
I looked at the calorie burn tracker on the treadmill, smiling as the number started to rise quicker. I took a few more steps, then felt a pain in my leg.
Shit, not again.
Before I got the chance to save myself, it was already too late and my weakened legs gave out on me. This isn't the first time I've overexerted myself and had the consequence of having my body fail me. I crashed hard down onto the belt of the treadmill and then had it launch me into the wall behind me, since I didn't get the chance to turn it off. I groaned and grabbed at my back feeling the stinging pain all over.
That's going to leave a bruise.
I just laid there for a bit trying to hold in my tears, but as expected I couldn't hold them in. It wasn't just the physical pain that left my eyes dripping, it was a lot more emotional pain piled onto it. Feelings of being a failure floated around my brain, a product of again not being able to run as fast or for as long as I wanted.
Honestly, I just wanted to prove to myself that I was good enough or maybe even prove to them that I was... but I promised myself I wouldn't think about them. I wanted to prove, after all that I've been through, that I am a girl worth loving. A girl worth respect and attention other than negative. This year of constant torment and reminders that I am nothing but a disgusting monster has maybe rewired my brain I guess you could say. I believe I've accidentally started to internalize their words... actually I started as soon as the bullying started.
I sobbed a little harder.
There's actually one more thing on my mind. Them.
A few weeks ago Heeyoung's words really cut deep; the ones about my parents. I thought about it more and more how weird it was that their business trip was lasting so long that they didn't bother visiting me all year. Not for Thanksgiving, not for Christmas and not even for my birthday. I just told myself that they were really busy working, because thoughts of any other possible truths hurt too much. Anyways, I did a little more research on them and their business trips. The first piece of information I found was that business trips rarely ever last this long and actually usually only last a few days. That information hurt, but nothing would ever hurt as much as the last article I found. It was titled, "The Kim's finally settle down and buy a mansion in Shanghai." The article had further information on how they were excited to officially start a new life in China. Each word I read felt like little knives stabbing into my heart.
... They started a new life... without me.
My parents are the "they" I refuse to acknowledge. They are the ones who have me on the floor crying, all alone. I've always felt like I wasn't enough for them and they've always been a little distant, but I still never expected this.
Their absence hurt, but the confirmation that they weren't coming back hurt so much more. It hurt so bad I'd prefer to still have the stupid belief that they would come back one day. Blissful ignorance seemed so much more desirable.
Luckily, it seemed that they would still fund me with the money I needed to survive because they had been giving me more than enough money than that of what I needed to survive. I'm pretty sure that they had the house fees under control because I've never seen any bills or had to worry about them... at least they did that for me. They're filthy rich actually, but that never changed the way I acted. They were probably richer than Heeyoung's parents, but I never kept my nose in the air like she did.
I cried harder and gagged due to the exhaustion, but the sensation didn't bother me since it wasn't foreign.
- - -
PRESENT
YUMI'S POV:
Thinking back on the memories of when I discovered my parent's left me, left a stinging feeling in my heart. However, it was a feeling I learned to not let hurt me a long time ago. Instead, I use that feeling to motivate me to do good things, like to get better grades or continue to push myself to maintain my body. Maybe the motivation comes from a false belief that my achievements might impress them or convince them I'm not a failure worth leaving. Nonetheless, they're not even aware of what I look like now or have accomplished. The last time they acknowledged me was when their secretary told me I'd be transferring to Seoul High School this summer and no wasn't an option. Sure I wanted to scream denial, especially considering who went to Seoul High School and the painful memories that came with them, but being compliant seemed like the easiest option. But most importantly, maybe, just maybe I'd please my parents enough for them to come back. But they never did.
It's been 4 years since I last saw them in person. 4 lonely birthdays, Thanksgivings and 3 lonely Christmases.
How sad.