WHILST WATCHING CLAUDIA and Remus be all in love in the Great Hall, the hallways and the library, Regulus Black often wondered what it felt like to be able to do that.
To be able to hold hands in public, make each other laugh loudly without worrying and smiling at one another without raising suspicions.
Now, Claudia and Remus weren't exactly all for public displays of affection, because neither were the type, but everyone around them could sense the sparkful air that surrounded them as they looked at one another.
Regulus was no exception of that. But, unlike everyone else, he felt ashamed to wish that he had just what they did.
Because, you see, Regulus was in love. Far more in love than he had ever wanted to admit.
And, of course, he believed that he couldn't be in love. Because what future could he possibly have with Nicolas Clarke?
Well, he never could answer that question that he asked himself every night. Nor could Nicolas.
The both of them just went on with their lives, pushing the thoughts of how much it would ruin the two of them if anyone found out away.
They stayed together. They continued to meet up almost every night in broom closets, to tell each other their deepest and darkest secrets and thoughts, and to love on another in secret.
But, this "thing" that had been going on for over a year had no label on it. No, they weren't officially together. They weren't boyfriend and boyfriend.
And Regulus had grown to accept it. He was plenty younger, and their relationship was as forbidden as could be. It didn't make sense for them to hold hands in public, call each other by that special word or even say the three unspoken words that would've meant so much if only they would've dared to say it.
But Regulus knew that he one day would say those three words. He just had to pack up the courage to do it.
Yet, he didn't know if Nicolas would ever say it back.
On that Thursday night in late June it came to no surprise that Nicolas asked him to meet him in the Room of Requirement.
Regulus didn't think much of it at first, but then he wondered why Nicolas asked him to meet him specifically in the Room of Requirement, and he couldn't help but to wonder why they were meeting so early in the evening compared to when they usually would meet up late and engage in...stuff.
However, Nicolas was almost finished with school, and they only had a few days left together, so Regulus was eager to see him as much as possible before they would be separated.
If only that bad feeling in the pit of his stomach would go away.
"So...hey," Regulus said quietly as the magical door disappeared and the two found themselves alone in the Room of Requirement.
"Hey," Nicolas said, and Regulus let out a small amused chuckle at that. "Why are you laughing?"
"Nothing," the boy smiled, and it was a smile that brought a small smile over Nicolas' face as well despite what was to come. "So, what's up?"
And then, Nicolas' small smile disappeared.
"I needed to talk to you."
"Okay," Regulus said, his smile disappearing as well as he realised that there was a possibility that the moment that he had feared for so long had come. "I'm here. So let's talk."
Nicolas nodded slowly, refusing to meet the boy's eyes as he swallowed nervously. "I'm leaving on Monday."
"So am I," said Regulus. "All of us are."
"Yes, well, I'm leaving for good. I'm graduating."
"I know," Regulus said, causing Nicolas to finally meet his eyes with that look on his face.
That look that told him that it was over. That whatever they were was over.
"Reg-"
"No," the raven haired boy cut him off. "Don't."
"Regulus, I have to," Nicolas said, and it was clear that he wasn't enjoying it at all.
It was clear that he wanted to stay.
"You knew that this was gonna happen. I have to, Reg, I really do have to."
"Why?" Was all Regulus asked.
"What?"
"Why? Why do you have to do this? You don't have to leave me. We can make it work. We'll spend summer together, and when school starts we'll write and I'll come to Hogsmeade on the weekends and we'll see each other as much as we can-"
"No, Regulus," Nicolas said sadly. "I can't do that to you."
"What do you mean? You're not doing anything to me!"
"You're so much younger than me. You've got two years left. And who knows what'll happen to me after I leave? You know that I'm supposed to marry someone eventually, whoever that might be. And then you'll be forced to do the same. You know that."
"Nicolas, please-"
"I don't want to do this. But I have to, Reg. Maybe if things were different it would've been easier, but we are who we are. They would kill us if they knew, you know that. And I simply can't weigh you down any longer."
"You've never weighed me down!" Regulus exclaimed. "What're are you on about?!"
"You're so good," was all Nicolas answered, breaking the eye contact again. "You're far too good for me. And I know that I'm breaking your heart, but trust me when I tell you that you'll be grateful for it. We don't have a future together."
"But maybe we could have one," Regulus persisted. "If you would only try to-"
"There's no use in trying," Nicolas interrupted. "I'm so sorry, Regulus, but we can't go on any longer."
Regulus stared at the boy who was slowly turning into a man in front of him as nothing but an ache in his chest took over.
"Are you giving up?"
"On what?"
"On everything," Regulus whispered, but received no response. "You are, aren't you? What happened? I thought that-"
"Dreams are for fools," Nicolas said. "I never would've had a future with you. Just as I never would've been able to escape my family. Just as I will never be able to protect Claudia from them. It's no use in dreaming. It's all useless."
"What happened?" Regulus asked again. "Why did you suddenly change your mind?"
"I never changed my mind," Nicolas said. "I've always know it. I just didn't accept it for good until now."
Regulus buried his face in his hands as he asked, "What will happen now?"
Nicolas stared at the boy in front of him with an equal amount of aching in his chest as he silently wished to turn back time and hold him again.
"You keep going," he answered. "And I will do the same. And when we see each other we'll keep it civil, but we can't fall back into what we used to be. We're growing up, Reg. It's time to stop fooling around."
"So it's goodbye for now?" Regulus asked quietly, removing his hands from his face and looking right into Nicolas' familiar blue eyes.
"It's goodbye."
Regulus nodded slowly, a feeling of emptiness washing over him, but then he found himself taking in the last few minutes he had as he walked towards the boy who meant more to him than anyone and held onto him as if he was a little boy again, asking for him to stay forever.
"Don't go," he whispered, but received no response.
Yet, Nicolas held him.
"Please don't go," Regulus pleaded. "Please."
"Reg-"
"I love you."
And once again, he received no response as Nicolas merely stood there for a little while, soaking up the last few minutes of freedom he had.
And then he was gone just in the blink of an eye, taking a piece of Regulus with him and leaving one of himself behind.
And Regulus wondered what he had done to deserve it. He wondered what he had done to deserve such an unfairness as the one of loving someone who could never love him back.
But Nicolas did love him back. He was just scared. And he didn't even know that himself, but fear was the one thing that held him back no matter what.
The emptiness Regulus felt was like none other. He could only really tie it to one happening in his life, and that was the night when Sirius left.
And he found himself wanting his brother back.
And wanting a life without worries back. But, then again, he wondered if he had ever really experienced one of the sort.
But, Regulus couldn't have Nicolas back, nor could he have Sirius or a life without worries back.
But there in front of him as he left the Room of Requirement stood the only person left on this earth that actually would listen to him no matter what he had to say.
And at the sight of her, he, for the very first time in what felt like forever, broke down crying.
Because it was all that he had left to do.
And the girl who soon would be like a sister to him immediately ran towards him and hugged him just as tightly as he had done to her a few months ago back at Maple manor.
"Oh, Regulus," Claudia said, allowing him to cry on her shoulder and damping her jumper with his tears. "What happened?"
As she said those words, she didn't receive a response back. But she understood, somewhere deep inside, that the only thing that possibly could've caused this was if the boy who meant so much to him had done the thing that Claudia had understood that he one day would do.
And she was right. Nicolas had ended things, and now Regulus was all alone.
And he would be for a while.
But, Claudia wouldn't let him be. She hugged him continuously for so long, mumbling quiet and comforting words to him as he cried until he felt ashamed.
Because he thought about the time when he was little and Sirius was crying so because Walburga and Orion had lost their minds and yelled at him for over three hour due to him getting sorted into Gryffindor.
Sirius had cried and cried, not because he regretted getting sorted into another house than Slytherin, but because he wished that his parents would've love him no matter what. And all Orion had said were four little words.
"Grow the hell up."
So, that's what Regulus felt that he had to do.
Nicolas had always seen him as the younger, more fragile one in the relationship. The one who needed help, reassuring words and gestures, and the one who spoke first about what he felt.
And Regulus was sick of being just a kid.
So, he pushed Claudia off him and disappeared, ignoring the calls he got after him.
Because it was time to grow the hell up.
•••
Sitting on the train again felt like the worst type of curse to Claudia.
Everything always went wrong somehow there, whether it was people finding out horrible things about her, anxious emotions or, the most common one, which was the simple little fact that she would soon be back at Maple manor.
And that was the case on that very day, for Claudia's sixth year was over, and she was going back to the place she hated most in the world.
Before, most people, maybe with the exception of Sirius, had loved it when summer arrived, for they were all returning to safe and loving homes with loving parents and sometimes loving siblings.
But, on this day, not only Claudia was anxious - everyone was.
And the goodbyes were horrible as Claudia slowly neared the point in which she would be gone for two months and possibly experience everything horrible there was.
But, she was of legal age, she was a talented witch, and an Animagus. So maybe, just possibly, things could be okay this summer.
She thought about how she would be able to escape and possibly meet her friends somehow at least once. She thought about visiting Fayola.
And, honestly, she thought about living with the woman who was no longer her professor but now just her friend.
Because maybe leaving the manor and her family along with it wouldn't be impossible. Maybe it would be okay.
"Write in the book every night," Remus said after she had hugged everyone goodbye and cracked some jokes since she noticed how horrible everyone was feeling on her behalf. "And don't lie, please."
"I will and I won't," she said, burying her face in his chest as he wrapped his arms around her in the now empty carriage. "I'm gonna be okay, Remus."
He didn't say anything to that, because he didn't wish to jinx it.
And, honestly, Remus just wanted to survive the summer. Or, more like it, he just wanted Claudia to survive the summer.
If he could decide, he would bring her to the cottage he lived in with his parents nearby the sea, and they would skip rocks, eat sandwiches, paint and read to each other every night.
They would lay in the sand with their hands intertwined as they listened to the waves and watched the stars.
If he only could decide.
"I love you," he said, rocking her back and forth so much that she giggled a little. "So much, okay?"
"I love you," she said, breaking the hug slightly and looking up into his eyes. "So, so much."
And with a kiss, two smiles and another hug, Claudia and Remus separated for the time being.
And the girl returned home with a quiet Nicolas by her side, only to immediately look into her father's terrifying emerald eyes as he held onto his infamous handkerchief decorated with Maple leaves.
And, let's state the obvious, Claudia fell asleep in pain that night.
But she didn't lie this time around as she wrote in the book that Remus had charmed so that they could talk.
No, she told the truth.
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