They say sadness is behind anger, yet anger never comes unless in direct self-defense, and so perhaps I can credit this natural passivity with my willingness to cry and feel pain, to let the sorrow teach me more about my true nature and how fragile we humans are.
Sweat dripped extensively down my face. I grunted from the pain and smiled brightly when that pleasurable feeling passed by me. My ass hurts and I'm catching my breath while I go another round not caring that I'm still sensitive and sore.
This is it, Noelle. The last push.
"Why don't we take a break?" Jimin says touching my bulging arm that held a twenty-five-pound weight and I let go.
We've been in the gym since nine and it's currently going on eleven. I have been working out to avoid thinking about what's going in my life. My muscles scream for a break and I don't know how I've been able to push myself this hard. I've exhorted all the energy I have left and Jimin chuckles. He pulls a towel from off the freshly rolled pyramid and began wiping the sweat off his chest before grabbing another and handing it to me. The cool fabric swiped over my skin and I sighed in bliss.
My head feels a little lighter as I close my eyes and tilt my neck up to the ceiling feeling the breeze from the large fan overhead. Anytime I'm doing good some bad needs to remind me of my karma. But I'ma make good outta what I have and I hate when people take pity on me. We did a cooldown and I grabbed my stuff from out the lockers and made our way to a fruit juice cafe just right up the street.
I got a gree juice with kale and Jimin the organic booster. We sat at a table in comfortable silence and my achy joints did more talking than I could have. It's been some time since I and Jimin were out together without everyone else. Shit, it's been some time since we haven't all been together. It makes me wonder what life will look like once we all graduate and go off looking for law firms and creating families. Just that thought alone makes me wanna swallow it.
"I'm gonna feel this in the morning." Jimin sighs, his plump lips poking out as he blew bubbles at the ceiling. "I did enough squats to compete with Kim K."
I laugh poking my straw in my cup. "At least you'll be natural."
"True." He smiles and there was a brief comfortable silence. We were sitting outside and the wind blew straight through his locks. Surprisingly enough he's maintained to keep away from the scissors and it's been working in his favor. I've been depriving myself of looking as up to par as I should be. Maybe over break, I'll come back looking like another person.
"I didn't know you were a gym rat." He said and I grin as I drank.
"I'm not."
"Could've fooled me." He chuckles. "You were so into whatever you were doing that you didn't even hear me calling your name. And I have a pretty loud voice."
I shrugged taking my eyes off into our surroundings looking at how I'm under the shade but everything is so bright and clear. There are no clouds in the sky and you could perfectly see a plane if it was to pass by.
"Do you have any plans for break?"
I thought it over and shook my head. Usually, when it was the holidays or break I would go back home and dread it every single time. I would always say it'll be different this year, that maybe my family has changed but they never do. They're just as disappointing as I am to them.
"I'm going to spend time with my Aunt. She lives in this very small town so I think it would do me some good to get away from the city."
Jimin nods, accepting my answer, and casts a glance at two girls walking down the sidewalk. They were side by side, almost appeared to look like sisters and one of them took notice of him. Jimin has this terrible but efficient thing he does where he stares until he makes you uncomfortable. It's like stalking prey.
The slenderness of his eyes is shaped and cut by heaven themselves. He juts his chin outward leaning against his hand on the table and stares with a devious smirk. I sometimes forget about this side of him. Sometimes he appears so soft and gentle that you barely would notice him when he becomes a flirt.
Jimin gives the girls a wink and they both giggle feverishly. One waved a hand timidly and Jimin does the same, waving each finger individually. I guess his charm has worked and what's worst is he's doing it in front of me. Gross. I roll my eyes and look at the women who have stopped and were walking over here. An idea popped into my head and I silently chuckle in my hand.
When the girls arrived at the table I turned and looked at them. "Um, hey. Is she your girlfriend?" The girl with auburn eyes asked pointing over in my direction. They were similar things; a small dress that made their legs look slimmer, a nice satchel that went with the color of their sparkly shoes. If anything they were the definition of what a girly-girl looks like.
"Oh no she's my-"
"I'm his older sister and he's also sixteen," I said, amused. Jimin's neck snapped towards me bewildered and the ladies looked taken back, looking at both him and me.
"H-He's what?" The other said, with curls as golden as the rays coming from the sun.
"He's sixteen and he's also a little flirt. I can't tell you the amount of times I've caught him trying to act older than what he is. So I suggest you go find someone who is not going to get you a court case."
Jimin stayed frozen in complete shock. "She's lying I'm 26."
"Yeah in dog years Jimin," I replied. "Annoying little brothers am I, right?"
"I don't even know her." Jimin snorted waving a hand trying to downplay the damage but it's been done.
I placed my phone on the table and pointed to a picture. Crossing my arms over my chest I watched as the three of them bent down to see. It was a old picture, about four years ago freshmen year of the first semester and his hair hadn't grown out as much as it has right now. In this picture though we all decided to go to the park and it had a playground. I was pushing Jimin on the swing while Jin took the picture capturing his eye smile and everything. It didn't mean much but it was enough to make me laugh in fits.
We would causally joke about him looking the youngest outta all of us and it would clearly make him mad. However it's so cute to see his face become all red.
His mouth was dangling wide and there was no one present in those crystal orbs of his. He clocked out the moment I pulled out the photo. Eventually, the girls did leave, only to have more things to gossip about while they walk to god knows where. He threw back his head and let out a loud, humorless laugh.
"I hope a mistletoe isn't the only thing hanging this Christmas." He flicks me the bird.
"You and me both bitch." I tried to suppress my giggling but ended up bursting into loud laughter, he and I making everyone down the street look at us.
⁂
At this early hour, the airport is as serene as it ever is. The people move with ease, quiet rivers of humanity freshly roused from their slumber. The floors are clean and white, reflecting the early rays and the manmade light the same. The weather was a bit chilly so I placed a light sweater over my body as I walked with my carry-on to the baggage claim.
There's something so adult-ish about being able to travel by oneself. As I waited to board my flight I enjoyed the idea of creating a life for each person that I saw. The countless businessmen bristly walking to board gave me the impression of someone wealthy and in charge of their lives. The large chaotic families wore matching tees so they could stand out from everyone else.
Everyone had a story and what's so funny about being at an airport about to board a steel vessel that flies is that no matter how anyone sees it, we're all running away from something. You don't know if the person sitting next to you is settling roots or burning bridges.
I got my bag off the converter belt and walked out looking around. This town hasn't changed one bit. If you look far enough you'll be able to see the sea at just a short distance. My legs pulled me to a stop and I whipped out my phone ready to call my Aunt.
"Ellie!" That familiar voice, that sweet driven voice. I turned around and beamed. I felt like a kid all over again, running to the safety of my Auntie's arms and smelling that warm cinnamon scent. I knew I was loved here, only here. I fell into her arms and she squeezed enough of her love that I felt whole again.
I've always been close to my Aunt, especially since she's considered the estranged loved one of the family. We had something in common since day one and before she moved out here, I was always at her house. But even then I couldn't stay away.
"Oh, how I missed you." She pulled away grabbing my face and kissing my cheeks. I giggled and laughed not fighting it but accepting it. It felt like an eternity since I'd last seen her. Her hair is a wave of salt and pepper and the laughing smiles on her cheeks were more prominent now. Age has finally come around but it looks amazing on her.
"It's been forever, my darling girl." My aunt says and looked me over from head to toe. Then she frowned. "Have you been eating, look at you, you're almost skin and bones! But don't worry, your uncle has made a feast once he heard you were coming."
The sound of having a nice dinner awaiting me felt nice and it made my heart leap in my chest. We walked over with my bags and I placed them in her trunk and then we set off in the direction to her house. While on the road, we played catch up and laughed and talked about the things we missed and now call memories. I would take a glance every now and then at the buildings on the street and see that gentrification hasn't made it to this part of town yet.
My aunt lives on the outskirts where the ocean is a friend to all. I reminisce on many childhood memories where I would get tanned from being by the beach too long. It was part of the reasons why I would beg my parents to let me visit as often as I could. To my parents it probably made sense to them, one less hungry mouth to feed for a few weeks.
"You think you can hook me up, Auntie? I've been thinking about dying my hair while I'm here." I played with my coils feeling them untangle as my fingers brushes through them. It was a spontaneous, in the moment, request. My image has been lacking in a few departments lately and it's time for a new look. I wanna come back to school with a fresh start.
She took one good look at my hair and smiled eagerly. Since she's a hairstylist with her own shop, doing hair is her kryptonite. I could already see the little gears in her head turning as she kept her eyes on the road. Her skin an umber, dark yellow-brown glistened in the sun as she let the top down to her convertible. Living in a town small without any concerns about city life makes her look youthful.
"Anything you want Ellie." She says my nickname which makes me giggle. Anything I want, makes me feel greedy for wanting to ask for a whole lot more love. But the sound of my nickname coming out of her mouth makes me do a little dance in my seat whilst looking out the window daydreaming. It's a perfectly clear day and it feels like this day holds lots of positivity. Something that I need for sure.
We sat in a comfortable silence letting the radio draw out until we got to the end of the street and her house arrived on the end corner. The house's frame reflects off the windows and I look up at it with a smile. This place hasn't changed a bit. My mind creates the image of younger Noelle climbing up these steps with a hand in each of my aunt's and uncle's while just coming back from getting ice cream. They laughed about the mess around my mouth, calling it a mustache.
Tears welled up in my eyes but I blinked them away. I've missed this place so much. My Uncle David comes out the front door with a hand up to his forehead keeping the sun at bay and I jump out of the car. Part of the reason why my Aunt is seen as the black sheep is that she chose to go outside the box of what our family normally does. She's the youngest out of four children and was expected to do what was told of her but instead, she rebelled.
In her early years, she dyed her hair all crazy colors, wore black and heavy makeup, and even listened to grunge or hard rock. She was the definition of the kid you don't want your children playing with. But deep down my Aunt is the sweetest person ever, she just used all that as a point to be made to her family that she wasn't the one to follow rules. Once she met my uncle it was game over. They became inseparable and till this day still love each other like teenagers in heat. They have no children yet treat me as their own since I was able to remember.
I came running up those same very steps without an ice cream mustache. I embraced him with the same enthusiasm and was given it back tenfold. My calming breath slowed and my nerves relaxed. I've been on the edge for so long it felt weird to be pulled into someone's loving arms and know that I won't have to endure that for very long.
"Seems like yesterday when I use to take you to the beach. Now, look at you," He pauses pulling away with such adoration and kindness swirling in his eyes. The years have done both of them justice. "Just as pretty as the day you was born."
I blushed hitting him lightly on the shoulder seeing his chest shake as he silently laughed.
"A little help darling." She calls from down the porch with my two heavy bags sitting outside of the trunk. They would think that I planned on staying indefinitely.
"Of course my love." He gently passes me and goes down the step with swiftness and takes both luggage and lifts them like they weigh a feather. I smile and my aunt rolled her eyes but grinned nonetheless at my uncle becoming all macho. The fact that they still call each other cute pet names is something I found so adorably rare, but it works for them. They're still in love like the very first day.
He took my bags upstairs to my room that I'd always stay in whenever visiting but it's been a few years. Coming up those steps and turning the corner to see that obnoxiously loud bright pink I painted the walls greet my vision made me visibly cringe. I wasn't allowed to show much of myself at home with my parents. When given the chance to make my room a room I went all out. And it felt like such a blast from the past once walking over the threshold.
"Haven't changed it since the last time you came here." My uncle said. He leaned against the wall with his arms and legs crossed over and I look around my room. Being in this room reminds me of the person I used to be. So full of light and hope. But I feel like that's just about it. I didn't take any of that with me once I left this place. I had to conceal it, hide it because I was afraid to let it blossom.
It feels almost awkward now. Like I've stepped into a world that is dying and don't know how to save it. But I'm willing to try. I hear a loud thump on the wooden floor from my bags dropping and take a deep breath. Time to write another chapter in this room of mines. But before I could begin anything my stomach reminded me that I hadn't eaten anything since early this morning. I made my way down the stairs going into the kitchen.
As I passed down the corridor leading there, the walls whispered to me. They tell me a welcome home and how much they've missed me with each passing memory hung on the wall like a trophy. In those silent words, in the purity of their expression, I find my inner peace and realize that I am home.
The smell of food dances its way throughout the house filling my nostrils and I hummed. My mouth salivated once I got to the heat of the kitchen and saw such a spread of food, and so early in the day. He must've been up until the early hours of the morning today.
"I made all the things you use to eat when you would come over. Eat what you can, it'll put some meat back on them bones again." Uncle nudges me to the table and pulls out the seat for me. I laughed from such a royal treatment and took my place.
"I've missed your cooking," I responded by licking my lips and taking the utensils next to me, and starting on the french toast. There's a thing we like to do and it's where we mix breakfast, lunch, and dinner food all into one entree and it tastes oh so delicious. On my plate I had, french toast, ribs, mac, and cheese, scrambled eggs, with just a tad bit of ham.
All the food jumped out at me with steam of smell that created saliva in my mouth. I took the first bite and moaned with my eyes closed and brows furrowed. I could've been seen as being angry but really I was entering through the pearly gates. I hadn't been able to gluten out like this in forever. The sight and aroma of the food were a gentle massage to my soul.
My aunt and uncle watch me eat with glee before lightly digging into their food, taking glances up to see me fully indulged in my cravings. After lunch, we went out to their salon. While we walked, I pulled out my phone to look through Pinterest to see what type of style I'm going for. My hair is curly, but I like to keep it straight whenever I can because having natural hair is seriously a struggle.
I finally decided on a color and showed it to my aunt who nodded approvingly. "You're gonna make all the boys ask for your number when you come back." She exclaims nudging me with her elbow. I would've agreed with her at one point in my life. But now all I want to do is impress myself. I want to be able to say I would fuck myself whenever I take a glance of myself in the mirror.
The hair salon was a wide-open space of mirrors and comfy leather chairs that swiveled all the way around. The floor was deep brown planks sanded smooth and the walls were brilliant white. It was personal and communal all at once, there in that space with so many yet speaking only to one.
There were two ladies already working on someone's hair simultaneously when we both walked in. They turned their heads and looked to see my aunt and smiled. My aunt tucked an arm under mines and leaned on my shoulders. For her height, I'm considerably tall and the smell of her hibiscus parfum wafted through my nose giving me a fruity scent.
"Ladies, you remember Ellie?" She introduced me and I waved shyly. They both gasped, looking at one another then back at me. Soon they left the client and wrapped an arm each and brought me down to sit.
"You've gotten so big since the last time we've seen you!" One exclaims, pinching at my cheeks. I blushed shyly taking in the comments with a soft laugh. This overwhelming feeling of attention felt good for once. I'm in the spotlight and yet I don't mind it as much as I thought I would have.
"What year are you in college now?"
"Senior year ma'am," I said politely and she gasp dramatically placing a hand over her mouth.
"I remember when you were a senior in high school! Jesus I'm getting old." She turned away now thinking of the years that has passed her by and we began to laugh.
The ladies went back to doing the client's hair and I sat in my aunt's chair. She wrapped the cape around my neck and took me over to the washing station. The water has a serene feeling to it as it cools down my scalp. I tried my best not to moan due to the stimulation of getting a head massage while she combs her fingers through my hair.
After that, my aunt began mixing chemicals, so much so I grew excited watching her work. She used to do my hair anytime I would visit her and would come home with my hair freshly washed and pressed making all the kids at school jealous. At least that's what she told me they would be like. Life before meeting the group wasn't much fun.
I shook off that negative energy, not wanting to wallow in my own self-pity because I don't deserve it. What I need is happiness, and dying my hair and trying out new things is what's going to help me achieve it. I'm away from the boy drama, school drama, shit even life drama. This right here is me reclaiming my life. Taking it by the balls and saying here I am.
Short chapter but I kinda wanna get to the point now, I see after rereading it that it feels more like her diary than anything. Shit I'm even waiting for them two to make up and fuck🤷♀️
L&C💕