Half-awake is underrated, it's where I see my most vivid of visions, it's where my dreaming brain speaks to me in visual puns and condensations of such. I am filled with brief peace and serenity until nausea comes in fits of waves.
The aching in my skull ebbs and flows like a cold tide, yet the pain is always there. I understand at once why they call it a hangover, for it feels as if the blackest of clouds are over my head with no intention of clearing until late afternoon.
I can't tell what time it is or even if time is even time. This hangover feels like a balloon under my cranium, slowly being inflated, pressure mounting. The bile that sits underneath my ribs reminds me why I'm in this predicament in the first place.
Never in my life have I drunk so much. It's like my liver is screaming a choir and my skin feels so sticky on whatever my body is laying on. Drench in my own sweat, bones feel so brittle, I risk the chance to open my eyes as the sun pours it's light through the blinds.
This almost feels like a punishment. I am being reminded who I am, nothing but an unloveable creature. A person who is so needy for the basic things that I take until that person finds my being to be nothing but annoyance to them. There's a time where I just become so stuck in a cycle that I could resemble a hamster on a wheel. Round and round and round I go, stuck in a rotation that keeps me in one place at one time. But all these things, events, emotions, feelings, are surrounding me with the illusion that I am living. Society has a funny way of keeping us blind.
My tongue feels dry, almost like it might crack at any moment and I swallow thickly to give it moisture. I need to get up, I need to move forward. I can't keep being the hamster on the wheel.
The sun is kissing my skin, reminding me that I am alive no matter how dead inside I feel at the moment. As I sit up my head pounds like the beat of drums and I groggily groaned accepting defeat. I will submit to my punishment. Lights, everywhere, it's so bright.
I squinted my eyes over my hand and take a look at my surroundings. The room I'm currently staying in looks like trash came and had their own party. My stuff was everywhere, and recurring moments from last night came in like shock waves and I closed my hands over my head to make it stop.
Remembering hurts.
Nausea is coming back to befriend me. I lunge for the connected bathroom and made it just in time to throw up all the alcohol my liver couldn't cleanse. I hadn't really eaten that much yesterday and being drunk on an empty stomach is what fools do so I guess I've joined the club. My curls stick to my face and I continued to empty out what's left of the party. After I was done I laid my head against the toilet seat so defeated with my life.
I began to cry, for the simple fact that I lost the reigns to control my life, and now I'm sitting by a toilet crying about that. What have I been doing so far? Chasing after a guy and becoming smitten for another. Is this who I've become? Is this...Noelle? Silent tears fell down my face like shooting stars crashing down to earth as its own suicide.
At least let everyone else feel as shitty as I do.
I found some strength in my legs and leaned against the sink and took a good look in the mirror. This was not the same woman I stared back at yesterday. This girl looks almost sad and pitiful and it's a shame this isn't some Halloween mask I'm wearing right now.
This is me, and I need to wash off the residue of that. In the shower, the water comes as a soothing cascade, as if I am within arms that flow and hug so gently. Once out I felt replenished enough to set my clothes out and decided on some jeans and an oversized tee and tried at doing my hair.
My baby hairs wouldn't listen but I was fine to let it have its way only for today. I bit my lip to fight the urge to vomit some more and put my best foot forward to walk out of my room and downstairs, very slowly.
"You can't make this shit up." Laughter was heard downstairs and my heart felt giddy. I turned the corner to see everyone downstairs in the kitchen or living room. They were cleaning up the mess that was made last night while Jin talked with Jimin, Mina, and Namjoon who was sitting in front like kids watching their moms cook on the kitchen island bar stools. The aroma soon hit my nose and I hummed and so did my stomach. We were both starved half to death.
Namjoon turned and grinned coming to my need and hooking a hand on my waist and bringing me to the stool. They all looked heavenly like they weren't just drinking vodka straight from the bottle hours ago.
Mina's hair was perfectly bone straight with no fly away and no residue of any red paint anywhere on her body. Jin's skin glowed like the sun was caught in the room while Namjoon bags under his eyes were something of the figment of the imagination.
"Why I'm the only one that looks and feels like shit?" I asked with the elephant in the room. They laughed while I pouted selfishly. If I'm dying we all dying is my toxic trait.
"We all feel like shit. We just didn't drink as much as you did angel."
"Do you know how much you drank?" Jungkook came over with bottles in his hands showing me the evidence. "I should take you to jail my damn self!" He proclaimed.
"Yeah well, I hope they got food there cause I'm starving."
"Bread helps with the hangover so I'm making pancakes. Even though half the day is gone to waste." Jin replied snapping his wrist and flipping the pancake to the other side and Namjoon loudly clapped.
I covered my ears from the heightened sensitivity and glared at him before he smiled sheepishly. Taking a look around I notice that Yoongi wasn't in sight or Taehyung. Maybe he's still asleep, probably worst than I am right now.
"Where's Yoongi?" I wondered while still looking around for his pale skin to show up at the sound of hearing his own name. I wouldn't have minded waking up to such a feline face like his. Jimin frowned and then looked at the boys before landing on me.
"He left, had some guy come pick him up after we headed for bed." She shrugged, brushing away the negative energy.
Oh. My stomach relaxed as if its stride was to hear that Yoongi was here, waiting for me. I knew it was wrong of me to think that Yoongi would stay around after what had happened before I blacked out. Sooo much has happened in the last 24 I'm starting to think I'm the wheel and the world is the hamster.
Namjoon winced and pulled me into his chest and I found comfort in his hug. No one questioned what had happened between me and Taehyung but I knew the question was lingering in the air. The question I held onto was why did he do it? I haven't really spoken to him in weeks and I've been dogging his calls and texts. Anytime we were in class I kept a tight hello and sat in the farthest corner of the room to keep away.
"Don't worry Noelle, he probably just wanted to leave you alone. We were all terribly drunk." He tried his best to soothe me and it was working, to say the least. My head still spun and I clenched to the blanket I had wrapped around myself. The air felt colder, meaner than before. Joonie was probably right, I'm overthinking it.
⁂
The air never did get nicer after that. Just whipped its way around my neck like a noose as I went to class the following weeks. Yoongi hasn't called or texted me since the party and my guilt grows stronger by the hour. I've thought about, really sitting at home one day and thought the entire day over once my hangover lessened. I hadn't done anything wrong. He kissed me. Tae kissed me! Why do I feel like I'm the one that needs to crawl back and apologize for something that was out of my control?
I crossed my arms and huffed, slouching in my seat so I can't see the board or the professor while the class all got ready for the mock trial. Finals are coming up, I don't have time for this bullshit, it's time to get serious. If I was to be the prosecutor I had one of the biggest roles but also the more annoying one too.
Interviewing the witnesses or suspect was a part of the project and I had done neither. My mind swirled around a lie and it stuck with me until it was our turn. I and Jin were up. Infidelity leads to murder was the case and it was an interesting one that I had to look at Jin and see him smirking sheepishly. Is he tryna teach me a lesson, or?
Tae sat ahead of me with a fluff of untamed hair left in a headband. He wore an onyx turtleneck with a dark blue denim jean jacket and matching pants to go together. A brown belt cinched his waist jointly while glasses framed his small face. He looked absolutely endearing in them, almost like he could do no harm.
I pulled on my skirt as I stood up and the class all headed over to the courtroom on the other side of the school to begin the trial. My notes were a bit of a mess but that's how I like them. A perfect storm all in my bag. I started going over them and noticed that I did talk with the students who were to play the witnesses. I scratched my head not even remembering doing any of these.
"Your welcome by the way." A voice appeared from behind me and came into my line of sight. Tae stuffed his hands in his pocket a grin, and my brows frowned. He took my notes from out my hands and showed them to me like I was blind. "When you use to come over to my place you told me about the people you needed to interview. So I went ahead a did you a favor and interview them myself since I got picked as one of them so you won't need to use me for a testimony. I slipped it into your bag after our last encounter in the classroom."
"Don't you remember kitty?" His deep voice was soft like the churning of butter and I wanted to cry out loud. Why can't my emotions just take my side for once? These aren't feelings of love but of infatuation and it can't be helped I guess...I'm yearning for his tongue swiping across my body. I'm so ashamed that I'm a hoe.
"Oh," I whispered looking down at my notes and nod. "Thank you, Tae."
Tae stared for longer than needed with a tight brow before blinking back whatever was on his mind. "Okay let's start!" Our professor's voice resonated off the walls bringing all talking to a cease. I took my place behind the desk and set aside any distractions in my mind, focusing on getting an A.
Namjoon comes out with a glare looking around the room. "All rise for The Honorable Jeon Jungkook!"
We all stood and Jungkook came out in his black robe with his head held towards the ceiling and his gravel held between his chest like a bouquet of flowers. For a second I thought I was at a wedding. He walked awfully slow making the pain of wearing heels drag on until he reached his seat. Jungkook looked around the room with this smug smile sitting atop his face and stayed standing in front of his seat for a minute too long and then slowly sat.
I gritted under my teeth as I finally sat down and glared at him wondering how many ways I could get away with murder. Jungkook clears his throat. "Good Morning ladies and gentlemen. This is Case No. 3:16-cv-125-J-34JRK. It is the case of Sky Jackson v. the People. We may begin." His words flowed like poetry and I wanted to clap for how professional he's taking all this.
We began with opening statements, both I and Jin introducing ourselves to the court and jury then started to present our case. Jin straighten out his corduroy coat and walked to the middle of the courtroom. His voice was loud and resonant while his broad shoulders pointed out giving him that extra edge of being an actual lawyer.
It was like we were both in Ancient Rome fighting to the death in the colosseum but instead of weapons our brains, our lips became the sword and shield. We had to protect or prosecute a person today and we must, by all means, prove our words with all our knives and daggers.
"Your Honor and jurors take the time to understand the gravity of this situation. My client has suffered throughout her life with mental illnesses that prove that she was not in the right state of mind when she took the life of Mr. Franklin. She didn't take her meds that night and was coming off a nine-hour shift when the couple got into a heated argument and things began to get physical. Ms. Jackson has all the right to protect herself and that's what she did. She clearly feels remorse for her actions and that's why she seemed helped by a friend and eventually turned herself in."
"With that being said." He continues. "Ms. Jackson shouldn't get the death penalty but seek help through a facility where she will get the immediate help our government has failed to give her when she needed it most." Jin finishes his statement and walks back over to his desk where he sat next to a weeping Sky and I applaud everyone for their amazing performance today.
I clear my throat and press my clothes and walk to the front looking up at Jungkook cloaked in a robe and gravel in hand and turned away to look at the jury.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, may I remind you what is at stake here if we were to let Ms. Sky Jackson walk free. Not only are we letting a murderer out sky free with just a slap on the wrist, where's the closure for the family of Franklin Roosevelt? He did not deserve the gruesome death that was given to him and yet here we look at the culprit who gets to breathe the air that Franklin no longer can. Infidelity, cheating, adultery; they're all the same, and sadly I have seen enough marriages go to court for these reasons. But no reason should give a woman the right to murder."
I walk around the room, looking at each one of the jury members to make sure they see and feel the gravity of the matter. My eyes gaze around the room while I emphasize my words with my hands.
"So taking all these into consideration let's go over the evidence." I nodded over to my assistant and the lights went off and the projector played, showing the crime scene. The room gasps, and I smirk under my long bangs hearing the reaction I wanted. I'll be damned if Jin wins this case. Of course, since it's a mock trial the crime scene photos aren't real but I have a friend in the photoshop department to help give my project an edge and they outdid themselves.
There in the photo was a dead body, or parts of a body that were cut up in various pieces and sizes and placed around the apartment. They were scattered everywhere and I had him take a photo where it said "RedRum" in the victim's blood on the wall in the bedroom. It was disgusting to look at and I saw some of the students actually leave the courtroom quietly with a hand placed over their mouths.
"This is a murderer. This is what she has done to Franklin and only confided in her friend because the stench of the body parts was so bad she couldn't sustain living with them anymore. Now I'll admit, that this is the work of someone who is not a-tuned to the right cords to make them human but what do I know? What I do know is this is the works of someone with no consciousness or soul to tell them right from wrong. So instead of letting her roam free," I pointed at Sky. "Give her the death penalty."
There was a loud noise from people talking loudly and Jungkook maintained character in order to sustain the situation but I smiled a bit too brightly as I went back to my seat with my head held high. I got this grade in the fucking bag.
The professor stepped in with a threat of a grade cut if everyone didn't calm down and it suffice enough for us to continue throughout the trial. Finally, we did our closing statements and we took a recess for the jury to congregate their decision. I stepped outside since I haven't felt the sun on my skin since this morning and it greeted me kindly with its melanated kisses on my skin.
There was a group of people outside all talking and most of them came up to me in huge shock and awe. Not only did it take me back, but I laughed nervously because I wasn't used to this kind of attention. Out of all of us in our group, I was kinda known for being the quiet and forgotten one, and at times I liked it. But not I'm getting more attention than I planned on ever getting in college.
"How'd you do that with the crime scene photos they looked sick!" One said to me and stood closer than I would like with huge eyes.
"For a second I thought those were actual photos and kept thinking was this allowed." Another said.
"Oh no," I waved a hand laughing softly. "They're all photoshopped."
And as soon as I said that the waves of questions came swifter than anticipated. I became bombarded with interrogations that my soft smile slowly saunter to a frown. I wanted to leave. I came out here for a breath of air and it's being taken by a flock of birds that are looking for food.
"W-Wait!"
A hand brushed against the small of my back and hooked itself around my waist. Long smooth hands. Tae came and pulled me to his side and didn't say a word but just wanted to walk me into the building and the trails of questions still followed us but softy turned into hushes. Taehyung has never done this in public before and it was a shock factor for most to see him like this.
Jimin jogged over walking around with us and I let out a breath of relief that I didn't even know I was holding. We still had five minutes of recess left so we sat in one of the rows. My hands fumbled with my skirt and I chewed on the bottom of my lip. A rise of panic started to shape form in my lower abdomen.
"Hey," Jimin's voice soothes over like a feather. Low and soft as he took my hand and grabbed my attention to look at him. His face filled with worry and the lines on top of his eyebrows were more prominent than usual. "You okay? Did they hurt you?"
"No, I-I don't think so." I could barely recognize my own voice. It was barely above a whisper but Jimin's face scrunched even tighter and he pulled me into a hug. I felt the sting of tears brim at my waterline but I didn't allow myself to cry, no matter how hard I wanted to.
Jimin's really the only person that knows about my panic attacks. He saw it one time in high school when I was going through stuff dealing with my parents and he had come over that day. I usually was able to hide it well, my mask being impenetrable but that day was terrible. I still have nightmares about it. He was able to comfort me, in a way I wished my mother would do if she saw me like this.
Now it's common for him to be at my side whenever I feel a trigger coming up. I don't know how he does it but it's like he pops out of thin air.
"Okay I need you to breathe for me Noelle, can you do that for me, hm?" He asked in a tone a mom would use and I nodded my head. He counted to ten and breathed with me each time. I exhaled softly trying to absorb all my might to fight away the demons that slowly crawled into the crevice of my brain.
I slowly started to feel better and I squeezed his hands as my signal to say I'm ok. Jimin smiled softly putting a hand behind my head and reeling me into a hug. I grabbed him tightly and smelled his warm vanilla scent that always seemed to be the cherry on the ice cream for me. He pulled away and took my shoulders and got a good look at me.
His soft gaze scanned my face over and then nodded his head satisfied and looked over my shoulder with a small shock on his face. I looked in his direction and was stunned to see Taehyung still here. For the first time in a while, I saw his raw emotion. His face was relaxed but his eyes stung with that worry that Jimin had in his eyes.
His pink lips were apart like he wanted to speak but didn't know what to say. Tae looked completely unaware of his next moves and so was I. I forgot he was even next to me, in that moment it felt like I was being swallowed up and in no way of being able to rescue myself. Jimin was my boat and guided me to shore and Tae was here waiting for me.
"Noelle..." My name coming off his tongue in that tone stung a bit. I didn't like the way he was looking at me because I didn't need any of his sympathies.
I swallowed thickly and Jimin looked between the two of us with suspicion but didn't say anything. He took his leave and left us to ourselves in this silent courtroom and it was still filled with all sorts of emotions. We sat still not saying a word for a moment until it drew out too long and someone had to say something. But it surely won't be me.
"Are you okay love?" He asks and I rolled my eyes still looking ahead. There he goes with the nicknames.
"I'm fine Tae, thanks for asking."
"No but I'm serious Noelle are you okay?" Taehyung's voice was much deeper now, hinting me to reveal such secrets I don't think he could afford.
I turn to face him and immediately regret it. For the first time, his emotions are painted clear as day for me and I'm too afraid to even read them. Maybe I'm scared that if I read into them I may not enjoy the outcome of my own. A worry line plucked his forehead and he scooted closer to me and put a hand over the seat. His scent wavered over me like a breeze on a sunny day and I just wanted to sigh in content. I thought over his question.
Am I okay, I have no clue?
I sighed. "I don't know what came over me. I-I haven't had a panic attack in months." I looked down at my hands.
"How long have you've been having panic attacks?" His tone was more direct now, serious even.
"I couldn't tell you but it's been a while, for as long as I can remember. My family....we have a not-so-great relationship." My shoulders shrugged as a way to cope with a mentally hardening thing that makes me wanna cry but Tae keeps his thoughts to himself. He doesn't say a word as I unleash bits and pieces of myself to him and for once I'm thankful he doesn't say anything snarky.
"Do you wanna talk about this more over coffee sometime, as friends?" He offered and I could see he really wants that but I just sighed and shook my head. Even if we were to talk it over coffee as friends we wouldn't last two seconds without wanting to rip each other's clothes off. It was just a slight panic attack, it wasn't that serious.
"I'm good Tae, maybe some other time after exam week? We both need all the studying we can get to pass this class." I chuckle to try and lighten the dark mood.
Tae's face lightens into a grin. "No problem. But I came out there looking for you to say that you really did amazing out there. I never thought of you having any sort of fear or panic attacks. You looked...astonishing, really." He professed and I looked off into any direction and slightly blushed.
"T-Thank you." I give a soft smile.
"Alright everyone recess is now over! Let's continue with the sentencing." Namjoon comes over and the class comes back into the courtroom. I get up to walk away, brushing down my skirt once again for the many time today, and walked.
Then a hand enclosed around my wrist making me snap my neck back. Taehyung has his warm hand wrapped around me creating goosebumps along that arm.
"Go kill it out there Noelle." He says proudly with a wide smile that makes my heart soften. It's something about the way his eye twinkles in this cool-tone room that makes my nerves shoot with motivation and I smiled lightly. I nodded my head and he let go and I walked over to my desk and looked to Jin and nodded.
It doesn't matter who wins because me and Jin will always remain friends. The jury comes back and Jungkook takes the paper and nods with a smug smile.
"Order." Jungkook bangs the gavel on the hardwood bench bringing all talking to a cease.
"Will the court all rise for the hearing of the sentence please?" He says and we follow suit. He then turns down to his paper and reads aloud. "Sky Jackson is to be sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole. This trial is adjourned." Jungkook knocks on wood and I let a huge breath out of my lungs with a small laugh.
The class clapped and I looked around timidly. Jin and Sky clapped loudly while Jimin did the same. Hobi came over from the juror stands and hugged me and then it turned into a huge group hug. I laughed with the silence of tears falling down my face with happiness. Everyone knows I passed this class.
My professor cleared her throat ceasing the celebration and stepped over to us with her heels clinking to the ground. She crossed her arms in front of me and looked down at me without me even noticing my eyes had landed on the floor in front.
"Well, job Noelle. I was wondering where you went, I'm proud to see your mojo is back. Keep up the excellent work." She smiles and walks away and I almost tripped while standing still. The hardest teacher in our department just told me that I did a good job. I think I can die peacefully now.
But for some reason, my eyes searched for Tae in the crowds of kids leaving the courtroom. I saw the fluff of his hair and shortly after saw the cherry blonde hair of a girl next to him. They walked side by side but then he looked back, immediately feeling my eyes on him. He then waved to the girl and walked over to me with his hands stuck in his pockets.
"Congratulations Kitty, I knew you had it in the bag."
"Thank you, Tae." My shoulders dropped with this weird satisfaction that I couldn't put it into words. This feels good...too good.
There will be more details of both characters' backgrounds in the next upcoming chapters so don't worry. I feel like this story isn't going the way I wanted originally :(
L&C