Lexi decided to spend the first Wednesday of February reviewing a lot of what she had written for her book the past couple of months. She had spent less time on her book during winter break than she would have liked. She also didn't write a ton last month due to adjusting to the new semester, helping Nikita deal with her feelings for Felipe, hanging out with Isaac, and dealing with the Mariana situation. But Lexi wanted to get more writing done now that everything else in her life seemed to have calmed down. So, she decided to read what she had written to make some necessary edits before writing more new chapters.
Lexi had gone into this knowing that what she had written probably wasn't going to be amazing, but still workable. However, that soon proved to not be the case as she continued reading her work. Some parts were sloppily written and weren't as good as she had remembered. Other parts read more like fluff than anything with actual substance. The whole book just read like a complete trainwreck in her eyes.
This is such a fucking disaster, she thought. Fuck, this book is so much worse than I thought.
As these thoughts began to creep into Lexi's head, she stopped editing altogether to read more of her writing. But the more she did exactly that, the more she realized just how much she had to edit. She had expected some editing to be needed, but not as much as what she saw. She tried to keep it together, but short, panicked breathes began to escape her. Her heart began to race despite her best efforts to calm down. If she was ever close to the point of hyperventilating, it would be now.
I'm so shit, I'm so shit, I'm so shit, she repeated to herself silently.
Realizing that she was only upsetting herself, Lexi saved her work and closed her laptop. She remained seated in her desk chair while tears began to slowly trickle down her cheeks. She began to sob and breathe heavily without any care as to how loud she was. Fortunately, Nikita was in class now and wouldn't be back for a few hours. So, the only people Lexi had to worry about overhearing her breakdown would be her apartment neighbours. But even if they did hear her, she really didn't care. Her sobs were the only thing she could focus on listening to.
She saw her phone light up, only to notice that Isaac was calling her. Lexi didn't bother answering it; she didn't want to worry him over such a trivial matter. Besides, it's not like he would have been able to fix this problem. She let his call go to voicemail while continuing to sob at her desk.
He doesn't get the struggles of being a writer at all, she thought. And I don't want to talk to him while I'm crying too. He'll just worry over me needlessly. I really don't need that right now.
It took several minutes, but Lexi managed to steady her breathing and stop crying for good. She went to the bathroom to splash some ice-cold water on her face to lessen the swelling around her eyes. She noticed her face was now red due to her sobbing, causing her to shake her head in dismay. She splashed some more cold water on her face before returning to her desk.
I need to suck it up and finish editing this Goddamn book, she thought. No matter how shitty my writing may be, this still needs to be done. Crying about it isn't going to fix anything!
With newfound determination, Lexi opened her laptop back up and resumed editing her book. She cringed at certain parts and even shook her head at some of the worst bits. But she gritted her teeth and tried to get her editing done as quickly as possible. She wasn't about to write any new chapters until her current task was finally done.
It was just past noon when Lexi decided to take a break from editing to make herself some lunch. She reheated some of last night's dinner— chicken and rice with teriyaki sauce— and ate it right at her desk. She ate while reading some news articles and watching funny videos on her laptop. Once lunch was over, she put her dishes in the sink and began walking back to her room. But before she made it there, someone knocked on her front door.
Who the hell could that be? I thought Nikita would still be in class by now. Then again, she could've been let out early. But it's not like her to forget her key, Lexi thought right as she checked the peephole. But when she saw Isaac, flew into a brief panic.
"Just a second!" she called out before rushing to the bathroom to check her appearance. Her face wasn't as red or puffy anymore from crying. She would've preferred to not look like that, but this would have to do. She fixed her hair and made sure her clothes and face were clean before finally answering the door.
"Hey, Isaac! What's up?"
"Hey, babe. Are you okay? I've been trying to get a hold of you for a while now."
Lexi frowned. "You have?"
"Yeah, I called and sent you a bunch of texts. I was starting to get worried about you," Isaac revealed.
"Oh, I haven't checked my phone in a long while," Lexi admitted. "Sorry, I was busy. I didn't mean to worry you, baby."
"No, it's fine," Isaac said. "It makes sense though. Were you busy doing schoolwork?"
Lexi shook her head sheepishly. "I was working on my book. It's been...stressful, to say the least."
"How come?"
"Ugh... It's just... My writing is so shit, and having to edit it is harder than you think. I'm feeling overwhelmed with how much I have to do. But it is what it is, right?"
It was Isaac's turn to frown. "Don't you think you're too hard on yourself?"
"I'm just being honest," Lexi snapped.
"Surely, you're a good writer."
"How do you know?"
Isaac shrugged. "I don't know, but does that really matter?"
"You haven't read any of my work, so how can you say that I'm a good writer?" Lexi questioned. "That makes no sense whatsoever."
"Look, I'm just trying to cheer you up," Isaac remarked. "You seem upset, and I hate seeing that."
Before Lexi could respond, she felt her boyfriend tilt her head up. They locked eyes briefly without either one saying a word. Isaac let go of her face, but his concerned gaze stayed on his girlfriend.
"Have you been crying?" he asked in an innocent manner.
"Oh, I'm only a little upset. It's not like I had a breakdown earlier today and bawled my eyes out about how shit I am as a writer...except that did happen. It happened just a couple of hours ago too. God, I'm so fucking pathetic."
Lexi sighed before plopping herself down on the couch. She put her head in her hands while Isaac took a seat beside her. He placed one hand on the small of her back.
"It's okay to be frustrated, babe," he said, "but you shouldn't beat yourself up about it. Surely, you're not as bad as you think you are."
"God, just stop it, Isaac!"
"What?"
Lexi looked up with narrow eyes. "You just don't get it, Isaac, okay? You don't understand what it's like to be confident in what you do and want to pursue it as a career, only to feel defeated when you do write something. I have no fucking clue if what I'm writing is actually good to publishers and whatnot! I only have myself to go off of, but that doesn't mean jack shit when you keep doubting yourself. You don't get what I'm going through 'cause you're not a writer!"
Isaac blinked in shock by her sudden outburst. "I mean...I get what you're saying. I...I'm trying to understand, okay? I'm sorry if I'm not saying the right things. I'm not sure what exactly to say, but I am trying my best here."
"You don't understand what I'm dealing with, that's all. I'm tired of you acting like you do understand when that's not the case! Quit bullshitting me already!!"
"Lexi, I'm trying to understand— really. I want to understand because I hate seeing you so mad at yourself. I'm sure being a writer isn't easy— I would never suggest that it is. But I really wish you'd stop being so hard on yourself. That isn't healthy at all."
Lexi scowled but didn't respond. She just looked down at the floor again in silence. She ran one hand through her long hair in an absent-minded manner. Seeing that he was getting nowhere, Isaac got up and headed for the door. This caused Lexi to look back up.
"Oh, you're leaving now?" she asked in a snarky tone.
"Yeah, I might as well," Isaac answered with a scoff, "seeing that you're done listening to me. I'm not gonna let you talk to me like that."
He promptly left her apartment, slamming the front door in the process. A couple of items shook from the vibration of the door slamming so violently. Even Lexi flinched at the noise.
God, I can't believe we got into an argument over me being a writer, she thought. But I can't let that distract me now. I should finish editing now before I don't feel like doing it anymore.
Despite her and Isaac's fight being fresh in her mind, Lexi got up from the couch and strolled back into her bedroom to finally resume editing her book.
***
The past two days went by in a big blur for Lexi. She got through her lectures and did her homework— all without hearing a single peep from Isaac. Neither had tried to get a hold of the other since their fight the previous night. This had been an intentional move by Lexi— she wanted to give her boyfriend some time to cool off before reaching out to him. She wanted to make amends, but she also didn't want to make things worse between them.
Once her final class was done on the following Friday, Lexi decided to head back to her apartment. It was only after she made it back there and changed into comfy clothes that she sat on her bed. She proceeded to send Isaac a brief text.
Lexi: Hey, could you please text me when you see this? We really need to talk.
Having finally extended an olive branch to her boyfriend, Lexi grabbed her laptop and other belongings out of her backpack. She decided to work on her lecture notes from today's classes from her bed so that she could watch some TV as well. She had finished getting her things organized when she noticed that Isaac had replied to her text.
Isaac: What's up?
Thank God he wants to talk, Lexi thought as she furiously typed out a reply.
Lexi: I wanna apologize for my behaviour the other day. You didn't deserve it at all. I was just really upset & overwhelmed and I snapped at you. I shouldn't have done it, and I'm sorry.
Isaac: I appreciate it, Lexi. I just want you to know that I understand how frustrated you are, okay? You don't have to keep your feelings hidden from me.
Lexi found herself biting her lip. Despite wanting to make amends with Isaac, she wasn't totally convinced that he understood her frustrations as a writer. She had to question his true feelings despite actively trying to fix things with him.
Lexi: Do you actually understand tho?
Isaac: I'm trying to, Lexi. I really am.
Lexi: Ok
Isaac: Lexi, I'll always support your dreams. Even if I don't understand everything you're dealing with as a writer, I'll still be there for you. That will never change. Please believe me.
Reading those words made Lexi's cheeks flush. But a twinge of guilt also hit her right in the right of her stomach. She had tried to fix things between her and Isaac since their fight, yet it felt as though she had made them even worse. She groaned loudly upon this realization hitting her like a ton of bricks to the head.
God, I always make things worse, she thought as she shook her head with disappointment. I shouldn't say anything else to Isaac 'cause I'll only start another damn fight.
Lexi tried to put her and Isaac's recent conversation out of her mind for the time being. She wanted to complete her lecture notes and do other homework now instead of during the weekend. She needed to figure her emotions out once and for all before she tried to make amends with Isaac.